To think that this isn't a normal au pair experience

[foreverondiet]

Ok am posting here as am quite prepared to be flamed if that's what everyone thinks.

So I found an au pair on au pair world and she arrived at the start of May. Plenty of communication in advance and I even prepared a detailed list of what the role was and also a contract which had a 6 week notice period. For the avoidance of doubt I was paying £140 for 30 hours which is fair /generous for an au pair, included all food etc, and also I said that I was happy for the role to be done over 3 days and therefore have 4 days off. She was 29 years old and from Canada. So no language issues and not a teenager. Not that it really matters to the story, but we paid her by bank transfer, gave her payslips, paid for nanny insurance, police check, first aid course etc etc.

The chores to be done when the children were at school were normal au pair type chores - almost all connected to the children - tidying their rooms, their laundry, food, toys etc. The general stuff was totally minimum - emptying dishwasher, moving washing from washing machine to dryer, and also hovering attic stairs and landing given she was the only person using the stairs and landing. And of course keeping her own bedroom, bathroom and (tiny) kitchenette clean.

When she arrived she looked nothing like her photo on au pair world, as she was about 4 stone+ heavier, but of course I said nothing I just didn't recognise her at the airport when I collected her. Also she told me she was gluten free but we took her out for lunch on the first day and she ordered a sandwich, but again I didn't say anything.

The first weekend we went to a little cottage at the coast, and she wasn't helpful at all - eg at one point I was walking on the beach carrying a folded buggy, 3 year old son and a rucksack and she didn't offer to help me. Or just watched while we looked after the kids, prepared and cleaned up the food etc. I guess she saw it as the weekend so she wasn't on duty but I did feel if she wanted to come with she could have been a tiny bit helpful. I put her down to her being shy.

As we settled into the routine, she basically refused to hoover the attic stairs and hallway and several times I had to ask her to clean the kitchenette and bathroom as it really was left in a vile state - slimey worksurfaces / overflowing bins / left food out / etc. Of course I never went into her bedroom.

Often I'd come back from work (she looked after the kids for the 3 days I worked after work so 3.30-6pm) and she would be play on her phone and the kids playing on ipad / ipod. If I asked her to clean kids bedrooms was always done in half heartened way. She always put the clothes away in the wrong cupboards - eg Thomas tank age 3-4 pants in my 10 year old daughter's drawer (although do see that might be harder to distinguish the blue school socks as they all look the same) but as there is 4 years between DS1 and DS2 its pretty each to tell whose clothes are whose.

We had a few meetings with her when we sat down and tried to explain about the chores (which were not onerous) but I guess I got used to having to do it all in the evenings. By this point I really wasn't keen on her and I guess it probably became obvious although I always tried to remain polite. I knew she was doing no where near the 30 hours (but I was at work so couldn't see what was going on - I work 3 days a week). I also knew that when she was "looking after the kids" it meant her playing on phone in same room as them.

Last Monday I lost it - basically came home - she is playing on phone, (DS1 is out at self deference), DD and DS2 play in own rooms on ipad and ipod. I said to her, please could you next week ask DD to do her homework before she plays on her ipod. But the au pair said no she couldn't as she wouldn't remember. So I said ok then please put a reminder on her phone, but she said couldn't. So I said did she need me to put a reminder on my phone and I could text her and she said no, sorry she would be too busy. And anyway she was 10 couldn't she remember to do her own homework.

I was pretty upset, so I posted a new ad on au pair world, and told DH that he had to speak to her as I didn't trust myself not to shout at her, and also I hate conflict.

Anyway on Friday she said she is going away for the weekend with her friend, and she'd be back on Sunday night after midnight (starts work at 7.30am Monday morning). On Sunday pm my parents are visiting and my mum says, (we only moved into our house a few months ago) I haven't seen inside the nanny bedroom can I have a look. I said well she is away but ok have a quick peek. So my mum goes it and the au pair has done a runner!

I get a whatsapp at 6.30am on sunday saying I am a complete bitch and she saw my add on au pair world and no she isn't coming back. I am so scared on making the same mistake again.

Yanbu, she sounds more of a headache than help. Lucky she did a runner, saves you the trouble of getting rid. Seems like she was neglecting the kids too.

I think the weight is relevant. She lied about that by using an old photo. Also she was probably unfit to care for the kids. Maybe that's why she just didn't bother with them.

Op put it down to experience, you will now know what not to expect from the next one.

I was about to say it was mean to advertise her job before giving her notice, but she must have been looking for another job to have seen it. So I guess you weren't employer of the year.

Weight not relevant, I just mean v odd to post pictures on au pair world, linked in and facebook that look nothing like you. Its possible it wasn't even her, it really didn't look like her.

I agree, the au pair was dishonest at best, deliberately lying at worst.

clearly she lied about the gluten. that's in no doubt.

