Nanny situation - need quick responses please

[Tapdancingelephant]

I am a sahm, and have a nanny for various logistical reasons. I need reliability most if all (I have 2 children with ASD, and for obvious reasons messing around with routines upsets them).

We recently had a new nanny start ( 6 weeks or so). So far, she has taken one day off at extremely late notice ( post midnight notification, so I found out the next morning) for something avoidable, followed by an afternoon booked off at very short notice (reasonable but really could not have been worse timings, which she knew). We have all been ill for therapist week or so - usual small children back-to-school colds and coughs. Yesterday, nanny was feeling ill and I offered for her to go home (am happy to have offered, it was inconvenient, and I ended up with very distressed children but my call). She accepted and left, telling me she would text me to let me know how she was feeling.

I heard nothing, until I woke up his morning to a text, sent again after midnight, telling me she was still feeling ill, thanking me for letting her go home 'yesterday' (this is important, as indicated when she wrote the text) and saying she would be back on Monday.

I sent a terse reply, saying she could have at least given me better notice.

She has just replied, with a (imo) bullshit story about her phone signal dropping and the text automatically resending when back in signal. She alleges she sent the text at 5pm (so why say 'yesterday'?)

She is lying, isn't she? She has some personal stuff going on at the moment which makes me suspect she wanted extra time off, and this seems to point the same way.

WWYD? She hasn't been with us long, and should be doing her best to create a good impression.

How am I supposed to trust her with my children (who are severely disabled and cannot tell me anything reliably) if I cannot believe what she says?

WIBU to call her out on her apparent lie?

Itsfab - I have no intention of treating her like an idiot. My whole problem is that I object to being treated like one myself!

Chipping - she has been a nanny to a sahm before (one reason why we thought she would fit well), and while I am 'at home' I am not a hoverer, or an interferer at all - very much the opposite. We have shared care at times, due to the nature of the job, but given the buy-ness of our lives, it is very much a divide-and-conquer situation, rather than an all-in-one-room with confusion over authority setup.

The shortcuts aren't really here or there - some obvious things like not getting the younger children out into the garden enough (they love it, and will be out there all weathers given the chance - and we've not even had bad weather!) despite it quite literally being a playground paradise. Other niggles over carelessness - toys broken, or pieces missing, a broken mug and a chipped plate - nothing spectacularly bad, but all irritating niggles which weren't happening before she was here.

It's really tough when it doesn't work out, but it doesn't sound promising does it :( It is really hard to find a nanny when you are a SAHM or a WAHM because no matter how 'hands off' or busy you are, it does change their relationship with the kids, the structure of their day etc It is much harder work then being left to it. But you are a SAHM and you need a nanny, so all you can do is hope to god the next one works out better!! Good luck

I think she is taking the p**s. I employed a nanny for 4 years to look after my disabled DD and after 2 years she had DS (who was later diagnosed with ASD) to look after too. In all that time I can only ever remember her having 1 1/2 days off and that was when she caught D&V off my DCs. SHe rang me at work in the afternoon to say she had been feeling ill all day and had struggled through but that she knew she really couldn't face making tea for the DCs.

I was at home for 6 months on Maternity leave during her employment and she never took advantage of the fact I was there. And as far as 'maturity' is concerned, I don't think age counts for everything. Our nanny was 19 when we employed her (had some previous nannying experience) but her life experiences meant that she was very grown up and handled the job with a great level of maturity. She still visits us now and keeps in touch with the children (youngest is 18 next month) and it makes her feel very old

OP You need someone reliable. If your nanny knows about ASD then she will understand that. If you want to be 'nice' give her a formal warning and then get rid if her unreliability continues.

I can see what you are saying, Chipping, but honestly, it's not that kind of sahm situation. There really is very little time where we overlap in the day at all, given the various different school runs/toddler groups etc, and even then it is for a firm handover, not sitting about/passing through and unsettling them when they are playing etc. after school is different, but then, there are so many different jobs that again it isn't a game-changing thing. But all by the by really.

Offtoseethewizard - thank you for,your perspective. I think most of all, if she were to stay she would need more hands on direction than I want to give. I have enought to do micromanaging the dc, and keeping on top of their various needs and school requirements. I don't need an extra person to mother as well (and this is something we stressed at interview, so not a surprise).

If you have questions over reliability at this very early stage, then let her go

This sounds exactly like a nanny that we had. It just got worse.

Have a stern conversation and see how it goes. What does it say in your contract?

I don't think anything other than the fact she is lying to you and she is so clearer unrealisable matters.

I honestly would sack her without blinking and replace her with someone much more reliable that doesn't lie to you.

I think you should have a serious word and if no immediate improvement, ask her to leave in the next few weeks. It does sound a bit like she thinks it doesn't really matter if she's there or not because you will be.
I do think as a general rule though that, as long as there are no other issues (and here it sounds like there are), it's not unreasonable for a nanny to be ill overnight or wake up feeling awful and to send a text that morning. Yes it's inconvenient for the parents but it happens. And I've employed a couple if nannies over the last few years.

