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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to put fresh sheets on son's bed -aged 17

107 replies

Claybury · 02/10/2014 17:53

I've stripped it completely & returned him a pile of clean linen. Last night he slept on the bare mattress as he couldn't be bothered. Today he's still saying he won't bother.
I can hold out - I don't care if he's uncomfortable but he's going to ruin the mattress !
It's typical of him, he won't help around the house at all. At all.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 02/10/2014 19:15

But how many on here can honestly say they had to bribe their teenagers with a wifi code every step of the way in order to get them to cooperate.

Are you kidding? Have you spent any time on the teenager board? Plenty of parents had/have to do far more than withhold the wifi code! It is perfectly normal to have to cajole teens into pulling their weight. Some teens dont need it, just different personalities, but it is not extreme in the slightest to have to impose sanctions/consequences/privileges in order to get the required behaviour. Dont you know any other teens/ parents of teens?

bigTillyMint · 02/10/2014 19:15

Put a waterproof cover on the mattress and clean bedding. Then leave him to it.

TBH, I would be happy to do stuff like that (well my lovely cleaner changes the bedsWink) for my DC if they are actually working hard on school work. I wouldn't be happy if they refused to help bring in shopping though - that's not a big deal and it's good to help each other out.

DiaDuit · 02/10/2014 19:18

I'm actually quite shocked at how odd this idea of you giving a bit of a nudge seems to you. Have you just coasted through his life until now?

Haffdonga · 02/10/2014 19:28

You are 100% right Claybury .

Do not make his bed for him - that way laziness madness lies. The only thing you have to crack now is giving less of a shit than your ds about the state of his room. The minute he clicks that you care more than he does about his unmade bed, you will find yourself in a battle of wills that only he can win.

Slowly introduce a few logical consequences for non-sheeted matress though. (e.g of course he wont be able to take any friends in his room; you'll have to remove the duvet and pillows from the bed because they'll get dirty and unhygienic; he might have to pay for his duvet to be dry-his cleaned etc).

Just make it easier for him to choose to make his bed and tell himself he's done it because he wanted to, not because you forced him to.

Been there done that Wink

itsbetterthanabox · 02/10/2014 19:31

My mum wouldn't let me go to bed if I didn't put the sheets on first. If I had tried to go to sleep without putting them on she would have come in and removed my duvet and pillows!

KatieKaye · 02/10/2014 19:35

We didn't bribe houseteen with wifi - we just switched it off. And when she came down to see what was happening, told her what she had to do to get it put back on. that isn't bribery - it is showing a teenager that there are consequences. And that's an important lesson for them to learn.

You are making excuses for DS. It takes less than 5 minutes to make a bed and I cannot believe he spends every waking hour working for his a levels. And by not following through with appropriate punishments for his bad behaviour (because refusing a reasonable request from a parent is bad behaviour, whether he is 7 or 17) you are enabling it to continue.

I'd tell him the bed has to be made by 9pm or there will be no wifi access for the rest of the weekend. And then stick to your guns. He can always go to the library if he's really desperate.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/10/2014 20:43

I second the suggestion of a waterproof mattress cover. A plain plastic one, none of that quilted-fabric backed by plastic! Vv uncomfortable to sleep on. I raised 2 sons (God help me) and they at least put on the bottom sheet rather than sleep on plastic. Every so often (rarely) I'd make up their beds with nice fresh bedding and when they said 'Ooh, that's so nice' (who doesn't love fresh bedding?) I'd remind them that they could have it weekly if they wanted, only they'd have to do it themselves. Eventually they'd do it at least once a month. Still gross, but not as bad as a bare mattress!

lomega · 02/10/2014 21:02

My friend who still lives at home with his dad openly admits that if his stepmum strips his (filthy) bed off, he will just sleep on the mattress with a bare duvet because it's too much bother to make it up with fresh linen. His SM is often frustrated to the point of tears with his total lack of help around the house. He is in his late 20s too. Makes me rage inside.

itsbetterthanabox · 02/10/2014 21:12

Why doesn't his father do it..

melika · 02/10/2014 21:19

Sorry, I would give in. FGS it's a bed, you don't want it ruined by his sweat etc. He will only learn when he leaves home, you are flogging a dead horse. Believe me, no amount of nagging works, I can't stand the stink!

