Nanny situation - need quick responses please

[Tapdancingelephant]

I am a sahm, and have a nanny for various logistical reasons. I need reliability most if all (I have 2 children with ASD, and for obvious reasons messing around with routines upsets them).

We recently had a new nanny start ( 6 weeks or so). So far, she has taken one day off at extremely late notice ( post midnight notification, so I found out the next morning) for something avoidable, followed by an afternoon booked off at very short notice (reasonable but really could not have been worse timings, which she knew). We have all been ill for therapist week or so - usual small children back-to-school colds and coughs. Yesterday, nanny was feeling ill and I offered for her to go home (am happy to have offered, it was inconvenient, and I ended up with very distressed children but my call). She accepted and left, telling me she would text me to let me know how she was feeling.

I heard nothing, until I woke up his morning to a text, sent again after midnight, telling me she was still feeling ill, thanking me for letting her go home 'yesterday' (this is important, as indicated when she wrote the text) and saying she would be back on Monday.

I sent a terse reply, saying she could have at least given me better notice.

She has just replied, with a (imo) bullshit story about her phone signal dropping and the text automatically resending when back in signal. She alleges she sent the text at 5pm (so why say 'yesterday'?)

She is lying, isn't she? She has some personal stuff going on at the moment which makes me suspect she wanted extra time off, and this seems to point the same way.

WWYD? She hasn't been with us long, and should be doing her best to create a good impression.

How am I supposed to trust her with my children (who are severely disabled and cannot tell me anything reliably) if I cannot believe what she says?

WIBU to call her out on her apparent lie?

Ps the illness one if I hadn't heard from her by 9pm I would have called to have the "what do you think about tomorrow - ok you will see in the morning" conversation as it was a possibility considering that she had gone home sick - when I call in sick (twice in last year and twice with ds being sick we always leave the conversation as I will let you know in the morning - but then my employer isn't dependent on only me.

Tbh it sounds like you haven't been assertive enough as an employer and expectations haven't been set and communication has been poor so a bit on both sides probably - at least with the next one you will know what you want and how to assert that

I do honestly understand the sickness, and am not complaining about that.

I don't believe the sequence of events as she has laid out in texts, and this is what I have the problem with - if she is prepared to lie to me over being rebuked over notification timings, what happens when it is actually something serious?

The first absence was difficult. It is not my situation to relate, but initially she had to be involved. I question, given she has a job where she is relied upon, whether she had to be there all night/the next day. It was her call to make, and I think she made the wrong one. Not by itself a deal breaker, but as part of a pattern which seems to be emerging, not so good.

Couple it with a few niggles (as would happen in most settling in periods) and it all adds up to just a bit too much.

It's 9.30 on a Friday night. You should be relaxing and looking forward to a great weekend, not having to ponder whether your nanny is a liar. Get rid!

I will accept that I probably haven't been assertive. We do have a comprehensive contract, which covers pretty much everything (inc holiday notice period, amongst other things) and go through things exhaustively beforehand/at start of job.

After that, I am really hands off. I don't like undermining/being seen to undermine, and it assume that the person I have employed is able to think for themselves. I am approachable, if questions need to be asked, bit do not insist on things being done my way, and prefer to leave the. To their own devices.

Yes, this has highlighted a couple of things to me - mostly that you cannot assume people will behave reasonably, and maybe it will change how I approach this in the future. I don't know.

Wrt to not calling her - she told me as she left she would let me know later that day, so I assume she would. I am unwell too, and was in bed early that evening. I am unconvinced it is my job as an employer to chase an employee up on behaving reasonably towards me, tbh.

I was the dummy employer who thought the new nanny/ pa was very nice and said all the rights things so when she was off sick or other (increasingly unlikely) emergencies ... Until in 3 months she had only been at work 75% of the time, and I had paid her for all her missed days too as I thought she would eventually stop having emergencies and settle down.

She didn't. What a waste of time and money, and it turned my summer into a string of emergencies trying to deal with her no notice days...

Don't be like me!!!

I don't think its your responsibilty to be calling and checking whether or not your nanny will be in work the following day. As a professional she is fully aware of her responsibilities and she should have contacted you. She is responsible for managing herself.

