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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nanny situation - need quick responses please

99 replies

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 09:29

I am a sahm, and have a nanny for various logistical reasons. I need reliability most if all (I have 2 children with ASD, and for obvious reasons messing around with routines upsets them).

We recently had a new nanny start ( 6 weeks or so). So far, she has taken one day off at extremely late notice ( post midnight notification, so I found out the next morning) for something avoidable, followed by an afternoon booked off at very short notice (reasonable but really could not have been worse timings, which she knew). We have all been ill for therapist week or so - usual small children back-to-school colds and coughs. Yesterday, nanny was feeling ill and I offered for her to go home (am happy to have offered, it was inconvenient, and I ended up with very distressed children but my call). She accepted and left, telling me she would text me to let me know how she was feeling.

I heard nothing, until I woke up his morning to a text, sent again after midnight, telling me she was still feeling ill, thanking me for letting her go home 'yesterday' (this is important, as indicated when she wrote the text) and saying she would be back on Monday.

I sent a terse reply, saying she could have at least given me better notice.

She has just replied, with a (imo) bullshit story about her phone signal dropping and the text automatically resending when back in signal. She alleges she sent the text at 5pm (so why say 'yesterday'?)

She is lying, isn't she? She has some personal stuff going on at the moment which makes me suspect she wanted extra time off, and this seems to point the same way.

WWYD? She hasn't been with us long, and should be doing her best to create a good impression.

How am I supposed to trust her with my children (who are severely disabled and cannot tell me anything reliably) if I cannot believe what she says?

WIBU to call her out on her apparent lie?

OP posts:

MiaowTheCat · 03/10/2014 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 10:58

X-posts re: the lack of sleep text.

NoSquirrels, again you have it just right. I am happy to be that type of flexible employer, and since I am a sahm, it is just about doable. But it takes 2 to make that sort of relationship work, and I am left feeling as though she isn't quite pulling her weight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 11:00

Miaow - that sounds sensible, and exactly the sort of thing would automatically work by myself. Of course no one has a crystal ball, but generally, by the time you are in your 30s (she is not young), you have a 'feel' for how ill you are, surely? And equally a feel for when it is reasonable to let your boss know.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 03/10/2014 11:07

Good luck. Don't compromise just because you feel there's no one else, or because you feel like your situation is unusually hard work, or whatever else you may feel. You will find someone better.

You need reliability over and above everything else. It's the second line of your OP, but it should be the first! Being a SAHM is secondary to this problem/situation. Make sure you are clear on that in your own head.

I have 2 NT DC, neither of whom are toddlers any more. And I find school runs bad enough. So I salute you. Keep going (with better help!).

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 03/10/2014 11:16

Check the text again. The time stamp comes from when it left the senders phone. Not when you receive it. If the system was down (or whatever bullshit she said) it wouldn't make any difference.

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 11:33

Yourma, my nanny is claiming the text didn't send until after midnight, yet she had written it at 5pm. Yet in the text, she clearly says 'thank you for letting me go home early yesterday'. If she had written it at 5pm as she says, then that wouldn't make sense, since it was the same day, iyswim.

I have replied, saying I don't believe the signal issues (given the language used as outlined) and that this raises trust and reliability issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 11:35

And NoSquirrels, for the lovely words.

We will find someone. It isn't actually such a hard job, just unusual. And yes, we need reliability.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 03/10/2014 11:48

Cut your losses Op. It isn't great to have an unreliable nanny and to boot, you don't trust her lying.

The lying is a huge issue for me. Would anyone actually want their DC been looked after by someone they suspect is lying to them? I doubt it.

We have a nanny and she has only ever gone off sick, once. But, she actually came to work then asked to leave because she started throwing up. She also text at 6pm that night saying she was still throwing up and probably wouldn't be in the following day but she would let me know by 7am.

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 11:53

Oh, it is all such a mess.

She has replied, saying she felt so ill yesterday she wrote the text without thinking (re: the yesterday/today mix up).

It is all, just about, potentially plausible.

But I am left with the feeling I am being lied to, and messed around, and to feel that in the first six weeks isn't good, is it?

