To ask for your thoughts - adoption or IVF

[heythatsnotme]

Hi,

I'm 35 next year and I am giving serious thought as to how I can become a parent.

I have no known fertility issues and am healthy weight, no ongoing health issues at all, etc. (I am single, which is why we can't just TTC as there is no man!)

On the one hand I am drawn to IUI or IVF with anonymous sperm - anonymous until the child turns 18 at any rate. I would love to experience pregnancy, give birth and breastfeed. I'd love to name my baby, have scan pics, newborn pics and so on. And of course no one asks any questions!

However the 'is it fair on the child' question keeps rising in my mind. Of course the same applies to adopted children I suppose - to raise them without a father or father figure - but I suppose the difference is that that life already exists, and I am hopefully enhancing it rather than of being in detriment to it. And perhaps as a single mum, I would be as well to avoid sleepless nights! (I have attended an open evening which indicated getting a baby wouldn't be possible.)

I have serious doubts as to whether I would be approved to adopt mainly due to my family background which sadly saw both parents die young. As a result I obviously lack the much lauded support and additionally there is the risk I could also die young.

I suppose I'm wondering what would you do? :)

I know people who have undergone IVF and a couple who adopted two gorgeous little boys (brothers) and all children involved are now thriving. I don't know any single people who have done either but it's such a personal choice, I'm not sure I have any constructive advice. Good luck with whatever you choose though, it's very exciting!

Well I have one of each 1 Iby child and 1 adopted child and can say both routes were hard in their own way.

One thing for certain though is you have to have given up and come to terms with all desire to have a birth child before going down the adoption route as they will want to know you are 100% committed to adoption.

Also your sad history also would probably be of benefit to you re adoption as you will be able to demonstrate you can help a child through early loss and trauma as you have come through it yourself. Support networks come in all shapes and sizes it does not have to be family.

In all honesty from reading your post if I was you I would try the iui first bearing in mind most agencies will want you to wait 6month to a year after any failure (God forbid) to start the adoption process. It's your decision though.

I wish you luck in however you proceed.

Adoption is not for the faint hearted. Adopted children often come with baggage. I did see a wonderful single Mum who had several adopted children on a programme about fostering and adoption, so obviously single parents are accepted, but as you say a lot of emphasis is put on support networks.
I am part of a support network for a family who foster babies prior to adoption and even newborns can present problems.

So sorry I have just re-read the last bit of your post. One of the first things adoption will put you through is a medical so I would say get that done and see where you stand and make a decision from there. So sorry to hear about your parents x

Tbh I would try ivf.

The reason I say this is because if any of my children needed a kidney or bone marrow eat I know there would be someone in mine or DH family that could donate. Also known genetic risks.

As you are saying you would love to be pregnant, breastfeed, see scan pics, name baby I would inclined to say maybe go with the ivf first.

As a single parent you will need to show you good support network around you during the adoption process - this wouldnt necessarily have to be family though. If you have attended an open evening you have obviously done quite a bit of research on the adoption process already. I suppose it depends on whether you think you can deal with the uncertainty of the childs development, talking to them about adoption from a very early age, maybe meeting the birth parents, writing and exchanging letters with the birth parents.

Good luck with whatever you decide - only you will know what which is the right route to go down.

Thanks What for your kind words.

There's nothing genetic in my parents' deaths - just very bad luck unfortunately. My mum died of cancer in the lining of her stomach and unfortunately we've got reason to believe it was drinking quite a lot of alcohol that contributed to this. She certainly wasn't an alcoholic; just the same both parents were very dedicated boozers and she was in the final years of her life drinking a bottle of wine a night She was a very petite lady and it was just too much.

My dad died of heart failure but if it's possible to 'die of a broken heart' I think he did, sadly. He became very strange after she died!

I need to think about it: my greatest terror is resentment from a sperm-donor baby.

Just from what you have posted about wanting all the things that come with having a birth child I'd say that you need to try IVF first.

I adopted two 10 month old babies but I wasn't ready to make the decision to adopt until I had grieved for the babies I couldn't produce myself.

Angels, I definitely know what you mean but I suppose I'm trying to weigh the most straightforward and 'easiest' decision for me, which is undoubtedly IVF, alongside the best thing for the child, which is possibly not, given I can't offer a father or equivalent.

I hope that makes sense and congratulations on your babies

I'd say to go for artificial insemination since you're keen on being pregnant. Hopefully if you don't have any fertility issues it will take, and you won't need any complicated ivf-type stuff. Purely choosing donor sperm and having an old-fashioned pipette drop some sperm around ovulation isn't complicated or very expensive. Fwiw I have a few single friends who have adopted and a few who have had dc by donor sperm; the majority of them have however chosen to adopt.

hey I looked I to it, before I met my DH I was planning on being a single mother by choice. There are quite a few blogs out there on the subject.
You can have donor American sperm sent over (usually to a London clinic) you seemed to receive a lot more info from the American agencies (some also use it because if the shortages in the UK) with photos,family medical history, education and background. You can also choose if they will be traceable in the future.

A friend of mine who used a Uk donor because of her DH sperm quality said she received very little info in comparison.

Isn't it usually IUI instead of IVF for donor babies?

IUI is certainly an option. IVF has a higher success rate but it's tricky because of course many ladies have pre existing fertility problems which obviously impact on the stats.

I've got used to trotting out 'ivf' to generally mean 'have fertility treatment to become pregnant' - sorry! :)

Someone mentioned genetics with IVF.
I would say that, for me, the one thing I would consider carefully is the health of the child, ie you will have no idea of what sort of trauma that child might have had during the pregnancy (eg alcohol or drugs) and after the birth depending ongthr circumstances for the adoption. Or you might know them. But you are likely to have a child with some sort of social need, at the very least on an attachment basis.
With IVF, a lot more things are within your control.

