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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be deeply disappointed in my nephew and to want to do say something to him

66 replies

WicketWoo · 10/10/2014 14:04

FB related I'm afraid.

My DN "liked" and therefore shared a deeply offensive BNP post on FB. I immediately defriended him, this ensuring the offended post was removed from my FB.

Problem is i am still really cross about it and really want to say something to make him appreciate just how offensive his post was to me and lots of my friends. Any ideas as to how I get the message over to him?

I have always got on really well with him and I am really disappointed with him and just want him to appreciate the harm that this sort of casual racism has.

OP posts:

Original poster

WicketWoo · 10/10/2014 16:37

Ok I have sent him a text (my family never talk on the phone before someone says I should call him) and I'll see what he says.

Thank you wise ladies for making me stop and think about it rather than just being angry and frustrated. (Though if he defends it, that's him off my Christmas list- unless I can find something to educate him)

OP posts:

merrymouse · 10/10/2014 16:47

Inciting racial hatred is a crime which can result in a prison term. I don't think you can go to prison for liking something on Facebook, but it can certainly make you look very dodgy and damage your digital reputation.

motherinferior · 10/10/2014 16:53

You did the right thing.

DogCalledRudis · 10/10/2014 17:37

I think YABU. People post a lot of nonsense on fb without any deeper thinking.

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2014 19:00

Also, depending on what his job is, current and future employers may not react favourably to his posts if his FB is open to the world.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/10/2014 19:03

I am getting progressively less patient with people who share the 'harmless' stuff TBH. Even if it isn't blatantly racist, a lot of it is pretty fucking stupid, with undertones of racism and a lot of misogyny (a lot of the stuff about WW1 heroes compares them with 'slags who have breast implants). And if it's not that, it's straightforwardly dimwitted - 'Share this picture to help children with cancer, if you don't share it you're heartless' - the classic moron-identifier...

ChippingInLatteLover · 10/10/2014 19:06

It will be interesting to see if he replies.

merrymouse · 10/10/2014 19:07

People post a lot of nonsense on fb without any deeper thinking.

And sometimes that gets them into huge amounts of trouble. Things you put on line don't just disappear into the ether.

OfaFrenchMind · 10/10/2014 19:25

YANBU to defriend him. You don't want anything that repulses you on your page and that's your right.

But I think you are setting yoursef up for a big disappointment in your family if you "tell on him" to his mother and expect her to react the same as you.
First, he is a grown man and is entilted to his opinions.
Second, she may share them. In a less strong way, and far more discrete, but she may think the same.

What then? A big fallout with half your family? You cannot expect to preach your own gospel and get people to fall over themselves agreeing with you, sorry. Everybody has their own experiences in life that shape their opinions, and as much as you want it, complete openness and living by the MN credo is not always the majority.

InfinitySeven · 10/10/2014 19:29

Hang on...

DN didn't create the post, he just liked it?

So therefore it would have shown in the feeds of his friends. It would not be visible to your friends unless you also interacted with it.

If DN had written the post and tagged you in it, it'd show to your friends too, but as it is, you don't need to worry about what your friends think of it. They won't have seen. It showed on your newsfeed, not on your page.

Purplepixiedust · 10/10/2014 19:49

You just beat me to it InfinitySeven. I was just about to say that OP that your friends wouln't see his post unless you liked or commented on it, or were tagged.

If you want to raise it with him do OP but I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks it's none of your business. I have occasionally defriended people because of the content of their posts or likes but they are always people I hardly know such as people I knew at school but never kept in touch with. You can always hide a post if you don't want to see it rather than defriending.

Maybe with DN you could message him and tell him that you defriended him on impulse because you were offended by something he liked... Would this open up a discussion? You know him best.

LadyLuck10 · 10/10/2014 19:51

I very much agree with OfaFrenchMind!

Rivercam · 10/10/2014 19:56

Why don't you message him? Some of these pages look innocent until you delve deeper.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 10/10/2014 19:57

Why did you not just hide the post and report it? And better still as others have said, talk to him?

Original poster

WicketWoo · 10/10/2014 23:19

Ok so he did reply. And it seems he is actually racist so there you go. I tried to reason with him to no avail.

I'm thankful we're away for Christmas as then I don't have to see him. I appreciate the whole not upsetting the whole family over our different views. But I really can't abide racism so honestly don't want to spend any time with him any more.

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 10/10/2014 23:30

God WickedWoo, how awful having a racist in the family..... poor you.

By the way if one accidentally clicks on a like while scrolling it's an easy reclick to unlike it again. So no excuses.

LadyLuck10 · 10/10/2014 23:33

So will you exclude yourself from all future family events over this if he is there?

53Dragon · 10/10/2014 23:37

Those posts that say '99% of you won't repost this' blah blah... I have been known to comment '99% of my facebok friends aren't racist twats'

ColdTeaAgain · 10/10/2014 23:42

What a shame to realise he has that sort of attitude.

I think you need to be prepared for a bit of friction now though as he is probably going to tell his parents isn't he? But you are right in standing up for your principles, if they can't see that spreading hatred is morally wrong then I wouldn't want a Christmas card from them anyway!

however · 11/10/2014 05:26

There was once a MN thread talking about things you believed in as a teen, or younger person that were cringeworthy. Entirely reasonable sounding posters owned up to all sorts of twattish beliefs in their yoof. Cut him a little slack by talking to him, not defrending him.

BackforGood · 11/10/2014 14:07

People form, develop, and sometimes change their views, but having them challenged. By talking with him, and asking him ..."Well what about...." type questions. Just not speaking to someone isn't really challenging them, or helping to change their thinking.

veryseriousgirl · 11/10/2014 14:07

DH's brother flirted with some pretty unsavoury ideologies in his youth. According to DH, it was a stern talking to from his uncle that sorted him out. I'd say something (with love!)

Gruntfuttock · 11/10/2014 14:34

veryseriousgirl "I'd say something (with love!)"

Like what?

ArcheryAnnie · 11/10/2014 14:46

Sorry you're having to deal with this, Wicket. It is disappointing when someone you like turns out to have bigoted views. Lets hope he grows out of them and that his kid has other influences on them, too.

I'm surprised by your attitude, LadyLuck. Do you seriously think it's OK to just ignore racism?

mrsspagbol · 11/10/2014 14:47

Ladyluck are you a racist too? You seem to be condoning DN's behaviour?

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