To ask for your thoughts - adoption or IVF

[heythatsnotme]

Hi,

I'm 35 next year and I am giving serious thought as to how I can become a parent.

I have no known fertility issues and am healthy weight, no ongoing health issues at all, etc. (I am single, which is why we can't just TTC as there is no man!)

On the one hand I am drawn to IUI or IVF with anonymous sperm - anonymous until the child turns 18 at any rate. I would love to experience pregnancy, give birth and breastfeed. I'd love to name my baby, have scan pics, newborn pics and so on. And of course no one asks any questions!

However the 'is it fair on the child' question keeps rising in my mind. Of course the same applies to adopted children I suppose - to raise them without a father or father figure - but I suppose the difference is that that life already exists, and I am hopefully enhancing it rather than of being in detriment to it. And perhaps as a single mum, I would be as well to avoid sleepless nights! (I have attended an open evening which indicated getting a baby wouldn't be possible.)

I have serious doubts as to whether I would be approved to adopt mainly due to my family background which sadly saw both parents die young. As a result I obviously lack the much lauded support and additionally there is the risk I could also die young.

I suppose I'm wondering what would you do? :)

Thanks tropical but I'm not going to ask my male friends for their sperm!

Unfortunately I can't offer male role models.

I can offer - a stable, secure, nice home. My undivided love and attention (!) enough financial backing to indulge hobbies they want to do and financial aid when they leave school to fund college or university or whatever they want to do. Consistency, kindness, understanding, more love than I know what to do with (I have a lot of love to give and the cats just don't cut it) - it's honestly not about "should I do one of these routes" as I have to. But it's which route.

Ps. I think this is important to say - If you do decide you really want a BC because of your own needs and so decide against adoption, then you are doing right by the waiting children in care, and considering their needs. That's why it's important to be honest with yourself and be 'selfish'

No, zzzz - I do mean IVF or IUI with donor sperm thank you. I would be having the procedure done in the UK, will be over the age of thirty five when and if I do and so obviously want to maximise my chances.

I could be wrong but I haven't seen straightforward insemination offered at any uk based clinics: it's offered in Denmark but I haven't seen it anywhere in the uk.

zzzzz IUI is artificial insemination with sperm.

hey - my consultant offers both; straightforward IUI with either donor sperm or known sperm, and IVF, as well as a number of other options which weren't relevant like ICSI. He's based out of the Oxford Fertility Clinic.

Yes, that was my understanding! I think IUI is placed directly into the uterus? When I went to a clinic open day I focused quite heavily on IVF as that had higher success rates though.

I've done the kid with anonymous sperm donor on my own. He is very much wanted and loved by me so it is not unfair on him! Straighforward IUI is offered in all fertility clinics in the UK. My London one did it.

My close relative imported the sperm from abroad which then (not sure about now) meant some advantages - more chance to read about characteristics of the donor etc. I think for many it's much better than adoption if you want the whole birth process etc.

I would go for IUI/Sperm donation/IVF - if you adopt, whilst it can be lovely in its own way you would miss out on being pregnant/giving birth/having a tiny baby. Most adopted children will be at least one if not two years of age.

That is another possibility of course, although the real concern is that the child will feel I have deliberately deprived them of a father figure.

Obviously the same is true to an extent of an adopted child but since the adopted child already existed the same argument can't quite apply.

I have to admit I'm leaning slightly more towards fertility treatment with donated sperm, though.

The way my guy explained it he was saying that IUI is the least invasive, but you'd most likely have to do more cycles to be in with a best chance of conceiving. IVF is more invasive and more expensive, but you have a higher chance of it working.

I opted for IVF because my cycles are unpredictable and I'm not sure if I ovulate regularly, to the IVF has a load of extra hormonal stuff which would help with that.

I get the worries about the lack of a father figure; I'm very fortunate to have my father, step-father and cousin-in-law (that's a thing, right?) who will hopefully be around for future baby's life. If they weren't, I would still most likely go ahead. Intentionally going it alone is always going to be ridiculously hard, but at least doing it like this then your baby will always know that they were wanted.

be aware that some local authorities require a set length of time between last IVF treatment and adoption application.

