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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go out for a friends birthday because I'll be the only single one there?

52 replies

HarlowTulip · 05/10/2014 15:31

My friend is having a few drinks at the start of next month for her birthday. Of the friends including her there are 6 are us and all of them apart from me has a partner, it seems very likely that all partners will attend.

I don't want to be 11th wheeling. I will find it very embarrassing as I know they will pity me. I have never moaned about being single to any of them except one who is my best friend and I confined in her a lot. But from comments made previously it's very obvious that they pity me.

I want to be a good friend, but the evening sounds like hell and not a situation I want to put myself in. I haven't given an answer yet of whether I will go or not as it was done over facebook.

Aibu by not going?

OP posts:
Latara · 05/10/2014 19:25

You're lucky to have friends who want to go out to bars and go drinking & dancing! Mine don't anymore and I have to sit in most weekend nights, I'm single & I'd rather be out with a group of couples than sat in alone.
Have fun while you're still young!

Original poster
HarlowTulip · 05/10/2014 19:26

What happens if you are still single in 5 years? Do you plan to sit at home and avoid couples?

I do have other friends thankfully lol.

I don't sit at home every night of the week. This week I've been out for 4 nights so I'm not a saddo just yet.

I don't avoid them because they are couples. I just get a bit fed up of hanging out with that certain group because every time we arrange something everyone brings their partner and it would be nice occasionally to do things as just us (especially as the guys are not friends and would never hang out together)

OP posts:
Original poster
HarlowTulip · 05/10/2014 19:28

I do appreciate the replies by the way.

I'm just wondering if the people saying its a poor excuse etc if they have ever been in exact same situation because I think for someone who generally have always had a partner its hard to know how it feels to be the only single iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarlowTulip · 05/10/2014 19:31

The men will probably be sat in one group

Wouldn't happen because the men aren't friends, not because they don't like each other it's purely because they are so different.

I've never known any of them to do go out just them.

OP posts:
AmIthatHot · 05/10/2014 19:33

Totally understandable OP. I recently turned down a silver wedding, and was actually asked by another friend if I wanted to be invited to his wedding - as it was all couples going. I turned it down.

It's not just the pity, IMO, it's the drinks dilemmas and I always want to dance, but never have anyone to dance with.

I think if you will feel uncomfortable, YANBU.

redexpat · 05/10/2014 19:33

I hated my second year student house. At the start of the year we were all single, throughout the year they all found someone, and i was the only single one. So yanbu!

Handsup · 05/10/2014 19:35

I'm normally a tad jealous of my single friends - they seem to have a carefree way which I thoroughly miss. I'm sure they don't pity you and like me are instead a bit jel Smile

Handsup · 05/10/2014 19:35

I'm normally a tad jealous of my single friends - they seem to have a carefree way which I thoroughly miss. I'm sure they don't pity you and like me are instead a bit jel Smile

AmIthatHot · 05/10/2014 19:42

I'm not sure any of my coupled up friends are jealous of the fact that I have to sort out childcare, drop DD off, take car home, then get a taxi down, on my own to wherever it may be.

To be fair, most of my friends are lovely and include me and make sure I get home ok, but it is sad, especially when slow songs come on at the end of the night, and I'm left sitting. It's not the first time I've disappeared to the toilets for a silent tear of self pity.

No, I'm pretty sure NONE of them are jealous of me

catsbabyandchaos · 05/10/2014 19:48

If people are jealous of others being single, they can get a divorce!

Ok I'm being facetious but it's soooo patronising when people say they are jealous

manicinsomniac · 05/10/2014 20:07

I am often in this situation. Occasionally I've felt a little reluctant and uncomfortable but generally I find it's much better to go out and have fun than miss out and end up feeling sad and lonely at home. My close friends know why I'm single and have never made me feel left out.

MagnificentMaleficent · 05/10/2014 20:39

But you can be happier single than you can be in a couple.

Loneliest I have ever felt was when I was in an unhappy relationship.

catsbabyandchaos · 05/10/2014 20:45

Of course you can, it doesn't mean it's sunshine and roses being single though and it's patronising when people say they are jealous. If they are jealous, get a divorce, or never get married in the first place, if it's that amazing!

cardibach · 05/10/2014 20:54

Amithathot really? You get upset at the slow dance? Do they even have that anymore?

AmIthatHot · 05/10/2014 21:33

Yes, cardi, they do have that. And yes I get upset as all the couples head for the dancefloor and there's me left sitting at the table alone.

Cats - you are right. Always happens on these threads though that people come on and say "oh you don't know what happens behind closed doors", etc.
Which is fine, but really that must be the minority. Else why are these people still coupled up?

MagnificentMaleficent · 05/10/2014 22:04

I don't think it is AmI - well what I mean is that plenty of my friends attached themselves or married someone because they didn't want to be alone. They are not relationships I would ever have wanted.

Now for some people, then they are happier I guess to be part of a couple whatever form that may take, than to be single. But that's not a recipe for a great life.

You can always be part of a couple, you can always find someone willing to go out with you. The fact you haven't shows you have standards and are waiting for someone worth of your time.

shortaris1 · 05/10/2014 23:01

I wouldn't have any of my friends men for all the tea in China!

Go along for a bit Harlow but suggest a girlie night as a future plan while you are all together.

FyreFly · 05/10/2014 23:11

It's even worse when you're at the age where all your friends are pairing off and getting married. And yes, they do still do slow dances at the end of the night in a lot of clubs.

You do feel like a complete prat sat there on your own. It's like "Right... I'll just, umm... Oh there's something in my shoe. Hmm. Maybe I'll get a drink. Damn my dress is ever so slightly out of place. Right. Yes. I'll just stay here. Oh look, pretend texts..."

superstarheartbreaker · 05/10/2014 23:24

If you are going to clubs where they have slow dances at the end then in my opinion you are going to the wrong clubs and you need some mates who know how to party properly! Where do they like to go out? The school disco?

Bouttimeforwine · 05/10/2014 23:26

I think it depends on the friends. If they are couply then YANBU. It does seem really weird that they always include partners if they don't actually have anything in common.
My friends would naturally gravitate towards the different sexes. Ywbu in this case. That would then be your imagination.

In the case you describe it sounds as if it isn't all in your imagination. The girls don't meet without the men? Doesn't sound great for you.

AmIthatHot · 05/10/2014 23:36

supperstar I'm too old for clubs, but weddings and 40th and 50th parties, etc, all have slow dances at the end. Nothing strange about it

chipshop · 05/10/2014 23:42

God some of the couples in my social group can't stand each other, they'd be envying the singles!

If its drinks it should be fine surely, just bat back any nosey questions with some of your own - when are you going to walk down the aisle, you've been together quite a while haven't you?/are you thinking about kids at all? and watch them squirm too.

GatoradeMeBitch · 06/10/2014 00:48

catsbabyandchaos - Is it still patronising if it's 100% true? I was miserable in my relationship. I expect I'll be single for next years round of weddings and christenings, and I'm MORE than happy with that!

Handsup · 06/10/2014 11:36

It's also patronising to assume friends partnered up pity you. I think the pity comes from 'self' tbh and what sort of places are you going to where a slow dance occurs at the end of an evening

plantsitter · 06/10/2014 11:41

Can you arrange to meet a group of your singles friends at one of the pubs along the way? Then you can say to the birthday friend that you'll tag along for a bit but that you already had plans, and when you get to the pub they're in you can freely sparkle off to you laughing group of friends leaving the head tilting bores wishing they were you?