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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... not to take ds back to school this afternoon?

92 replies

greenbananas · 02/10/2014 13:15

He has had a hospital appointment, was seen unusually quickly, and we have just got back.

As we were leaving the house at 9.45am this morning, I got a phone call from the school, asking why he wasn't in. I told the teachers last week about this appointment, and also mentioned it to the TA yesterday.

I was told that since the appointment was (late) morning, I should bring him in this afternoon, otherwise it would go down as unauthorised absence.

When I told the teacher about the appointment last week, I explained that I thought it would be unnecessarily disruptive to ds into school just for 45 minutes in the morning and an hour in the afternoon, so would be keeping him off all day.

I don't drive, and there is no easy bus route to the hospital from where we live, so we have walked (about 40 minutes each way). Ds is six years old, and quite tired. He's missed lunchtime at school so is currently eating sandwiches.

I suppose I could rush him through his lunch and get him into his uniform - but this seems really unfair on him, especially as weren't expecting to be back so soon and one of his friends is arriving at 2.30 to play with him.

Think I'm just going to take the unauthorised absence on the chin. Dragging him back to school now does not seem very child-centred to me.

However, I do understand why schools have these rules, and the school are normally brilliant about absolutely everything.

I suppose I'm feeling guilty now. .. and also letting of a bit of steam, cos I was looking forward to an extra hour playing with ds and his friend when he would normally still be finishing school.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Waltonswatcher · 02/10/2014 14:35

My children are doing really well academically ,are popular and excel in sports.
I am chill about attendance issues . Always have been . I'm the mum who keeps them off with a sniffle .
Kids do need time out sometimes . Childhood shouldn't be a treadmill .

Calaveras · 02/10/2014 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lacksdirection · 02/10/2014 14:50

It depends on how often your DS has medical appointments.
My DD has at least 1 medical appointment every 3 weeks. I ask that her appointments are first thing or last appointment of the day to ensure she spends as much time as possible at school.
There is no time to relax at home on the days of her appointments. We either leave the house much earlier than usual to get to the first appointment and she is taken straight to school afterwards, or she is taken to school and picked up to go straight to the last appointment before going home, because school has finished by then.
DD is 6 too.
Can you make the appointments at a time where they mean your DS would have the least amount of time off school?
How often does he have medical appointments?

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:53

doesn't that strike you as odd cala? does your boss require you to take your medical appointment letters to work as evidence that you had an appointment? when you're off ill are you not allowed to self certify for the first five days?

yet a parent can't be trusted to say her child is going to the doctors without evidence for file or threats from the school? an adult can self certify and get paid sick pay on the basis of saying 'i was will', a child who is not an employee and doesn't get paid must have evidence to have a day off. crazy.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:56

better yet - a teacher can go off for 4 days by phoning up and saying, 'i'm ill' and get paid whilst a parent taking their child out for a day for an appointment has to provide evidence. honesty it's quite insane how heavy handed schools are and overpoliced parents are now. i also find it insane the amount of people volunteering to police others there are on here.

the nation is becoming a strange old place.

redskybynight · 02/10/2014 15:00

We have to take in appointment letters too.

To be honest I think schools have got worse because some parents take the p*ss. Every time there is a thread on MN about a parent thinking of taking their child out of school, there will be a chorus of "just ring in sick".

tiggytape · 02/10/2014 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vanillavelvet · 02/10/2014 15:08

HoneyBadger, if an employee is requesting time off work to attend an appointment then yes, the employer would be well within their rights to request to see the appointment letter.

Self-certifying because you are ill for 4 days isn't the same as requesting time off to attend an appointment.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 15:13

and yet i've never had an employer request that. have you?

so employees can be trusted (despite their being pay involved) but parents can't be trusted. what's the message i wonder? parents, don't be thinking those kids are yours or you get to make decisions? or, parents we get to call the shots feel small? not a pleasant working relationship whatever the reason.

vanillavelvet · 02/10/2014 15:19

I've always provided the information anyway, without being asked to. Employers are entitled to request to see evidence of all appointments (which includes things like ante-natal appointments), if you are asking for time off work to attend them.

If my child is off school for 2 days due to illness I've not been asked for evidence of the illness.

I see time off for appointments and sickness absence as two separate things.

Dinnerfor1 · 02/10/2014 15:21

HoneyBadger I am a teacher and have been asked to provide proof of appointments.

OP, you should inform the office of any absences or appointments, as it them who will note it down, rather than teachers. It is nice when parents let me know their child won't be in, but I always ask them inform the office as well.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2014 15:24

Why does his friend arrive to play with him a full hour before he actually gets home? And does she and her mum stay in your house while you go and collect him? Sounds a little unbelievable to me...

That has to be one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever read on here!

Is the OP only allowed to see her friend plus child when her DS is there? Or can the child amuse itself whilst the friends chat before the school run?

And are they not allowed to stay in the house on their own? Will they trash it? Or do they sometimes go with the OP to school?

Why on earth should that be 'unbelievable'?

Tchah!

Original poster

greenbananas · 02/10/2014 16:08

Thanks again everyone.

