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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these comments are not acceptable and age is no excuse?

121 replies

Sleepswithbutterflies · 29/09/2014 20:52

Mentioned to pil that ds (5) has started a drama and dance class. He adores it. Sharp intake of breath from mil.
Me: what's wrong
Mil: sue sent her son to dance class when he was small and now he's...
Me: what?
Mil: Gay! She even took him to the dr's when he was 10 but he's still gay but I always thought it was her fault for taking him to dance in the first place.
Me: I don't think going to dance as a child affects someone's sexuality.
Mil: well it can't help can it? You should do football or rugby with him or something.
Me: well why would it matter if he was gay?
Mil (looking outraged): he won't be gay! No grandchild of ours will be gay.

Mil is 70 and FIL is 72. Is this just 'of their time'? They are very racist too actually. I don't think age should be used as an excuse tbh, I guess if someone is in their 90s then it might be harder to change their viewpoint but pil are generally reasonably young in their ways.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/09/2014 22:13

I would have my son in a tutu faster than she could blink.

RiverTam · 29/09/2014 22:14

excuse me, my mother is pushing 80 and she wouldn't dream of saying or thinking something so ignorant and stupid. Because she isn't ignorant and stupid.

Unlike MIL's DH. At DD's christening we were discussing the fact that MIL had given DD SIL's christening bracelet from when she was a baby. I said 'I guess SIL doesn't need this as her two aren't christened and they're boys and I guess you wouldn't give this to boys' (wondering if it was a bit off that DD now has her bracelet) and MIL's DH said 'well, only if they're the wrong kind of boys'. He said it as a completely throwaway remark but me and DD's GodM were just Shock. He's pretty racist too, witters on about immigrants all the time.

I do know a couple of women who said their DHs wouldn't be happy if their DSs had dolls or prams or what-have-you. Educated men in their 30s!

LokiBear · 29/09/2014 22:20

I have a similar issue with my FIL who is only in his 50 's. I follow the very simple, no nonsense line that my child will be what she is and I will only allow those who love her unconditionally into her life. They need to choose where they fall.

Backinthering · 29/09/2014 22:35

Age is absolutely no excuse. My parents were born in the 1930s and had close gay friends their whole adult lives.

duhgldiuhfdsli · 29/09/2014 22:37

My brother had some thing about not buying his sons sandals, because it would make them (aged about three) catch teh gayz.

He wasn't joking.

No, we aren't close, since you ask.

poolomoomon · 29/09/2014 22:42

Age never excuses ignorance. Anyone is capable of learning and adapting.

Icimoi · 29/09/2014 22:48

This is certainly not "of their time" and it is really quite offensive to older people to make that assumption. People who are now 70 and 72 were teenagers and young adults in the 1960s when it was certainly not acceptable to be racist or homophobic.

And, after all, visit any football match where one of the players is known or believed to be gay: you will be under no illusions that homophobia is confined to the old.

TidyDancer · 29/09/2014 23:49

My DM is 70 and wouldn't dream of saying anything racist or homophobic. My best friend is gay and DM came to Brighton Pride with us last year. As did my 75-year-old uncle who dressed in a tutu. Grin

OP, trust me, not all people of that age behave so badly!

DonnaLyman · 29/09/2014 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/09/2014 23:54

Yeah tbh i think it's a fear of anything different thing rather than an age thing.

fishdishwish · 30/09/2014 00:15

I really can't stand the whole "it's an age thing" excuse (the charming Godfrey Bloom always seems to use this one to try and explain away his hideous outbursts).

Blokes in their 30s who are homophobic completely baffle me, but then anti-gay prejudice sadly stills abounds amongst some. I was quite surprised reading the Observer sex survey yesterday how many people were still against the idea of gays couples marrying and adopting.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/09/2014 01:00

unfortunately ds has the misfortune of being related to someone who is aghast at the thought of him liking pink.

