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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think it's weird for a 25 year old to still be a virgin?

96 replies

thisissobloodyawkward · 07/10/2014 21:06

Just that really.

I have also name changed as I am so Blush.

But that's basically me right now. I'm 25 and have never had sex. Sometimes I'm okay with it and other times like right now I just feel so pathetic and childish because of it.

I do want to have sex but I'm the kind of person who couldn't have sex with someone just for the sake of it or with someone who I don't love (god that sounds so corny!). And unfortunately for me I haven't met that person yet. I have had relationships but I just couldn't imagine having sex with them - it just wasn't right for me at that time.

I know society views older virgins as being weird and odd and there is no way I could ever admit this to anyone in real life.

So am I weird?

OP posts:
CoolCat2014 · 07/10/2014 22:36

Not wired. Wait till you've met the right person, no problem with that.

Sicaq · 07/10/2014 22:45

I was older than you; I didn't tell the guy it was My First Time, it didn't hurt a bit and he was none the wiser Smile

As other posters have said, it's not that unusual.

grimbletart · 07/10/2014 22:46

Not odd at all. A few decades ago it would be thought much odder to go from man to man having casual sex without any real intimacy or affection.

'Tis all about fashion.

LittleBairn · 07/10/2014 22:47

No I wouldn't think its weird, I waited and was older than all my peers when I did loose my virginity and have never regretted it.

vdbfamily · 07/10/2014 22:53

I personally think this world is very preoccupied with sex.It is not the be all and end all and lots of people lead very happy normal lives without being sexually active. If you feel you have a low sex drive then there is no reason to have sex for the sake of it. If one day you fall in love with someone,then being close to them is a natural thing. I have only ever made love to my husband.We married when I was 33. I did not feel like a wierdo.I thought I might actually be celibate forever as was not going to have sex with someone not committed to the relationship long term. This thought did not worry me, it was my choice. You need to accept who you are and do not be pressurised into being what Hollywood portrays as normal life.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2014 23:20

Actually, whether or not you ever have sex, you are far more likely to make yourself miserable if you obsess about The One. There is no such thing. This is pernicious bullshit. Believing in The One keeps some people in seriously toxic relationships and makes others leave perfectly acceptable partners because they have taken a fancy to someone else.
There are probably up to several thousand people who would make a good partner for you, with all your particular aspects; your taste in music, your religious or philosophical or political beliefs, your aspirations, your fears, your preference as to where and how to live, etc. You are likely to encounter a few of them unless you live a very narrow, sheltered life: whether you proceed to date, or proceed beyond dating, with anyone, is up to you.

You don't mention ever having had any kind of sexual feeling (and you don't have to answer this if you had rather not, but do think about it) - it is possible that you really have little or no libido. If you have never masturbated, or kissed anyone, or even thought about kissing someone with any anticipation or pleasure, then you may be one of those people who just has no interest in sex or romance. It's fine to be such a person. Romance and sex are not compulsory.

Bulbasaur · 07/10/2014 23:24

I know it doesn't seem like it. But... It's just sex.

It's not the creme de la creme that media makes it out to be.

It's amazing with the right person. But unless your heart is into it, you'll be disappointed with your first time.

The most important thing about having sex is that you're emotionally bonded to the person you're having sex with. Otherwise, it's just a clunky dildo you can't control. Wink

cruikshank · 07/10/2014 23:29

I don't think you have to be 'emotionally bonded' (whatever the fuck that means) - you just have to want to have sex with them. And that is pretty much it.

Reasons for wanting to have sex would include fancying someone, liking someone, being in love with someone, thinking someone's interesting, thinking someone might know a few good bedroom moves, feeling a bit horny and they're the best bet for a good shag, feeling a bit PMT-y, wondering what someone's like in bed etc etc etc but the most important thing is that you want to do it, for whatever reason you damn well please.

Original poster
thisissobloodyawkward · 07/10/2014 23:30

Yes I've kissed people before and have masturbated. I have also done other stuff however I've never felt comfortable to go all the way, so to speak. I am scared because I know it will probably hurt...but I feel like the longer I wait the worse it's going to get...yet I still don't feel comfortable with the thought of having sex.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 07/10/2014 23:38

Op, my Dh and i waited until we were married. We were 24 and 27, both virgins. We have great sex life and have no regrets.

I was super nervous the first time. Couldn't even look at it. We had a shower together, bit of cuddling etc then away we went. It did hurt, but my dh cared enough to take his time and be patient. I'm glad it was him and not some random bloke who might not have cared enough.

