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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not have this argument with dd (13)

60 replies

18yearstooold · 05/10/2014 18:10

Dd is refusing to do her homework

She's not hiding the fact she has any, but point blank refusing to do it as 'it serves no purpose and is therefore pointless'

I've cajoled, I've turned the Internet off, I've offered help (she doesn't need it) I've warned she will get in trouble at school and at home

I cannot put the pen in her hand and make her write

AIBU to just let her get in trouble?

OP posts:

CalamitouslyWrong · 05/10/2014 19:46

Honestly, let her get a detention. And then another one. And another one. Maybe then she'll develop the motivation to do her own homework.

wanttosqueezeyou · 05/10/2014 19:46

YANBU to let her get into trouble.

But if its very out of character for her you could try for a chat see if there's anything underlying this? or is she could just be being a teenager

Nosy67 · 05/10/2014 19:47

I can't comment on unreasonableness because I think it depends how much energy you have. Only you know what you can do.

The consequences are paltry, ime, DS has figured this out & has no problem with the consequences (lunchtime detentions sometimes they make him do the work there or hassle him to do it later). He doesn't like being bollocked, but on balance bollocking preferable to any homework, in his mind. I think he's testing the waters on plagiarism this week, see how far he can take that one (sigh).

Whereas perfectionist DD hates homework because she gets so much of it. And because she cares, she won't do a half-assed job of any of it.

I am rapidly joining the ranks who wonder if there is any point to homework for under 17s.

scousadelic · 05/10/2014 19:48

I would just leave her to it, she'll learn once she's had a bit of grief from school.

With both of mine I would remind them but I never once made them do it. I know it's a hard line to tread but they have to learn for themselves, otherwise you will all pay the price when she is older

Gatehouse77 · 05/10/2014 20:47

I've always made it clear to mine that if there is a genuine reason to not have completed h'work I'd write a note explaining it. I would also make sure that if they didn't do it I'd ensure the school/teacher knew that they'd been given the time, opportunity and offer of help and therefore it's their problem.

So far, so good and they're ages 15, 13 and 11

Littlef00t · 05/10/2014 20:55

Do let her learn to work or not herself, my cousin would always rather play computer games but with mum constantly on his back he did v well and went off to uni. Ended up dropping out in second year because he basically got addicted to computer games and without mum pushing him, just stopped meeting deadlines and failed assignments.

Would have been a lot less dramatic if he'd had to re do a couple of gcses

jezzapaxmanslovechild · 05/10/2014 21:04

I stopped hassling ds1 in yr 9 - id had it up to here with persuading cajoling and backchat .. I gave reminders and he did a few detentions before he eventually decided I wasn't being arsey for the sake of it and that there was a oapoint to it all...he eventually through trial error and experience ,, experience knuckled down to it and got all A's and A*s. Now ds2 has just started year 7 1st - sigh

jezzapaxmanslovechild · 05/10/2014 21:05

Sorry for repeating wordsy wordsy btw - phone is having complete hissy fit

jezzapaxmanslovechild · 05/10/2014 21:06

Argh !!

SanityClause · 05/10/2014 21:13

I am a great believer in children learning to live with the consequences of their actions.

If she doesn't do the homework, she will get whatever sanction the teacher thinks is appropriate.

I do think perhaps you could ask her why she doesn't want to do this particular piece of homework, as she is usually so good at getting schoolwork done.

But is she won't do it, as you say, you can't make her.

skylark2 · 05/10/2014 21:23

Is it mindnumbing makework? If so, I would get her to do one question in 3 (or something similar) as proof that she understands it and assure her that you will go in and discuss unsuitable homework with the teacher (and then do so) but that you have got to have proof that she can do it with her eyes shut for them to take any notice of you.

figgieroll · 05/10/2014 21:42

Let her take responsibility for herself. You shouldn't need to nag a 13 year old to do homework. Why stress yourself?