I overheard ds stating he hated pink, and this relative replying that it was a good thing to hate pink. ds was happy to pick the pink cup while relative was not present though.

Caff2 · 30/09/2014 01:09

Yoko Ono must be about 80. It's fourteen years since the end of the last century. I can't get over wherever all these fifties folk are meant to be coming
from!

MexicanSpringtime · 30/09/2014 01:15

Don't be ageist OP. Grin
And you can tell her that dancers make better footballers and male dancers get more girls. Not a word of a lie

PiperIsOrange · 30/09/2014 01:48

In thier days the was no colour TV, that's if they could afford a TV.
They didn't have automatic washing machines and tumble dries wasn't invented.
Also toilet was outside, supermarkets was unheard of and only the rich had a phone line.
Plus central heating ect

If the 70+ group can adjust to all the changes, then why not the attitude.

It is simple my children will not be around homophobic racist people, and I don't care who they are.

PiperIsOrange · 30/09/2014 01:48

In thier days the was no colour TV, that's if they could afford a TV.
They didn't have automatic washing machines and tumble dries wasn't invented.
Also toilet was outside, supermarkets was unheard of and only the rich had a phone line.
Plus central heating ect

If the 70+ group can adjust to all the changes, then why not the attitude.

It is simple my children will not be around homophobic racist people, and I don't care who they are.

CaoNiMa · 30/09/2014 07:52

Prejudice was just as wrong back then as it is now. Age is absolutely no excuse. It's never too late to be educated out of bigotry.

Sunna · 30/09/2014 07:56

Age is no excuse. My father was in his 90s when he died last year and he didn't have a racist or homophobic bone in his body.

My mother could be a bit racist without really thinking she was until it was pointed out, then she adjusted her position.

Racists can be any age - look at the EDL, not exactly pensioners.

goshhhhhh · 30/09/2014 08:07

Not age. My dm (died last year - in her 80s), strict Catholic even got to the point of understanding that it's not a life choice (as being homophobic or racist is). And was openly accepting of difference. No excuses I'm afraid.

Beastofburden · 30/09/2014 08:13

Not her age, except that she may have got to the age where she thinks she is right about everything and doesn't have to re examine her attitudes.

Give her a DVD of Billy Elliot for Christmas Grin nice bit of 1980s nostalgia for her.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 30/09/2014 08:18

My DM is 60s, but staunchly, unrepentantly homophobic, racist and sexist. I've called her on it more times than I can recount, but she asserts it's her 'right' to feel how she does, and that the rise in UKIP votes shows she's not alone.

Sadly, I think she maybe right on the last point. It's hateful.

LemonadeRayGun · 30/09/2014 08:21

Sounds like my in laws. They are horrible intolerant bigots. They asked DH recently about an old friend of his, and DH was telling them that this friend (male) is living abroad with his boyfriend. FIL said "his WHAT?!" And MIL actually said "yuk". :(

I do worry what their reaction would be if any of my children come out as gay in the future. Or decide to marry someone of a different ethnicity. They are so horribly intolerant. I don't like my children being around them as I don't want their ignorance to have any influence, however small, on my kids.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 30/09/2014 08:27

Age is no excuse definatly.

My inlaws were delightful in every way but would make racist comments usually thoughtlessly like the Paki shop etc. As do my parents.

The best way to deal with this is definatly not to strop or loudly correct them that teaches your children to strop and be rude

The best way is to laugh at them and teach your children to laugh at the remarks too.

captainmummy · 30/09/2014 08:29

I remember (at about 9yo) being told that my sisters teacher was coloured. I was so excited to meet him, thinking he would be all coloured, like petrol on water! I was so disappointed to find out he was just dark brown.

And only recently, I told a dd of a neighbour that I'd had a can of beer. She would have been about 12 - and she told me, in horrified tones 'girls don't drink beer!'

Swingball · 30/09/2014 08:33

I went to a gay wedding and there was the eighty odd year old grandad dancing. People in their seventies are certainly young enough to know better.

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