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Original poster

To think that this isn't a normal au pair experience

97 replies

foreverondiet · 03/10/2014 00:32

Ok am posting here as am quite prepared to be flamed if that's what everyone thinks.

So I found an au pair on au pair world and she arrived at the start of May. Plenty of communication in advance and I even prepared a detailed list of what the role was and also a contract which had a 6 week notice period. For the avoidance of doubt I was paying £140 for 30 hours which is fair /generous for an au pair, included all food etc, and also I said that I was happy for the role to be done over 3 days and therefore have 4 days off. She was 29 years old and from Canada. So no language issues and not a teenager. Not that it really matters to the story, but we paid her by bank transfer, gave her payslips, paid for nanny insurance, police check, first aid course etc etc.

The chores to be done when the children were at school were normal au pair type chores - almost all connected to the children - tidying their rooms, their laundry, food, toys etc. The general stuff was totally minimum - emptying dishwasher, moving washing from washing machine to dryer, and also hovering attic stairs and landing given she was the only person using the stairs and landing. And of course keeping her own bedroom, bathroom and (tiny) kitchenette clean.

When she arrived she looked nothing like her photo on au pair world, as she was about 4 stone+ heavier, but of course I said nothing I just didn't recognise her at the airport when I collected her. Also she told me she was gluten free but we took her out for lunch on the first day and she ordered a sandwich, but again I didn't say anything.

The first weekend we went to a little cottage at the coast, and she wasn't helpful at all - eg at one point I was walking on the beach carrying a folded buggy, 3 year old son and a rucksack and she didn't offer to help me. Or just watched while we looked after the kids, prepared and cleaned up the food etc. I guess she saw it as the weekend so she wasn't on duty but I did feel if she wanted to come with she could have been a tiny bit helpful. I put her down to her being shy.

As we settled into the routine, she basically refused to hoover the attic stairs and hallway and several times I had to ask her to clean the kitchenette and bathroom as it really was left in a vile state - slimey worksurfaces / overflowing bins / left food out / etc. Of course I never went into her bedroom.

Often I'd come back from work (she looked after the kids for the 3 days I worked after work so 3.30-6pm) and she would be play on her phone and the kids playing on ipad / ipod. If I asked her to clean kids bedrooms was always done in half heartened way. She always put the clothes away in the wrong cupboards - eg Thomas tank age 3-4 pants in my 10 year old daughter's drawer (although do see that might be harder to distinguish the blue school socks as they all look the same) but as there is 4 years between DS1 and DS2 its pretty each to tell whose clothes are whose.

We had a few meetings with her when we sat down and tried to explain about the chores (which were not onerous) but I guess I got used to having to do it all in the evenings. By this point I really wasn't keen on her and I guess it probably became obvious although I always tried to remain polite. I knew she was doing no where near the 30 hours (but I was at work so couldn't see what was going on - I work 3 days a week). I also knew that when she was "looking after the kids" it meant her playing on phone in same room as them.

Last Monday I lost it - basically came home - she is playing on phone, (DS1 is out at self deference), DD and DS2 play in own rooms on ipad and ipod. I said to her, please could you next week ask DD to do her homework before she plays on her ipod. But the au pair said no she couldn't as she wouldn't remember. So I said ok then please put a reminder on her phone, but she said couldn't. So I said did she need me to put a reminder on my phone and I could text her and she said no, sorry she would be too busy. And anyway she was 10 couldn't she remember to do her own homework.

I was pretty upset, so I posted a new ad on au pair world, and told DH that he had to speak to her as I didn't trust myself not to shout at her, and also I hate conflict.

Anyway on Friday she said she is going away for the weekend with her friend, and she'd be back on Sunday night after midnight (starts work at 7.30am Monday morning). On Sunday pm my parents are visiting and my mum says, (we only moved into our house a few months ago) I haven't seen inside the nanny bedroom can I have a look. I said well she is away but ok have a quick peek. So my mum goes it and the au pair has done a runner!

I get a whatsapp at 6.30am on sunday saying I am a complete bitch and she saw my add on au pair world and no she isn't coming back. I am so scared on making the same mistake again.

OP posts:
MrsPiggie · 03/10/2014 10:29

^mrsPiggie
The relationship between an au pair and the host family (because that is what they are, rather than being a straight forward employer) is different. For one thing, the host is providing accommodation for the au pair,usually in a foreign country. Looking for another au pair, means the existing one will lose their home as well as their job. No matter how poorly the au pair has behaved, the host family are responsible for them, and to be advertising for a New au pair,without telling the existing one that they could soon be homeless is simply wrong.^
I have to disagree. The OP was going to honour her notice period, it's not like she was going to put the au pair out on the streets at short notice - that would have been terribly wrong. But this case is no different from telling her her services are no longer required because, e.g. a parent has lost their job and can no longer afford an au pair. In that case I would have offered whatever support she needed to find a new family or make travel arrangements to go home, but I wouldn't have felt compelled to keep her on just because she was a a young person in a foreign country.
Regardless of the special status of an au pair, people essentially employ them because they need help with the children. Not everyone has the luxury of having long gaps in childcare because their au pair has left and they haven't had enough time to find someone else. You have to look after your own interests, and if that involves advertising before firing her then so be it.