I know I'm no Emily Pankhurst but I draw the line at stink.

specialsubject · 02/10/2014 21:43

mattresses are not cheap. As he is wrecking his, remove it. Maybe the bed too?

and the door to the room while you are at it.

BTW I've shared accommodation with entitled little skanks like this. It isn't fun and my thoughts were 'who brought this disgusting brat up?'

moaningminnie2 · 02/10/2014 21:46

Why don't you both make it and both make yours too, it's a lot quicker, easier and more motivating to change beds with 2 people

moaningminnie2 · 02/10/2014 21:47

When they are 18 and go to uni , you really regret all the trivia you fought about.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 02/10/2014 21:56

Moaning my DC are only 4.11 and 16m so you may well be right. However at the moment I have to say that if either of them go to uni thinking they don't have responsibility to take care of their own basic cleanliness and living arrangements the thing I think I would most regret is failing to equip them for life as a reasonable memberfof society, which IMO is the fundamental job description of a parent.

YoYoYooooo · 02/10/2014 21:58
Grin

When they are 18 and go to uni , you really regret all the trivia you fought about

yeah, but you will LOVE LOVE LOVE how clean and tidy the house is

amicissimma · 02/10/2014 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BobbyDazzler1 · 02/10/2014 22:31

Don't cave in whatever you decide to do. I disagree with isits. Life is definitely not too short for battles like this. As parents we're there to make our children responsible. I feel especially strongly about boys who aren't pulling their weight, as I have observed that they become men who expect a free ride in the home, and this is such bad news for any long term relationship. Make sure he pulls his weight. It's a mum's job to shape their child in to a decent adult.

Molio · 02/10/2014 22:32

I just do all the beds for my DC but I know that if I asked them they'd change their beds and not quibble. But I don't ask. I don't have a particular issue with it. They've also all had jobs while still at school and the eldest four have all gone off to uni and survived fine. Life's just too short. This isn't major.

Chatelaine123 · 02/10/2014 22:36

As specialsubject suggests, remove the bedroom door. It can be returned when he has learned some respect for you, the way you want to run the household, and himself.

temporaryusername · 02/10/2014 22:37

Lots of people just don't care. You can teach them life skills but they don't have to use them. I say this because at college/in flatshares I noticed a few people (it was all males tbh but probably some females do this too) just slept with a mattress and blanket. I'm sure it wasn't because they couldn't work out how to put the sheet on. I was a bit shocked but left them to it. Thinking about it, why didn't I say anything Confused?

deakymom · 02/10/2014 22:37

if he ruins the mattress who cares its his mattress

skylark2 · 02/10/2014 22:59

"if he ruins the mattress who cares its his mattress"

Really? I consider the furnishings in my house to be mine, even if they're mostly used by one of my kids.

I have caught 15 year old DS sleeping on the mattress because he CBA to put the sheet on. I wasn't impressed. I now check he's done it. I honestly can't remember the last time I did it for him - he might have been eight? I used to help him with the duvet cover after that age, but a fitted sheet is easy.

KatieKaye · 02/10/2014 23:26

If you teach them how to do basic things for themselves you can send them off to university much more easily because they know what to do! And then you sit back, enjoy the peace and the tidy house.
That is what parenting is about - prepRing your DC for the real world and how to play a part in that world. Things like basic hygiene play a big part in this. It is not hygienic not to change your bed or to sleep on a bare mattress because you are too lazy or spoilt to do so. You do your children no favours by pandering to them like this unless they are going to be surrounded by servants to pick up after them.

wooooosualsuspect · 02/10/2014 23:31

Life's too short to make a big deal out of changing his bed.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2014 23:35

I'm still Shock at him not helping bring in the shopping.

That's not lazy, that's rude and unkind.

Do you cook his meals? With the shopping he refuses to help with?

Oh.

And him choosing to work hard at school is no excuse. Or does he really have no social life at all? And if he does, do you facilitate that?