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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you'd reply to my idiot of an exH?

71 replies

CloudiaPickle · 03/10/2014 22:03

ExH was due to collect DD (8) for contact at 4 pm this afternoon. She had a special assembly at school this afternoon (harvest related for family to attend) - which I'd told him about - and it ended up overunning because DD was awarded an 'outstanding start to the year' award because of an unforeseen incident that happened last week where she behaved/reacted brilliantly.

I sent exH my apologies, saying we were running late because DD had been given the award. He replied telling me to hurry up because he had his other child with him, and that I have no excuse for being late and being unfair on his other child. When we arrived he simply told DD to get in the car - no hello, or mention of her award.

I sent him a message later saying ten mins late is really of no consequence seeing as he was an hour late to collect her last time, and that his other childs interests are not my concern - that DD is which is why I was at her special assembly, as he should have been. He replied saying he thinks I've been 5/10 mins late at least five times in the past year, so he'll round that up to an hour and keep her that much longer on Sunday. She has her first swimming gala on Sunday which she has been extremely excited about and him keeping her an hour longer will mean she misses it - which he well knows.

He excuses himself to DD by telling her I don't tell him things - like about the special assembly, award, swim gala etc when actually I inform and invite him to everything - he just doesn't bother coming. AIBU to ask what you'd respond to him?

I

OP posts:
GilesGirl · 03/10/2014 22:05

Nothing. It just gives him ammo. Your daughter will learn soon enough what a dick head her dad is.

Quitelikely · 03/10/2014 22:07

This is all very petty. Stop wasting your emotional energy on this stupid man and secondly pick your battles wisely!

Hth

hotfuzzra · 03/10/2014 22:07

Keep the moral high ground and simply state that you cannot prevent him from keeping her longer, but that she would be heartbroken to miss the gala, and does he want to be responsible for making her feel like that?
Could he take her to it? That way he's kept happy silly twat and so is she (lovely girl)

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 03/10/2014 22:08

It's not petty to DD who will be devastated, blaming me and possibly off the swim team she's worked extremely hard to get in to.

OP posts:
steppemum · 03/10/2014 22:09

I would reply.

fine for you to keep her for one hour longer on Sunday, her gala starts at xx time, if she is with you, then it is your responsibility to get her to her gala. I will have her bag ready to collect at any point this weekend

ridiculoussingle · 03/10/2014 22:09

What a tosser.
I have an ex like that, deliberately difficult and scores points using dc. There's not a lot you can do if he wants to get back at you through your poor dd, but I think I'd text him to remind him it's her gala and not to be late, then if he is I'd tell dd I'd reminded him and have the text as proof.

Sorry, it's a shit situation, he sounds a total tool.

ChippingInLatteLover · 03/10/2014 22:09

I would tell him that if he is late on Sunday he will have to take you back to court to get it sorted out because making her deliberately miss special events to make a point to you is frowned upon by the courts.

Git.

Then I would explain to DD that he's a wanker not being honest and is just saying that to make you cross.

Well done to her for doing what she did to get the award Flowers (Don't let him take the edge off of it).

Holdthepage · 03/10/2014 22:09

Stop giving him anything but the bare minimum of communication. Tell him when you are running late but leave it at that. Your DD will soon realise what a loser he is. Sad for her but you are not responsible for his twattishness.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 03/10/2014 22:10

He won't take her. He'll reply that it's my fault for being late so he needn't feel guilty.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 03/10/2014 22:19

Is it possible for you to call at his house to pick her up in time for the swimming gala? It would be really mean of him to refuse to let her go.

