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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you think it's weird for a 25 year old to still be a virgin?

96 replies

thisissobloodyawkward · 07/10/2014 21:06

Just that really.

I have also name changed as I am so Blush.

But that's basically me right now. I'm 25 and have never had sex. Sometimes I'm okay with it and other times like right now I just feel so pathetic and childish because of it.

I do want to have sex but I'm the kind of person who couldn't have sex with someone just for the sake of it or with someone who I don't love (god that sounds so corny!). And unfortunately for me I haven't met that person yet. I have had relationships but I just couldn't imagine having sex with them - it just wasn't right for me at that time.

I know society views older virgins as being weird and odd and there is no way I could ever admit this to anyone in real life.

So am I weird?

OP posts:
RobinSparkles · 07/10/2014 21:19

^Today 21:16 Anotherchapter

I don't think your weird but I hate the word virgin.^

What shall we use then? Hasn't given her flower? Popped her cherry? Grin

DogsinBoots · 07/10/2014 21:19

I know people who are in their 40s and never had six. It's really not as unusual as you might think.
It looks like the whole of humanity are merrily shagging away all the time, but it's not how it really is.

DiaDuit · 07/10/2014 21:21

I dont think its weird for anyone of any age to be a virgin. Sex isnt compulsory and isnt something that has a deadline.

Have sex or dont have sex but do it according to your own terms and not what anyone else thinks you should be doing.

You are certainly not weird. Dont be embarrassed.

LadyLuck10 · 07/10/2014 21:21

Yanbu, it's very admirable and sensible. Too many people are just sleeping around, kids all over the place, divorces etc. More people should be like you op.

MrsCobbit · 07/10/2014 21:25

Yes

pussinwellyboots · 07/10/2014 21:25

Not odd and definitely worth waiting for the right person. DH and I married when he was 34 and I was 28. We waited until we were married to have sex and neither of us had dated anyone else until we met, 18 months earlier. We have no regrets.

Fatmanbuttsam · 07/10/2014 21:28

YANBU...to ask but most definitely are BU to think you are weird...when the time is right you will meet the right person for you...and they will wait until the right time arrives (you'll probably have to tell them it's the right time) and they will most likely be utterly terrified but so head-over-heels in love with you that it will be the most amazing moment in time ever.....and then it will probably get even better....

ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/10/2014 21:30

My partner was a virgin until last year when we first had sex and he was 33. In fact he had never even kissed anyone. I won't lie, I thought it was a little unusual because everyone I have ever met has lost their virginity before the age of 20 (or so they say Wink) but I didn't think any the less of him. Wait for the right person OP.

CadmiumRed · 07/10/2014 21:31

Unusual, as in not in the majority, but that doesn't make you weird!

And it's not pathetic and childish either.

If it is a pro-active choice it is a healthy choice, a strong choice.

For people where it is a situation caused by fear of religious consequences or moral approbation, or feeling ashamed of your body, or because it brings back unpleasant associations then it is a less happy and healthy choice.

But you give no suggestion of any of that.

Enjoy it when the right moment arrives!

MrsGromit · 07/10/2014 21:32

No, not weird at all.

thisissobloodyawkward · 07/10/2014 21:32

It's not just a case of not meeting the right person yet but I just don't think I have a high sex drive in general, hence why I could never have sex with someone unless it's truly the right moment. A couple of years ago I even wondered whether I was asexual as I just had zero desire to have sex ever and I wasn't sexually attracted to anyone.

I could never admit this to anyone in real life. Nobody actually knows I've never had sex.

OP posts:
seasavage · 07/10/2014 21:34

I dated a 48 yr old virgin. He wasn't for me but that was nothing to do with his virginity. One of my friends was quite obssessed with this information (basically she thought it was a lie) but the others were not particularly bothered. I worry he wont meet Ms right, but he's happy enough / has spent a lot of his adult life very career focused. It's not like you could pick a virgin out by some secret sign Smile

Delphiniumsblue · 07/10/2014 21:35

I think it is very common, people just don't generally talk about it, or admit it. You just haven't met the right person yet.

CadmiumRed · 07/10/2014 21:35

Do you know what a sexy feeling is, OP?

Buy some KY and masturbate regularly, see if you enjoy the feeling and if it boosts your sex drive at all.