I agree with those too that say to know about your ad, she'dd have have been looking herself. also that her doing a bunk is good, because she's done you the favour of having to go through the process of getting shot of her.

why did you use the on line route? there are many uk based au pairs who will have references and histories.

your children deserve better than a dotcom stranger.

To answer some questions - the duties are normal of an au pair, the job was mainly childcare before and after school. The pay was more than many of my friends pay. I was not asking her to clean the house. I need an au pair and can't do after school clubs as there aren't any available and neither me or my husband can take days off if the kids are ill and we don't have family to ask.

Of course I didn't want her to work on her day off. I just thought that if she came on a family trip she would be a teeny bit helpful, just like any friend would be.

For the avoidance of doubt, I asked my husband to ask her if she wanted to leave, and to say it wasn't working out so unless she had a change of attitude and behaviour over next two weeks we would start the notice period. Of course I would have honoured the notice period.

Sounds like there were issues on both sides ,but frankly you weren't after an au pair but a cheap nanny for 3 days a week - which is obvious as you even say in the OP that your mum asked to see the nannys bedroom . If you need a nanny ,get one and pay accordingly .

can we go easy on the fat = unfit to do job route?

many MOTHERS are overweight, and still more than capable to do way more than an aupair has to do.

the relevance here of the weight here is about truth/honesty and her misrepresentation.

I think that Delphine31 has probably hit the nail on the head :

"Trick is to try to find an au pair who wants to do the job because they love kids as well as wanting to experience living in a new country, rather than someone just looking for a free roof over their head while they 'do' the UK."

It seems as though she was treating it as a holiday.

Maybe look for someone a bit younger, probably still a student looking to broaden their language skills/experience of another country, whilst having the security of living in a family home and earning a bit of money.

Yanbu to think this person was not doing her job/ side of the bargain. You did a lot more than necessary with nanny insurance, six weeks notice rather than four and you pay well.

I have had three really great au pairs and have always gone through an agency. For me it's worth the one off expense.

YANBU. She sounds like a nightmare! I disagree with the poster that said it wasn't important that she didn't keel her personal space clean - it's part of your house so of course it's important (and just generally respectful!) she sounds lazy and like she was after a holiday rather than a job. You're well shot OP.

Perhaps try a different route than this website next time?

The weight thing is relevant, I would be wondering what else she'd lied about if she was happy to misrepresent herself in that way before she'd even started.
I do think it was wrong to advertise her post before speaking to her, but tbh she's done you a favour clearing off, she sounded a nightmare.

I'm not sure those suggesting that op gets a nanny are being v helpful. She obviously has a space in her house conducive to having a live in au pair, which is a lot cheaper than a nanny. Why should she pay 3x as much for a nanny when she can leverage room and board at her house to obtain more affordable childcare? I don't use au pairs myself but I have seen situations where they work and become like part if the family. I don't see why you can't try again and hope for someone better?
It sounds like you're actually quite a generous employer op, so as long as you're being honest about the level of duties expected of an au pair in your house then I do not think YABU.
My dh's boss pays an au pair about £100 a week for full time childcare and housekeeping which I think is taking the piss. But then he's a tight as a ducks arse so I feel v sorry for his au pair!

However the au pair was also perusing the site presumably looking for another job! Not necessarily , maybe a friend tipped her off. Is she eligible to stay in UK with no job? You came home at 6pm but no homework had been done , not exactly the end of the world imho.

Op, this is not a normal au pair experience on many levels. I had 7 au pairs back in my time (over about 8/9 years, all contracted for a year each) and none were like this; in that bunch we did have one disaster who was sent home pdq but the vast majority were just normal nice young people who chipped in with good will; didn't become part of the immediate family but maybe like an older distant cousin.

However, I would be very suspicious of a 29 year old from Canada who wanted to be an Au Pair - much au pairing is a sort of gap year with learning english thrown in for free. Her age in particular just doesn't ring true for au pairing.

Good luck next time.

Sounds like you are definitely well-rid.

I've been an au-pair, and your terms sound more than generous!

Definitely sounds dodgy and to me, sounds like she was after an easy way into the UK for whatever reason. I am guessing she needed a visa to come? (I only worked in Europe so didn't have any of that faff)

The difference in appearance is relevant, as others have said, because it shows the whole thing was misrepresented. Was it definitely the same woman from the pic?

Good luck next time!

Sadly it sounds like a pretty normal au pair experience. Sorry but a tedious job living with a foreign family for a teensy wage is never going to attract the best people.

I think the only thing the OP did wrong was not to speak to the au-pair sooner about the fact that she was clearly not doing what she was employed to do.

If you get another one op, you'll have to toughen up and speak to them if things aren't going well.

Surely the weight reference is to highlight mis information, same as including the gluten thing?

Or are the professionally offended present?

For the avoidance of doubt, I asked my husband to ask her if she wanted to leave, and to say it wasn't working out so unless she had a change of attitude and behaviour over next two weeks we would start the notice period. Of course I would have honoured the notice period.

