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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum to ask me before she comes round to do my garden?

141 replies

101handbags · 09/10/2014 09:44

My DP and I have recently moved into a new home. Both of us work long hours, neither of us have any interest in, or time to do, gardening. Clearly the previous owners felt the same way as the garden could do with a bit of tidying up/weeding etc. We are planning to get someone in next Spring to plant the garden out with greenery/shrubs etc. that look nice but don't need that much care. In the meantime my DP has just been mowing and strimming at weekends to keep on top of it. My mum, on the other hand, absolutely LOVES gardening and has been itching to get her hands on our garden. We kept telling her we are getting someone in to to the flowerbeds, planting etc. but last week DP & I agreed she could come round and do the weeding and tidying. I sent her a text: 'it's fine if you want to tidy up the garden, it is a bit of a mess... we are not going away til mid Nov so plenty of weekends to choose from'. We got home last night to find that mum had been round without asking/telling us, she had tidied up and weeded the front garden AND she has planted out the two flower beds with her choice of spring plants and flowers. I was absolutely livid yet my sister thinks I should be grateful - as far as I am concerned she might as well have painted the front door or something. If she'd asked me yesterday I would have said that's fine & to just do the weeding/tidying, but she said nothing and then proceeded to plant out the garden too. I wanted to choose what went in the beds. It's the first property I've owned and I think she went too far. So this is really both an IABU and also WWYD?

OP posts:
SASASI · 09/10/2014 22:56

Sounds like sthing my parents would do & I would be very grateful.
DH would see it as interfering though!
YABU

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2014 23:20

It's temporary.

The OP has no interest in it at present and is going to get it 'done' next year, so what her DM has done is only for the time being. She's weeded, tidied and planted till the OP gets the professionals in.

So shoot her.

sykadelic · 10/10/2014 00:43

I do understand why you're upset so for AIBU question, no I don't think you are.

BUT, as for your WWYD... I'd say "thanks mum, it looks great and gives me lots more ideas for when I get a pro in at Spring to do it all up for us. Did you want any of the plants back when they're pulled?"

Shockers · 10/10/2014 07:17

She did you a favour.

Now, as someone who presumably loves her, you could return the favour and make her feel good, rather than crap about it. Please don't ask her if she'd like them back when you get a 'pro' in and pull them up Sad.

I wish my mum did me favours...

2rebecca · 10/10/2014 07:36

I agree, mentioning pulling them up will upset her, plants die off all the time anyway. Just do what you want in the spring but have a nice tidy garden until then

Swingball · 10/10/2014 07:43

Why would you put spring bulbs and plants into a border which was going to be completely replanted in the spring? It makes no sense, the bulbs might not even have time to flower. DM does not think it is going to be temporary clearly. Spring bulbs go on flowering year after year.

The fact that she didn't ask you about the planting means either she genuinely didn't think you would care or she knew you would care but was going to do what she wanted anyway. You know your own mother. I do agree that people who can't see the potential problem here probably do not have controlling parents.

Any way, deep breaths and Brew OP

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 10/10/2014 07:58

I think this is another case of problems being caused by texting when a proper conversation should have been had instead. "'It's fine if you want to tidy up the garden" can be interpreted in any number of ways -- yes, "please come over TOMORROW and completely redo it" is towards one end of the possible spectrum of meanings, but it's within bounds.

Particularly if she has previous for this kind of thing, you need to talk to her and set out expectations very clearly, including the specific "don't"s.

batgirl1984 · 10/10/2014 08:05

If you think that this is going to be an ongoing problem, with your Mum treating your place as her own, it might be worth emphasising that it is also your DPs home. My parents are incredibly helpful (well, since I had kids) but my mum has a tendency to overstep. Referring to my husband (as in, ooh, dh thought this, oh yes her dad is doing that with her) stops her from thinking of the as soley mine, and therefore really hers!

Katiesfeltfancies · 10/10/2014 08:14

You are being unreasonable, my mum is like yours.... Helpful and kind and I love her for it x

Dancergirl · 10/10/2014 08:18

I was originally going to say YABU

But I think this is not about gardening. The OP is upset that her mum didn't listen and completely ignored her wishes. Yes she was doing the OP a favour by offering to do weeding and tidying but the OP specifically said she wanted to choose the flowers. So instead of respecting the OP's wishes, she did the gardening when the OP was out so she could do the planting as well. That's not on in my book and I would be upset. Not about the plants as such but the fact that my own mum had ignored me.

whatever5 · 10/10/2014 08:20

I doubt that the OP's mother thinks that what she has done is temporary if she has planted spring plants and flowers. When OP gets a gardener to remove the plants and redo the garden she will probably be offended.

Yes, she thinks she was doing OP a favour and I doubt that OP will let her know that she is less than happy. That doesn't mean that the OP should feel grateful rather than annoyed about the whole thing though. Some parents of adult children can't quite get the hang of the fact that their children have grown up and don't necessary want their input into how things should or shouldn't be done.

thegreylady · 10/10/2014 08:21

YABU I can just imagine her delight when you told her she could do it. You admit neither of you likes gardening and I agree you should be grateful.

thegreylady · 10/10/2014 08:24

I know you wanted to choose the flowers but has she planted perennials or just something for a bit of Autumn colour. If we parents of adults never ever did anything for them then both sides of the relationship would be poorer. I would never buy dd a bar of dark choc or a bottle of wine, I'd never offer a surprise childminding day etc.