Often, the more you do it, the more you want it.

WhiskeyTangoAlphaFoxtrot · 07/10/2014 21:36

unusual but not 'weird'. I think it shows that you don't do crazy things. You respect yourself clearly but maybe (???) it also shows that you're not a big risk taker. Does that matter? does any of it matter? I aint no virgin but I
have felt pressure to lose my singleness and it drives me mad. I'm happy but my singleness (which is fairly long term despite two very short relationships) goes on and on and on and I'm at peace with it but other people around me see it as 'sad for me'. I'm not sure it is {head tilt} sad for me.

I also hate the word virgin. I feel it divides women, in to 'pure' and unpure, or something like that. I wouldn't go round labelling yourself. You haven't happened to have had sex yet. The V word is a bit Hmm

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2014 21:39

First of all: your body, your choices. You don't have to have sex to prove anything, or to fit in, or because someone else wants you to.

However, getting very hung up on the concept of virginity is not healthy. Not wanting to have sex does not in any way make you morally superior or a more valuable person than people who have had sex, or had lots of sex, or lots of different sexual partners. I think, if you are dating, or if you start dating, it would not be a very good idea to tell your dates that you have had no sexual experience until you are sure that the date is a reasonably nice person.. Some of the people who will find a sexually inexperienced adult a more desirable partner than an experienced one are seriously not nice. They are likely to have conflicted ideas about sexuality, ignorant views about women, or they may decide to 'seduce' you because having sex with you will be a challenge to their egos.

cruikshank · 07/10/2014 21:43

I think it's a big old world out there full of billions of people, each of whom have their own attitudes to sex, what they like, what they dislike, what turns them on, when they want to do it, how, with whom etc etc and as such with all of these permutations I think very few (with the exception of people who commit criminal sexual acts) could really be classed as 'weird'. Do, or don't do, what you feel comfortable with - it's all good. As others have said though, if you don't feel comfortable with not having had sex, perhaps a little gentle mental examination of this might help you.

Btw some of the comments on here about 'sleeping around' and not 'squandering' (wtf?) your 'first time' are a little Old Testament, I think.

thisissobloodyawkward · 07/10/2014 21:52

I have to admit I do worry about what's going to happen when I decide to have sex. Am I supposed to tell him about my lack of experience or just go for it? Will he even be able to tell Blush?

I would feel silly telling him that I've never had sex even though I know he won't care if he really is the one (god back to corny lines again! Blush)

OP posts:
Delphine31 · 07/10/2014 21:57

If you're weird, I'm really weird because I was a few years older than you when I first had sex. But I'm not weird, and neither are you.

I think it's important to not see it as an all or nothing thing. Before I first had sex I had, during my 20s, experienced various other 'bases' so it wasn't all completely new to me.

I'd had boyfriends but, like you, never felt a huge desire to sleep with them. I had a turning point when I came off the pill, which I'd been on since I was 14 for poly-cystic ovaries. It would seem that the pill had been meddling with my libido all along and when I stopped taking it, things changed quite dramatically!

It was always important to me for my first time (also hate the 'v' word!) to be with someone I felt comfortable with and had strong feelings for. As it turns out our relationship didn't last, but I don't regret at all having slept with him. It's all good practice (and fun, once you're over that first hurdle!)!

Don't torment yourself over this... it'll happen all in good time.

Delphine31 · 07/10/2014 22:04

I think it's important to tell him so that he knows to be considerate of the fact that it's a new experience for you.

There are plenty of ways of expressing it without saying 'I'm a virgin'...

My phrase of choice was something along the lines of 'My bedroom experience is somewhat limited'. The right guy won't be phased, and will likely find it a turn on, especially if you plant the idea that they get to teach you stuff and what great fun that'll be...

Salmotrutta · 07/10/2014 22:07

KooINoor - I don't know if it helps but there are a lot of lonely people out there who are sexually active/experienced.

It's about meeting the person who is "right" for you.

That's not always easy to do and I'm hearing about more and more people I know using Internet dating sites actually.

MrsPiggie · 07/10/2014 22:08

Nah, not weird. Slightly unusual, but not weird. Shagging everything in sight is weird, although not that unusual.