In the borough where we made enquiries it was a year but I have heard of some asking for two years.

Your biggest worry is about a father figure or lack thereof and I think you need to be able to work this through first, no matter which route you take. The Donor Conception network is UK based and may be able to put you in touch with others who are single parents by choice - they have a lot of info on line too. Best of luck x

I know there are some sperm donor children who feel resentful but I doubt they'd have preferred not to exist? There are also plenty of children whose biological father buggered off when they were in the womb or tiny - were those women unfair to their children by having not taken more pains to choose a reliable father for them?

One thing that hasn't been mentioned I think. My understanding (admittedly not very well informed, so someone please correct me if I'm wrong) is that an awful lot of children who are up for adoption will have, or will develop, developmental and/or behavioural difficulties of some sort. There are exceptions of course but if you say you don't want these, then it will greatly reduce the children available to be matched with you. So think carefully about how you would feel about parenting a child with such difficulties - if you aren't up for it then perhaps that's a reason to go with fertility treatment first. Of course a biological child could also have such difficulties but statistically less likely.

Sorry, I see it has been mentioned.

Princess, I think you've misunderstood my meaning slightly there.

My biggest worry isn't the lack of father figure per se. It's that this might lead to the child resenting me.

I'm fairly confident I could cope - and I'm not being blithe by saying that, it's just losing both parents at a young age makes you very resourceful if nothing else - but I don't necessarily expect the child to!

I do absolutely understand your concern and of course thinking carefully about the future child is necessary. It is however, a big 'what if'.

We never have a crystal ball, so all of us have to base our decisions on the here and now, and try and let go of the 'what ifs'. Adoption has a lot more what ifs attached to it than donor conception, though they may not be concerning you as much right now. Realistically though, the uncertainty is huge. I asked myself in the adoption process 'what if my child doesn't want me any more when she's an adult, and only wants her birth parents?'. What if your child struggles hugely with being adopted and hates it? What if they resent you at points in their life for adopting them? There are so many potential difficult issues that could arise with growing up adopted and navigating having 2 families. What if, what if, what if. I've really had to deal with these kind of things, eg. resentment and all 3 of mine have had issues and experienced deep pain over what it means to be adopted and coming to terms with their life story. It's a life long process. So your child could resent you or have struggles accepting the facts of their conception/birth either way.

Ultimately we can only weigh everything up and then take a big step into the unknown and say 'what happens, happens, and I will try not to worry over things that may never come to pass'. We can think about certain scenarios, but ultimately I'm not sure it's at all useful to dwell on ifs.

Thank you Lilka

You sound lovely OP. Not at all selfish, your prime concern seems to be the welfare of the child. I very much doubt a child born through DI would resent a mother that has so much to give them and is trying to think through the implications in the way you are. I have 3 children conceived through DI (although I do have a DH) and the question of them resenting me (and DH) has arisen for me too. I would strongly recommend joining (or at least looking through the website of) the Donor Conception Network. It has a lot of information on their about donor conception and there are lots of single women members who have decided to start their family via donor conception. They can maybe discuss the pros and cons of going it alone with you (several have also gone on to adopt later - if you long for a baby, it is sometimes easier to muscle up all the resilience that you need for adoption second time round when you have had the pregnancy thing). Best of luck x

Thank you I would definitely want to be a part of that - if I could do anything to make it easier for them I would of course.

zzzz I'm sorry if I offended you in any way but you did tell me what I meant when I didn't mean that!

How it is actually done isn't the key issue anyway - that can be decided on at a later date and obviously depends on a number of factors. The real issue is do I pursue adoption or have a child (through whatever treatment!) using donor sperm.

I'm inclined to the latter I think - so thank you for no posts saying how selfish I am and how i'd ruin any potential DCs life!

OP I sometimes feel selfish too, especially when DS asks questions about it (it starts much earlier than you think, 2.5 years old) but he is happy and loved and very much wanted. You sound lovely, go for it.

On the flip side, some fathers walk out and then that child feels abondoned.

On the flip side, some fathers walk out and then that child feels abondoned.