Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my parents and sister have cut me off for seemingly no reason?

74 replies

PinkPolkaDotPurple · 09/10/2014 13:54

My parents and sister have always been quite difficult people. Parents are both abusive narcissists. Sister is the golden child.

My parents are both extremely oversensitive, getting offended at every little thing, and often reading things into things that simply are not there. As a child I would often get a hiding because I said something in a tone they didn't like, or looked at my dad the wrong way. As a teenager they would threaten to throw me out of the house and cut me off at every opportunity. I wasn't a badly behaved teenager by any stretch of the imagination, and crept around trying to please them. My mum would always scream and cry about any little thing and would take offence at everything. If I went to a friend's house, for example, I would be sulked at for days, and it would then come to a head a few days later with my mum having a screaming and crying 'tantrum', me getting a smack from my dad, and eventually it would blow over until the next time....

So, I am now late thirties and throughout my life my parents have cut me off several times. When they do this my sister cuts me off too. Each period of 'cutting off' lasts up to a year.

There was a period of cutting off about 10 years ago when my parents saw one of DH's friends in the street. DH's friend is quite a sarcastic, jokey person and made a joke, which my parents immediately took offence too and decided that DH and I had told him to say it. They didn't speak to DH and I for over a year, AND we didn't find out what we had supposedly done until they started talking to us again!

Another time they stopped talking to us for a few months because my dad popped round, at his insistence (he is a martryr) to paint something in our house, and apparently I didn't appear grateful enough and said hello to him in a strange tone.

There have been various other equally petty things, such as when I had PND after having DC1. My mum turned it round to being all about her, and said she couldn't cope with me having it and she would see me again when I was "more normal". And again lots more screaming and crying from her.

And now they are not speaking to us again, this time it's been about 16 months. This time we know the reason. Apparently it is because we were "off" with my sister and BIL over a year ago one day at my parents' house, and so my parents and sister have decided that I don't like my sister and BIL and I'm no longer welcome in any of their houses.

I was speaking with my Gran this morning, who said it's making her so sad that we're all not speaking, but I was saying that I am totally bemused about it and I've had enough of them cutting me off for no reason.

AIBU to be upset about it all? I just do not know how to handle it

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 09/10/2014 13:58

I just do not know how to handle it

Take control and do this on your own terms. Do you need these people in your life? I suspect not.

NorwaySpruce · 09/10/2014 13:59

I wouldn't be upset, and I'd leave them to their dramas. It won't be nearly as much fun for them if you don't act as an audience.

You can't have seen much of them over the years anyway, with all of the cutting off going on.

Vitalstatistix · 09/10/2014 14:00

Easier said than done, I know, but handle it by getting on with your life without them and being happy.

ok, they share genes with you but really, is that worth the hassle they bring to your life? They sound exhausting. What do you need them for? I mean them, the people they are, not the idea of parents or siblings, but them and how they treat you - why do you need that shit?

misscph1973 · 09/10/2014 14:00

Oh, your poor thing, it sounds awful. I am so sorry that your family is being so horrible to you. Have you ever spoken to a psychologist or similar about this? It just doesn't sound right.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you get back in touch with your family again if you know from experience that it won't last? What does your DH say about all this?

Charitybelle · 09/10/2014 14:07

I have to say this sounds awful and must be very upsetting for you to never know from one day to the next where you stand with your own family?
I honestly think you should get on with your life and refuse contact from them when they decide this latest 'cutting out' is over. Get some counselling, talk it over with other mumsnetters and your DH, but prepare yourself to cut these people out of your life. It's amazing that you sound as sane and level headed as you do. I would be a train wreck if this was my family!

cozietoesie · 09/10/2014 14:07

I'd relax and try to enjoy it. NC can be wonderful after years of abuse - and that's what you've been subjected to. They sound appalling and I'd let them stew from now on.

Is it possible for you to keep contact with your Gran though? I'm sad for her.

Mammanat222 · 09/10/2014 14:08

Your parents sound nuts to be quite frank.

I would suggest that next time they decide they are all "speaking to you" again tell them to shove off.

YOU start calling the shots here.

Imagine in a few years when you have to explain to the kids why granny and granddad aren't talking to you all yet again - don't drag your kids into this madness.

Surely your gran must know what your parents are like?

Personally I'd be cutting people like this out of my life completely.

babykonitsway · 09/10/2014 14:09

YANBU,

I cannot believe you handle it so well.

Life is short, too short to be treated like that. Yes they are your blood but what real positive impact do they have on your life? None I imagine.

Cut them out, do not be a doormat.