Did he actually do it though? That is unclear.

It sounds as if she found out from the website. If that's incorrect, and she only saw the ad after your husband spoke to her, well, she can be upset but you weren't being U.

BTW, I love the fact that your DH gave her her marching orders, but you're the bitch?

I have never had an au pair but I have several friends who have. Some of them have had experiences like this, but most haven't. No it's not normal, move on to the next.
Yanbu by the way, she sounds dreadful. Lazy, dishonest, sulky and incompetent.

I think you got an imposter! bet the real gluten-intolerant au pair is still back in Canada. ..

I think that you needed to communicate more clearly from the start.
So when the au pair did not meet expectations early on, you needed to spell it out. Not as a request to do the things you required, but making it clear that the tasks were non-negotiable. (Such as getting children to do their homework)
You needed to make clear early on, that this working relationship could only continue if she met these requirements, and when she didn't meet them,to give her warnings and a timescale to meet the requirements by, or the end of the job.

It sounds like this working relationship would have ended at some point. You were not satisfied with her. You needed to make that explicit and to be give her notice and you needed todo that before advertising for another.
She was clearly wrong to refuse to do her work and to run off.

Like these things often are, it sounds like a failure of common expectations and communication.

Au pairs are not without their troubles. They have baggage and are not always great at doing the domestic tasks you require, but those things are less important if they look after the children well. If there is good communication and a bit of give and take on both sides, some of the failings of both au pair and host family can take on less significance too....because there is goodwill,which is so important in the relationship and difficult to re-build.

To avoid this in future, be clearer about the expectations. Have a weekly review of how things are going, every week for the first 6 weeks. Be honest about things that are not satisfactory. Decide which things are worth insisting strongly on and which things you can be more flexible about. Be prepared to listen to their thoughts too at those weekly meetings.

And if after 6 weeks things are bad, be prepared to get someone else. Yes,it is is very inconvenient and expensive, but it is so important to have someone who can do the things you need them for,especially when they live in your home. Be open and honest throughout. Give praise for the good things and for improvement. Be willing to help the au pair settle/meet people/ travel to language classes etc. Be willing to be patient. But expect a willing attitude in return. And if it isn't working, be very clear about that and the consequences to follow.

No it's not a normal experience. You probably should have given her notice before advertising her job but that doesn't take away from the fact that she wasn't doing her job. You were paying her very well for her hours and were correct to expect a certain standard of work, your tasks were well within normal au-pair jobs. I have had great experience with au-pairs, some were better than others but all managed to do basic tasks to a reasonable standard e.g fold and put away washing,stack an empty dishwashers, make some pasta, empty school bags and prepare snacks for the next day, bath and change the children after school. Others took on more in time such as supervising play dates and homework and listening to reading but those came as they got to know the children and were never part of their core role.

Don't be put off. When you find the right person it can be a v nice relationship, my last au-pair has just left after 2.5 years and still babysits and phones / whatsapp's the children all the time.

You are well rid. And I don't think advertising for a new au pair before giving her notice was inappropriate. It can take longer than the 6 weeks notice period to find a good au pair. I wouldn't tell my employer that I'm looking for another job before handing in my resignation, why should it be different if you are the employer?

mrsPiggie
The relationship between an au pair and the host family (because that is what they are, rather than being a straight forward employer) is different. For one thing, the host is providing accommodation for the au pair,usually in a foreign country. Looking for another au pair, means the existing one will lose their home as well as their job. No matter how poorly the au pair has behaved, the host family are responsible for them, and to be advertising for a New au pair,without telling the existing one that they could soon be homeless is simply wrong.
The key reason these relationships break down is a lack of communication and honesty. If the host has decided the au pair fails to meet expectations, having been given opportunities to address the issues, they need to be told.

The host is not purely an employer. They are there to provide a 'family' for the au pair whilst abroad. There is the expectation that they will,partake in some family activities and that the host will help the au pair in the new country. It could be compared to a distant relative coming to stay with the family,to help out, in return for a summer of exposure to British culture. So the hosts are expected to help facilitate au pair travel, language lessons, meeting people. They need to accept they are usually young and inexperienced in domestic chorses and childcare. However, the au pair has to be willing to learn and in return for being hosted and receiving pocket money, to meet the needs of the family,which is why they are hired.

It is disappointing that this au pair turned out to not be meeting her side of the bargain. Clearer communication probably would have helped, but the end result of her leaving would have probably been the same. However,mI think it is essential that the Hosts continue to behave as the adults in the relationship and treat the au pair properly regardless. And advertising their job, without mentioning it, is not proper treatment, no matter how they have behaved.
The relationship had clearly broken down already. Whilst I'm not condoning what the au paid did, I am not entirely surprised that on finding someone else was being looked for, without the employer having the courtesy to tell her, she decided not to hang around for the final month or so it took to find someone, but felt betrayed by an unsupportive employer and vanished.

Treat people right, regardless.