to ask what you'd reply to my idiot of an exH?

[CloudiaPickle]

ExH was due to collect DD (8) for contact at 4 pm this afternoon. She had a special assembly at school this afternoon (harvest related for family to attend) - which I'd told him about - and it ended up overunning because DD was awarded an 'outstanding start to the year' award because of an unforeseen incident that happened last week where she behaved/reacted brilliantly.

I sent exH my apologies, saying we were running late because DD had been given the award. He replied telling me to hurry up because he had his other child with him, and that I have no excuse for being late and being unfair on his other child. When we arrived he simply told DD to get in the car - no hello, or mention of her award.

I sent him a message later saying ten mins late is really of no consequence seeing as he was an hour late to collect her last time, and that his other childs interests are not my concern - that DD is which is why I was at her special assembly, as he should have been. He replied saying he thinks I've been 5/10 mins late at least five times in the past year, so he'll round that up to an hour and keep her that much longer on Sunday. She has her first swimming gala on Sunday which she has been extremely excited about and him keeping her an hour longer will mean she misses it - which he well knows.

He excuses himself to DD by telling her I don't tell him things - like about the special assembly, award, swim gala etc when actually I inform and invite him to everything - he just doesn't bother coming. AIBU to ask what you'd respond to him?

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Just for context - he mentions his other child every time. I.e. Make sure DD isn't up late tonight because her brother wants to see her first thing. Don't give DD tea because her brother wants to eat with her. Tell DD not to bring any toys because her brother doesn't have any with him etc. I didn't say I don't care about him, I was saying I shouldn't have to take him into consideration, particularly above and beyond our DD. Cestlavie if I hadn't responded to his claim that I'm always late he'd use that as it being confirmation of it being fact for court.

Court won't go by he said /she said.
You telling him you are right and he is wrong is just getting into discussion.

You are engaging with him in arguments. You were late no I wasn't yes you were well, you were late more no I wasn't yes you were ...

Just keep your own records . He clearly is.

The relationship with her brother is important , don't make big deal of accommodating unless eg dd really hungry and needs to eat before going. But just tell him facts. Don't reason with him. Or explain or justify. Dont use emotions.

Don't engage with him.

Ok you can't text him stuff like 'I'm not regularly late'

You need to be entirely factual 'I've never been late'

You can avoid being late by setting the time he picks her up later - if he's outside it's his problem, distract hour dd saying it's not time yet.

You don't want to fall into a late pattern - obviously the arsehole could be flexible (he won't be ) so you need to always be on time because they do not like it in court.

The place to respond to his claims is In a court if you are asked at which point you bring out your records. In any case no court is going to worry about ten minutes late. Ten hours yes or two hours perhaps.
It isn't the place to do itby text argument when dd is with him.
Easy to fall into that trap I know I have done it but life gets easier when you disengage.

Stop engaging with him

if he has contact, why are YOU collecting her from school - surely he should collect her?

I suggested that Dwells, but he was keeping her uniform, shoes, coat, homework, lunchbox etc every fortnight and I couldn't afford to keeprreplacing them so I changed the time to 4.

Suggest that he collects her from school Friday, and drops her off to school Monday morning.

He excuses himself to DD by telling her I don't tell him things - like about the special assembly, award, swim gala etc when actually I inform and invite him to everything - he just doesn't bother coming. AIBU to ask what you'd respond to him?

get you daughter to email him with times for events and needed pickup times drop offs

then she absolutely knows he has been told...and it will be clear to her who is to blame if he cant be a**d

This is making my blood boil, your ex sounds exactly like my ex-husband OP. He also thinks nothing of hurting my DS just to point score. I agree with all the posters who have suggested sending texts reminding of the gala so you have proof and leaving the ball in his court. I would probably go and pick her up if I heard nothing just because she has worked so hard and why should she miss out. Hope it works out for you.

Aww OP, bless you. Listen - I wouldn't send any emails or texts. I wouldn't engage unless absolutely vital.

Unfortunately when he's with her, he's the parent and it's up to him what he does.

As much as this is infuriating and upsetting for you and you're concerned about her missing the gala, it's so so much more important for her not feel stuck between two warring parents.

She will 100% pick up the tension and bad feeling - divorced parents are often very much in denial about this and claim they keep it from the kids but kids aren't stupid. I know, I've been there.

Be the bigger person, choose your battles, missing a gala won't scar her for life but years of bitterness and game playing between parents will.

Oh dear. I also agree that your mistake was sending the text after she had gone off with him. IMO it wasn't necessary or helpful.

Don't engage in this sort of pettiness as it is of no help to anyone, least of all your DD.

Email arrangements/collection times to him and use a read reciept. You will know he has seen them then.

