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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be deeply disappointed in my nephew and to want to do say something to him

66 replies

WicketWoo · 10/10/2014 14:04

FB related I'm afraid.

My DN "liked" and therefore shared a deeply offensive BNP post on FB. I immediately defriended him, this ensuring the offended post was removed from my FB.

Problem is i am still really cross about it and really want to say something to make him appreciate just how offensive his post was to me and lots of my friends. Any ideas as to how I get the message over to him?

I have always got on really well with him and I am really disappointed with him and just want him to appreciate the harm that this sort of casual racism has.

OP posts:
Greyhound · 10/10/2014 14:08

I don't know what to suggest, really. How old is he? Has he expressed bigoted views before?

I suppose you could contact him, but what would it achieve? He'd probably just go on the defence.

I pulled a FB friend up on an extremely offensive comment he made about gay men being more likely to be paedophiles. I pointed out that I thought he was bigoted and wrong - he argued back and I just left it. I unfriended him, though.

Purplepoodle · 10/10/2014 14:12

Bit childish to unfriend him straight away. I would have sent him a message explaining how offensive you find and could he remove it. Depending on his response then I would have taken action

AmberLav · 10/10/2014 14:15

I have an old work colleague who regularly likes offensive things, I just skim past, or when I think it is very out of order I comment...

He'll never know that he shouldn't be using casual racism if you just defriend him...

FelixTitling · 10/10/2014 14:17

Speak to him. Ask him why he 'liked it'. It may be that he didn't really think about it. Calmly challenge his views.

I'm assuming he's under 30.

BlinkAndMiss · 10/10/2014 14:29

Some people genuinely don't know the origins of the pages who share memes and other articles when the content is about something unrelated to politics, racism and other areas of sensitivity. There was a meme about Friday which was shared on my page but the origin was Britain First, I noticed and removed it, messaged the person who shared it and they had no idea. It's not even that they had 'liked' the page, the meme had come up on their page when another friend had 'liked' it.

Message him and ask him about it, if you just defriend him he won't realise and if he's a decent person then he'll take notice next time.

Aherdofmims · 10/10/2014 14:31

Tell your brother or sister (the parent) about it?

LadyLuck10 · 10/10/2014 14:42

How precious of you. I guess the 'defriend' showed him. Seriously, who are you to tell people what they should be thinking regardless if you think it's wrong.

Goldmandra · 10/10/2014 14:47

Before de-friending him would have been a good time to challenge this, preferably by commenting on the post so everyone else on his friends list could see.

He may well not be aware that he has been de-friended and possibly won't link it with this post when he does realise.

This crap need to be challenged openly and immediately so the bigoted minority can't kid themselves that we all feel the same way.

minipie · 10/10/2014 14:48

LadyLuck I do think bigoted views should be challenged, otherwise how do people realise those views aren't accepted/shared by those around them. It's not "telling him what to think" it's just saying you strenuously disagree.

BackforGood · 10/10/2014 14:51

Assuming he's a teen or adult, I would challenge him about it.

Ask him if he's really understood what he's liked, and if he genuinely feels that way.

He won't even know you've defriended him, so you haven't challenged his thinking in any way by doing that, which is surely what would be better for all the world, than just hiding it from your eyes.

MrsCurrent · 10/10/2014 14:54

How old is he? I told on my dn to his mother for liking Britain first stuff. If he does it again I'll tell him myself.

NanFlanders · 10/10/2014 14:59

I think many people share these posts without being aware of their origins. A (black) FB friend recently shared a BNP post and my rather sweet uncle something fairly innocuous about wearing a poppy with pride - from Britain First. I think I'd say that I found origins (and contents, if applicable) of post abhorrent. (Then stop following them if they continue to post racist crap.... )

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2014 15:02

You didn't have to defriend him, you could have just hidden the post.

Rumplestrumpet · 10/10/2014 15:07

Hi there Wicket. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and I think it's good that you want to challenge the spread of intolerant or racist views - I genuinely believe we need to do this because social media is awash with some pretty troubling statements, images, etc. and if not challenged then they become normalised.

He's clearly a close family member who you really care about, so you're understandably disappointed too. If he's a teenager, this might be a good opportunity to talk to him about in an appropriate way.