Pandora37 · 07/10/2014 22:15

I didn't lose my virginity until I was in my mid 20s. The main reason was because I knew it was something that was likely to be painful, or uncomfortable at best, and I wanted to be with someone I could really trust and genuinely cared for me. Now the actual act, whilst it hurt like a bitch, was very nice, my partner at the time told me he loved me, it was all very romantic etc. So yeah, I had the best experience I could have had really so in that sense I don't regret waiting. In another sense, I wish I'd done it earlier. I used to only think that I could have sex with someone I loved but I didn't love the guy I lost my virginity to (I cared about him a lot and I was at the beginning of the falling in love stage but I wouldn't say I loved him at the time. I did very soon after though). After having sex a few times I changed my mind and thought actually I could easily do this with someone I don't love, or even care about.

I think older virgins can sometimes get very caught up in it having to be the "right" person and the "right" time. But how will you know it's "right?" The guy I slept with, I was convinced was the right person, would never hurt me etc. yet he turned out to be a really nasty arsehole several months down the line. I don't regret losing my virginity to him because with the knowledge I had at the time I trusted him and as I said, it was a lovely experience. But I just wanted to point out, as these kind of posts often attract lots of happily ever after we got married stories, that unfortunately it doesn't always turn out that way. I don't mean to be negative but I think sometimes we can over think these things and get too caught up in a fairytale that won't happen. I actually made a snap decision one night that I didn't want to be a virgin any more - I'd had ENOUGH so we had sex. People will tell you it shouldn't matter, and of course it shouldn't, but honestly to me being a virgin felt like a burden and I wanted it done, I trusted the guy I was with to be gentle so why not? And he loved me, or so he claims, which was the icing on the cake. And as nice and romantic an experience it was, I did end up thinking afterwards, is that it? Why the hell did I wait so long, it's really not a big deal. Easy for me to think that though when I was with a loving boyfriend and I hadn't been in that kind of relationship before.

Anyway, my point is don't put yourself under pressure but equally don't think everything has to be perfect. If you trust the person and you have feelings for them, then that is a much better start to sex than a lot of people. I do wish I'd lost my virginity when I was younger but life doesn't always work out how we'd like. Don't beat yourself up too much, 25 is by no means ancient to be a virgin. Please do tell whoever you end up with that you're a virgin though, it will make it a much better experience for you. SolidGoldBrass is right though, my ex's reaction to me telling him I was a virgin was that it made him want me more. How peculiar I thought, especially as he was fairly experienced. He said it meant he knew I wasn't a slut unlike his ex who'd slept with 50 men. Well there was a massive red flag! Never mind. He did also say it made him feel special that I'd chosen him when I could have had sex with other men which I suppose is quite sweet. It's a shame he turned out to be such a creep because it did ruin my lovely virginity memories but honestly I don't think about that night much so it's just one of those things. I'm far more traumatised about the aftermath of that relationship than losing my virginity to him, if that makes sense. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, make sure you're in a situation that you're comfortable with but if it doesn't turn out to be the experience you'd hoped then it's not the end of the world. :)

Pandora37 · 07/10/2014 22:24

Okay, just seen your last post. Please don't think in terms of the one as I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment there. If he is, then great. If he isn't, you still got to experience sex in a caring relationship.

YOU MUST TELL HIM. Seriously, please please please don't lie. It is embarrassing I know. It will be far more embarrassing if you bleed or it's really painful and you have to explain to them why. He will likely freak out or be upset that you've in effect lied to him. Now that really would be an awful experience. Losing my virginity really hurt. I'm not saying that to scare you but he needs to know so that he can be gentle with you and take things slower. I'm a massive coward so I told my ex by text that I was a virgin. I said that I did have some sexual experience but I'd never had penetrative sex. He then texted me back saying he hadn't got all of my message and could I send it again. I was on the verge of throwing myself out of the window at this point. I sent it again, I had virtually no nails left, felt like I was going to throw up, was having palpitations....you know what his response (other than the yay, you're not like my ex who was a slut)? Okay, that's no big deal. I got myself all worked up for nothing. You'll be fine. :)

BellaVida · 07/10/2014 22:28

Perfectly normal. I waited until I was in love and he is now my DH. Different people view that level of intimacy differently. You will know when it feels right for you. It's such a personal thing, only you get to decide who and when.