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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Im not benefit bashing but AIBU to think this is a bloody joke??

122 replies

Candyflosshair · 07/10/2014 10:46

NC for this. My sister is 29, she is living with my mum, pays no bills, rent, food or anything and is currently pregnant. She gets £60 pw in JSA (soon to be IS) and the baby's dad has a high paying job, although they don't live together/ aren't together.
She has recently been given a £500 grant from the government as she is on benefits and pregnant. Today she has told me her grants come through and she's on her way to buy an iPhone 6 with this money plus the extra JSA she doesn't use/need.
I no it is more a moral situation but I can't see woman queuing up to reject £500 for nothing..
AIBU to think this is a joke

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 07/10/2014 11:14

They can't look into any further tho. They've got no legal or moral right to investigate your mum's finances, and whether she is spending money on her grandchild.

Momagain1 · 07/10/2014 11:17

There's the real problem, she is the spoiled golden daughter who gets away with stuff. It's not surprising she has done this at all.

Does it help that we do appreciate you manage on your own?

You deserve Brew Cake!

ChippingInLatteLover · 07/10/2014 11:19

I don't think it's benefit bashing when you can see the person you are talking about doesn't need it one bit. Especially when that person is your sister and your Mum is spoiling her rotten, yet when you were in that position she didn't help you one bit.

I think it's your Mum you should be fucked off with candy :(

CockLovingWhore · 07/10/2014 11:21

Just to put in my twopenneth

My £500 Maternity Grant paid for my laptop. I decided that I would otherwise fritter it away on "stuff" as I found that the £112.50 a week Maternity Allowance was generous to live on.

7 years on, the laptop is now on its last legs (held together with electrical tape) but it was a brilliant investment.

I spent a fortune with my (aforementioned generous) Maternity Allowance and my DS did not go without at all because of my splurge.

Perhaps once your sister has "treated herself" and feels a bit more human, she can concentrate on nesting and buying things for her baby. Unless you, yourself have been pregnant as a single parent, you're not really in the right place to judge what your sister does to make the best of this situation.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 07/10/2014 11:22

HeeHiles Flowers Sorry to hear this happened to you. How are things now?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 07/10/2014 11:24

OP just read your mum didn't help you, that's not nice.

LeftRightCentre · 07/10/2014 11:29

Is anyone counting how many of these benefits threads are popping up?

CockLovingWhore · 07/10/2014 11:33

Candy Sorry - I didn't see your update post.

I really feel for you. My mum is just like this. She'll not help me (the independent, dependable, generous daughter) but will bend over backwards for my little sister.

Now that I'm older I can see that the baby that she lost inbetween us really affected her. When my sister was growing up, she could do no wrong and was given so much love and affection and our lives have been so unequal.

Now that we're adults, my little sister tells me that I "try to hard" with mum - I suppose because she never has to try at all - mum's always faffing about around her.

HeeHiles · 07/10/2014 11:36

Hi Freakin Thanks for asking, it's hard - the hardest part was when my DD's did something amazing I would burst in to tears as my DP wasn't there to see it - but I had to toughen up and get on with supporting my girls - so yes girls do brilliantly at school, happy and warm and well fed - we have a nice home and I run my own business now - and it's so much easier now they are older Smile

Kewcumber · 07/10/2014 11:37

they should check more into it

They can't it would probably cost more than the amount they'd save. And they have no entitlement to investigate your mum and even if they could they can't compel your mum to support and adult daughter. Adults are supposed to be self sufficient.

What if it had been available to you and they said "Sorry you can;t have it because your mum is too well off" would that be fairer?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 07/10/2014 11:41

Is anyone counting how many of these benefits threads are popping up?

Ran out of fingers Grin

Seriously though, I think this is a case of over-pampered daughter and not a big lot to do with the grant. Bit meh really.

Babyroobs · 07/10/2014 11:45

I see a lot of 'single' young mums continuing to live at home with parents and claim lone parent benefits whilst having a partner (baby's dad) living round the corner with his parents. I understand it's hard when rents/ mortgages are so high but I really think there needs to be some system whereby those working dads have to cough up and pay for their kids properly rather than the state doing so. Money should be deducted from their wages at source and claimed back from lone parent benefits .

CockLovingWhore · 07/10/2014 11:50

Babyroobs - you'd find that a lot of men would rather stop working and rely themselves on benefits than support their children in the way that you suggest.

mummymeister · 07/10/2014 11:51

this could easily be overcome by giving the benefit as vouchers to spend against baby items / equipment. not in a specific shop or on a specific thing but not as cash either. oh, right, forgot myself for a minute there. everyone on MN hates the idea of vouchers because they stigmatise. I have no problem with benefits at all. what I want to see is a system that gives much much more to those that actually need it and sod all to people who spend it on a iphone .

lacksdirection · 07/10/2014 12:03

Babyroobs Attempting to enforce fathers to pay via the CSA and deducting the amount the mother had been awarded (less £20) has been tried before.

