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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to put fresh sheets on son's bed -aged 17

107 replies

Claybury · 02/10/2014 17:53

I've stripped it completely & returned him a pile of clean linen. Last night he slept on the bare mattress as he couldn't be bothered. Today he's still saying he won't bother.
I can hold out - I don't care if he's uncomfortable but he's going to ruin the mattress !
It's typical of him, he won't help around the house at all. At all.

OP posts:
whois · 02/10/2014 23:37

Mum probably would have offered to do it with me as a teenager, that way it gets done and it's not a big chore.

A lot of MNers would think that was pandering to the teenager though! I turned out quite independent and alright at changing bedding even though it's a chore I hate.

I do remember a few years ago when I was sitting my final professional exams, and working hard at work as well as revising every hour. I had a little cry on the phone to my mum and I think it cumulated in me saying 'I wish I was at home, there's no food in the house and I haven't changed my bed sheets for weeks and I'm so tired'. She didn't come and change my bedsheets but she did pay for a surprise ocado shop of lots of tasty ready meals and expensive fruit and stuff so I could eat some decent food while revising. She is a total super star.

moaningminnie2 · 02/10/2014 23:39

'If you teach them how to do basic things for themselves you can send them off to university much more easily because they know what to do!'

oh come on, nobody has to be taught how to change a bed.It is not rocket science!

wooooosualsuspect · 02/10/2014 23:40

That's lovely whois. I think mnetters are extremely harsh on teenagers.

wooooosualsuspect · 02/10/2014 23:41

I love how everyone on MN assumes all teenagers go to university.

KatieKaye · 02/10/2014 23:45

Life is too short to not make a big deal out of a 17 year old not doing basic things like changing his own bed!
Life is too short to change a 17 year olds bed because he is too lazy to do it for himself.
Put it this way - why shouldn't he spend 5 minutes a week doing this? What possible reason could anyone give for his brattish behaviour? It might be his bed, but it is in your house and I bet he didn't buy it or the bedding.

Life isn't actually short at all and there is still time to help this boy become a useful person who does his share around the house instead of expecting his DM to run around and do everything. At some stage he will leave home and live independently. At the moment he doesn't sound like he's capable of that. Do you want him to spend the next 70 years living in squalor because he can't be bothered, or he's too busy or whatever this weeks excuse is?

DiaDuit · 02/10/2014 23:49

'Everyone' on MN?

Also, university isnt the only situation in life that teens need to prepare for. There's the whole 'being an adult' aspect that comes whether you go to uni or not. Well, for most people. Some seem to have found an opt out for that. Hmm

KatieKaye · 02/10/2014 23:55

Oh come on, Minnie. Try reading the thread and don't quote something and then critique it in a point that was not actually made. It's not rocket science.

I said "teach them basic things". I did not say "teach them how to make a bed". Obviously that is not difficult to do. Nor is responding to actual points made rather than making them up.

Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 00:02

Sod the bed. His mum asked him to help carry in the shopping and he said no and went upstairs? On what planet is that OK- and even in the same universe as not changing his bed??????

Babiecakes11 · 03/10/2014 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKaye · 03/10/2014 00:15

You sound lovely, babie.

Very caring, capable and considerate. I bet your DM is very proud of you. She's given you a great foundation for the rest of your life.

BeCool · 03/10/2014 01:49

I can't think why on earth you would be making a teenagers bed for them let alone a 17yo.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 03/10/2014 02:01

Oh couldn't give a stuff at changing the sheets for my kids at that age. Of course I did.

However not in a million years would my dss or my dds refuse to help with a job if me or dh asked them.

It's family life. We all take care of each other.

The not helping you op is horrible. The bed irrelevant.

ChippingInLatteLover · 03/10/2014 02:06

Last week I asked him to bring some shopping in for me. He said no and went upstairs

Shock

...and you let him treat you like this????????

He's going to be a real catch that one.

Not.

differentnameforthis · 03/10/2014 02:27

But how many on here can honestly say they had to bribe their teenagers with a wifi code every step of the way in order to get them to cooperate.

Look, we didn't have wifi when I was a girl. We didn't have computers, mobile phones ate either.

My mum told me to change my bed, I did it. I was stripping it 10 & remaking it at about 12, as I remember.

I don't use threats in this house, my kids know if they want ME to do stuff for them THEY have to do stuff in the house. They don't have to change beds, because it didn't occur to me to start doing that with them yet, but they are expected to do other stuff. They are 6 & 11, and I hope they will continue to see that everyone pitches in. If not, then we will be falling out & I will be giving less in the way of home comforts & letting friends hang out etc.

