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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to use this punishment for DD

100 replies

realitygone · 10/10/2014 08:06

I am posting here for quick honest responses.

dd is in reception, she is quite advanced for her age and acts in a very grown up way. However she seems to have lost all of her common sense sincr starting school, she has lost cardigans, tops when changing for p.e and brought home 3 plimsoles (2 hers 1 someone elses) this week she has lost another top and yesterday a cardigan.

none of these are being found, she has been told countless times to put her things in her draw when she takes them off, her teacher reminds her and she just doesn't seem to listen.

There is a club that runs once a month and is like a disco for the kids, it requires money to take with them and also changing into party clothes.

I am thinking that if I go into school this morning and don't find the cardigan that I sanction her by not allowing her to go to the club, this will hopefully hit home that she will need to start thinking a bit better. We have threatened selling her toys to pay for the missing things and she doesn't seem to care.

aibu?

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 10/10/2014 08:25

She is 4 FOUR - no matter how 'grown up' she acts, she IS 4.

If things aren't being returned to her there are problems at the school or with you.

  • Are all her clothes properly labelled?
  • Have you checked lost property?
  • Are there lots of clothes lying around the class room/changing room/hallway?

Where are they? They don't vanish into the ether... IF they aren't turning up on her peg or in her drawer & are not in lost property they're being stolen.

Yes you can impress upon her to put them on her peg/in her drawer/in her PE bag etc, but punish her for it - really, don't be so daft.

CadmiumRed · 10/10/2014 08:27

Stop threatening her with punishments that have nothing to do with the crime. Not that forgetfulness and an inability to multi task and manage things is a crime in 4 and 5 year olds. Have you no empathy or understanding for the developmental stage of your small child?

Label everything very clearly and keep checking lost property.

RonaldMcDonald · 10/10/2014 08:27

YABU

Original poster
realitygone · 10/10/2014 08:28

Everything is clearly labelled. We cannot afford to buy new ones not even the cheap things.

She was putting it all in the tray but just stopped, her dad collects her.

Any suggestions on how I can get it to work?

I know its aibu but I am not a horrible mother, just a skint one.

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 10/10/2014 08:30

i dont t hgink your a horrable mother. and belive me i get the anger when they lose yet another jumper. BUT i think youv thought this out ina rage.

when she gets picked up ask her to go back and get what shes left behind.

Heels99 · 10/10/2014 08:31

Get dad to check all items are with her when he picks up,or he goes back into school with her and looks in her drawer, on her peg, under the pegs in the inevitable pile of clothes and through the lost property. Every day.

CadmiumRed · 10/10/2014 08:32

Get her Dad to check her bag before they leave and pop back to look for any missing items. I know it is expensive and frustrating, but it really is a lot for 4 year olds to manage alongside everything else going on in school. It is CHAOS. When they are all getting changed, for example.

Can she read her name in her clothes? Can you label her stuff additionally with a bright green sticker, or something?

skylark2 · 10/10/2014 08:32

"her dad collects her."

Surely he's capable of checking she comes out of school with the right things?

Have you (both) checked in his car?

insanityscratching · 10/10/2014 08:33

YABVU she's only four. Losing things happens throughout Primary and it's not always the child's fault even. Other children pick up the wrong stuff, parents don't return things that aren't their child's, hell sometimes parents deliberately take labelled stuff to supplement their own children.
Buy cheap and cheerful and second hand and go in straight after school if she hasn't got her things but resign yourself to the fact that it will be a good few years yet before you end the year with the full complement of stuff that you started the year with.

Floralnomad · 10/10/2014 08:36

If the clothes are labelled why are you not getting them back ,it could be someone else is taking the stuff as opposed to your dd forgetting them . I would speak to the teacher about asking other parents to check that they only have their own child's clothing at home .

Dancergirl · 10/10/2014 08:37

YABVVVVU

It's reception, things go missing all the time. In my experience though if things are properly named they usually turn up eventually.

She's 4, just started school, she's doing her best. It may not even be her fault, another kid could have grabbed her stuff thinking it was theirs.

Do you have a group email for your class? Send a quick email to see if anyone has found her things.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/10/2014 08:37

You appear to be punishing her based on something she cannot possibly be responsible for!

Why 'if you don't find the cardigan this morning'? How is she in control of someone finding it/ handing it in/ putting in the right place for you to pick up?