DeWee · 03/10/2014 10:53

The weight issue and the gluten intolerance thing would make me wonder if you don't have the real person. How unlike her photo is she? Makes me wonder if she accepted a job, yours also came through, so she offered it to a friend/sister/cousin.
Did you see her passport or any official information that would have to have the correct name on?

Dh tried the "I can't tell dd1 and dd2's clothes apart" trick. I showed him a very special magic trick to sort it. You look at the age/size labels. If the age is dd1's age hey presto... the item belongs to dd1. If the age is closer to dd2 then abracadabra the clothes belong to dd2. His look of "humph , can't get away with that" was very funny.

FuckOffFerret · 03/10/2014 11:07

Maybe ask why it's fair to ask an aupair for their weight rather than comment about how "they misrepresent" themselves. What other job do you have to do that? The questions they ask on aupair sites are really personal and totally unrelated to the job, it makes you wonder why people hire them...

ArabellaTarantella · 03/10/2014 11:12

No, Chipping is right - why is the weight relevant?

Because the AP was being deceitful even before she got there. And, it could have been a different person. That's why !

Tryharder · 03/10/2014 11:14

She sounds horrendous but your comments about her weight were unnecessary and irrelevant.

Moreover I didn't think Canadians were allowed to come over and be au pairs? Did you check her visa?

ChocolateWombat · 03/10/2014 11:14

MrsPiggie
But why wouldn't you tell them you were looking for someone else? In what way could it be better for them to find out, in the way this au pair did? Surely the host family are MORE likely to be left without childcare, by behaving secretly and being found out, than by being honest. The au pair vanished into the night, because she was furious to find her job advertised,without having been told. Yes,the working relationship was close to coming to an end anyway, but it was the deception which caused her to run away.

You are right that disasters happen, which mean employment has to be terminated, such as death or job loss or whatever. However,the host then needs to be honest about the situation and treat the au pair correctly,giving notice etc.

This seems to me to be a case of the au pair behaving badly, the host not handling it very well, communication breaking down and the host then generating a situation which led to the au pair leaving suddenly. Tbh, I think the host wasn't surprised the au pair had left. Going to look at the au pairs room,because the hosts mother just asked for a quick look,sounds a bit far fetched to me. I think the OP suspected the au pair had cleared off and was checking. The relationship was in such a bad way,that it wasn't entirely surprising.
Again, not condoning the behaviour of the au pair or her running off. Must recognsing that the way the OP handled it (including the job advert) exacerbated the situation.

sezamcgregor · 03/10/2014 11:18

I've not read the thread yet, but when I saw your OP, I wondered if the person that you had at your house and the one you were previously corresponding with are the same person.

NoImSpartacus · 03/10/2014 11:37

Some of your are so over sensitive. The comment on weight v relevant, she misrepresented herself, indicative of her character providing a photo when she didn't physically look like the person in the photo. Four stone is a big weight increase.

OP she sounds an utter nightmare and you are well rid. I think the people who have chimed in saying she had a lucky escape are a bit sour because you are obviously quite well off. Jealousy brings out the worst in people.

Greyhound · 03/10/2014 11:54

I think are both at fault, although the AP obviously behaved badly.

First of all - agree with those who wonder why you thought her weight was an issue.

Secondly, it sounds as though she was expected to do quite a lot of housework. However, leaving her room like a pigsty was not acceptable.

I think it was wrong of you to put in an ad for a new AP without telling her or asking her to leave - I actually think that's a pretty shitty thing to do.

Anyway, she's gone now so I hope you get a suitable replacement.

Delphine31 · 03/10/2014 12:18

I spent a year being an au pair in my mid-20s. I would have absolutely loved to be the OP's au pair. The tasks sound very reasonable to me. I worked a lot more hours and every single minute of those hours was spent getting through an unrealistic list of tasks both whilst the children were at school and once they were home. I would literally be running from one task to another trying to get through the list of jobs. Yes, I was a complete mug but the upside was that I lost lots of weight with all the stress and running around!

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/10/2014 12:26

Some of your are so over sensitive. The comment on weight v relevant, she misrepresented herself, indicative of her character providing a photo when she didn't physically look like the person in the photo

'Over sensitive' spartacus? It's an analytical point to remark that the weight thing is immaterial.

It is NOT 'indcative of her character' that she chose a flattering or slightly out of date photo. The most it says is that she is sensitive about her body image.

whataloadofoldshit · 03/10/2014 12:26

She misrepresented herself re weight and eventually called you a bitch. You're well rid!

