To think that this isn't a normal au pair experience

[foreverondiet]

Ok am posting here as am quite prepared to be flamed if that's what everyone thinks.

So I found an au pair on au pair world and she arrived at the start of May. Plenty of communication in advance and I even prepared a detailed list of what the role was and also a contract which had a 6 week notice period. For the avoidance of doubt I was paying £140 for 30 hours which is fair /generous for an au pair, included all food etc, and also I said that I was happy for the role to be done over 3 days and therefore have 4 days off. She was 29 years old and from Canada. So no language issues and not a teenager. Not that it really matters to the story, but we paid her by bank transfer, gave her payslips, paid for nanny insurance, police check, first aid course etc etc.

The chores to be done when the children were at school were normal au pair type chores - almost all connected to the children - tidying their rooms, their laundry, food, toys etc. The general stuff was totally minimum - emptying dishwasher, moving washing from washing machine to dryer, and also hovering attic stairs and landing given she was the only person using the stairs and landing. And of course keeping her own bedroom, bathroom and (tiny) kitchenette clean.

When she arrived she looked nothing like her photo on au pair world, as she was about 4 stone+ heavier, but of course I said nothing I just didn't recognise her at the airport when I collected her. Also she told me she was gluten free but we took her out for lunch on the first day and she ordered a sandwich, but again I didn't say anything.

The first weekend we went to a little cottage at the coast, and she wasn't helpful at all - eg at one point I was walking on the beach carrying a folded buggy, 3 year old son and a rucksack and she didn't offer to help me. Or just watched while we looked after the kids, prepared and cleaned up the food etc. I guess she saw it as the weekend so she wasn't on duty but I did feel if she wanted to come with she could have been a tiny bit helpful. I put her down to her being shy.

As we settled into the routine, she basically refused to hoover the attic stairs and hallway and several times I had to ask her to clean the kitchenette and bathroom as it really was left in a vile state - slimey worksurfaces / overflowing bins / left food out / etc. Of course I never went into her bedroom.

Often I'd come back from work (she looked after the kids for the 3 days I worked after work so 3.30-6pm) and she would be play on her phone and the kids playing on ipad / ipod. If I asked her to clean kids bedrooms was always done in half heartened way. She always put the clothes away in the wrong cupboards - eg Thomas tank age 3-4 pants in my 10 year old daughter's drawer (although do see that might be harder to distinguish the blue school socks as they all look the same) but as there is 4 years between DS1 and DS2 its pretty each to tell whose clothes are whose.

We had a few meetings with her when we sat down and tried to explain about the chores (which were not onerous) but I guess I got used to having to do it all in the evenings. By this point I really wasn't keen on her and I guess it probably became obvious although I always tried to remain polite. I knew she was doing no where near the 30 hours (but I was at work so couldn't see what was going on - I work 3 days a week). I also knew that when she was "looking after the kids" it meant her playing on phone in same room as them.

Last Monday I lost it - basically came home - she is playing on phone, (DS1 is out at self deference), DD and DS2 play in own rooms on ipad and ipod. I said to her, please could you next week ask DD to do her homework before she plays on her ipod. But the au pair said no she couldn't as she wouldn't remember. So I said ok then please put a reminder on her phone, but she said couldn't. So I said did she need me to put a reminder on my phone and I could text her and she said no, sorry she would be too busy. And anyway she was 10 couldn't she remember to do her own homework.

I was pretty upset, so I posted a new ad on au pair world, and told DH that he had to speak to her as I didn't trust myself not to shout at her, and also I hate conflict.

Anyway on Friday she said she is going away for the weekend with her friend, and she'd be back on Sunday night after midnight (starts work at 7.30am Monday morning). On Sunday pm my parents are visiting and my mum says, (we only moved into our house a few months ago) I haven't seen inside the nanny bedroom can I have a look. I said well she is away but ok have a quick peek. So my mum goes it and the au pair has done a runner!

I get a whatsapp at 6.30am on sunday saying I am a complete bitch and she saw my add on au pair world and no she isn't coming back. I am so scared on making the same mistake again.

Ps. I've had slim fit au pairs be just lazy ;)

I employed one to be playing with my v young kids in the garden whilst I was breastfeeding number 3. Only playing, I asked nothing else from her, and she brought them in after 3 minutes to sit on the bed next to me with the iPad. There we all were, 3 kids, a mum and the aupair watching iPads. Ive been in the OP's position of being thoroughly frustrated but not having the energy/balls to sort it out.

For the OP, I would probably reclaim my home and use a shared nanny or after school clubs like someone else suggested.