DeWee · 05/10/2014 21:59

I've found with my younger 2 (oldest is no problem as she hates getting into trouble at school) that I just say "I'm not reminding you again to do your homework. It is there to be done, and if you haven't done it then you will miss X" and then leave them, much more effective than nagging them.
There never will be a time when they think "actually I'd like to do my homework now" so they might as well do it when you first want as when you last nag.

Aherdofmims · 05/10/2014 22:42

I really think it is up to her to do it at secondary school. Let her face the consequences.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 06/10/2014 10:23

I find homework completely pointless. In the real world, you go to work, you work, you come home. You don't go home to work again. It's not preparing you for real life at all. The time to do work is in work time. This is one of the reasons I will probably be a shit parent because I just don't agree with it. I will have to make them do it but it really does serve no purpose. She has every right to not do it as long as she knows she will be kept behind and will have to do it then.

SanityClause · 06/10/2014 11:24

Crayola, I think you would have difficulty convincing a teacher, of all professions, that work is done at work, and never spills over into home life.

FWIW, I know very few people who do not have to take work home with them, or do not have to go in on weekends etc.

ChasedByBees · 06/10/2014 11:33

I would probably show her the forgetting curve :

www.upsidelearning.com/blog/index.php/2013/03/19/mobile-learning-the-third-dimension/

She may know it now but unless she revisits it quickly, she will forget it. She has to revisit it frequently for the knowledge to be retained. That is the point of the homework. Beyond that, let her get in trouble.

LurkingHusband · 06/10/2014 11:36

Our lad stopped doing homework about year 9. Because he's very bright, he managed to coast through school without doing much, or doing it in the class while the teachers were helping the stragglers.

It may be worth making sure she's being stretched at school.

Original poster

18yearstooold · 06/10/2014 11:41

Well miraculously, I was signing her planner this morning and it had magically been done

God knows what time she actually went to sleep!

She is a high achiever and I've had more than one conversation with school about stretching her but they don't allow early GCSEs so she's in yr8 doing level 8 work and they don't want to move her on any faster

OP posts:

unlucky83 · 06/10/2014 12:03

YANBU - argument I have with my DD (also 13) all the time - she has to take responsibility for herself...and accept the consequences of her actions. It is her life, her choice - she isn't going to school for me or for the teachers but for herself. She is wasting her - not mine - time if she doesn't try.
The school phoned me recently cos she hadn't done some homework and I did make her do it (and redo some she had done badly before) but she never completes her planner so I don't if she has homework or not...she seems never to do any.
School spoke to her too and it seemed to have an effect but I refuse to stand over her. (I did when she was at primary but not at her age).

Speaking to someone with an older DC and they pointed out that you can't sit their exams for them....there is only so much you can do.
And also I used to work at a university and speaking to a course organiser one of the biggest problems they had were that students had no idea how to organise themselves - and this has become a bigger problem over recent years - students had been spoon fed by parents and by schools...
I'm hoping she'll get the messing around out of the way now - and by the time she needs to do her exams/go to university (if she goes) she will be doing the work...

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 12:16

Little madam!

Shame about them not stretching her though - you wouldn't consider moving her? It's got to be pretty crap for her if she's bored witless.

tess73 · 06/10/2014 12:21

she sounds bored, fed up and looking for a confrontation imo.

i would try and talk to the school if it carries on, keep a close eye, this could be the start of an over achieving girl beginning to not be bothered. v common.

or is she being called a swot or some peer pressure to rebel a little?

how out of character is it?

Original poster

18yearstooold · 06/10/2014 21:50

Chipping the only other option is a selective private

She was offered a place but unfortunately not a big enough bursary

OP posts:

Original poster

18yearstooold · 06/10/2014 21:54

Tess she has her moments at home but at school she likes to be well liked by the teachers and well behaved

She's been called a swot since she was 6 so it's like water off a ducks back

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 06/10/2014 21:55

What about an evening course at a local FE college in a subject she loves? It might just be enough to keep her ticking over intellectually?

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