AIBU to use this punishment for DD

[realitygone]

I am posting here for quick honest responses.

dd is in reception, she is quite advanced for her age and acts in a very grown up way. However she seems to have lost all of her common sense sincr starting school, she has lost cardigans, tops when changing for p.e and brought home 3 plimsoles (2 hers 1 someone elses) this week she has lost another top and yesterday a cardigan.

none of these are being found, she has been told countless times to put her things in her draw when she takes them off, her teacher reminds her and she just doesn't seem to listen.

There is a club that runs once a month and is like a disco for the kids, it requires money to take with them and also changing into party clothes.

I am thinking that if I go into school this morning and don't find the cardigan that I sanction her by not allowing her to go to the club, this will hopefully hit home that she will need to start thinking a bit better. We have threatened selling her toys to pay for the missing things and she doesn't seem to care.

aibu?

A constructive tip: the cheap cardigans go missing far less than the expensive logo ones

A friend of mine puts a Cash's name tape on the outside of all her children's clothes as well as the inside, machine-sewed on. Ain't nobody got time to pick those off.

Cross-posted. Glad it worked out.

She will honestly not be the only one. This shit is still going on in Y2 here

I doubt there is a single parent who at some point has thought of taking action that may not be appropriate

If they have then they would get a similar response if they asked on MN!

I would say the school aren't doing their part.

Reception children need lots of guidance with their things and if the classroom/class is really organised things tend to work well. (My school, the Reception leader has systems for everything and the children were in very good habits very soon).

So I'd speak to the teacher about making sure your DD does what she's supposed to.

OP - all parents single or not have contemplated taking action that might not be appropriate, so don't worry. We all get it wrong sometimes.

Fwiw I understand your frustration entirely, but for a lot of us, it just goes hand in hand with starting school. It's a total pain I agree.

So you got back a single cardigan and you are happy? Has all the other stuff already been returned?

People who go after a poster because of their spelling come across as pretty bloody petty and spiteful. Grow up.

OP I get your frustration, I really do but a punishment like this turn her into a child who doesn't forget and lose possessions. The person collecting her needs to do the classroom/cloakroom/lost property sweep.

Sorry, YABU and I don't even think it will work. I am a person with a terrible memory myself and I am forever losing stuff even though I really try and put strategies in place to help me. It is just who I am and I try so hard but if someone said they were going to take away my trip to the pub because I lost my keys again I would cry!

She is little, it's a big new world, all kids lose stuff. Yes, it is infuriating and me and the other mums are constantly moaning at the school gates about the latest jumper to go missing or whatever, but they are kids. There is SO MUCH for them to have to suddenly manage at school.

Label everything, name everything, it will make its way back to you. And give your kid a break.

Just go in and check lost property

Glad you found the cardigan.

Fwiw, whilst I think the punishment might have been a bit extreme (but I really like JubJubs take on it - that probably would have Bern my approach too), I am amazed at the pasting OP has got and the overwhelming acceptance that kids will lose loads of school stuff and as parents we just have to suck it up with a smile & shell out for endless replacements.

My DD is in Yr 5 - she's like a working dervish at home and the most untidy and disorganized little madam you're likely to meet (not unlike her mum ) but she has never lost an item of clothing at school.

It's really not inevitable that school uniform should regularly disappear into a black hole. The occasional item, yes, but constantly - no.

I'm glad to see you have spoken to the teacher OP. I had the same issue with DS in Reception. It is so frustrating. He is not much better now in Y2 unfortunately. Someone else suggested checking her bag as she comes out. That is certainly what I do. Check for coat, jumper, books etc, and send her back in if things are missing. There aren't many days DS doesn't get sent back in for something or another! There is a much better chance of finding things if she looks straight away. You may even be able to go in and help her. She hasn't lost her common sense, she has just gone into an environment where she is expected to do more for herself, which is a big thing at 4/5.

YABU. OP I'm afraid you have rather brought the nasty comments on yourself, with your ' she's quite advanced for her age' - always guaranteed to get people's backs up- and you're very clearly wrong to try to punish a four year old for perfectly normal behaviour, skint or not!

You could probably redeem yourself by just saying, ah, I see I was being unreasonable, thanks for all the sensible advice'

They all do that. To high school and possibly beyond; being "advanced" doesn't appear to have anything to do with it... I wonder what percentage of her class mates are doing similar (without draconian punishments to "teach" them better?)
Quite a high percentage, I'd imagine.

Ummm you are being so mean! YABU - I know it is frustrating but she is only little and that's what happens! Wowsers.

Very unreasonable. Punishment is used when something is done deliberately or at least with complete disregard. Your 4 year old is clearly just a normal child in an overwhelming new environment. She does not deserve punishment.

YABVVVVVVVVU

Shes 5. Shes not responsible for anything at that age. Label the clothes. Go in and look. Ask the teachers.

If she was 7 or 8 then maybe.

