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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum to ask me before she comes round to do my garden?

141 replies

101handbags · 09/10/2014 09:44

My DP and I have recently moved into a new home. Both of us work long hours, neither of us have any interest in, or time to do, gardening. Clearly the previous owners felt the same way as the garden could do with a bit of tidying up/weeding etc. We are planning to get someone in next Spring to plant the garden out with greenery/shrubs etc. that look nice but don't need that much care. In the meantime my DP has just been mowing and strimming at weekends to keep on top of it. My mum, on the other hand, absolutely LOVES gardening and has been itching to get her hands on our garden. We kept telling her we are getting someone in to to the flowerbeds, planting etc. but last week DP & I agreed she could come round and do the weeding and tidying. I sent her a text: 'it's fine if you want to tidy up the garden, it is a bit of a mess... we are not going away til mid Nov so plenty of weekends to choose from'. We got home last night to find that mum had been round without asking/telling us, she had tidied up and weeded the front garden AND she has planted out the two flower beds with her choice of spring plants and flowers. I was absolutely livid yet my sister thinks I should be grateful - as far as I am concerned she might as well have painted the front door or something. If she'd asked me yesterday I would have said that's fine & to just do the weeding/tidying, but she said nothing and then proceeded to plant out the garden too. I wanted to choose what went in the beds. It's the first property I've owned and I think she went too far. So this is really both an IABU and also WWYD?

OP posts:
gotthemoononastick · 09/10/2014 12:58

Op ,no I mentioned gravel as a hint for people who have no interest in gardens.

Plants of any kind(green or not) need nurturing ,watering and clipping,so the gravel or bark chip option may be an idea.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/10/2014 13:04

Meh - I can completely understand why it's irritating but plants don't last forever especially with some help, and weird people do steal new plants from front gardens so I'd chalk it up and be clearer in your conversations in future.

4 things I personally think you should do.
Book an appointment with a gardener and get ideas and quotes from them.
Call a garden maintenance type, and find out what it will cost you to have someone come and "tidy up" on a quarterly basis if you just strim and cut the grass.

Say thank you to your mum. She has given up her time and spent money making your front garden look more presentable. If in hindsight you've gotten more than you wanted that's really your problem. She was trying to be nice. In short, get over it.

Tell her what you want to do with the garden long term - low maintenance, drought proof planting, weed membrane, more parking space, Japanese theme or whatever so that she has an idea of what you want to do. If she has planted something totally unsuitable, she then has an opportunity to relocate it so she hasn't wasted her money. You also have some come back if you come home some evening and find the garden is wall to wall marigolds or something that was on special offer in B&Q

pluCaChange · 09/10/2014 13:20

It's particularly important for people who don't like gardening to have a garden which doesn't need a lot of "gardening". Compare an expanse of grass (straight mowing, no need to stop, or stoop), hedges (again, straight clipping or strimming) with a flower bed (requiring time-consuming weeding).

QTPie · 09/10/2014 13:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Callani · 09/10/2014 13:51

YANBU - my DM did something similar when we moved into our first house. My parents came up on a Thursday night despite the fact that we were working Friday and by the time I got home on Friday night my Mum had decimated the lovely cherry blossom tree out front and torn down all the ivy and "weeded" out all the established border plants so the beds looked clean and neat.

It was horrible, she was convinced she'd done a wonderful thing by turning my lovely first house into a replica of her own and I just was so gutted about what she'd done and that she'd taken over yet again that I couldn't even pretend to be grateful.

Now things might be different in this case because I hadn't given my DM permission to change the garden at all but it's the same assumption that her choices are the right choices and overstepping boundaries.

BiddyPop · 09/10/2014 15:11

But NannyOgg and others, just because you were going to get in a professional and get them to do the work because you don't know about, doesn't mean that THEY decide what you will have - they will make suggestions based on what you tell them you'd like.

In this instance, despite having BEEN told that professionals were being brought in, the DM has gone and done it WITHOUT input from the owners of said garden. So the garden has not been planted as they wanted it but as the DM wanted it.

THAT is a big difference - bringing in someone to do as you ask when you don't have the necessary skills or knowledge, or someone coming in to take over the control.

I would be saying Thank You for doing it, but I'd still be livid if it happened to me. Not because I wasn't grateful for the clearing out (which OP had also mentioned she was going to get professionals to do), but because I was unhappy at not being able to choose what I want in my own place as a responsible adult and part of a grownup couple.

mateysmum · 09/10/2014 15:19

YABU and a teensy bit precious about your first home. I can understand that, but she really has done you a good turn. Grin, grit your teeth and say thank you and next time you agree to her coming round be more specific about the arrangements.

And yes, please send her round to Matey's Mansion if she wants a bit more garden to tend!

gentlehoney · 09/10/2014 15:23

My mother gave us all the "wrong" trees and plants. I was particularly annoyed about the pear tree that was a variety we don't even like. (I don't know what possessed her)

Now that she is gone I treasure every single horrible leaf.

rumbleinthrjungle · 09/10/2014 15:34

YANBU, you feel trampled on. Boundary issues. And there's probably backstory to that.