NannyOgg you're absolutely right, bless you, my friend comes to see me, and her daughter plays happily with DS" until it is time to collect DS1 from school. Sometimes she comes with me, leaving her mum in the house chilling out with a cup of tea and minding DS2 for me, sometimes she stays with her mum, it all depends on how she is feeling. I have no idea why anybody would think that's unbelievable

DS doesn't have many hospital appointments - maybe two or three a year. Mostly they are in a city which is 60 miles away from us, so he has to have the whole day off. We have never been asked for the appointment letter before (although we do always copy the school into the feedback letters that we get, as they need those for his care plan).

Today was just a routine hearing test, and was at our local hospital. I felt completely wrongfooted, and really guilty, as I had no idea this would be classed as unauthorised absence. I had told the teachers, and didn't realise I would need to tell the school office as well (can't remember if I had to do this before, but I don't think so).

I think that if I had gone to the headteacher in advance, explained that we needed to walk each way to the hospital and back, that we wouldn't be back until the afternoon, that DS would need lunch afterwards and would be tired, she would probably have been happy to authorise the absence. She has always been sympathetic and reasonable in the past.

Honeybadger* you home-educate don't you? I considered home-educating DS1, but he wanted to go try school first. Turns out it suits his personality to be there, and he loves it. He's confident and happy there, and learning beautifully (by which I mean interested, asking questions, talking about things he has learned when he gets home). Today is the first time I have questioned my decision to send him! but now that I've calmed down, I realise that this is just a bit of paperwork tick-box nonsense that doesn't affect DS in the slightest.

Silly of me to get upset really - I know of course that the school do have rules to follow and that some parents do take the mickey with unauthorised absence. I suppose I'm just offended at being lumped in with all the feckless parents who disrupt and confuse their kids by taking them out of school at the drop of a hat - which is snobbish of me when I think about it.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 02/10/2014 16:14

Because you called it a "playdate for your ds" in your op... If you'd called it "my friend coming round for coffee" it would have sounded completely different (and indeed, it would be completely different)

Muchtoomuchtodo · 02/10/2014 16:20

I think YABU. I'd have taken something for lunch with us and then taken him to school as soon as possible after the appt.

In future you need to put the information in writing to his class teacher in advance of the appt. Around here, if they have frequent absences for medical appts it's common to be asked for proof of each appt.

Original poster

greenbananas · 02/10/2014 16:20

Floggingmolly, it is a play date and it is also my friend coming round for coffee. The two are not mutually exclusive! My friend's little girl is quite happy playing with the baby for half an hour before the end of school. It's convenient for them to come at that time.

Where on earth is the problem?

OP posts:

Original poster

greenbananas · 02/10/2014 16:24

Muchtoomuchtodo I thought about taking the usual packed lunch, but there is nowhere for us to sit and eat it. We certainly couldn't eat it in the waiting room. If we traipsed all the way down to the hospital cafetiere and cracked open our packed lunch, I think there would be some raised eyebrows and it would also have made us later back than we were. I took flapjack to keep them going on the way back, and they ate that as we were walking.

Don't know why I'm defending myself really. Thanks again to all of you who said I was NBU - and thanks also to those who disagree for taking the time to give me your views.

OP posts:

LocalVelvet · 02/10/2014 16:28

YANBU. I treat any trip to hospital with dcs as a chance for a day off, with time to spend doing something nice as hospital generally not fun.

So, don't feel bad. Time with you will be remembered long after all this unauthorised absence bollocks ??

AmIbeingafanny · 02/10/2014 16:31

YANBU. It was only an hour he was missing. Next time you have an appointment say you don't know what time he will be back as you often have to wait. Tell the school tomorrow you were delayed and there wasn't time to get him back to schoo

waithorse · 02/10/2014 16:34

YANBU. Some of the responded have made me

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 16:35

yes i do greenbananas. hope he carries on enjoying school. i didn't mean to be critical about school it's just that i'm glad to be free of this kind of thing. i also used to be a teacher so doubly glad iyswim

KoalaDownUnder · 02/10/2014 16:49

YANBU

I don't understand the logic behind the whole 'unauthorised absence' business in UK schools at all. Or the 'lunchbox policing', for that matter.

Schools over there seem to have a bizarre amount of control over things that would seem to be the parents' domain.

Original poster

greenbananas · 02/10/2014 16:53

Thanks HoneyBadger. Yes, it's great that he enjoys school. On the odd few days that he hasn't wanted to go, I have said to him that I would love to home-educate him and he could stay at home all the time if he wants to, but that if he chooses to go to school then he has to go every day. He always gets his uniform on and goes without a murmer after that.

I'm not surprised you're glad to be free of all the this kind of thing. Sometimes when I am racing around getting everybody dressed in the mornings, I think how lovely it would be to do sums in our pyjamas at the kitchen table. Very often, when DS asks to go to the museum or city park after school, or out for a walk in the evenings, I'm sad to have to tell him there isn't time to get there and back, that I need to get him fed and sleeping at a reasonable hour "because it's a school night". Oh well...

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 02/10/2014 17:03

YANBU

Although

Were I you I would have told them that with travel and inevitable waiting he would be out of school all day

You should have formally notified the school office.

My kids, however, are borderline obsessional about school attendance they didn't get it from me, so I would have had to traipse them in both ends of the day.

NickiFury · 02/10/2014 17:03

I would do and have done this and don't think twice about it. In fact I am taking dd away mid week next week and will pay the fine gladly if I am fined. I find the stern and Po faced attitudes regarding UA on here laughable.

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