DD's sibling may not be of your concern, but he is DD's sibling. Passing comments like that are not helpful.

Pick your battles carefully. He was jarred off as you were late, but it didn't need to be turned into a battle.

Dear Ex

She is your daughter not a piece of property or something you rent by the hour.

What sort of parent parent makes their child miss something they want to do to make a point to their ex?

Either behave like a parent or get out of her life, I will not let you ruin her childhood just because you are angry at me.

Court.

And I'd probably at this stage tell him that overnights were stopping until he took it to court himself so that he could explain there why he felt it acceptable to make her suffer - keeping her property, making her miss events, making her anxious and aware of conflict - simply so he could score points.

What Maddening & Funky said. Best of luck to DD for the gala!

Could you speak to someone at her swimming club and ask them to text/speak to him: 'Hi Mr XH, I understand that you'll be bringing DD to gala tomorrow. Please could you make sure she's here by X o'clock, she'll need her swimming hat & goggles as well as her costume. Great to see Dads showing an interest - see you then.' Might make him grow up if he knows another adult will hold him accountable, or at least evidence for court if he doesn't take her. If you're not happy explaining to her swim club, is there another mum who would pretend you were going to lift share with, who might say to him that you were going to go together so would he like her to still take DD? Again, mostly so he knows that he can't say you hadn't told him about it.

TBh I would not send her and tell him to fuck off. If he's this petty and spiteful then contact isn't doing her any good - it's not court-ordered so nothing will happen to you if she doesn't go. Send him an email along the llines of him not being trustworthy (keeping her uniform, deliberately spoiling special events for her) and as he has used up all his chances to behave like a civilised person, contact stops and he can take you to court.
It will not be difficult to drag it out and block him until she's old enough to refuse to see him at all and have her viewpoint prioritised.

Darkness - the problem is, she doesn't necessarily want him to go. She doesn't expect that he will and would be more surprised to see him there than not. It's just confusing her when he keeps playing the hard done by card and saying I don't tell him things. She knows that isn't really true so that makes him a liar - which isn't nice to know at 8. Solid I've already reduced contact as he behaved appallingly over the summer so I'm expecting court papers any day. I feel he's trying to goad me in to stopping it altogether so I look bad in court.

I was 7 when my father started doing this. and believe me I knew a lot more about what was going on than my mum thought. your daughter knows what he is like already. she doesn't show it because like all kids she doesn't want the conflict. get the swimming club involved. get him to text your ex with times etc. tell then what is happening. if she doesn't turn up then that would be the end of access as far as I was concerned. let him take you to court to sort it out at his expense and to his time and trouble. she is his weapon to hurt you with but only if you play along. so don't. turn the tables on him. tell him, you want access then you act like a father. I wish my mum had done this. I would sooner have not seen my dad than had to deal with all the stress that each and every visit caused.

Do not stop contact. Do not engage.

When he tells your dd its your fault he's missed something, ask her to think about how you know what's going on in her life and if the roles were reversed you would rely him for information as opposed to making contact with the school etc himself

I would be knocking on his door Sunday morning with her swim stuff, telling him very loudly that she has a gala at x time and since he said he wanted an extra hour with dd then he ends to take her, then walk off

If you haven't sorted out access at Family Court, I'd be very tempted to do so. That way he can't dick around and add/subtract hours to suit himself, and someone will keep an eye on his shenanigans.

Think that is a good idea of another poster, to tell him from now on his daughter will text him re. events that are important to her - so he can't then pretend you never told him.

My youngest kids have a birth father that never bothers with them; never pays a penny for them and had a court order to deny him direct access because of his extreme and manipulative behaviour. Going to the Family Courts was stressful but worth every second of it, in the end, as it clarified the situation to the point he has no power whatsoever in it.

As others say, your daughter will either already have spotted that he's an idiot, or will do shortly.

My sons are 12 and 14 now and whilst I have never badmouthed their dad to them, if they ask me a question I answer with brutal honesty. So when he got to about 9 or 10, the older one asked me if his dad paid maintenance. I looked him right in the eye and said: "No, not a penny." No insults, but no varnishing either. Kids are clever enough to draw their own conclusions.

If I was your ex's present other half, I'd be concerned about the way he treats his child with you and indeed his child with her. There is a level of emotional abuse/manipulation going on. If she hasn't spotted this, she is deluded.

Call the swim team and explain the situation. Unless the coach is completely lacking in character and compassion he will not penalize her for circumstances outside her control.

Then, make sure you have it in writing when and where your DD's swim practice is. Tell him it's fine to keep her late, but this is her schedule. When he refuses to oblige, and he will, you have valid claim for court when not allowing him to have her on Sundays.

Document everything. Get a lawyer/solicitor now before the legal threats and proceedings kick off.