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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum to ask me before she comes round to do my garden?

141 replies

101handbags · 09/10/2014 09:44

My DP and I have recently moved into a new home. Both of us work long hours, neither of us have any interest in, or time to do, gardening. Clearly the previous owners felt the same way as the garden could do with a bit of tidying up/weeding etc. We are planning to get someone in next Spring to plant the garden out with greenery/shrubs etc. that look nice but don't need that much care. In the meantime my DP has just been mowing and strimming at weekends to keep on top of it. My mum, on the other hand, absolutely LOVES gardening and has been itching to get her hands on our garden. We kept telling her we are getting someone in to to the flowerbeds, planting etc. but last week DP & I agreed she could come round and do the weeding and tidying. I sent her a text: 'it's fine if you want to tidy up the garden, it is a bit of a mess... we are not going away til mid Nov so plenty of weekends to choose from'. We got home last night to find that mum had been round without asking/telling us, she had tidied up and weeded the front garden AND she has planted out the two flower beds with her choice of spring plants and flowers. I was absolutely livid yet my sister thinks I should be grateful - as far as I am concerned she might as well have painted the front door or something. If she'd asked me yesterday I would have said that's fine & to just do the weeding/tidying, but she said nothing and then proceeded to plant out the garden too. I wanted to choose what went in the beds. It's the first property I've owned and I think she went too far. So this is really both an IABU and also WWYD?

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 09/10/2014 10:06

I don't really get why you are bothered about her doing it when you weren't there. It's not like she had a key and let herself in to your home without your permission.

HSMMaCM · 09/10/2014 10:07

Just see what it looks like next spring/summer and decide how much you love/hate it.

Staywithme · 09/10/2014 10:07

Good grief OP! How very dare she do such a nice thing for you? Shock

I would be over the moon if someone did that for me. Sorry to busy feeling jealous to get indignant on your behalf. EnvyGrin

Original poster
101handbags · 09/10/2014 10:08

drudgetrudy - you have noooo idea. Far too much of a backstory to go into here Wink. She does indeed have previous with this kind of thing. Thank you for all your replies. I've not said anything to my mum yet but I assure you I will not be flying off the handle with her about this.

OP posts:
mawbroon · 09/10/2014 10:09

I agree with drudgetrudy that this might be about something else.

Many people would be delighted with this, but for whatever reason, you are not.

Your mum is not a mind reader. You can either stew away about it or talk to her.

snowmummy · 09/10/2014 10:09

YANBU she's overstepped the ark and has been intrusive.

NewEraNewMindset · 09/10/2014 10:10

This is surely a stealth boast lol

Someone coming round and caring for your garden so you don't have to? Surely not!!! How bloody DARE THEY!! Shock

mawbroon · 09/10/2014 10:10

Ah x post.

Madamecastafiore · 09/10/2014 10:11

Is love someone anyone to come and do my garden without us costing a bloody fortune!!

I'd love my mum to do it but she's been dead for 39 years.

Please appreciate what you have and her kind gesture, the plants may look beautiful in the spring, her having more experience and an interest probably means her choices are beautiful.

londonrach · 09/10/2014 10:12

Sorry snowmummy your typo made me laugh out loud due to my imagination....ark with a garden.. Grin

AngelsOnHigh · 09/10/2014 10:14

Wow! You have already said you have no interest in gardening.

I can just see your wonderful Mum thoroughly enjoying her time in the garden.

Hope she never finds out what a petulant child she has raised.

2rebecca · 09/10/2014 10:21

I would be annoyed as I think what to plant in your garden is an important long term choice. When we moved I got fed up with relatives foisting plants on me that weren't what i wanted in our very small garden. I ended up chucking some of them if I was unable to refuse them (they were spare plants from their gardens not plants they had bought for us)
I would thank her but tell her you would have preferred her just to tidy up and weed. Don't allow her to do this sort of thing again.
When you want to plan what goes in your garden just remove any of her plants that you don't want and plant your low maintenance shrubs. If she has dug it over you can probably plant them yourselves though and won't need to employ someone. If she asks why you'd removed them you just say that you hadn't asked her to plant anything and want to choose your plants..

Cuppachaplz · 09/10/2014 10:22

If you weren't going yo do anything until next year, which you still can do, what is the difference?

Are there no more beds, if not get ye on free cycle and find a few pots / tubs to plant with things of your choice too.
Ask dm what she has planted 'in order to coordinate'; it's just possible your tastes match. My mothers and mine often did.

Oh, and post her on to me before the frost hits will you? My beds need weeding, and I thoroughly object to the price of seeds and bulbs!