I think the weight thing is a red herring, unless it is being used to suggest the au pair that turned up was a different person to the one who applied for the job.
The key issue is the communication. The au pair was lazy and unsuitable, but the OP did not communicate about her concerns clearly enough, nor about her intention to replace the au pair with another. The lack of communication meant a situation which was possibly salvageable (I don't know, and tbh it isn't really that relevant if it could have been salvaged or not) became impossible. The OP was in the wrong to advertise the post and plan to recruit someone else without telling the au pair and the au pair was wrong to just run off. Both responded poorly to the break down of communication.
The OP wants another au pair. As the host, it is incumbent on her to learn the lessons from this time round and deal with future au pairs better, or to decide that having au pairs is not the way forward for their family.

1. if someone posed as being 4 stone less than they actually are, I'd be concerened too. What else has she lied about? When it comes to childcare, you need to be active, and someone 4 stone overweight probably isn't - may have a bearing on her ipad activities when "looking after" DCs.
2. If she was on aupair world and saw your advert, then she was probably on there looking for another job - why else would she be on there?

You cant say someone is overweight on mumsnet without people getting hysterical

And frankly, the au pair could be sending the family silver home bit by bit and boffing your husband in front of the kids and on MN, you'd still be in the wrong for getting rid of her.

Lots of au-pairs do arrive thinking they are here for a holiday. One of my students wanted me to ask on MN, and find her a placement, and when I was going into detail with her she was "will the family cook my pasta for me like my Mum does?" and I said "er, it will probably be you cooking the pasta for the kids" and she changed her mind.

The picture the OP builds up is one of a lazy slob, and perhaps her weight is one of the reasons why

Nice. I'm slim. And could out lazy any 20 stoner any day.

The weight issue is a red herring. She chose a flattering picture of herself - not a hanging offence. It's not obvious she was deliberately misrepresenting herself - plenty of people are in denial about the amount of weight they've out on. Maybe she genuinely doesn't realise how much heavier she looks now.

I just think - pay bananas get a monkey. Sorry.

OP - just ignore the posters sniping at you. Honestly, you're lucky she left on her own accord considering how crap she was at her job. The fact that she is 29 and doing au pair work should be a bit of a red flag imo (I'm sure I will get flamed for pointing that out.) It sounds like she was looking for a new gig anyway, I think she was just using you as a way to get to the UK and then go off and find something she rather do.

Your contract sounds generous, especially 4 days off a week. Au pair work is not glamorous, let's face it. Doing household chores is a grind. I feel your odds will be better with a younger person who might be less annoyed about doing menial work in return for the opportunity to be in a foreign country. I had part-time jobs when I was a student that were physically tiring and I certainly wouldn't do them in my ahem, youthful thirties now.

"it was ending anyway and the fact that she did a runner rather than just be adult and admit it wasnt working is a sign of what you were dealing with."

Especially since we arent talking about a young, teen through early 20s student. We are talking about a 29 year old woman!

I suspect it was her photo, a number of years younger, hoping potential employers would go with the visual evidence of her as typical au pair age, and miss out the published detail of her actual age. A deliberate smokescreen. Au pairs are usually young, in a gap year, delaying a school year in lieu of travel, or just graduated and taking time to ravel. They usually can afford these years of living on pocket money and child minding because they have their parents home to fall back on, no need to earn an income. That a 29 year old is still doing this, and doing an impression of an irresponsible 14 year old sibling stuck unwillingly with the assignment, is odd. By that age, you would have thought she would have moved on to earning real wages as a nanny, nursery worker, other child related work, or something related to their degree.

Yes, ArsenicFaceCream hugely oversensitive!

If I am asked to provide a photo of myself it is obviously because the person asking for the photograph wants to see what I look like, the four stone weight increase changed the au pairs appearance so much that the OP didn't recognise her when she met her!

It's dishonest of the au pair to provide a photo that doesn't represent her physically at all and that is indicative of her character, the fact that she may have issues with her weight is a side issue; she chose to misrepresent herself.

Furthermore, if I were employing an au pair my personal preference would be to employ someone of a healthy weight as I don't feel an overweight au pair would set a healthy example to my children, perhaps the OP feels the same.

Given that the "au pair" was looking on the job site as well it is a bit rich to say the OP is out of order for advertising before talking to her.

Not necessarily. She might simply have forgotten to cancel her email/text alerts when a job becomes available.

I haven't read every post but why do people get in a flap about saying she was four stone heavier than in the pic? It was linked to the gluten-free and then suddenly not being. I took it more of a 'is this actually the same person' route.

