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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go out for a friends birthday because I'll be the only single one there?

52 replies

HarlowTulip · 05/10/2014 15:31

My friend is having a few drinks at the start of next month for her birthday. Of the friends including her there are 6 are us and all of them apart from me has a partner, it seems very likely that all partners will attend.

I don't want to be 11th wheeling. I will find it very embarrassing as I know they will pity me. I have never moaned about being single to any of them except one who is my best friend and I confined in her a lot. But from comments made previously it's very obvious that they pity me.

I want to be a good friend, but the evening sounds like hell and not a situation I want to put myself in. I haven't given an answer yet of whether I will go or not as it was done over facebook.

Aibu by not going?

OP posts:
MrsPiggie · 05/10/2014 15:39

If you really think you are going to be uncomfortable, then don't go. But a few drinks in the pub is not the type of social situation in which being single is a major issue, it's just a bunch of people sitting around a table. It's not like going on holiday with couples, or going to a wedding or a formal dinner.

PastorOfMuppets · 05/10/2014 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseNowt · 05/10/2014 15:41

YABU I think but it depends on their behaviour really. What do they do/say that makes you think they pity you? Could you be projecting a bit here?

You don't know that all their partners will be able to attend and even if they do, how 'coupley' are they? When i go out as a couple with my dh I like to spend my time talking to other people as I see enough of him day in day out!

Original poster
HarlowTulip · 05/10/2014 15:54

What do they do/say that makes you think they pity you? Could you be projecting a bit here?

I got asked if I was "seeing someone special" and when I replied no not right now, I got the sympathetic head tilt an an "aww that's so shit" sad face.

But a few drinks in the pub is not the type of social situation in which being single is a major issue

It's not a pub, it's going around bars in the city centre, so usually drinks and dancing.

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 05/10/2014 16:02

Have you anyone you could bring?

MagnificentMaleficent · 05/10/2014 16:05

I'd go and pull Wink

If anyone ask if you have "someone special" just say not really, although you are finding it hard to fit all the fuck buddies in. That'll shut them up.

ApocalypseNowt · 05/10/2014 16:07

If anyone ask if you have "someone special" just say not really, although you are finding it hard to fit all the fuck buddies in.

^^ This.

Head tilt/sad face is the worst - they can't be all like that though..? If they are I wouldn't blame you for steering clear.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/10/2014 16:12

I don't pity single friends, I think that vs relationships is swings and roundabouts generally. I think people who are couply can be a bit tedious and I avoid them. I find that going out in a group of couples tends to end in a real gender divide. I would consider going but with a warning that you're going off to X later so won't be staying out with them all night.

MagnificentMaleficent · 05/10/2014 16:15

Also just because they are in a couple doesn't mean they are happy. I remember one Christmas and my friend was hosting. Me single 5 other couples. Wouldn't have wanted to be in their relationships - not any one of them. I am now happily married, but I was very happily single before I met DH too.

MyFairyKing · 05/10/2014 16:18

I am in the same position as you at the moment. My close friends have all suddenly coupled up and I am still single. I have cancelled going to a few casual drinks events and I regret it. It just fed into my negative mindset that there is something wrong with me. We are all in our mid/late twenties and I have allowed myself to feel 'on the shelf' which is ridiculous. Go and hold your head high. You are enough, just the way you are. Flowers

cardibach · 05/10/2014 16:57

I've been single for 17 years. If I thought like you, OP, is have had a very boring life. Why would people pity you? I don't see anything pitiful in being independent. If they do, get new friends who don't come from the 1940s.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/10/2014 17:03

I can remember being on the coupled side of that situation and feeling utterly jealous of the woman there who didn't have to put up with a knobjockey like my 'D'P at the time! You never know what's going on behind closed doors. I would just go and enjoy the evening out.

chumrun · 05/10/2014 17:08

The problem is that no matter how right you all are it is so depressing when being faced with pity from others that it inevitably brings you right down.

I'm not sure about my DP but if I'm honest I prefer being in a relationship generally if only because I do feel so much more accepted and normal by others. Stupid that it is that way, but it is.

Eebahgum · 05/10/2014 17:10

If you are recently single or they're the kind of couples who are all over each other I can see how this could be uncomfortable. However, I was single for many years and was the token single person at many social events. I think not going because you're the only single person is exactly as bad as not inviting you because you're the only single person. I'd have been gutted if that happened so I made a point of always going along. Guaranteed there will be several people there feeling jealous of your singleness.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 05/10/2014 17:17

Go for the first couple of drinks but say in advance you need to leave early ... I am married but hate it whenfriends insist on doing things as couples as my dh won't go, so then they still all do the sympathetic head tilt thing - these days I often grump out when its going to be couples...

chumrun · 05/10/2014 17:21

IME people are NEVER jealous of your singleness. Why would you be?

elvenbread · 05/10/2014 17:22

What happens if you are still single in 5 years? Do you plan to sit at home and avoid couples?

LadyLuck10 · 05/10/2014 17:27

Yabu, it's a poor reason to miss a friends birthday.

BackforGood · 05/10/2014 17:27

Well, I'd say YABU to avoid going out to this sort of a do because others are in couples, yes. If you are going to a few bars and to go dancing, then you'll all be milling about / mingling / mixing up all the time anyway.

If you do want to meet someone else (maybe you do, maybe you don't?) you aren't going to meet them sitting home, but quite possibly would at this sort of evening.

I too doubt if people are 'pitying you' - maybe it's something you are a bit sensitive about and just interpreting it that way?

Of course, like all invitations, that's what it is - an invitation. If you don't want to go, then don't, but your reason seems odd.

chumrun · 05/10/2014 17:28

She's not suggesting she sits at home for the rest of her life avoiding couples but that she'd rather avoid couples who pity her for not being like them!

formerbabe · 05/10/2014 17:50

When we go out with other couples, it invariably ends up with the men and women sitting/standing separately and chatting with each other rather than the couples sticking together....I agree it can be a bit awkward though. I have been the singleton in that situation and one half of a couple with one singleton in the group so I know what you mean.

foslady · 05/10/2014 17:55

Go - honestly, go. Because if like me you're still single a few years down the line your AIBU will read 'AIBU that I don't get invited put with my friends because I'm the only single one and they're all coupled up.....'

2Bemused · 05/10/2014 17:59

Sounds like the perfect opportunity to be out in a group with the possibility of meeting someone in one of the bars.
Why not give it a go and see what hapoens?

moxon · 05/10/2014 18:00

According to a recent AIBU thread you can rustle up a Tinder date who won't know where various European capitals are, and would therefore amuse everyone for the entire evening. You'd be a hit.

SpringBreaker · 05/10/2014 18:49

If there are a few people then they would all be walking hand in hand with their partner. The men will probably be sat in one group and the women sat chatting in another. You wouldnt feel left out I cant imagine. They are your friends, go and have a good time. I very much doubt they pity you, in fact I would almost guarantee that a fair few of them are jealous that you are free to go out and meet someone new or just have a good old flirt and a laugh with anyone who you want to. Also, if you are doing a bar crawl, surely there is also a chance that the blokes in the group will bump into other mates of theres so a possibility of meeting someone is also there.

It sounds more like you making an issue out of it than anything that your friends are likely to say.

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