The best birthday present I ever had from my mam when she was alive was a surprise visit upon which she dug out, built and fence to dog-proof, weeded and planted out an area at the back of our garden. She had planted it with veg as we were skint at the time. I have never been more great flu for anything, and when I want advice about my garden now, I am always halfway through dialling her before I remember she us no longer here. Just saying. X

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 09/10/2014 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allypally999 · 09/10/2014 10:25

YANBU imho as I know exactly how you feel

My mother came round and sorted all my stuff out when I moved into a flat whilst I was at work (furniture and clothes) ... I was mad cos I wanted to do it myself but had to pretend to be pleased and grateful which I was NOT

My mum also has no boundaries

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 09/10/2014 10:28

I think your Mum sounds lovely! Send her round to me.

2rebecca · 09/10/2014 10:31

If you want a low maintenance garden i wouldn't get pots, they are more work than flower beds. I would just chuck out the plants you don't want. If she did it all in one day that can't be too difficult. At least it is tidy now and you can plan what you want long term and not have to do it in a rush.
If someone had planted out my garden as a surprise I would have been really upset and agree with the person who said it's like choosing how to decorate someone else's house. Even if you don't want to do the decorating yourself you still want to choose the paint and wallpaper.

sunbathe · 09/10/2014 10:35

YANBU, it's all about boundaries. Some people will never understand that.

My mil came round while we were on holiday and 'tidied' my garden. She weeded it, yes, but also 'weeded out' my new young plants and strimmed down the rest.

She also washed a load of clothes and wrecked some expensive ones.

I cried and they've never had a key since.

Original poster
101handbags · 09/10/2014 10:35

DesperatelySeekingSanity and allypally999 - that IS how I feel. I was happy for her to tidy up at weekends, not plant out what she wanted in the week when I wasn't there. You know, I would have been happy for her to tidy up yesterday if she'd asked me if she could go round. I suppose I would never, ever do anything to anyone else's propert without asking first. My mum is the kind of woman who cannot sit still for 5 minutes and looks upon any time spent doing nothing as incredibly self indulgent - even reading, watching TV, anything. She believes that life is all about 'duty' and has told me so herself. Time spent doing anything for other people is the only time well spent. Once again, thank you for all your comments. I am half expecting the front door to be painted when I get home... in her choice of colour, of course!

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 09/10/2014 10:37

Thought there would be more to it.
On the surface it looks like a lovely thing to do and it sounds as if YABU, but she's interfering a lot isn't she?
This makes you unreasonable when she does do something nice.
Think about your boundaries now.

No need to be rude-just learn to say No, thank-you and be clear with her.
As you said she could do the garden I would just say thank you,its lovely this time but next time you are uncomfortable with something be clear.

Avoid getting into adolescent type power struggles with her-be polite and adult-adult.
My Mum was like this and with hindsight I let her take over too much.

YackityYakYak · 09/10/2014 10:37

Oh, I get the 'going over the top' thing.

My DM is a bit of a control freak, actually, a LOT of a control freak. I learned VERY early on to put firm boundaries in place (cue lots of fussing and arguments!). My DSises on the other hand, still get trampled on and get all upset about it, whereas my DM and I have a good relationship because I won't budget an INCH, if I did she'd take a bloody mile and run with it.

So I get it, and YANBU.

Time to firm up those boundaries.

'Mum, I know you mean well, but you KNOW that I want to do my own thing with the garden. Please don't do this again. If you want your plants back you had better come and put them back into pots and use them where you want them in YOUR garden. They're not the ones I want in my garden and I will be removing them on X date.'

Sweetpea01 · 09/10/2014 10:37

My mum does my gardenining for me Grin

I don't mind and it is nice not to have to think about it. However whilst I admittedly cash in on this one aspect, my mum is actually a person that likes to take control over a number of things. Which is very grating tbh.
And I damn well be grateful lest I face her wrath.

Is your mum similar OP?

Rivercam · 09/10/2014 10:44

I can understand why you are annoyed. She should have discussed with you what you wanted weeding and tidying, and when. Maybe she thought it would be a nice surprise for you to have the borders planted up.

Maybe, thank her for doing it, bit add you were planning a different planting scheme for the border, so next time you'd like to do it. ( or do it together)

Swingball · 09/10/2014 10:55

My dad used to do stuff like this and I found it incredibly annoying. He came round when I was out and put a hanging basket up by my back door without asking me and then had a strop when I said I didn't like it.

I found it annoying because there was a whole heap of other stuff which was about lack of respect for my space and boundaries, so I think YANBU.

whatever5 · 09/10/2014 10:56

I can understand why you are annoyed and I think that those who think you're unreasonable have no idea what it is like to have a parent who just takes over because they think that they know best and therefore don't need to consult you. Although it would have been very nice of her to weed and tidy up it was unreasonable to do more than that without consulting you first.
My father did something similar with my new house when I was on holiday many years ago. I thanked him but then employed someone to redo things as I wanted them. He kept going on about it, implying that we were ungrateful and hadn't appreciated his efforts until DH said that of course we were very grateful and next time he was on holiday we would return the favour. He hasn't interfered since...