It failed spectacularly for many many single parents who were driven into abject poverty by the failures of the system.

Maintenance payments are only beneficial to those who actually receive them rather than the parents who are supposed to receive them but don't.

However, I still struggle to understand why JSA or IS is so low when the recipient is living independently.
JSA and IS rates are primarily based on the age of the claimant rather than whether they live independently or not, so a 26 year old person on JSA who lives independently is awarded exactly the same amount as a 26 year old person on JSA who lives with their parents.
I also still struggle to understand how anyone can pay bills, feed themselves and pay for travel, clothes, shoes and Internet access/phone bill on 72.40 a week.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2014 12:13

How on earth can they 'look more into it'? Confused

That would probably cost more than the amount of money they'd save.

whois · 07/10/2014 13:13

Your mum is a fool for enabling her daughter like that.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 07/10/2014 13:29

Ok. Fuel allowance for pensioners, anyone? Not means tested. The Queen is entitled to one.

Either everything should be means tested or you take the chance people who are not in genuine need also benefit from it.

I'd bet there a fuckload more wealthy pensioners getting fuel allowance who don't need it, than there are pregnant people on benefits claiming this grant who don't need it.

Getting tired of these threads.

ChildrenOfTheDamned · 07/10/2014 13:34

I got the same grant 11 years ago when I was pregnant with dd1. (It was the same amount of £500 back in 2003 so hasn't gone up at all). DH was working full time although we were getting tax credits and I was a SAHM to DSD. By the time we bought a pram and a cot there was about £20 left, which I think we completely frivolously blew on a pizza.

The problem is your sister spending the money on an iphone 6 not the grant itself. There will be people who genuinely need that money to buy things for the baby (as did we at the time we were skint).

mummymeister · 07/10/2014 14:21

YesIdidmean - why shouldn't benefits be means tested including the fuel allowance, bus passes and anything else. I would sooner see means testing on all benefits so that the people who really need the winter fuel allowance get 10X what they get now and that people who really need the help before the birth of a baby get much more than a one off payment of £500. this idea of "give a little to everyone" is pants and will never lead to significant change.

Kewcumber · 07/10/2014 14:28

why shouldn't benefits be means tested because it costs too much - the extra money doesn't go to deserving claimants it goes to government to employ more people to check claims.

And some of the most deserving won't claim if it means shaming themselves by declaring their lack of income so openly.

And anyway means testing wouldn't rule out OP's sister who has no income to speak of, just an overindulgent mother.

mummymeister · 07/10/2014 15:59

Kewcumber - it doesn't cost to much if the right systems are in place. other countries do it and manage quite well. this myth about it costing too much is lazy and is just there to preserve the status quo. I remember in my youth being told it was too expensive to charge for uni education and cheaper just to make it free for everyone. hmm see how that myth got exploded then and charging began. where there is an actual will to make it work there is a way. just don't overly complicate it and it will work.

jacks365 · 07/10/2014 16:09

Mummymeister the grant that the sister has got is means tested. She got it because she has a low enough income to qualify.

Original poster
Candyflosshair · 07/10/2014 20:53

Perhaps vouchers would be better then, I'm truly not bashing benefits. I think that the one thing this country's doing right is helping those who truly need it. However the some people do not need it. Why should someone's well earned tax go on someone on benefits iphome6 that they probably could not afford themselves. Vouchers may 'stigmatise people' but something like a mothercare voucher without a sticker saying 'I'm on benefits' would most likely help someone out allot more than £500 put into there account, therefore the People who don't need it probably wouldn't get it thus saving the govt and taxpayer money

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 07/10/2014 21:04

I think we are always going to know "someone" who bends the system for their own gains, but for me if there's 100 single parents and 99 really need that grant and 1 who does not then give it to the 100 IYSWIM?

Whoever mentioned the Winter Fuel Allowance is spot on, how many elderly go on holiday with it? On the one hand you could say oh they are entitled to it, they've worked hard all their lives etc to it should be means tested.

I get annoyed in my family as my brother and his girlfriend have never actually officially moved in together. They both work and claim WTC and have their childcare fees all but paid in full for them (or so they say). My brother still claims he stays at home and his girlfriend is a single parent. They see nothing wrong with this.

Personally I would like to be above board than waiting to be caught out.