I think both route (IVF ie adoption) are difficult. IVF isn't always successful on the first attempt and it can be emotionally very hard.
Adoption can also a long process to be validated and then waiting for the child.

I personally would have ivf first then if you decide to have another adopt.

I don't think being single is a deal breaker as such, I have no issue with women deciding to go it alone.

However having a child has been the most difficult thing I have ever done and I say this having a partner (and a massive support network - Mum, Dad, siblings, MIL and FIL - all close by)

Yes being pregnant, having scans, feeling baby move, breast feeding, watching baby reach milestones is all wonderful but no-one tells you how fucking hard it is.

The positives of course outweigh any negatives but please don't think it is all happiness and joy - it's not - its a lot of hard graft, a lot of emotional investment [not to mention the financial investment] and it's never ending.

I love my DS, have enjoyed the experience enough to be doing it all over again in a few months (DD due in January) but I would express to anyone in your situation that it's not an easy thing to do.

X

What I say above applies to whatever route you decided to go down (IVF or adoption)

I do know that thanks :) but I do know I want to be a parent, and without a partner or husband I need to consider the best way to go about this.

It won't be easy, but the alternative - not being a mum - is harder than anything, to me. Not the same for everybody of course but for me definitely.

My gut feeling. Go for giving birth. Give it three goes for IVF if that is what is advised, 6 for donor sperm. If it hasn't worked, go for adoption.

Thanks.

It's mainly the child I'm worried about, not so much the success rates.

Heythat, have a look at today's Guardian, which has a long article on sperm donation, sperm import, and dwindling numbers of donors, but which will give you some idea of waiting times, non-NHS routes etc. Also, as regards exploring adoption, or the process of deciding between the two, go onto the excellent adoption board on here - which is full of women who have done both and are level-headed, sensitive and full of good advice.

Best wishes.

Hi hey - sounds like we're in the same situation; single and wanting a child. I don't really have anything in the way of advice, but wanted to share my experience so far - I also want to go through the pregnancy, childbirth aspects, and because of that I've opted for fertility treatment (although adoption isn't off the list - it's something I would put a lot of thought into if the pregnancy route doesn't go to plan)

I went to my GP back in May and asked for a referral to a fertility consultant. It's a teeny bit more complicated in my case as I have PCOS. The consultant basically said that success results for 1 cycle of IVF are roughly the same as 6 cycles of IUI. What really swung it for me is that I can donate eggs if I pick IVF as they're withdrawing eggs for the treatment, so will just take extra eggs to be donated. This sort of levels my mental playing field in my weird logic; accepting donor sperm and repaying the favour by donating eggs. IUI is certainly less invasive, but your consultant will explain the differences between them.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to start actual treatment in the summer because they wanted me to be below a certain BMI and I wasn't (partly because of the PCOS, but mostly because I enjoyed food to an unhealthy degree.) Am finally getting close to the right weight, although I want to go a little below it just so I can give up on the dieting over Christmas and not shove myself back into the wrong weight category.

I'm hoping I can call the clinic before the end of the month and get started on my tests for the egg donation side of things, and also start choosing my sperm.

IVF is physically and mentally draining. And may not work.

Adoption is mentally draining. And you may not get approved or matched.

IVF has a natural 'age limit' on it, adoption doesn't so much.

Sometimes they actively look for a single parents for some adopted children to prevent 'splitting' or due to past negative experiences with e.g. birth father, or strong attachment to e.g. birth father.

We tried IVF, but then went on to adopt. I don't really feel I missed out (girls were 8 and 2 when placed).

IVF or adoption, you should consider what support network you have, and what male role models you have too.

Just a suggestion: my lesbian friends have a lovely little girl conceived by artificial insemination with semen donated by a friend of theirs. He is acknowledged as her dad and his other children are regarded as her siblings but they don't live in the same area so don't spend very much time together. They signed some sort of official document saying the father relinquished all parental rights or something.
My nosy friend, who is good for getting details I'm not willing to push for, just asked point blank "Did you have SEX with a MAN??" LOL. (No, they used a cup and a syringe) Birth mum got pg first try at the age of 34.

As an adoptive mum, I would definitely suggest that of you want the experience of pregnancy, birth and a baby, naming and breastfeeding etc (and there is nothing wrong about wanting that) then you need to fully consider fertility treatments. It's okay and totally fine to be 'selfish' about this. Social services also want to know that their applicants have moved past having a birth child, and to have come to terms and be comfortable with the differences inherent in adoption. An adoptive child absolutely needs to be coming into a home where their new parents have moved past birth children. Some people like me never tried to have NC because we just aren't much bothered by pregnancy etc, but some people would really prefer those experiences, and often these parents need to have tried fertility treatment before moving onto adoption. Basically I'm saying think about and acknowledge your own needs right now, be very honest with yourself

Your background won't prevent you adopting if you do decide to go down that route. More adoptive parents than you would imagine have precious little or no family/family support, or have abusive parents themselves. Your support does not need to be comprised of family. Friends are fine. You might belong to other groups of supportive people too eg. Church etc. Being single is fine.

Please do come over and chat to us in adoption if you want to talk more about what SS are looking for and any concerns you have

Parenting adopted children can also be quite different to parenting birth children, so its important to think about that too, and how you feel about it.

By the way all 3 of my children have had sleeping issues, they were 10, 8 and 23 months when they each moved in. All 3 of them have at points over many years have had me equally sleep derived as a mum with a newborn baby. So unfortunately you well might not escape sleep deprivation by adopting an older child!

Best of luck to you, and do feel free to post on adoption board at any time and lots more adopters will see it and give you their experiences