Cook dinner when rota'd to, because then no-one eats and everyone will hate you. Love it

nooka · 03/10/2014 02:30

My ds (15) would like to opt out of doing stuff around the house, and he will often get peeved when asked/told to help, and is sometimes slow off the mark but he knows that if he outright refuses he will be in serious trouble. So he doesn't (yet!).

He and his sister (14) do their own washing (including bedding) help with household cleaning and have a turn at cooking every week. No specific bribery but it's part of the deal of living with us, getting pocket money and generally being looked after fairly well. I can't remember the last time either of them had to be sanctioned, although ds has come fairly close for being stroppy and having a bad attitude. We do have the occasional showdown, but I see that as part of normal parenting really.

LoopyLoopyLoopy · 03/10/2014 03:27

Change wifi name to 'change your bedding you lazy sod' then when shopping beds to be brought in, change to something appropriate. Make it funny but also make a point

melika · 03/10/2014 15:34

Teenagers are oblivious to you struggling to carry shopping, I have to make a point of asking! But....if they are after something, they become the most sensitive creatures on earth.

I would change the bed and tell him, stating that you did it. Remind him often, at every conversation, he will never forget it.Wink

Hakluyt · 03/10/2014 15:37

"Teenagers are oblivious to you struggling to carry shopping,"

No they aren't. I hate this assumption that teenagers are insensitive clods.

If that's what you expect, then that's what you will get, I'm afraid.

LittleBairn · 03/10/2014 15:40

If he's dedicated to studying and he needs the Wifi then turn it off, the bed will soon get made if he really cares.

mkmjimmy · 03/10/2014 15:44

My step son does this in his twenties - his room is a hole, no sheets on the bed - laundry (done by his dad) all mixed up on the floor. Huge sulks if asked to help out with anything. I can't stand it and have stepped away from it completely - if his dad wants to do everything for him he can. But even his dad has stopped now. Finally something seems to be getting through - but really slowly. He's away at Uni now so only have the holidays to worry about. God knows what his Uni room is like.

starfishmummy · 03/10/2014 15:55

I would just remove the bed.....

LeftRightCentre · 03/10/2014 16:00

You are enabling him to be a lazy, entitled skank. And nowadays, thankfully, many more women are being brought up not to put up with lazy, entitled skanks.

wobblyweebles · 03/10/2014 17:52

Teenagers are oblivious to you struggling to carry shopping

I have one who is oblivious and one who isn't.

OP. I would want the mattress protected if he's going to sleep on it without sheets. I'd probably buy a really nasty uncomfortable plastic mattress protector and put that on just in case.

Or I'd take away the wifi password.

MrsKoala · 03/10/2014 18:51

This is something i do still now if i feel too tired to make the bed and dh would never have bedding on if i didn't make it (he'd sleep in his sleeping bag on the bed or even on the floor quite happily).

I know it's not the MN view, but i never understood parents angst about what their children do in/with their rooms. I suppose it depends on how you see their room and the furniture in it, do you consider it to be theirs or do you think you are letting them use your stuff till they leave? It just seems so controlling to me.

As someone who grew up being reminded i was living in someone elses house and not paying my way, i felt incredibly frustrated and not really welcome. I think this view is unfair - as a teen (i left at 16) you can't contribute or purchase your own bed etc. Therefore you never really feel like that is yours or that you have control over even small aspects of your life. Personally i never want my children to think they are lodgers in their own home.

However, i think there is something very different between not making your own bed in your own personal space and not contributing round the house - the not helping with the bag is outrageously unkind rather than lazy - if my ds was that uncaring towards me i think i may cry.

If it were me i would defo address the not pulling weight communally and the unkindness, but i would leave him to his mattress quite happily. I would also not do the laundry for him either at that age - if he wants to live the way he wants then let him. Let him be more independent and don't worry what he does with his bedding.

Out of interest, (genuine question) how does sleeping on the bare mattress ruin it?

Lucyccfc · 03/10/2014 21:26

I am still amazed that children/teenagers are so molickodled by their parents and especially Mothers.

Go through the AIBU threads and see how many women complain that their husbands do nothing around the house! This is because their bloody mothers did everything for them as kids/teenagers.

My DS is 9 and has done his share of stuff round the house since he was about 5. I will not be inflicting a useless man on a future wife. This weekend he will be stripping mine and his bedding, hoovering upstairs, doing a white wash, folding the dark washing and sweeping the leaves from the front path. That's in-between going to the cinema and going out for lunch and probably a few games of FIFA on his X-box.

No point waiting until they get to 17 to start moaning about it.

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