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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not have this argument with dd (13)

60 replies

18yearstooold · 05/10/2014 18:10

Dd is refusing to do her homework

She's not hiding the fact she has any, but point blank refusing to do it as 'it serves no purpose and is therefore pointless'

I've cajoled, I've turned the Internet off, I've offered help (she doesn't need it) I've warned she will get in trouble at school and at home

I cannot put the pen in her hand and make her write

AIBU to just let her get in trouble?

OP posts:

SpringBreaker · 05/10/2014 18:12

"AIBU to just let her get in trouble?"

yep

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 05/10/2014 18:13

No YANBU! She cost that path, let her get on with it!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/10/2014 18:13

Yep. Let her face the consequences.

Celticlassie · 05/10/2014 18:15

It's her homework, not yours, let her face the consequences. And I say that as a teacher.

ajandjjmum · 05/10/2014 18:16

DD is 21 - we're currently learning that had we let her sort out her own mess when she was 13, and we might not be in our current situation with her! I would grin, except it's not actually funny!

Catsmamma · 05/10/2014 18:17

I never nagged mine for homework...kept it conversational, asked if they had any, maybe reminded if they were milling about with nuffink to do but very much took the view that it wasn't my homework and not my problem.

if it was interesting they'd do it, if not then they took the flack.

marne2 · 05/10/2014 18:18

Sounds like you have done all you can, if she doesn't want to do it then she can face the consequences ( detention or what ever it may be ). My dd hates doing homework and it frustrates me as she is a high achiever at school and works hard in class, when it comes to home work she really can't see the point she will do it but often rushes through doing the least amount of work she can get away with.

Theas18 · 05/10/2014 18:18

She doesn't do it she faces the penalties.

Totally with you about not allowing her to spend the time that she should be doing it " doing nice things" like messing around on the net. But do it with a quiet voice and as little reaction as you can muster. She's looking for an argument I reckon.

I'd be tempted to tell school as well !

StitchWitch · 05/10/2014 18:19

Nope, go for it. Natural consequences of her actions. Block the MAC code of her devices from the router, or simply leave it turned off. No TV, no privileges until it's done, but beyond that just reiterate why homework is important and leave it between her and the school.

MyballsareSandy · 05/10/2014 18:19

Interesting ajanjjmum, as a mum to two 13 year olds, one of whom is lazy and disorganised, I'd like to hear more!

AlpacaMyBags · 05/10/2014 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/10/2014 18:23

Also, if she wakes in the morning fretting about it and trying to do it when she should be doing breakfast/getting ready, take it off her. The time has been and gone for homework.

Goldmandra · 05/10/2014 18:23

At 13 she is old enough to know and accept the consequences of not doing her homework. If she chooses to face those consequences rather than do the homework she should be allowed to do so. There is little point in arguing the toss with a 13YO who has her mind made up.

The only exception is if she has, or you suspect that she may have Autism or Asperger's. Children and young people with this condition can find it very difficult to cope with completing school work at home meaning that they become very stressed and unable to think enough to process information. That is an inability to complete the homework, not a choice.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/10/2014 18:25

Ideal time to highlight natural consequences. Just make sure she walks back from detention (unless you live silly distance away)

kennyp · 05/10/2014 18:26

her book, her homework, her name on the book. let her get on with it (or not). it's her responsibility.

Wellthen · 05/10/2014 18:28

I think its worth opening up the conversation about why they have homework. I actually agree with her, before ks4 homework has very little purpose. She has every right to refuse, as long as she knows the consequences. However she is fast approaching an age where independent work will be important.

I would discuss with her why she thinks school gives it if it is pointless. Perhaps their reasons are not good ones but there will be reasons. What would happen if they allowed her to not do it and but made the others? Would she prefer a different school? Remind her that she 'signs up' to the policies of the school in year 7. Remind her that the teachers have to give it, even if they disagree with it.

I think if you approach this in an adult way, you may bring her round. Her 'refusal' smacks of a desire to be heard and taken seriously. Ultimately, we know the school will make her do it. But it would be better if she came to realisation herself.

Vitalstatistix · 05/10/2014 18:31

I would say let her face the consequences of her choice.

It's a battle I have had with mine and I say to them that if they choose to not do their homework, that is up to them, but they face the consequences of that and I will not write a note or do anything to get them out of it.

If they cannot do their homework because the work has not been appropriately differentiated for them, or they don't understand it, or they are unable to complete it for other reasons, then that's a different thing altogether, but if they simply don't want to do it or take any of the options available to them to help them - they face the consequences of that and I think that's an important lesson.

In life, there are consequences for the choices you make.

Original poster

18yearstooold · 05/10/2014 18:39

She's just being belligerent

She knows everything so it's not teaching her anything so it's pointless

Normally she panics massively about the possibility of getting in trouble at school so this is a new one on me

I'm quite impressed with myself for not getting really cross with her (outwardly anyway)

OP posts:

catsbabyandchaos · 05/10/2014 18:41

agree with wellthen

ChippingInLatteLover · 05/10/2014 18:45

I would talk to her about it - calmly.

Is it this specific thing she thinks is 'pointless' or just homework in general?

How would she like to deal with that, because simply not doing it, isn't on. She can either write a note explaining why she hasn't done it & make some constructive suggestions or she can do it - the 'point' being that she has been asked to do, so it needs doing.

mummymeister · 05/10/2014 18:47

haven't you seen that advert where they tell you to ask someone who knows everything about everything - just ask a teenager! well that's why parents with teens laugh at it because it is true. she is boundary pushing so all you can do is say "yes dear, welcome to the real world of actions and consequences" on the quiet I would speak to her form teacher. there may be another underlying reason for her wanting to fail at the moment or be sent out of school. always, always worth checking. but 99 times out of 100 it is because they are being teens. does she get pocket money attached to chores. if not introduce this. you work hard, you get paid, you get the things you want. no work, no money. a valuable life lesson she is just about to learn.

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/10/2014 19:32

She knows everything so it's not teaching her anything so it's pointless

'Oh really daughter. If it's so easy it should only take you 10 minutes then. Save you getting an hour long detention won't it?'

hormonalandneedingcheese · 05/10/2014 19:33

She needs to learn to deal with the consequences OP.

kickassangel · 05/10/2014 19:41

I agree that it's her work and her grades. Just one thing I do push DD with, she genuinely has no idea how to present and complete a project so that it looks good. Therefore she doesn't actually know everything, and does need to do the work. Is your DD really aware of what she needs to know and do?

I'd let her get the crap grade and detention but try to talk about why.

Original poster

18yearstooold · 05/10/2014 19:42

Funky I've tried that, she said she didn't care if she got a detention

I don't link money to chores, that would give her an option not to do them if she wasn't bothered about the money

She does chores because she's part of a family and that's what we do, not because she gets paid

OP posts:

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