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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what you'd reply to my idiot of an exH?

71 replies

CloudiaPickle · 03/10/2014 22:03

ExH was due to collect DD (8) for contact at 4 pm this afternoon. She had a special assembly at school this afternoon (harvest related for family to attend) - which I'd told him about - and it ended up overunning because DD was awarded an 'outstanding start to the year' award because of an unforeseen incident that happened last week where she behaved/reacted brilliantly.

I sent exH my apologies, saying we were running late because DD had been given the award. He replied telling me to hurry up because he had his other child with him, and that I have no excuse for being late and being unfair on his other child. When we arrived he simply told DD to get in the car - no hello, or mention of her award.

I sent him a message later saying ten mins late is really of no consequence seeing as he was an hour late to collect her last time, and that his other childs interests are not my concern - that DD is which is why I was at her special assembly, as he should have been. He replied saying he thinks I've been 5/10 mins late at least five times in the past year, so he'll round that up to an hour and keep her that much longer on Sunday. She has her first swimming gala on Sunday which she has been extremely excited about and him keeping her an hour longer will mean she misses it - which he well knows.

He excuses himself to DD by telling her I don't tell him things - like about the special assembly, award, swim gala etc when actually I inform and invite him to everything - he just doesn't bother coming. AIBU to ask what you'd respond to him?

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 05/10/2014 08:47

Can you explain to your DD that Ex has said he is keeping her an extra hour on Sunday so she will miss her gala. Then if she says she doesn't want to g o to his because of that - then that's sorted.

quirkycutekitch · 05/10/2014 22:39

So what happened OP? Did she get to the gala?

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 06/10/2014 10:02

I went to his in the morning with her swim things. They were out so I sent him a text message and email (he wasn't answering the phone) saying she would be desperately upset if she missed it so please put her first and if he wants additional contact then he's welcome to get in touch with me to arrange it. He returned her 40 minutes late and she missed it

I had spoken to her coach but I do see his point of view that he needs tobe able to rely on team members being there. DD is worried she might be in trouble for missing it and reluctant to go to training tomorrow saying there's no point as he'll just spoil it next time too.

OP posts:

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 06/10/2014 10:04

Oh, and to make it worse - he hadn't even been out doing something nice with DD, he'd left her at his mum's all day while he went out. Spiteful twat.

OP posts:

Sparklypants · 06/10/2014 10:24

This is where I'd be stopping the contact and getting a solicitor.

Inform by text or email (so you have proof of what was said) that you are putting dds interests first and his actions on Sunday not only meant her missing the gala but may also cost her her place on the team that she's worked so hard to get on.

Don't get into any arguments or mud flinging, remember, this (along with any other correspondence) is going to be your proof when you do go to court, of how unreasonable and damaging to DS he is.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/10/2014 10:59

Yup, stop contact. THere is clear evidence that he is causing her distress on purpose.

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 11:03

Fucking spiteful wankering twatting fuckwitted bastarding git.

I'd stop any contact which means she will miss out on something. So I'd let him take her out for tea midweek or something but not have her on a day when she has a swim meet. If he kicks off tell him there will be no contact until you have been to court.

ChippingInLatteLover · 06/10/2014 11:04

I'd only let him have contact if it's what DD wants, if she doesn't want it or doesn't care, I'd stop it altogether.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 06/10/2014 11:06

What an utter bastard.

I've nothing else constructive to say.

ChasedByBees · 06/10/2014 11:12

I would stop or reduce contact to days where there's nothing planned. He's deliberately trying to hurt her so that you'll be hurt. You won't look bad in court. I agree you need a solicitor.

OneSkinnyChip · 06/10/2014 20:25

What a complete cunt legal advice pronto.

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 06/10/2014 22:03

I think I'll do that, Chased. She came out of school tonight on the brink of tears because she had a party invitation and desperately wanted to go but was terrified that it'd be on his weekend so she wouldn't be able to. Thankfully it isn't.

OP posts:

MrsAmaretto · 06/10/2014 22:20

It's horrendous that your daughter has been made to feel like that. Time for a solicitor. I hope it works out for her x

Darkesteyes · 06/10/2014 22:41

What a fucking bastard. He doesnt care about his daughter he just wants to use her to cause you distress. He doesnt give two shits that it causes her distress as well.

And the fact that he left her at his mothers because he couldnt be bothered to do any actual childcare PROVES hes only insisting on contact to get to you.

Controlling spiteful prick.

quirkycutekitch · 07/10/2014 06:54

Ah your poor daughter - when are kids legally old enough to choose to have contact?

fuzzywuzzy · 07/10/2014 07:21

ten is the age the courts take childrens wishes and feelings into consideration regarding contact.

Claudia, keep a diary of events and make sure you have written evidence of informing your ex of the events that he purposely made your dd miss out on.

When we had contact issues, I just stated in court that sometimes DD's would have events such as parties etc to attend on twats weekends, in which case I would swap weekends over to ensure they were able to have a healthy and happy school and social life and twat could still have contact. I made a point of stating it in court as he would have refused to let the children attend parties and stuff on his weekend. The judge agreed to this, and ex had no comeback (altho he tried to scream and shout about it...to the judge!)

financialwizard · 07/10/2014 07:53

Definitely time for legal advice, and maybe a letter from a family solicitor.

The cost alone might frighten him.

financialwizard · 07/10/2014 07:53

Definitely time for legal advice, and maybe a letter from a family solicitor.

The cost alone might frighten him.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2014 10:52

Does he mistreat his other child to this extent, as well?

GatoradeMeBitch · 07/10/2014 12:37

If this is making her so upset she cries when she gets a party invitation, it all has to stop. Let him go to court. Keep all evidence you have. He is happy to hurt her if it will spite you. He is not a good parent.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 07/10/2014 13:06

Oh OP that's heartbreaking that her first response to getting a party invite ifs to be upset and worried.

Un-MN hug for both of you.

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