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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand grave photos?

93 replies

desperatedoll · 12/10/2014 16:32

I can't tell if I'm being really insensitive. And yes photo I'm referring to is on fb. I can't believe my eyes. There's a picture of a grave covered in flowers and the pictures on the tombstones are of two elderly people. Around it are 16 or 17 family members looking as if they are at a rave. One is wearing a cartoon wooly jumper. One has on a bright pink leopard print onesie. There is a baby in the photo and four or five other kids and person posting the picture has commented how much fun they had. Aibu to think it's a bit weird or am I being super insensitive? I mean it's just so undignified. I don't get it.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 12/10/2014 17:03

telling the op to fuck off was entirely uncalled for chipping

JellyDiamonds · 12/10/2014 17:05

My beliefs towards road side shrines are that they are distracting and could cause another accident at the scene.

I just find it odd, if god forbid someone I loved lost their life in a horror crash the place I'd want to go was where it happened. I think I'd want to avoid it forever.

OraProNobis · 12/10/2014 17:05

I wouldn't mind this at all. I love graveyards and visit them everywhere I go. I love to read them - and yes, of course, I do feel sad - there's always a glimpse of history there or a snippet of a love story. Sometimes you see for i.e 5 little headstones in a row and they're children close in age from the 1800's - I stand in awe and sadness at how times have changed and what terrible grief those parents went through.
I can't for the life of me comprehend anyone objecting to someone posting a picture of a grave that means something to them. I'd say if that freaks you out then it's YOU with the problem.

canyou · 12/10/2014 17:06

OP I think we did something worse, My Nana's dog died about a year after she did we had the dog cremated and my 6 yro niece insisted asked the priest to bury the dog with Nana He agreed and we all met at the grave said prayers for our loved ones and sprinkled the doggies ashes into a small hole we had dug on the grave. Nana would have loved it

ArkhamOffett · 12/10/2014 17:06

We're a bit remove from death these days, in many cases. It's understandable to me why some people would want a family gathering around a grave and sharing it on FB is just a modern way of showing what you've done, no different from any other family event.

specialsubject · 12/10/2014 17:06

there are no rules to how people deal with grief and bereavement.

I believe that some cultures have picnics at gravesides each year. Hannah Witheridge, murdered in Thailand, was buried recently with everyone in bright clothes as the parents wanted it to be 'Hannah's party'. Whatever helps, even slightly.

LineRunner · 12/10/2014 17:07

It's culture evolving.

ArkhamOffett · 12/10/2014 17:07

What a lovely priest, canyou.

Bowlersarm · 12/10/2014 17:09

I don't think people should be telling the OP fuck off, or that it's distasteful to discuss it actually.

I don't think I have any opinions either way.

Whatever gives the grieving people comfort, I guess, should be the main consideration.

5madthings · 12/10/2014 17:10

Doesn't sound like any rave I have ever been to...

And not sure why you needed to describe their clothes? Are we only supposed to wear certain attire when visiting a grave?

People can grieve however they dam well like. I have several friends who have shared pictures of their children's graves. They are tragically beautiful and if visiting and documenting this on Fb helps then I am more than happy for them to do so.

Fb is about sharing your life, it's to communicate with friends and family, life isn't always happy and the deceased are still part of that persons life/family.

I think this thread is incredibly insensitive.

Badvoc123 · 12/10/2014 17:11

Whatever gets you through....

LeftRightCentre · 12/10/2014 17:11

Why aren't you telling your friend on FB that you don't understand, instead of starting a thread about it here? That way she can make a decision if she wants someone who makes it all personal and about their discomfort and ignorance in her life?

DrankSangriaInThePark · 12/10/2014 17:11

I think some people's attitudes on the thread are insensitive, for sure.

The OP's less than others.

WooWooOwl · 12/10/2014 17:12

I personally wouldn't post pictures on FB, but my family has taken pictures of my Grans grave and they've been emailed to family all over the place. That's because there are people that care that it's kept nice but who live far away.

I can't see what's morbid about it, or why it should matter what people wear when they visit their loved ones graves.

LoveBeingGetAGrip · 12/10/2014 17:15

Why don't you tell her what you think by commenting on the picture?

phantomnamechanger · 12/10/2014 17:16

It's not at all unusual for people at funerals to wear bright colourful clothes, in memory of their loved one and in celebration of their life. Only recently I was at one with a dress code of bright colours, garish ties and neon socks to reflect the deceased's style.
It's also not at all unusual to take photos of family gatherings, and having the whole clan back together, even if around a gravestone, can be a rare thing for some and something they all want to remember. Including the grave is a way of including the deceased family member.

Now, if what you are actually saying is that the family hated the deceased person and were dancing on the grave singing ding dong the witch is dead, then yeah, it's a bit tacky sticking that on FB, but as with all these Fb things, you can always unfriend them if it really bothers you.

raltheraffe · 12/10/2014 17:17

Different people grieve in different ways. Some people wear black out of respect for the dead, others have funerals where people turn up wearing crazy clothes and black is banned as the deceased would have wanted loved ones to celebrate their life rather than grieve their death.
The fact they turned up at the grave, with flowers, shows they care. If they wish to dress in onsies or cartoon wooly jumpers that is not your concern. For all you know the dying wish of the deceased is that others celebrated their life by dressing in crazy clothes.

HarlowEver · 12/10/2014 17:17

People grieve in different ways. It's not about you and how you feel seeing a picture

I agree. It's irrelevant how you feel, so why make it about you?

It's not something I've done or would probably do, but I know people who do it. If my friend wants to post a photo of her sons grave then she should do so without being judged.

AmazonGrace · 12/10/2014 17:19

I feel sad when I pass road side shrines. It's more than likely that the person who the shrine is for, met an untimely death, under tragic circumstances. I can understand why loved ones would want to mark this spot, I can't understand why this would bother you.

phantomnamechanger · 12/10/2014 17:19

perhaps the onesies and woolly jumpers were presents from the deceased grandmother and of deep sentimental value?

justalittlelemondrizzle · 12/10/2014 17:21

I've seen them recently too. My Dad died a few years ago and whenever I go to the grave I always take a pic on my phone as it looks pretty. I would never post it on facebook. Doubt anyone else wants to see it. I dont understand why you would want to.

BaffledSomeMore · 12/10/2014 17:21

I don't think Chipping is out of order at all.

passmethewineplease · 12/10/2014 17:22

YABU.

People grieve in different ways. You don't need to get it or agree with it or even question it really.

steff13 · 12/10/2014 17:22

I had to take pictures of my parents', grandparents', and great-grandparents' graves as part of my DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) application, and I did post those on FB. I don't generally do that, but my uncle and cousins all commented that they enjoyed seeing them, especially our great-grandparents', who passed away long before many of us were born.

I frequently go to Spring Grove Cemetery in Cincinnati to take photos, and I do post those on FB. They're not graves of people I know, just ones that I like. It's a beautiful, peaceful place, and I love visiting there. That might make me morbid or weird, but it's usually full of people running, riding bikes, and even getting married, so I'm not the only one. :)

raltheraffe · 12/10/2014 17:23

My friend jumped off a motorway bridge last year. If I want to leave flowers at the spot he died that is my business and I could not give a rats arse if that offends someone.

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