As I mentioned above our nanny text me the night before saying she was still feeling ill but she would be in touch again in the morning before a certain time to let me know how she was.

But, for everything (illness, personal issues etc.) I still can't get away from the fibs. This woman is looking after your DC and you have to completely trust her. Plus if she lies so easily, what will she be teaching your DC.

Thank you, miscellaneous, that is exactly the kind of situation I want to avoid.

LittlePeaPod, your last paragraph sums it up for me. I don't think I can get past it either. I think I would be second guessing what she says for some time to come, and I don't want to be that suspicious person.

What ever you decide to do stop communicating with this and future nannies by text. Make it clear from the get go that you expect a phone call asap if they are sick.

She told the parent of a severely (?) autistic child that she couldn't come to work because he hadn't had enough sleep??

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Say "wrong audience love" and get rid while she's still in her probation period.

With regards to the late notice but - I work in a hospital and if we are out sick on day one then we have to let them know before 4pm on day one if we will be for for work on day two.

Yes it can be a bit daft (how will you know for sure) but I think most of us know if we are on the mend or not by then.

i think I would be second guessing what she says for some time to come, and I don't want to be that suspicious person.

Exactly. Why live like this in your own home. You have enough on without this! Personally, the only reason we have a nanny is to make our life easier, less stressful. Having an unreliable, potential lier in my home would just make my life harder.

I know I probably sound rash but this isn't just work, this is the person you are entrusting your DC to. Whole different ball game in my book.

Saintly, yep! (Am a nc-er. Am on your FB - have dd1 with severe ASD who sings, a LOT) There was a bit of backstory, but the end result was that she would be too tired to work.

A bit like the end of the week - she moped about with the same hideous cough/cold that the rest of us have (except dd1, actually, so she's still bouncing off the walls...) so sent her home to rest. And then of course, muggins here gets to do the rest of Thursday and Friday with them all on my own. Thankfully we are in a good sleep period, so apart from being up most of the night with a hacking cough I usually get enough sleep atm. Apart from dd2 who routinely deals with any of her school issues between the hours of midnight and 3am, but at least she is generally safe.

Oh god get rid! I had a volunteer once who was more work than DS1 - talked about her boyfriend constantly as well. Unreliability & ASD does not go together. Someone a bit needy & ASD also doesn't go together. She's not right for your family - you can do it nicely but I'd definitely terminate the contract.

Ha! Funny you should mention boyfriends... The reason I am so convinced her reliability will not improve (and will in all probability deteriorate) is boyfriend induced... I do not have the headspace for the drama that is about to happen.

Oh blimey no. It's such a nightmare finding someone new, but it doesn't sound as if this one is going to work out.

Update:

Had a chat this morning, and have let her go. Dh and I spent literally all weekend talking about it! as while she was clearly not a brilliant fit life is tricky without help, logistically. But ultimately, I think it was the right decision.
so, the search is on, onwards and upwards!

Well done!

I bet it was a relief to have done it too, I hate the bit before when it's all so emotionally raw and worrying, but the actual conversation is never as bad as it seems like it could be.

Its more stress and work to be being let down all the time than having no one there. It took me years to learn this, as a disabled working single mother, but it's true.

I've also learnt that if they fit personality/ attitude wise into the household, then it's worth another go, or even relaxing expectations a little. But if there is a disjoint with basic values/ lifestyle/ job expectations, then absolutely no point in prolonging the agony.

How did she take your sensible decision?

How did she take it?

It is a hassle to start over, but much less hassle than keeping her, you did the right thing

To be fair, she took it very well, and professionally. She wished us all the best for the future, and off she went.

It is a hassle to be searching again, but we really do need the right person. As said up thread, I don't have the headspace for additional drama or unreliabilty, and it isn't too much to expect that someone who is here to help doesn't create more drama.

That's good that there wasn't any foot stomping or tears.

Nope, it's not too much to expect, it's just a bit of a trial finding someone who wants to do the job and agrees!

Good luck.

Well done, wise move I think. Good luck in your search!

Good luck, OP, right decision. I once sacked a nanny after a unanimous "dump her" from mn. It's not a nice experience but the next nanny we found was superb and I wish I'd acted sooner. You'll be fine, you'll have learned from the experience.

Good luck Op and I really hope you find the right nanny for your family..