As for the pay well £130 a week for part time work AND all her food and basically a flat as well? I earn a pretty good wage but I don't think that's to be sniffed at to be honest for what she was asked to do. As long as you have no debts etc that's quite a bit of money a month to have spare plus she could have got bar work etc when not on duty.

She wouldn't have lasted a week with me - the whole homework conversation I would have blown my top.

I think you need to take charge though - lay out exactly what is expected and be prepared to say something should you not be happy - you should have told her with the homework conversation that there were two choices - do what she is being asked to do (not unreasonable) or have her six weeks notice. No need to be a bitch but I learnt long ago with managing people that the 'I want to be your friend' approach doesn't work. You'll always get taken the piss of.

The au pair gained access to this country by having a job to come to. Now she has no job so she is an illegal immigrant, isn't she?

Should the OP report this?

Did you not do a Skype interview? I think for future au pairs I would recommend doing that - so you can at least see and chat to the person who will be living in your house and looking after your kids.
I wouldn't be happy taking on a job in a different country without skyping the family first. (I'm a live-in nanny).

You are definitely well rid though. Hope the kids are alright about it.

Yes, ArsenicFaceCream hugely oversensitive!

Strange and emotive choice of word.

If I am asked to provide a photo of myself it is obviously because the person asking for the photograph wants to see what I look like, the four stone weight increase changed the au pairs appearance so much that the OP didn't recognise her when she met her!

People are sensitive about certain aspects of their appearance. Height is another one commonly exaggerated. Ditto bust size.

The point is it doesn't have much relevance to what followed.

140 quid a week plus fee board and lodging for three days a week is pretty generous. The helping out outside of school hours would probably have taken her an hour or so each day. Hardly slave-labour. I work and don't have 140 quid a week to spend on myself.

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong and also think you've just had a bit bad luck. In your position I'd have been looking for someone else too so I don't blame you for putting an ad up either. She sounds awful and you're well rid.

Not a normal au pair experience, no.
29 is far too fucking old to be an au pair and she sounds like she wasn't a good fit anyway.

However, it is completely unacceptable to put an ad up without giving her notice first. I understand that you wouldn't want to be left without childcare but you have to remember it is her home and from her perspective she was going to be homeless and jobless potentially with very little notice.

Pay peanuts expect monkeys.

I did do a Skype interview but she said the camera on her laptop wasn't working. I have no idea if that was a lie or not. I have tried to make it clear, I didn't particularly care that she was overweight just it was odd that all the pictures were so old. Actually it did have an impact but probably not that important. She wouldn't take my kids swimming as wouldn't wear a swimming costume and she definitely struggled with things I would find easy - eg running after kids in the park.

re: The pay, it wasn't peanuts at all, it was generous for an au pair, many of my friends are paying £100 rather than £140, as I was trying to be reasonable. It was £140 plus food and mobile phone contract for 30 hours.

re: My mum having a peek, honestly that's the truth, I avoided going up there (the attic) as I got stressed whenever I did due to the state (ie very dirty - think overflowing bins, dirty plates, dirty toilet etc) If she hadn't looked we wouldn't have known until the Monday morning.

Yes you are right about the ad on au pair world - it was wrong, I should have said something first, but it takes time to find someone, and ideally I would have found sometime who wanted to start in 6 weeks time (as that was her notice period). In my defence I hate confrontation and so upset about the homework incident that I asked DH to speak to her, and basically give her a formal warning and say if there wasn't a change immediately then we would give her notice, but postponed the conversation. Plus also - clearly she was looking on au pair world and good luck to whoever's house she ends up in.

Again I was trying to be fair so we had 6 week notice period (many au pairs only have 2 weeks) which I would have honoured so she would have had time to find something else. Meanwhile she was happy to do a runner and leave me in the lurch.

re: immigration - its a Canadian 2 year working visa, and isn't dependent on having a job so no reporting anyone to anything. I would have called the police had she stolen from me, but I am not aware that she did. She did initially take the keys including car keys but she did return them when asked.

Are you absolutely sure the woman you picked up from the airport was the same one you had been corresponding with previously?

She sounds a bit like that American woman who ended up refusing to leave the house of her employers when they terminated her contract. Lazy, not doing her job etc.

Alis - no I was never 100% sure! I mean yes it was the same person, I did ask her why she told me she was gluten free, and she said, oh ideally I would be as gluten makes me ill but I have slipped into bad habits.

Nannynoos: re: the kids. My 4 year was sad for about 5 mins as to be fair he was the only one managed to make a connection with. 10 yo DD and 8 yo DS1 both said they didn't like her anyway. DD keen now to Skype new au pairs to check they ok as she doesn't trust me.

It really doesn't sound like the same person to me.

You are so well shot of her!