If he does ruin it for her I would be looking to go back to court to reduce contact.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/10/2014 22:25

How about 'why dont you stop being a complete cunt to your daughter. I was late because she won a special award and the assembly overran. Cunt'

Or something like that.

maddening · 03/10/2014 22:26

Reply to say that if he is responsible for dd when her class is on then he can behave like the fucking father and man he should be and make sure that his dd does not miss out because of his spectacularly childish behaviour so please let's not punish dd over what is a minor thing that he is trying to turn in to a row.

maddening · 03/10/2014 22:27

Ps I like funkys better

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 03/10/2014 22:27

He'll preempt that and be out, I'm sure. I don't want to get in to showing DD text messages as proof as it leaves her stuck in the middle. We haven't been to court yet but he wants to be able to paint me as contact blocking when we do so reducing/stopping contact is playing right into his hands.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 03/10/2014 22:28

Love it funky Grin

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2014 22:35

Can you go and pick her up in time to get her to the swimming gala? HE can't physically prevent you from doing this.

daisychain01 · 03/10/2014 22:35

....that his other childs interests are not my concern

cloudia I can understand your frustration but I think it wasnt good form to say the above, mainly because it doesnt help to dampen down the situation for the sake of your DD. Even if it is true, that you dont care about his other DC maybe it wasnt the most tactful thing to come out with...

I know it is really hard sometimes when the other person is being massively immature and unreasonable, but taking a deep breathe and counting to a hundred Grin means he doesnt have the ammo to throw back at you. And most of all, it doesnt put your DD in the middle of a battle ground.

icclemunchy · 03/10/2014 22:37

Will you be dropping DD off with him on Sunday? (Or sat?) if give her a kiss and tell her you'll see her at x time for her gala, then the balls in his court.

Or even tell him when you drop her off so she can hear. Don't forget DDs gallon Sunday. It starts at x time shall I pick her up or will I meet you there?

inthename · 03/10/2014 22:37

Its what they do. Learn to smile and wave. If she misses the gala then contact the organisers and explain why. Don't enter into conversation with him. Don't make any comment about him to your dd either. He is trying to get a reaction, don't give him one

loubielou31 · 03/10/2014 22:39

I think you need to send him all future communications by e mail so that you will have a record to show the court that you are not contact blocking and that you are keeping him informed about things your DD is involved in but that he is preventing DD from attending events that she enjoys.
For this weekend you'll have to hope that he stops behaving like a cunt and takes her to her swimming gala. If he doesn't then I think you have to explain clearly to your DD that this was her dads fault. There's a difference between telling children the truth and putting them in the middle. Exh is putting her in the middle by using her to punish you. Twat.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/10/2014 22:45

You failed to tell him by text that you haven't been 5/10 minutes late every time for the last year - you need to say that.

And then remind at the end of the text that him being an hour late will mean she misses her swimming gala and that you're sure she doesn't want to miss that as she's worked so hard.

Stop mentioning him. And if you are late, stop being late - make all contact late enough that you can get home - it doesn't need to be at 4, school stuff, play dates, galas ALL run over. Always make it late enough that she's never late.

He is not going to stop acting like a cunt so you need to ignore it.

If he keeps her and she misses the gala send a text saying that contact is now stopped due to her missing the gala even though he knew about it, agreed and had plenty of notice and if he wants to see her again he will have to get court ordered contact.

BotoxednSpanxed · 03/10/2014 22:46

i don't communicate with my x unless it is absolutely necessary. I have boiled it down to the absolute minimum. what time and where? That's it. You have to be the bigger person to get to that level of non-communication though!!!! the first hundred times my poor victimised x told me all my flaws by text, it was very hard not to respond.

quirkycutekitch · 03/10/2014 22:47

All you can do is tell him when & where the gala is & then it's up to him.

It will be hard dealing with an upset dd however she'll realise herself soon enough that he's a twat!

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 03/10/2014 23:02

Laurie I did also say I'm not regularly late but I can't be early because he loiters outside the house which makes DD anxious that she's keeping him waiting so he'll be cross. I have explained this before but it hasn't stopped so the best I can do is aim to be there on time.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/10/2014 23:09

Your mistake was texting him after you had dropped. Dd with him. There was no need to engage in argument. You were late, he was pissed off and said something, you just say sorry bye and leave it. The more you get Into petty arguments the worse it is...

Make sure he knows where the gala is and the time.
Send a reminder one hour before.
The rest is up to him.

Keep a record and then bring it up in mediation or court if needs be later.

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