I recently saw my DH's 13yr old neice "like" some awful pictures on FB, discussed it with DH and he spoke to her parents about it. They were a bit embarassed, but used it as an opportunity to talk to her about social media, protecting herself from dangerous/violent/offensive images, groups etc. She was embarassed too, but I'm glad we said something because her parents weren't giving her any advice or guidance, which she clearly needed.

Whatever age he is though, he's unlikely to get it simply by being de-friended. And he may well get defensive if he feels you're having a go. But if you sensitively (and privately) tell him you were shocked by the post, and open a conversation about it, you might just get through to him. It might be an opportunity to challenge any misinformed views he has, as well as make him realise that some of his other friends may have been really hurt by the post.

Well done for not just glossing over it though - we need the next generation to build bridges, not create more divisions in our communities.

MykleeneArse · 10/10/2014 15:08

How old is your nephew?

BertieBotts · 10/10/2014 15:16

My 13yo brother posts awful shit all the time, he's just a kid, he believes everything he reads. Sometimes I comment (publically, that's always fun!) or sometimes I just ignore it. They get more open to discussion at about 17 or so I think.

Letitsnow9 · 10/10/2014 15:16

I 'like' all sorts of weird stuff on fb, no as I actually agree or like those things but because I frequently catch the like button when scrolling

merrymouse · 10/10/2014 15:17

I think it was entirely reasonable to defriend him.

You can always talk to him in real life and refriend him.

People can be 'dejobbed' for spreading deeply offensive material on-line. Carelessness or not understanding what you you were doing is a pretty weak defence.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/10/2014 15:21

Was it a blatantly racist meme, or was it one of those 'share if you hate animal cruelty/remember the WW1 soldiers' things that stupid people share without thinking about it?

Britain First, etc, are quite consciously putting out stuff that has little or nothing to do with racism but which appeals to thickos, in order to get more 'likes'.

scatteroflight · 10/10/2014 16:22

I think we'd need to know what it said first as what is deemed "offensive" these days seems to be an enormously broad church.

That said, people have a right to their opinions and you have the right to challenge him. That's how free speech works.

WicketWoo · 10/10/2014 16:25

Thank you all for the responses. In response to some of the queries, he is 24 (and has a child). I generally look at Facebook on my iPad and couldn't see how to delete the message and to be honest it was so offensive it was the quickest way I could think of getting the message off my newsfeed (no danger of it not being interpreted as racist)

I thought about talking to my sister but I don't want to fall out with her as her reaction would be along the lines of "it's just wicket, being wicket" rather than appreciating just how offensive the post is and should be to anyone who isn't a complete racist.

The disappointment runs really deep though. He has always been such a lovely chap and I'm gutted that he seems to have inherited views from his dad (who I spent my teenage years disliking with a passion and who would have done something like this simply to wind me up. (I am a lot younger than my sister!)). I would also like to be able to protect my great nephew from starting another generation of narrow minded racist scumbags!

Fair point that I should have got in touch and challenged him before simply de friending.

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ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 10/10/2014 16:28

Look...some of those BNP pages are deliberately disguised so that the people clicking like and share might not ALWAYS notice it's origin. My sister shares a lot of crap and the other day shared a BNP page.

I immediately pmd her and told her. She hadn't noticed! She deleted it immediately. You should have warned your nephew first and then he'd have the chance to redeem himself if it was a mistake.

WicketWoo · 10/10/2014 16:28

I don't want to say what the post was but there was absolutely no danger of misinterpretation with it. It was to do with mosques and burkas I that gives you a flavour of it.

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londonrach · 10/10/2014 16:30

Seriously... Fb has loads of these posts, as ive just learnt. I accidentally posted something on my page without realising where it came from. Had pretty picture and didnt realise where it came from as kinda innocent and just liked the picture. Luckily i have lovely friends who quickly pm me to let me know so i removed it within 5 minutes and now am forewarned. Reason one of my friends pm me was he been caught out to until a friend told him too. Moral of story dont forward anything onto your page. Also pm your dn as i bet he doesnt know too. As a result i must admit im hardly using fb at mo. Too much out there.

wanttosqueezeyou · 10/10/2014 16:33

I once accidentally liked something once by scrolling on my phone and touching 'like' without realising.

So maybe you should just call him on it and see what he says.

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