about this rebate?

[oneearedrabbit]

Ex H and I are divorced and have a reasonable relationship. He moved several hours away but still sees his DS regularly.
When we split up we forward paid the school fees for DS (fifty fifty EXH and me.)
DS has two years left at this school now, and I have just started working there, which means I get a % rebate on the termly fees. I was given the first term's rebate as a lump sum (several hundred pounds.)
Is this money mine? or is it half mine and half EXH's? Bear in mind it has only come about as a benefit for my working at the school.
I know it is not a huge amount but over 6 terms it will mount up, of course. I could put it away for something specific for DS but I would see that as my choice if the money is mine, not something Ex can dictate I do.
What is the reasonable point of view here?

You split the cost with your ex. The cost is less therefore you both pay less.

I'd see the money as yours, after all when you paid the fees you weren't to know you'd end up as working there.

I think the money is yours. The benefit is as part of an employment package, and the actual cost to the school will have been considered, in lieu of a slightly higher salary. Keep it, do what you want with it, and don't feel guilty.

It's a bonus of the job, would ex husband give you some of his work bonus.

Hmm interesting dilemma. In practice you should keep it and not feel guilty, I bet you're paying more than your ex for your ds.

Taking the issue in isolation, if the fees were paid out and then the settlement to each of you was made, then they were family costs and nothing is due to ex. If you each got your settlement and then took a portion of this and paid the fees, it's greyer BUT as this is a perk you got from working there, I'd say you're ok.

If you have a reasonable relationship, I would talk to him about it. So many of the problems people post on here about financial dealings and passing on savings are cause by one party feeling as though the other was 'cheating' them rather than actually feeling hard done-by over the money itself.

FWIW I would be inclined to agree that it should be your money as it is part of the benefits package which comes with your job, but is the money worth falling out with your ex over? You don't have to ask his permission to keep it, but you could always mention it to him to gauge his reaction and check that you aren't setting yourself up for a falling out in the future if he does feel that you have stiffed him somehow.

I see where you're coming from, but I'd say you should split it with ex. It feels dishonest otherwise. What if you worked really hard with DS and he got a scholarship, would you still charge him full fees because it was due to your work that DS got the scholarship?

It's yours....a perk of the job.

I'd probably split. Or offer to split anyway. I don't know why - it'd just seem odd not doing so. Although YWNBU to keep it.

yes, I mentioned it to him and he has assumed it is half his. Which tbh I find annoying - it is a perk of the job and in that sense why should I split it?
If I had never mentioned it he would never have known which is also slightly irritating - clearly I mentioned it just because I felt guilty ...
I suppose I am going to have to split it. Grrr. I need it and he is far better off than I am now.
But thanks for your views, everyone...

Up to you of course but I'd have kept it. It's a bit like a bonus on your salary and you wouldn't share that usually.

keep it to use for school trips maybe?

If you were both still together it would be a "perk" for both of you. I would split it, you both paid 50/50 and now the cost is reduced. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your ex who started working their would you be ok with him keeping the lump sum?

If you can't agree then I think the best thing to do is to put it towards something for your DS or put it into savings for him.

Just re-read and saw you paid the fees after splitting up. Still stand by splitting 50/50 though!

there are bound to be some expensive school trips, put the rebate towards the trips and then all three of you will benefit. Ask him what he thinks to your idea and if he is Ok with it.

Don't mention it again until he asks....if he does say you are putting it aside for trips etc....

Is it not a taxable bonus?
If so, don't give him half! If you split it, you should at least make sure you've allowed for additional tax first.

As for the dilemma... I'm not sure I would see it as a work bonus. People working at the school without children don't get an equivalent amount extra. If it was part of your package, then it's your pay and definitely not to be shared. But I think in this case it is truly additional.

Can you compromise and use the rebate towards school extras, or maybe any overseas trips coming up?

If my ex was an arse, I might refuse to share but say that it was going into an account for uni. So it's still "education" money.

I think bottom line though, that was then, this is now - he should suck it up. Things just changed. You don't owe it to him.

DH is also angry that they tagged VAT onto the bill - this also showed up as a separate charge on the girls drink & popcorn bill too

But I would also make the point that it is a perk of you're job and it's yours to do what you like with.

I think you should split the discount with your ex.

Just tell him part of the draw of the job was the extra compensation in terms of reduced fees and you see it as your compensation, not his. He is free to get a job which reduces his outgoings if he wishes too.

I think it is a dilema and I do see his point of view, but I think you are also perfectly entitled to fight your corner (and win).

You cover half the fees and he covers half the fees. You can get help with your share by taking up employment at the school. Therefore the rebate is yours - as long as it doesnt exceed the amount you have paid in, in which case id give him the extra.

If he gives you £20 to go halves on some school shoes and you manage to get a pair for £20 in the sale, would you give him £10back? Or just use it for other costs ypur son has?

Would you expect him to share if it was the other way round or increase his maintainable if a benefit he gained through work meant he had more cash? I suspect so.

If you agreed to pay 50/50 then it should be that. You could obviously talk to him and see if the difference should be put into savings to pay for trips, uniform etc or whether it should reduce both sides payments.

Split it. It's the only right thing for you to do. When you tell your ex, you could helpfully suggest that you keep the money to pay for x, y or a that ds needs, and if your ex is well of while you are struggling and he is a decent person and father then he will let you keep it.

You would need a job anywhere, it's just coincidence that this job gives you a discount on something you have already committed to pay anyway. If the cost for school is less, then each parent should pay less.

I split a lot of stuff 50/50 with my ex, I know I'd be pretty pissed off if he bought one of our children a coat or something in the sale but then charged me 50% of the full price instead of 50% of what it actually cost.