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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel a bit hurt and left out?

89 replies

MsMarvel · 03/10/2014 13:54

Last year myself, sil, mil Dniece and Dsd went to a show. It was a lovely evening.

Just found out that they have all booked tickets to go again this year. But not invited me.

I don't want to mention it to anyone, not even dp, because I'm probably being petty, and it's a nice thing for them all to do together as family, but I can't help feeling really hurt that I wasn't included as part of the family outing.

OP posts:
feelingmellow · 03/10/2014 16:16

I feel for you. Why don't you organise an outing just for you, your dh and your dsd (and your dn)?

NorwaySpruce · 03/10/2014 16:16

Are you trying too hard?

Many parents would be thrilled at the idea of a Grandparent taking their child out for the day.

Is your step daughter's mother still around? Perhaps the in laws don't want the child to feel her mother has been forgotten about.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2014 16:50

You can't invite someone to something one year and not the next and then talk about it in front of them without explanation

There is no getting around that.

Thoughtless at best, downright rude probably, nasty at worst.

I'd have to say something.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/10/2014 16:56

Oh OP I am so Sad for you. Nanny's got it right, thoughtless at best...

I can only think (hope?) that if they really had had a conversation like "oh let's not invite MsMarvel along this year" then they really wouldn't have the balls to actually discuss the event in front of you. I am hoping it is more a sin of omission, of assuming you are not interested. I wouldn't live with it though, it will fester. I would try to have a quiet word with SIL or MIL about it, find out what happened, then decide how upset to be...

Flowers
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/10/2014 17:03

Could they perhaps have forgotten you went before? It really does seem so mean.

moraf2 · 03/10/2014 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moraf2 · 03/10/2014 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moraf2 · 03/10/2014 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorwaySpruce · 03/10/2014 17:26

Lots of people out here moraf2.

Probably all thinking you should grow the hell up, or at least start your own thread.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/10/2014 17:37

Given that you weren't invited last year (well, you were after your DH asked/guilt tripped), then it isn't rude of them. They didn't want you there last time, and don't want you there this time. If you had a rocky relationship with them, it might be calculated, but I'd think they wanted some time just the four of them.
You aren't invited, but you're not being excluded, IYSWIM.

QuintessentiallyQS · 03/10/2014 17:41

Look upon it as a child free evening. Take your dp out for a meal and enjoy yourselves.

TartinaTiara · 03/10/2014 18:50

At what stage did DN ask if you were going along with them? Only, I'd have seen that as an invitation of sorts, and either said that I'd love to come if I could get a ticket near them, or (like you did) would say no. Maybe they didn't think of you when they were booking, maybe they didn't want to commit you to paying for a ticket without asking, maybe they're a coven of witches who are deliberately excluding you. I'd tend not to leap straight to the last explanation though; thoughtlessness is a lot more likely than deliberate exclusion.

backbystealth · 03/10/2014 19:04

I'm sorry you feel bad about this, I think given all the information they just do want a day by themselves. I guess they are implicitly telling you you're not family but hopefully this is not meant in an exclusive, unpleasant way, but just in a 'we like you but want days out by ourselves'.. Talk to your dp and chat it through with him. You'll feel better.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/10/2014 19:07

No you're not being petty at all. No-one like being left out. There's nothing worse than being excluded.

starkadder · 03/10/2014 19:39

I think if it were me, I'd just say - "do you mind if I come too? I really enjoyed it last year so I'd like to, but also, if it's something you guys want took as close family then I get that." Try to be as non defensive as possible. Because surely there's a strong chance that they haven't excluded you on purpose, and you might be overthinking it. You sound lovely by the way.

starkadder · 03/10/2014 19:39

"To do", not "took". Stupid phone Smile

Snatchoo · 03/10/2014 19:55

You're not being petty and I would be upset as well.

Everybody saying 'well maybe they assumed because you don't have kids' - really? So, if someone came on an outing last year, clearly enjoyed themselves, you might assume they didn't want to go this year because they still have no kids?!

I think that is just clutching at straws. Surely they would just invite you and let you decline like adults that are friends with one another. I fail to see how there could possibly be a 'strong chance' they haven't excluded the OP on purpose - because surely they would be up front about it?

iwaly · 03/10/2014 19:57

Is there a chance they "checked" with your DP and he said "oh no, its fine, she wont mind as she went last year" or something like that?? I think you should ask your DP if they mentioned it to him. Maybe for some reason everyone thinks you are okay with it - otherwise it is just extremely odd they blatantly discuss it in front of you - you would have expected them not to do that if they were awkward about it.

ithoughtofitfirst · 03/10/2014 20:18

Worrabunchobitches Shock

Yanbu.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2014 21:18

I can't think why they would leave you out AND be blethering on about it in front of you. It's very unkind. I don't know what you can do about it though? Confront - or keep silent. Neither are easy options.

Original poster
MsMarvel · 03/10/2014 21:21

The only thing I can think of is that because they are going on a Saturday this year, it's harder for me to get off work, so there is a chance that dp told them that. But if I had had notice from when they booked it I would have been able to get it off.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 03/10/2014 21:26

No it's off. I would be feeling the same as you.

phantomnamechanger · 03/10/2014 21:30

they are not really BU by not inviting you, people can make what arrangements they like to spend time with who they want (but I can see why it's a bit hurtful to you)

they are however being vvvu talking about it in front of you. That's like a tactless child going on and on and on about their birthday party to the one kid in the class who they did not invite.

Next year, why not book early for you, dp and dsd to go, without them?

sanfairyanne · 03/10/2014 22:09

if no other 'in law' people go, it wouldnt occur to me to want to go. it just sounds like you have different views of who is family. in laws of any kind go in the 'be nice to but not family' box for me.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2014 22:23

'be nice to but not family' box for me.

So presumably you don't invite them one year, then not the next and then talk about it in front of them?

Are you going to tell your DH MsMarvel? At the very least he should point out how rude they've been, whatever the reason.