The right one will come along and it won't matter at all. Don't panic, just ensure you are comfortable in your own skin and looking for Mr Right!

xalyssx · 07/10/2014 23:53

My first proper boyfriend was 25 and a virgin. My current partner was 27 when he met me, and he was a virgin at the time. They both had had other things to worry about, and it didn't matter at all. In fact, in some ways it was nice to not be compared to previous partners!
Also, I was one of the last people in my circle of friends to lose my virginity, because I was nervous of the pain; but when I finally chose to have sex, it was well worth the wait and the discomfort.

BackforGood · 08/10/2014 00:08

Not weird at all, and probably a lot more usual than some people would have you believe.

DuelingFanjo · 08/10/2014 00:18

I was still a virgin at 25.

To be honest, I wish I had been a bit more experimental but I was like you and didn't want to have sex with just amyone.

I have only had sex with two people.

I plan to shag my way through the old people's home.

LeftRightCentre · 08/10/2014 00:31

It won't hurt if you're drunk or stoned enough.

sunflower49 · 08/10/2014 00:43

Nope.

I wish I had have waited (I was 16 and with a long-term boyfriend nothing 'bad'). Nowadays I feel sex is important and a much bigger deal than I did back then.

Everybody is different. We do things differently to one another, and that's fine. Be happy with who you are, you made the decision to wait for reasons good to you, screw anybody who thinks negatively of you for it.

MrsMook · 08/10/2014 00:47

DH was my first at 20. I wasn't his first, he was in his 20s (age gap). I think it's a lot more common than is generally admitted. A lot of my friends at uni were still virgins at 18.

It wouldn't surprise me if my ILs were in their 30s as that was when they met, and I'd be more surprised if they'd had experience before.

I like the fact we have minimal baggage. Our risk of STIs is low. I hadn't had much libido before, it seems to be suppressed by hormonal contraception which I use to manage periods. It's surprised me the difference when I'm TTC and ovulating.

DH has turned out to be a sensible choice. It was the right time. Right opportunity. I felt ready. I was hung up as DM was in her teens. I didn't want to

MrsMook · 08/10/2014 00:48

D'oh!
I didn't want to risk a pregnancy until I was old enough to manage the consequences, and was aware that it was possible to get caught out.

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 02:09

I am scared because I know it will probably hurt...but I feel like the longer I wait the worse it's going to get...yet I still don't feel comfortable with the thought of having sex

I think there is more going on here than just not having met someone you want to have sex with and I think that is something you need to be honest with yourself about and talk to someone about it.

The first time is uncomfortable, mostly because you are nervous/unsure and because of that, tense & not well lubricated either. If the other person is gentle, it doesn't 'hurt' and you can stop and try again later/another time. However, it's usually 'nice' as well as 'uncomfortable' and it's fine. The first time I remember thinking 'Shit, is that what all the fuss is about??' - but it got better quickly and better still with different people.

sunflower49 · 08/10/2014 02:17

I don't remember it hurting just feeling weird(well it WAS weird, I'd never had a penis in my vagina before)!

It might hurt it might not. But I agree, tell him. And if he's not the sort to be understanding and embracing about it, then perhaps he isn't for you.

redexpat · 08/10/2014 07:36

I would say not statistically normal, but I wouldnt say weird. Some people just dont meet anyone, and that's no ones fault, it's just one of those things.

Delphine31 · 08/10/2014 07:39

I was worried about it being painful too. We used loads of a good quality lube (KY jelly really is not the best there is) which helped a lot. At first it was painful and we worked out that the angle wasn't right for me. It took a bit of experimenting to find a position that worked and was comfortable but then we were away and it was very quickly enjoyable!

I do understand how you feel as you and I were pretty much in the same boat. It's really not as big a deal as you think it is.

Groovee · 08/10/2014 07:42

I don't think it's weird or strange and think the fact that you haven't just jumped into bed with any guy is a good thing. Anyone who has to be rude about it, needs to look at themselves.

foreverton · 08/10/2014 08:39

Hi op, my dp dropped a bombshell a few weeks ago and told me that he was a virgin when he met me, he would have been almost 30.
I lost my virginity at 17 but don't feel any differently after he told me.

I would never have guessed, he'd had relationships before and has never been shy in that department shall we say!

I don't find it weird at all, once you meet the right person you will know.
Until then, please don't label yourself as anything, there are more people out there in your boat than you realise:)

Bouttimeforwine · 08/10/2014 09:22

I just think you haven't met anyone you fancy enough. When it's the right person you won't be able to keep your hands off him.

MrsCosmopilite · 08/10/2014 09:28

I don't remember it hurting either. And when DH and I DTD, it was a new experience for both of us.

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