Dancergirl · 10/10/2014 08:26

grey this is not about gardening. This is about the OP having a controlling mother.

Imagine if the tables were turned and it was YOU doing the helping out in a friend's garden. Even if it was agreed you would do a bit of weeding etc, I can't imagine any reasonable person would just plant out a flower bed without asking the friend what plants they would like first! That's just basic courtesy surely..?

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 10/10/2014 08:26

I understand about controlling parents, but the end result is better than before, and temporary. You are going to do what you want in the spring anyway, so she hasn't "won". It is just whether she takes this as an open invitation to do other stuff that you don't want...but if she has no key to the house you don't need to worry about that either.

Dancergirl · 10/10/2014 08:30

grey yes it's nice to do nice things for your dc but not something they don't like. If you knew your dd didn't like dark chocolate and you bought her some anyway because YOU like it, it's not much of a gift is it? This is what this is about.

Spadequeen · 10/10/2014 08:31

I know this is more about your controlling mum than the garden, but if it would help you out, can she come sort out my garden please as it's a mess! Thanks

Btw, would probably have annoyed me too!

Marylou2 · 10/10/2014 08:44

She doesn't have to ask if she wants to do my garden.She can have a key and I'll leave her chocolate biscuits and everything! Smile .

olgaga · 10/10/2014 08:50

What has she actually planted? Other than bulbs & shrubs or perhaps winter pansies there's not much to plant at this time of year.

Why not just ask her to talk through with you exactly what she's planted? That way you can establish what if anything you want to keep and what you're not keen on.

She can dig those up and put them in her new garden when she moves.

Bouttimeforwine · 10/10/2014 08:50

I haven't got parents who would do this but I can understand why you are upset. Yes it's nice to be helped out but it is only helpful if it is actually something you want to happen, otherwise it is not helpful- however well meaning.

I'm afraid that I feel that those who can't understand are a bit emotionally unintelligent.

LakeOfDreams · 10/10/2014 09:03

If you find your DM controlling I think the mistake you made was giving her permission to misinterpret what you wanted and take control. In the future don't ask for her help or give her permission to help you.
My mum often pops over when I'm not at home and plants flowers or clears the garden. If she pays for something that she plants I think it's only fair she gets to pick what it is. If I'm paying for the plants I get to pick. I wouldn't expect her to do the crappy jobs like weeding without doing nicer jobs like planting things.

diddl · 10/10/2014 09:09

Of course YANBU!

Planting what she wants just isn't on & tidying/weeding didn't give her the right to do so!

How can anyone think that "tidy up" means "Plant stuff"??!!

Original poster
101handbags · 10/10/2014 09:43

Ok, I talked to mum last night (well I tried to... you know how it goes with these types of mum... well some of you do..) and did say we are very grateful for her time and effort and it does look much tidier. I said please don't plant any more flowers anywhere without asking us first and she was fine with this and said she only did it 'because I was bored'. She then proceeded to tell me how long it had taken and how many bags of garden waste she had taken away and how she had met the neighbours and how they had let her use their outside tap and... and... If we had known she was coming round we could have unlocked our bin store and side gate giving her access to water & bins. There was no argument but she won't give an inch. When I said 'Why didn't you tell us you were coming round?' she replied 'Oh I didn't know myself until the morning'...er, but you can still tell me! She then started to discuss when she could clear the back garden and re-lay the stone path!! All the posters saying I am ungrateful after I ASKED my mum to do this...it's worth noting that I never ASK my mum to do anything. She practically begs to. As for buying her something to say thank you, rest assured I pay for many holidays and theatre trips, meals out etc. for mum so she is well looked after. Oh, and I forgot to mention that she begged to be allowed to do my pots a few weeks ago, so we bought pots and she did them beautifully and was well thanked and rewarded. I just didn't expect or want all the added extras in the garden - at least without being asked first. You've all given me plenty to think about re: my relationship with my DM so thank you. And the poster that said I am being precious about my first home - yes I bloody well am as I am certainly not a teenager or twenty something but have worked & saved long and hard for this. Thank you all again.

OP posts:
NotALondoner · 10/10/2014 10:24

I'm a bit late to the party but I feel compelled to say that would have driven me NUTS. But others are right, it is all down to the relationship you already have with your mother.

Meerka · 10/10/2014 10:39

It would have annoyed me too, quite a lot. I guess all you can do is say straight out that it's your first house and you'd kind of like to choose the flowers yoruself. It's perfectly reasonable! But do give her the clear communication that -you'd- like to choose the flowers.

Your posts hint that she tends to sneak in and take over in gardens so it can be done according to her ideas, not yours.

If she does this again after you've made your position clear, you're entitled to dig up her flowers and give them away. It's harsh, but going against your directly stated wishes in your own home is not on.

But do make it very clear that whatever is done from now on, is in your control. Can't expect her to second guess that you want it done yourself especiallyl if she's got gardening-tunnelvision

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