Original poster
PinkPolkaDotPurple · 09/10/2014 14:09

The thing that worries me is that if I refuse to see them my mum pulls the health card and says that I will make her so stressed one day that she'll drop dead!

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPolkaDotPurple · 09/10/2014 14:10

And yes I totally agree they are nuts!

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 09/10/2014 14:12

I think you just have to get to a point where you can see that for the manipulative bullshit it is and ignore it.

I believe the stately homes threads on here are excellent resources for people who are dealing with family members like you describe.

cozietoesie · 09/10/2014 14:12

.....my mum pulls the health card and says that I will make her so stressed one day that she'll drop dead!.....

Tough.

cozietoesie · 09/10/2014 14:16

PS - although the likelihood is that if you refuse to 'play' her games she'll just find a new victim through boredom. (Such people often become addicted to drama.) Your sister's position might be a little dangerous.

But what would you care anyway? Just because people are related to you is no reason why you have to like them and after all of these years of abuse from them, I'd be enjoying my own life with them somewhere else.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 09/10/2014 14:19

We have a similar situation with my MIL and her husband.

My DH is slowly coming around to the idea that when she does decide to get in touch again we either ignore or play it really cool. I've certainly had enough of the 'full on' contact when she is in contact, followed by months of no contact at all.

I really think you should just refuse to engage with them from now on. Break the cycle.

Whatisaweekend · 09/10/2014 14:20

says that I will make her so stressed one day she'll drop dead

Don't let her guilt you like this - you know that this will never happen, right?! She will never drop dead from stress induced by you. Even if she does get appallingly stressed, she has and always has brought it upon herself!

As a pp said, when they are talking to you again, I would def tell them that you are taking control and cutting them off for good. This comes up so often on mumsnet and the people who go NC rarely regret it. In fact they find it a relief and wonderfully life enhancing!

Thanks for you - your OP sounds so sad, bewildered and stressed.

paddlenorapaddle · 09/10/2014 14:21

Cosie no one ever dropped dead from being an arsehole

It's time to make a decision either you cut the elastic so they can't keep pinging you about

Or accept that this is your life and always will be this way

Ps speaking from experience it's been nearly 5 years of blissful nc it is possible to be free but you do have to choose

aquashiv · 09/10/2014 14:23

Sounds like you have the measure of them and you know its not you its them.

You have to ask yourself what you would get out of this relationship if you were on speaking terms.

Take the high ground smile at them and their funny ways but don't engage or let them use you as a scape goat. YOU WONT CHANGE THEM

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/10/2014 14:24

You are the adult now love. It's time to go NC.

Leeds2 · 09/10/2014 14:25

After they have contact, how do you then get back in contact? Do they contact you, after they deem you have been punished enough, or do you keep asking them to get in touch?

Fabulassie · 09/10/2014 14:26

If this were a man treating you this way - giving you the silent treatment and having tantrums - we would all say "Leave the Bastard."

You can take control of the situation by cutting them out of YOUR life and making it clear that they're not welcome back in it. Believe it or not, there are plenty of people living happy lives who have no contact with their parents. You can totally do it, yourself.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/10/2014 14:29

Take this opportunity to change your email address, phone number and if possible move so you never have to deal with them again. No-one should put up with this. They've already made the decision to go NC. Just finish the job for them. Your life will improve immeasurably.

Of course your mum won't die of stress. How fucking ridiculous.

Original poster
PinkPolkaDotPurple · 09/10/2014 14:29

They suddenly contact me when they've decided that we've been punished enough. My mum will say she's been so upset about it all and go on and on about all the trouble and upset I have 'caused' her

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 09/10/2014 14:30

Oh I agree, paddle - although you might occasionally have to ignore histrionics. (Attendance at A&E for 'palpitations' etc etc.)

I've been there, OP, and What and other posters are right - going genuinely NC can be just great! Do you really think, after all of these years, that they actually care about you? You're little more than a living punch bag at the moment it seems to me.

You might want to read some of the Stately Homes thread though and consider some counselling for example. If I were you, I'd have so much anger stored up inside me that it would have to come out before I could find myself properly again.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/10/2014 14:30

I woukd do them a favour and go NC with the lot of em, except gran. They sound bloody toxic and emotionally abusive. Stop trying to please them, you know you never will. Talking to them sounds a no no as they are not rational sensible people, they will turn it round on you! So just please yourself and your family!

Marriedtothetinman · 09/10/2014 14:32

Have a think about counselling. You sound like a good person, in spite of your family but you don't deserve any more of their manipulative crap. There's no way of handling it, the only way to deal with people like this is to disengage. Read Susan Forward's Toxic Parents , if you have time, it's helpful in situations like yours.