LittlePeaPod - that is exactly the kind of communication I would expect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 11:55

She has also promised to make up the hours/days lost. But I don't need extra hours. I need the hours originally stated, in a reliable manner.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 03/10/2014 12:00

She has replied, saying she felt so ill yesterday she wrote the text without thinking (re: the yesterday/today mix up).

Was she delirious? I smell a big fat lie!

It's not even about making up the time. If you think she lied then you can't trust her. This on top of the unreliability in six weeks would be a deal breaker for me. If she is behaving this way now, what will she be like after the probationary period.

Personally, I would looking for a new nanny and giving her notice.

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 12:02

Well, quite.

And yes, it just seems as though it is lie after lie. And yes again, it's not about making up time.

Best get onto the agency, I suppose.

OP posts:

MagnificentMaleficent · 03/10/2014 12:04

But it doesn't matter - if she was genuinely ill the first time, and there was a genuine emergency that necessitated an afternoon off, she should have refused to go home when ill just to show willing!

She has had 2 separate occasions of illness in 6 weeks - that would get me hauled in to my manager at my employment under the pretence they were concerned for me

This won't get better.

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 12:07

She wasn't ill the first time - she was handling a situation (which had other solutions, but was a difficult situation) which meant she would be short on sleep. Which is what was unacceptable about the early/late notice that time - telling me at midnight she wouldn't be in due to the situation, when there were alternatives, was not on.

But no, I don't think it will improve. Ho hum.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 03/10/2014 12:07

There is a brilliant website you can go on Op. I can't remember what its called but I will ask our nanny and post it on here.

MiaowTheCat · 03/10/2014 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 12:13

She claims she wrote and sent it at 5pm - and then claimed dropped signal for the fact I didn't get it until after midnight. When I queried why she had used 'yesterday' if that was the fact, she then claimed illness/confusion.

It doesn't quite stack up either way. It is 'only' 3 days off in total, but that's in 6 weeks, which suggests a flexible attitude towards work to me. The corner cutting is also not the biggest issue in the world, but again, she's in her probation period - surely it should be all systems go for a great impression? Put it all together, and it's not the best picture, is it?

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 03/10/2014 12:15

As a comparison. Our nanny has had 2 days off in about 8 months...

LittlePeaPod · 03/10/2014 12:19

link to nanny website

www.childcare.co.uk/

Original poster

Tapdancingelephant · 03/10/2014 12:47

Thanks, LittlePeaPod. I have used childcare.co.uk before, but for my current area, I seem to get a LOT of 17 year olds thinking they can do the job and claim a 10 years+ salary. And we really need maturity (although granted that hasn't worked out so well in this case!) given the needs of 2 of the children.

I'll take another look, though, as you never know!

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 03/10/2014 12:50

That's a shame. We got our nanny from here. 42 years old, two child related degrees and proof of 20 year experience with references. Maybe we fell lucky but give it a bash again. You never know. Good luck.

Selinemaratima · 03/10/2014 12:59

IMHO I think your heart is telling you this girl is not who your family needs. She sounds quite finicky and flakey, and not really committed. Perhaps as you're a SAHM, she somehow feels unclear of her 'role' I'd be tempted to look at a mothers help position instead, it agree with the hit squad - cut loose. X

Itsfab · 03/10/2014 12:59

I have 2 days off in all my years of nannying which were about 12.

Irrelevant I know but a good nanny realises that if she doesn't do her job it definitely means someone else can't and does not take the piss.

I would be either being very gracious and give her the opportunity to walk away if she has any doubts about this being the right job for her or just sack her.

I once got sacked in a phone call 10 minutes before I was due to leave for my nanny job and really hated that the mother lied about the reason. Don't make a bad situation worse by treating the nanny like an idiot.

OP, I hope you find someone else soon as this person most definitely is not the right fit for your family.

Nohootingchickenssleeping · 03/10/2014 13:04

Since when has it been acceptable to inform your employer of absence via text message? misses point of thread

ChippingInLatteLover · 03/10/2014 13:08

Maybe she's just not cut out to be a nanny for a SAHP, it's a totally different kettle of fish and if she hasn't done it before she might be struggling, added to whatever else it is she has going on I don't think she's a good fit for you. I'd give her notice and find someone else.

You say there are some shortcuts she has been taking that you were going to talk to her about anyway - what are they?

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