My sympathies, I have a similar, lovely DM who has never quite got hold of the idea I'm a separate person with a mind/body/home of my own and still feels that I'm an extension of her. She's very helpful, but still sometimes I have to grit my teeth because at some level actually she's disappeared into the garden to prune things/washed up/ reorganised the airing cupboard for her because that's how she likes things to be. When it's like that, your subconscious reaction isn't always a happy ahh, I feel loved.

drudgetrudy · 09/10/2014 15:58

I do understand that you feel as if your Mum is not respecting your boundaries-but I do think her intention was to help you and do something nice for you.
Please don't make her take the plants back or anything-she will be hurt out of proportion to what is warranted.
Just in future be very clear with her about what you would find helpful and what you would prefer her not to do.

Be careful not to cut your nose off to spite your face just in order to show her that you are a grown up now. A lot of people would appreciate more support from their Mums.
It just sounds as if she is a bit enmeshed with you and it is causing you to react like an adolescent.
Could she put some of her boundless energy and desire to help into voluntary work?

I do know all about overstepping the mark though. My Mum once tidied all the drawers in my bedroom when babysitting. I felt very uncomfortable with it and would much rather she had watched TV.

samsam123 · 09/10/2014 16:28

you said you have no interest in gardening yet get pissed that someone took he trouble to do it for you. YABU

FuckOffFerret · 09/10/2014 16:48

yanbu, you want easy care things and to pick your own stuff..

BestZebbie · 09/10/2014 16:55

I think that YANBU - if you had agreed that she would help tidy up your house and she then also repainted a bedroom in her choice of colour without asking it would be similar and I suspect people would be replying differently.

whatever5 · 09/10/2014 17:41

you said you have no interest in gardening yet get pissed that someone took he trouble to do it for you. YABU

I have no interest in decorating but would be pissed if my mother "took the trouble" to decorate my house in her choice of colours without asking. Would that be unreasonable too?

grannymcphee · 09/10/2014 18:07

She is your Mum and Mums help their children. Be grateful for heavens sake and buy her a bottle of wine to say Thank You! I also love gardening and help my daughters where I can, buy most of their bedding plants for them to plant themselves, but I do their baskets each year. They are very appreciative though!

pluCaChange · 09/10/2014 18:12

"a teensy bit precious about your first home."

What kind of thing is that to say?! I should bloody well hope people treasured their plans for their first house! The average age of a FTB in the UK is well into the 30s, so we're not talking about teenagers with horrible taste that they're bound to grow out of soon, but very likely adults who have lived in environments chosen/controlled by others for some years.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/10/2014 18:57

Aww your mum thought she was helping. Yes to be honest Y.A.B a bit U. However I do understand no-one likes people invading their space.
She can come around and do mine if she wants to, I don't know about it being as bad as a jungle it's worse than one

prettywhiteguitar · 09/10/2014 19:28

YANBU I have this kind of mother thankfully she lives 200 miles away.

If you don't have this kind of parent you don't know how annoying it is. She is duper controlling in a passive aggressive way, like yours would come knowing I wasn't there etc

My mother once rang the council tax on my behalf, without knowing anything about what was going on totally screwed my finances over, I was 21 and had a little moan about how annoying they were being.. Next thing I know she was negotiating without knowing what the story was ( she had never even been to my house and I lived in a commune with 9 other people )

I do not tell her anything and I don't let her do anything, give her an inch.....

pollypocket123 · 09/10/2014 19:39

Of all the things to get annoyed about....

BackforGood · 09/10/2014 19:47

YABVU

You said she could come round and do it.
You said you had no interest in it - so why are you now claiming that your Mum choosing some flowers is in some way overstepping the boundaries?

You really are being very ungrateful.

Often on MN, I think 'well, I wouldn't be offended/annoyed by it {whatever the subject is}, but I can understand some people might be a bit more touchy than me'. This is not one of those occasions though - this really isn't anything to get annoyed with anyone about.

PicandMinx · 09/10/2014 19:54

YANBU. Your DM does not respect your boundaries. You are not being ungrateful. I would dig everything up and give it back. Don't ever give her a key. She will change everything in your house.

Awks · 09/10/2014 19:58

I feel so sorry for your mum. As she was buying those plants I bet she was imagining your face as you approached the door and saw how lovely and cheerful and tidy your garden was. I bet she thought it would make you happy to have taken a chore from your shoulders.

You sound mean-spirited to me, soz.

HappyAmbler · 09/10/2014 20:13

YANBUnreasonable or ungrateful. Your mum probably thought she was doing a nice thing, so I agree with others that it would be nice to thank her. But she crossed a line. I would be upset too if my mum did this.

BareNecessitiesofLife · 09/10/2014 21:06

Yanbu! It's a bit sly of her to do it when you're out. It's the sort of 'helpful' (controlling) stuff my parents do all the time.

2rebecca · 09/10/2014 22:23

Doing a hanging basket for your children or buying their bedding plants is fine if they ask you to do that and like you doing it. I dislike bedding plants though and prefer perennials and enjoy choosing my own plants and find hanging baskets a faff so would ask you not to bother if you were my mum.
It's only doing someone a favour if you know they want what you plan to do. Otherwise if your plans involve doing stuff to someone else's property then back off and ask them first.

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