Makes no sense. And as she is tiny, it will make even less sense to her. To an adult it's clear that you are frustrated and focused on the end effect rather than on what she can control, to her it will just seem incomprehensible - she's ok to misplace stuff as long as someone else finds it, so she has to wait and worry until you see what happens and decide that it's worthy of a telling off?

Will make her anxious and feel out of control, rather than helping her learn a new skill and be in control of what happens.

Practice, not punishment. And if you really can't resist punishing her, at least make it a rational one based on her actions, not someone else's.

And remember the golden rules: punishments must be

  • timely
  • relevant
  • proportional
NoodleOodle · 10/10/2014 08:37

Embroider her initials on the outside of everything as well as internal labels and you'll find it less of a problem.

Have you been in to check the lost property? If so, you're an adult and can't find the clothes, so how can you expect her to be able to? If not, go rummage!

ChippingInLatteLover · 10/10/2014 08:42

How you can get it to work?

Go into the office before school, ask to check lost property.

Go into the hallway/classroom, look for her clothing.

If it's not there ask the teacher where it is.

If the teacher doesn't know, go and see the Head.

Get it sorted out, clearly it's being stolen.

Ask DH to make sure she has everything at the end of the day. He's a man, but you know what, they can do it :) Hmm and if he says he can't/no ask him why? Surely he's as skint at you are?

mummytime · 10/10/2014 08:51

YABVU
For all you know she could be organised but other children are grabbing her stuff, and there parents aren't super organised so don't necessarily find things straight away.
In my DCs school two children put on the wrong shoes in reception, it was only noticed after they had got home and one was limping (too small shoes).
Is there any second hand uniform/or a spare pile? My youngest lost her new shoes at Easter of Reception, we had permission for her to wear cheap ones for the rest of the summer term - as I didn't want to replace them until autumn.

She is 4/5 regardless of how grown up she seems. Reception is exhausting. You can't put your money worries onto a tiny child.

Go into school, ask, pester, get notes put in newsletters - but don't punish your DD.

Millipedewithherfeetup · 10/10/2014 08:51

I think its more than unreasonable just cruel and nasty.

jasper · 10/10/2014 08:51

yabu

IT's DRAWER

WaroftheRoses · 10/10/2014 08:56

YABVU! If she is bringing other kids' stuff home do you not think perhaps this is where her stuff is going and therefore she isn't in control of it? Make sure all her stuff is clearly and permanently labelled and use your energies to organise a text system between mums of the class to let each other know who ended up with whose stuff at the end of the week. She may act "grown up" but she is only 4 or 5! And trust me-you have many years of stuff vanishing into the ether to come-frustrating but that is the way it goes! PFB?!

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/10/2014 09:01

Yabu.

Seriously that's too much stuff going missing. I'd actually he concerned someone's taking it. It's labelled so no reason on this earth is not turning up.

Your dd is not responsible for other people's dishonesty.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2014 09:04

What punishment are you giving her dad, who is the adult bringing a v young child home without her belongings?

pictish · 10/10/2014 09:14

Yabu - losing their shit is par for the course at that age - even if she is 'advanced' and 'very grown up for her age' - she is still all of five, and it takes a while for those sort of organisational skills to develop.

HSMMaCM · 10/10/2014 09:15

I have been collecting children from school for years and have to send somebody back into school for coat, shoes, jumper, PE kit, or whatever practically every day. When she is collected her bag needs to be checked and regular visits made to her peg and lost property. She cannot be accountable for other children picking up her stuff because they've lost their own.

Madamecastafiore · 10/10/2014 09:15

Year 3 maybe but she is in reception FFS!

Original poster
realitygone · 10/10/2014 09:19

Wow cruel, nasty and a pick at spelling.
I hadn't had a conversation with dd about not going to club so she wasn't anxious or upset about anything.

When we got to school the teacher gave me the cardigan someone else had picked it up. I had a chat with her and they are going to supervise her getting changed and make sure everything goes in the bag.

I don't think I particularly deserve some of the replies that have been posted, I doubt there is a single parent who at some point has thought of taking action that may not be appropriate.

OP posts:
Iggly · 10/10/2014 09:20

YABU

Seriously. Seriously?!

Label her cardigans. At the end of the day, check where they are when you collect her. Talk to her teacher about the routine and work out where things are getting lost.

FWIW, my ds started reception this September. He's 5, very advanced, can recite French poetry and do algebra Wink no he can't really but I wouldn't "punish" him if he lost his stuff at school! He's so bloody tired for a start!