But they really are little at 4 - and she has had a lot of adjusting to do recently. My dd is in year 1 now, and when I look at the new YRs they do seem tiny and VERY much younger.

In our school we are allowed free access and I see all the little ones coming out, struggling to gather a vast amount of stuff. A few children are very vigilant about their stuff but most struggle (my DD was a hyper viligant type - great that we never lost anything but my goodness I worried about her obsessiveness and the dramas if anything was misplaced even for a short time).

• the teachers ought to be checking every kid has at least their cardi/jumper and coat and book bag. They can't do much if PE kit gets put away in the wrong bag, but they can run the lost property effectively. In our school (small) the head will email you if she finds something and parents who have lost something can put a note in our Friday newsletter about the coming week.

• her dad ought to be proactively checking she has got everything when he collects her.

• other children may be putting her stuff in their bags. Not her fault.

• she may just be struggling to cope, or it may partly be her way of protesting against being sent to school every day, the separation from you etc. She probably really loves school in some ways, but I don't think any 4 year old child goes through the process of being sent to school every day 9-3 without some feelings of being pushed out. Whichever it is, I don't think punishment is the right answer.

And just before the OP gets torn limb from limb...how many of you here can put their hand up and say that every parenting judgement call you have ever made, was the right one?

Chill people. Op gets it.

Unfortunately, there are people who think nothing of taking other people's stuff in school. There have been numerous threads, over the years, on MN, by people whose kids' stuff has gone missing. Strangely, as people have pointed out, it tends to be the expensive stuff that walks, more easily than the less expensive stuff.
Of course it's annoying and frustrating, but honestly, she isn't doing it on purpose. She is adjusting to a big change, in her little life. Her dad is the one who should be doing a check to make sure that she has her stuff, when he collects her. No matter how advanced she seems, she needs this to be done, for her.
You mentioned clothes being labelled, make sure it is in a way that they can be easily identified, (labels on outside, if necessary) and not worn by some other child whose parents are quite happy to allow someone else to keep their child dressed for school.
It can also be, of course, innocent mix ups by the kids themselves, at this young age, getting used to changing, trying to remember what they brought to school and so on.
Let her go to the little club, it's all part of making friends and settling into school life.

You were being unreasonable but it is frustrating. Glad it worked out.

4 is so young, they all loose stuff, sometimes their carelessness, sometimes others. My now 8 yo regularly comes out of school without something. This year alone he lost pe shorts - someone else took them home after the after school club (a bit if a free for all where the kids change in the hall), these turned up in a friends bag a week later. Yesterday his friend went home without a shirt because he couldn't find it, a couple of weeks ago, a sock!

If you label stuff it usually turns up! In reception we both managed to leave his book bag at the park after school. It was waiting for him in his classroom the next day as some kind soul had handed it in :) I have also had another mum turn up on the doorstep with a school shirt as somehow they had got swopped (his was labled but her daughters wasn't) so I hadn't noticed!

He and his friends regularly come out without hats, coats, jumpers etc and gloves are impossible. I have started buying 2 pairs the same to stand a chance of a pair surviving the winter! The lost property box is always full. Its normal (and frustrating).

All you can do is ask Dad to check after school if she has everything.. then check yourself when she gets home so you can act in the morning (as you did this time) or at least remind her on the way in to look for x. If you can get Dad to send her back in (or take her back in while she is tiny) it may help to reinforce it (but don't hold your breath). Girks seem to catch on quicker than boys in my experience.

Just to add, please don't exclude her from school social events as a punishment (especially at this age). She can't help what is happenning as sometimes it will be someone elses doing. She isn't being naughty and is making huge adjustments in her little life. She probably hasn't really had to look after her stuff before and this really takes some getting used to. School social events like the club you mentioned are real bonding experiences and so important, there is much more to it than it being a treat.

Being academically advanced does not equal being mature. YABU. She's only 4 and its school uniform. She wouldn't lose/forget her favourite clothes.

Personally, I'd be playing merry hell with school over it's appalling loss property procedures!

Reception children (and older primary children) do lose stuff and they are absolutely clueless about looking for it.

When my DDs were small you could just wander in and look for it. It was often on the floor or two pegs from there's.

Sadly most primaries now have lots of irritating security so you may have to rely on the staff to look. Some are brilliant and realise the upset missing things cause. Some are hopeless and uncaring to the point they shouldn't be teaching.

I had a right nag at my dd for losing her coat at school this week. Then I went to work and noticed one of my coats on the coat stand in the office where I'd left it two days earlier.
Chip off the old block?

Thanks for the latesr nice replies.

Dh & I are passing ships at the moment, however I am going to send him a text each morning with a list of what she goes in with then he needs to go in and get it.

We've gone through so much stuff in the last few weeks that its frustrating, the school only allow a healthy snack at break so I send it in a pot I think she's lost maybe 6 pots!

Definitely wouldn't forget her favorite things. It's just frustrating.

Anyways fingers crossed with a sensible process in place we will have everything coming home.