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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's normal for parents to be more protective of daughters

158 replies

cadburykingdom · 30/09/2014 09:31

I know my parents were more protective of me than my brothers. I'm more protective of DD than DS. All of my friends growing up with siblings reported similar.

I have a friend now who disagrees and says they shouldn't be and it's not normal but I would think it is.

Girls are more vulnurable and go through so much more so it makes sense.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 30/09/2014 15:19

As most of us are, I'm raising my boys to be gentlemen. Many times I have heard "I thought that women were supposed to be equal, mommy?" when I tell them they must let ladies go first, give them their seat, etc. It's a fine line.

You can teach girls to hold doors. We'll be teaching DD to hold doors for people and to be polite. I've held doors for men and they appreciate it as much as the women I hold doors for do. Actually I get more thank yous from men than women, but that's beside the point.

Why not just teach them it's good to be polite to everyone?

Vivacia · 30/09/2014 15:20

Perhaps fathers are more protective of DDs because they know what they were like as a young man? ;)

Jesus.

MrsDeVere · 30/09/2014 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 30/09/2014 15:22

I will teach my Son to hold open doors for people. All people regardless of sex.

DuelingFanjo · 30/09/2014 15:22

I mean regardless of gender!

MrsDeVere · 30/09/2014 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 30/09/2014 15:23

You were correct with "sex" Dueling, however I am coming to accept that the meaning of the word "gender" has changed and I just need to accept that it now refers to male or female.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/09/2014 15:27

Almost every person I know who has had a baby girl has made a comment along the lines of 'She's not going anywhere until she's 25' or 'If any boys come knocking I'm going to be there checking them out'.

I can't stand it when people say stuff like that. Really. It makes me think they are odd.

DuelingFanjo · 30/09/2014 15:28

"Perhaps fathers are more protective of DDs because they know what they were like as a young man? ;)"

herein lies the problem.
As I said earlier there are always comments about baby girls not being allowed out until they are 25, never or rarely is this said about boys and that is presumably because boys going out at 16 is not seen as a problem nor a threat to their own safety.

It's a horrible conditioning which puts a teenage girl getting pregnant up there as worse than a teenage boy getting someone else pregnant. Both might be seen as problematic but it is unfortunately the girl who will get the shitty end of society's stick.

I don't particularly want my son to be out at 15 or 16 doing some of the things my friends did at 16 and 17 (I was quite a square) and if I had a daughter then I would feel the same but not because I think it's worse for one gender than the other, more because I want to protect them from their own and others stupidity when it comes to drugs, sex etc.

On the other hand I want my children to have a level of maturity which enables them to start doing adult things in a safe way that will not F* up their futures. My children will be adults one day and doing adult things and they will need to learn to protect themselves just as much as they need to learn to be protective of other people... people of all genders.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/09/2014 15:30

I'm not sure what we mean by 'protective' anyway.

If we mean, 'worried', I worry about them both a lot.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 30/09/2014 15:38

By creating this 'damsel in distress' notion, aren't we holding girls back?

My sister and I are both tough, determined, independent and feisty, and don't shy away from a fight not a good thing, I must add

My brother is very sensitive and shy, struggles to do anything alone, and takes things to heart. He also wouldn't say boo to a goose.

HampshireBoy · 30/09/2014 15:52

Perhaps fathers are more protective of DDs because they know what they were like as a young man? ;)

I see some didn't like this slightly flippant remark, all I meant is that some young men (and not so young ones) prey on girls. I know they shouldn't and should be prosecuted, that doesn't stop parents feeling protective to their daughters and trying to prevent them being in that situation.

I've heard a few friends commenting that they want to avoid their daughters dating because they know boys "are only after one thing".

BackforGood · 30/09/2014 15:53

I have to disagree with you too OP - and, by default, agree with almost everyone else on this thread.
I have a boy and two girls, and certainly don't feel I need to protect my dds more than my ds.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/09/2014 16:02

Hampshire - you are just digging the hole deeper. Can you not actually see how that is perpetuating the objectification of women and girls and plays into the "sex: is something men "get" from women? Do none of these people think that the girls are also curious about sex? Or that if that's how they were as boys, rather than keeping their girls away from boys they should teach their boys to be decent and their girls how to negotiate the sexual world?

Tinkerball · 30/09/2014 16:06

OP could you please explain what you mean by "go through more", yes you've pointed out women are more at risk of sexual violence without acknowledging that men are more at risk of non sexual violence and assault. What exactly do girls go through more than boys?

HampshireBoy · 30/09/2014 16:08

I'll duck out as you're refusing to see the point, it is a natural urge to feel protective towards your kids and because of some people out in the real world some people worry more about their DDs. My DSs were certainly brought up to respect girls (and boys), having had both of them come home late from walking girls home because they all missed the bus I'm proud of them. Nothing about lack of equality or sex as such.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/09/2014 16:11

Your boys were more at risk of assault walking home from walking the girls home Hampshire - why aren't you so paternalistic about them?

AnyFucker · 30/09/2014 16:13

I am sure you are raising your sons to be different than that, HB

Purpleflamingos · 30/09/2014 16:15

I treat them different because they are different people, not because dd needs more protection than ds.

usualsuspect333 · 30/09/2014 16:29

My DS has been assaulted and mugged. My DDs have not. I think my DS is at more risk when he's out late at night.

Bulbasaur · 30/09/2014 16:30

Your boys were more at risk of assault walking home from walking the girls home Hampshire - why aren't you so paternalistic about them?

I'm not sure what you're getting at. Are you saying his sons shouldn't have walked the girls home?

Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that it's safer to walk home alone than a guy. Being a woman is not a deterrent for criminals. But I will venture to say that perhaps men get assaulted more because they're more likely to walk alone, while women are not.

DH has been targeted before and he's a big guy, which shocks people when he tells someone about it. But it's always been while he's alone. Yes, he's talked down almost every confrontation because he'd rather not get in a fight.

But safety in numbers, if your boys were walking home together, they were probably fine.

Whiskwarrior · 30/09/2014 16:40

Oh look.

New OP! Only other one other post on the whole site (today) and then this little nugget of fuckwittery.

I have a DD and two DS's. I love them all the same. I protect them all the same. Anyone who wants to hurt them (mentally or physically) will deal with me regardless! And I would say my older DS is the more sensitive of the three. I go through all the sexist shite with their Dad (my ex) who has stupid, old fashioned ideas of a woman's place and feminism (don't get me started!).

And I'm the eldest of four - two girls, two boys. I had the most freedom, not my brothers. Other than that, we were all treated the same. I definitely wasn't wrapped in cotton wool.

Vivacia · 30/09/2014 16:43

So men know what they were like as boys, and that they preyed on young girls? That appears to be your point.

Original poster
cadburykingdom · 30/09/2014 17:13

I'm not new.

I see most people think aibu. Fair enough.

I have been raped twice so that may be clouding my judgement when it comes to rape and sexual assault.

OP posts:
HampshireBoy · 30/09/2014 17:18

So men know what they were like as boys, and that they preyed on young girls? That appears to be your point.

By all means continue to deliberately misunderstand.

Your boys were more at risk of assault walking home from walking the girls home Hampshire - why aren't you so paternalistic about them?
So they should have let two girls each walk home late at night then should they? If they had and either girl had been attacked there would have been plenty of people slagging them off for putting the girls in danger. To my mind I would have preferred one of the kids to have phoned a parent to pick them all up, they decided they had missed the bus through their own mistake. Given that they decided to walk I think they made the right choice to walk the girls home then walk back together.