to think if you want to see my children you have to at least try and be pleasant to me?

[oopsamadaisy]

I have parents who at best seem to ignore me and at worst treat me as a second class citizen to their precious first born,my sister is a total drama queen and most of the time downright rude,touchy aggressive and condescending. She is also so insanely envious of anyone having anything she doesn't that she practically has steam coming out of her ears if anyone has any happy news. As a result my parents walk on eggshells, pander to her every whim and treat her like some fragile little child when in fact she is a full grown woman.
When they fancy seeing the grandchildren or DNs I am summoned to bring them over but they barely talk to me when I'm there and it's getting past the point of rudeness.
I'm currently pregnant again, have morning/all day sickness and am exhausted but they have not at any point asked how I am and their reaction when I told them we were expecting again was, as normal, at best indifferent.
I am feeling very much like if they want to see the grandchildren or DNs then they can start treating me a little more nicely! AIBU?
I often see threads on here about the value of extended family but surely seeing their mother ignored and made to feel small is not a positive influence?
DH thinks I should go NC as the visits have started upsetting me so much but I don't think I'd ever manage that,I'd feel way too guilty. No idea how to improve things though.

Your DH is right!

Why can't you go NC? What positivity do you or your DC gain from maintaining a relationship?

Write them a letter telling them what you posted but leave out the stuff about dsis. That's a different relationship.

Life is too short to constantly associate with nasty people even if you are related

Maybe just really limit visits to once or twice a year and explain just how unwell you are currently.

I have a poor relationship with my Mother and found this to help. I have no expectations that I can change her either.

You have a wise DH! I have gone limited contact with my mother and I am so much healthier and happier. You should let them know why though.

Extended families can be great, in normal functioning families.

I think your children would gain more from seeing their mother standing up for herself rather than allowing these people to disrespect her in this way.

And maybe take a leaf put of your sisters book, throw a tantrum and flounce, what would their reaction be?!

Ok only joking on that last one, seriously, if this were anyone else treating you like this, you wouldn't stand for it, so don't from them

Put the ball in their court. You've told them you're expecting, they will know then, that you're likely to be feeling under the weather & tired.
Let them contact you.
When/if you do get their summons call, tell them that you feel rotten & exhausted & could they visit you. (Do NOT run yourself ragged catering etc.)
You will be exhausted with a toddler & expecting again. Let them come to you, if they don't, then they've made the decision.

Now for the most important thing...................

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PREGNANCY

I would stop making any effort whatsoever.
They should come visit you if they want to see the grand kids.

Be too busy to visit them from now on,

I would bet they will make no attempt to stay in touch so will me as near NC anyway.,

Yes limit the contact, if they ask you to bring your dc over, tell them what you posted on here, minus the bits about your sister. Tell them ok, but you have to be nice to me, and treat me kindly if you want that to happen. If it still continues, distance yourself, you do not have to tolerate toxic parents.

It's shocking that you gave to tell your own parents to treat you nicely!

That's really rubbish OP. As others have said, having extended family around is great if it's a normal beneficial relationship but miserable and stressful if it's not.
I'd put the emphasis on them to visit you and then you'll see where their loyalties extend to - it will probably make or make but better than what you're putting up with now.

fwiw we had this with ils and the world revolving around sils every little (self-made) drama and we stopped visiting. Ds gets a visit once every 2 weeks for @ 50mins now if we're lucky but at least we're not stressed about it anymore.

Being incredibly thick here, but what does NC mean?

OP I would limit the amount of visits but I wouldn't cut them off completely, but then again I'm the sort of person that feels guilty about absolutely everything. My dad's dad was really not a nice man and my dad never spoke to him for years, he saw him out walking one day and completely ignored him and a couple of hours later he was knocked down by a car and spent the next 7 years with severe brain damage before passing away. I know this is an extreme example but my dad really struggled with guilt after not speaking to his dad for so long. I wouldn't wish the way he felt on anyone.

Have you had a proper sit down conversation with your parents to let them know exactly how you're feeling? At least then they have an opportunity to change their behaviour?

Has 'extended family' changed its meaning?? I was always of the opinion that parents are immediate family. In fact, regardless of the state of relations, it doesn't really get any more immediate....

' what does NC mean'
It means going 'no contact' .It sounds much better than 'sulking' which is what it basically is.

No, going no contact obviously doesn't equate to sulking. What a ridiculous thing to say.

They probably have no idea that they are upsetting you and never will unless you explain it to them.
In years to come, if you unknowingly offend your children I assume you will be happy to be cut out of their lives without a chance to put it right?

If parents (or parents-in-law) issue summonses for visits they should ALWAYS be ignored. Independent adult children deserve courtesy, which means that they require an invitation at a mutually convenient time.

So the problem with cold, apparently cruel people who think it's OK to ignore their child and their wellbeing, is that they've never been told how mean they're being?

A lot of adults behave very badly and are left to get away with it.

I beg to differ uncleT

'sulk (s?lk)
vb

1. (intr) to be silent and resentful because of a wrong done to one'

Going NC is exactly sulking!

Keep begging. You've simply demonstrated that the point has been spectacularly missed. It's about preservation of wellbeing and sanity, respect for self worth. It's not simply a case of throwing toys out of the pram and giving people the silent treatment. Also, what your simplistic little definition there fails to nuance is that sulking is generally viewed as having an expectation of reaction attached to it. No contact, however, in contexts like this one, is nothing of the sort - it's a regrettable, usually reluctant, final solution to a problem you've painfully concluded will not change. So no, sulking is way off the mark in cases like this.

UncleT, do you mean to be so dismissive and rude in your posts?

I agree that NC and 'sulking' are very different.

In my mind, a 'sulk' is an attention seeking huff, silent or not, when the sulker wishes to make the sulkee (?) feel rotten.

NC simply means that you recognise that the other person cannot (or will not) contribute in anything other than a negative way to your life so you severely limit contact to almost none or nothing at all.

There we are, MindReader has managed to define the difference between going NC and sulking without being rude.

When someone seriously reads what's here and decides that no contact is 'sulking' then yes - that view deserves dismissing. And yes, I probably do get a bit rude when people equate a life-changing, painful decision with 'sulking'. No apology for that I'm afraid.