I am at all bothered by her being ill. That happens to us all (although I would add that I am also unwell, with the same bug - we've all had it).

The timings I just can't get past - a text first thing in the morning as you have awoken ill - fine. A text at midnight, saying you won't be in tomorrow - either you have been so ill all day (as claimed here) that you knew long before midnight you wouldn't be in, or it's a situation (which we have all been in) where you think 'if I still feel,like this in the morning, I won't be going in'. To decide 8 hours ahead of time that you won't be going to work (but be unable to decide, say. 10 hours ahead) seems odd to me.

Contract-wise, she is still in her probation period, so standard weeks notice at any time.

She has replied, saying she felt so ill yesterday she wrote the text without thinking (re: the yesterday/today mix up).

It is all, just about, potentially plausible.

No, it isn't. It's absolute mince and is nothing short of treating you like an idiot. My reply would be 'What absolute nonsense. You don't get mixed up with stuff like that - if you were feeling ill, you'd be even less likely to do anything other than write exactly what you would say. I don't believe you and I like being treated like an idiot even less than I like being lied to in the first place. I am terminating your employment.'

I agree with nohooting - in our office you have to ring in if you are sick, that way it leaves no room for any misunderstanding.

However as you need to know the night before, then I'd ask her to ring the evening before, but on the understanding that the situation may change by the morning.

In this situation a final warning appears to be the way to go and make it very clear to her and any future nannies what your expectations are if she is ill, but also that her level of non attendance in a 6 week period is unacceptable.

You made me Castlemilk. Dh's words were similar earlier on.

On the one hand, it is all so clearly bullshit that I should just go with gut instinct. Initial text was not confused and delirious, but was chatty and reasonably well written.

On the other hand, she is having a few issues in her personal life, which would certainly be taking up headspace even without illness. But that's not my,problem, right?

Oh bollocks. Makes me want to just go back to doing it all myself, except it isn't fair on the dc being dragged around on stupidly long school runs when there is another solution.

When I first hired a nanny a for end told me if you think there is a problem early on then part company and get another. It only gets worse.
16 years later - it's Been fairly true for me too!
The vast majority of nannies know they are critical to everyone in the family and are amazing - the ones that aren't tend not to get any better with time.
Good luck!

Rookie, I don't mind the text rather than ringing. I do mind that both times she has been off at short notice, the texts seemed to be timed to arrive when she could assume I am asleep, and so won't get the text until I get up the following day. Mornings are chaos enough here, and if I am doing it myself, and having to take all dc out on all school runs, I have to get up at least half an hour earlier, hence the annoyance at waking up to such a text. In a genuine emergency, then fine. In a situation where she had clearly known for hours she won't be coming in, not fine. And I a situation where she is unsure, then the same applies - she should let me know she is unsure but will be communicating further in the morning. It's what any reliable person would do, surely?

I would also fire her and find someone else.

Texting at midnight to say you won't have had enough sleep is properly taking the mickey, unless she starts work at 3 or 4am!

OP when I said don't treat the nanny like an idiot it wasn't aimed at you!!

Get rid.

She's meant to be a childcare professional and she's acting like a someone doing you a favour. I'm also going to guess that if you have Dc's with SN then you need reliability and continuity more than most. Your DC's deserve better.
I've had a few great nannies and I can tell you now she isn't.

Fire her by text Sunday midnight so she doesn't get the message until Monday morning when she wakens for work. See how she likes being let down

ok bad idea

Funnily enough, chippednailvarnish, that's exactly the feeling I have had for a while (that she is acting as though she is doing me a favour, rather than being my employee). Interesting that you should say that.

I would dismiss and find someone else. It's a huge amount of time to have off in the first few weeks and it will only get worse.

I like the idea of firing her by text when she's asleep Sunday night. Mwah ha ha ha.

She's not a good fit, you'll only be causing yourself and dc extra trouble if you don't replace her asap.

Gosh - no one told me that not getting enough sleep was a good reason to not go to work.

(I have a one year old who doesn't sleep. And a job. I would never go if I insisted on 7 hours sleep. Or actually 6. 5 would be in roughly 50% of the time.)

She's treating you with casual indifference, hence my favour comment. Its just not good enough.

When I have been ill I would see how I was in the morning before deciding whether I was fit for work - this is the downside to nannies and childminders - nannies are humans and do get sick and don't know if they will be ok till the morning - sometimes it can pass, sometimes you feel dreadful on waking but a shower sorts you out and you are ok to go in. The first absences - well without knowing the reason I don't know whether you Abu but if it were anything other than a crisis you probably should have called her up on them then or said no to the absence - did you set a notice period for holidays? Sickness however depends on how ill she is - and that is something you have to gauge over time - if it is apparent that she is swinging the lead then let her go.

So it depends on whether you set out clearly expectations of notice, holidays and sick leave and the circumstances of her first absences as to whether Yabu not not IMO