Deedeecupcake · 03/10/2014 12:29

I have been in the au pairs position before. The woman I was working for was awful!! I was still getting emails from aupairworld and logged on and found the advert there online. It was awful. I said nothing for about a week, until one of the kids said that they didn't have to listen to me any longer as their mum said I'd be gone next week. I did exactly the same as your au pair did, I upped and left and I have no regrets. I still to this day have no idea what I had done wrong!
Your au pair was not doing her job properly at all, but I can see why she left over the advert. You were basically making her live in fear of when you'd found her replacement and you telling her she was to go home. It's not a nice feeling

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2014 12:30

Yanbu at all. She misrepresented herself, and she basically sounds as good as a chocolate tea pot. I personally woukd have not left it for so long, but I would have given her notice earlier.

piratedinosaursgogogo · 03/10/2014 12:30

About twenty years ago I went to Italy as a 'mother's help'. I had had a telephone interview and the host family had seen my photo and paperwork. In my photograph I had long hair but by the time I went to Italy I had had it cropped (Demi Moore in Ghost length) When the host mother collected me at the airport, she looked horrified when she saw me and she proceeded to tell me she was unhappy as she had wanted someone who looked feminine with long hair. She also complained to the agency. She expected me to walk behind her toddler at all times to show him he was important and wear her fur coats as she didn't like my coat. Needless to say I had left within a week.

My point being, rightly or wrongly, appearances do matter if people feel like have been 'deceived'.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2014 12:31

I would have given her notice first, then posted on Au pair world, not whilst she was still working.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2014 12:33

Pirate that would not have bothered me, but the weight issue, especially I have an active toddler and you need to be on his case, or he causes devastation.

Itsfab · 03/10/2014 12:39

Given that the "au pair" was looking on the job site as well it is a bit rich to say the OP is out of order for advertising before talking to her.

I used to be an au pair and no way was the job properly explained to me. In the second month I was given more duties in such a way that they thought I knew it was my job when I was most definitely not told about it.

There were numerous things I did that were not part of my job but as a decent person who likes to help I didn't mind.

Don't be put off, don't discuss what happened with potential au pairs and have a much shorted notice period.

Figamol · 03/10/2014 12:44

Actually I think the weight thing is relevant. When looking at ads we're looking for young healthy girls that have the energy to run around after our kids who would also take the time to be active with them rather than leave them sitting around on iPads etc. The picture the OP builds up is one of a lazy slob, and perhaps her weight is one of the reasons why. Sorry to be blunt.

Her response to you trying to get her to get homework done is simply jaw dropping. To say that you can't do it because you're busy is astounding, she should be busy doing what you ask in those working hours!

Helping someones whose arms are full and struggling would be kind behavior, whether they're working or not, and that is a gesture we would expect from any normal person with us on a day out, paid or not.

Ive had au pair girls, some are lazy and are just an extra child, some are fantastic and kind and energetic but lack any common sense or instinct on how to help make your life that little bit easier. Just as my own kids have chores, a girl who is a paid guest in your home should also chip in.

Ok it didn't end great and in these stories there is usually some blame to be taken on both sides, but it was ending anyway and the fact that she did a runner rather than just be adult and admit it wasnt working is a sign of what you were dealing with.

Hope you learn from it and have better luck next time x

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/10/2014 12:49

The picture the OP builds up is one of a lazy slob, and perhaps her weight is one of the reasons why. Sorry to be blunt.

Ah, you're sorry to say that Fat = Lazy. That's nice.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2014 12:51

I agree Fig, she sounds bloody lazy and can't be bothered attitude. Ok she was hypocritical looking on au Pair world presumably for a new job, op should have been upfront with her when she first found tge kids playing in their rooms with their I pads.

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/10/2014 12:55

The OP wasn't upfront at all.

Live-in childcare wil lnever work if you bottle straightforward communication when it's needed.

This could have been handled much better.

The mum 'just having a peek' at the 'nanny's room' all sounds contrived as well. A touch of unreliable narrator, perhaps?

Figamol · 03/10/2014 12:55

Actually I think the weight thing is relevant. When looking at ads we're looking for young healthy girls that have the energy to run around after our kids who would also take the time to be active with them rather than leave them sitting around on iPads etc. The picture the OP builds up is one of a lazy slob, and perhaps her weight is one of the reasons why. Sorry to be blunt.

The homework story is jaw dropping. Surely she should be busy with what you ask her to do during those work hours!

Helping someones whose arms are full and struggling would be kind behavior, whether they're working or not, and that is a gesture we would expect from any normal person with us on a day out, paid or not.

Ive had au pair girls, some are lazy and are just an extra child, some are fantastic and kind and energetic but lack any common sense or instinct on how to help make your life that little bit easier. Just as my own kids have chores, a girl who is a paid guest in your home should also chip in.

Ok it didn't end great, she shouldn't have gad to find out like she did and in these stories there is usually some blame to be taken on both sides, but it was ending anyway and the fact that she did a runner rather than just be adult and admit it wasnt working is a sign of what you were dealing with.

Hope you learn from it and have better luck next time x

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/10/2014 12:57

Felt the need to repeat that fig? Hmm

Figamol · 03/10/2014 12:58

No fat does not equal lazy at all. Thats a generalization you have taken from my comment, I did not intend it this way. But in this case of her au pairs behaviour, I suggest it was one of the reasons. I don't know many young fit au pairs that would think it normal for kids that they truly care about for them to be on iPads instead of down the park or in the garden.