to think if you want to see my children you have to at least try and be pleasant to me?

[oopsamadaisy]

I have parents who at best seem to ignore me and at worst treat me as a second class citizen to their precious first born,my sister is a total drama queen and most of the time downright rude,touchy aggressive and condescending. She is also so insanely envious of anyone having anything she doesn't that she practically has steam coming out of her ears if anyone has any happy news. As a result my parents walk on eggshells, pander to her every whim and treat her like some fragile little child when in fact she is a full grown woman.
When they fancy seeing the grandchildren or DNs I am summoned to bring them over but they barely talk to me when I'm there and it's getting past the point of rudeness.
I'm currently pregnant again, have morning/all day sickness and am exhausted but they have not at any point asked how I am and their reaction when I told them we were expecting again was, as normal, at best indifferent.
I am feeling very much like if they want to see the grandchildren or DNs then they can start treating me a little more nicely! AIBU?
I often see threads on here about the value of extended family but surely seeing their mother ignored and made to feel small is not a positive influence?
DH thinks I should go NC as the visits have started upsetting me so much but I don't think I'd ever manage that,I'd feel way too guilty. No idea how to improve things though.

Lovely. And do you have many friends in RL?

MN is meant to be a supportive site for people. Posts like yours don't really help that aim.

Plenty thanks, but forgive me for laughing at the irony of ad hominem attack being offered as a response to criticism of slight curtness in explaining why NC is different from sulking (which, surprisingly, touched something of a nerve and was actually pretty offensive in itself - but hey, I suppose that means I have no friends of course.....). Again, equating possibly one of the most painful decisions a person might take with 'sulking' may well produce a strong response in people - probably shouldn't take too much imagination to start thinking perhaps why that is....

Flick that is incredibly insulting, it's not sulking bit taking a life decision not to contact people who are bullying and nasty and toxic to oneself. It's about valuing you enough to say no more rubbish anymore. Those in here will tell you exactly about how damaging keeping in contact with a toxic parent can be and how it can lead to all sorts if mental health problems.

Actually clam I found what flicktuck wrote to be far more offensive and dismissive when she said that NC is basically sulking. I found UncleT's post to be defending NC. Equating NC to sulking is a horribly dismissive thing to say to someone who has been through hell and back with their family.

Thanks. That was the point really - horribly dismissive is about right.

Gosh so - if I keep my children away from a relative who: has sexually assaulted me or physically abused me or tells them how awful I am or acts inappropriately towards me/them or...
Its sulking?

I never knew - I thought it was protecting them, and me.

Have you explained how you feel? Perhaps they do not realise what they are doing.

Sorry but I agree with UncleT. Sulking and going NC are not at all the same and it is rude and patronising to suggest otherwise.

Anyway, back to the case in point. OP, can I ask if you have brought this up with your parents before? If so, what did they say? I am guessing that your dsis has always been this way so have they just become bogged down and set in their ways after so many years. Perhaps confronting them with your unhappiness might give them the kick up the backside they need. It is utterly outrageous that pandering to your sister means being rude to you. Does your dsis live with them - is she always present when you visit? If she is not there then why are they rude to you??

I'll repeat my point about MindReader managing to define NC without being dismissive and rude.
Maybe flicktuck's explanation was mis-judged, but I don't think it required anyone to be so unpleasant.

Anyway, in answer to the OP, no, YANBU. It sounds as if you need to assert yourself and try to command some respect from these people. They seem to have slotted you into a pigeonhole where they can be rude and dismissive (hey, how interesting, UncleT) to you and that you tolerate it. Maybe no is the time to step out of that role.

Flick you would not tolerate that behaviour from anybody else, one should not put up with toxic behaviour from anybody else. People who eventually decide to go NC, do so because they realise they cannot change an abusive toxic or bullying person, their self esteem and confidence is in tatters because of this person, actually tgey have to put themselves and their well being first and say no more. To call it sulking, when it's clearly not p,yes insulting, simplifying a very complex issue, and placing the fault at the person who is going NC with somebody, infantilising their action, when in fact it is not.

Oh well folks, you heard it here first. React to the casual dismissing of a concept that has caused you significant pain in your life and get told that you have no friends. Seems reasonable (and polite, no doubt), eh? The subject has obvious emotional implications - perhaps you might consider how and why people might react differently about it.....All I know is that I didn't go through all that shit because I fancied a sulk. And, whether you think my reaction rude or not, at least it wasn't in the form of personal attack.

You can hardly compare this situation to sexual assault and physical assault...

OP you haven't answered whether or not you have actually sat down and explained your feelings to them. Perhaps they didn't realise they seemed dismissive when you announced your pregnancy.

Sorry but it really sounds like a massive case of sibling rivalry thrown in the mix here. Nowhere do I get the impression that the parents in question are abusive in any way but perhaps I'm not reading into it...

Can't believe the response from Clam to UncleT. It was Flick who was being exceptionally offensive with the dismissal of going NC as "sulking".

I am NC with my parents and I can tell you it took decades of heartache and being treated like utter shit by the two people who are supposed to love me most to reach that decision. The idea that I am in a "sulk" with them is incredibly hurtful and dismissive of my feelings and experiences. I am sure anyone else in my position would feel the same.

I feel grateful to UncleT and others who have defended those of us who have been forced to go NC.

You can't believe it? You don't think he was rude?

OK.

As you were...

No, don't think s/he was rude. For the reasons I have given above. The person accusing people who have gone NC of "sulking" was being rude.

Proudaspunch92 no they're not abusive, indifferent but not abusive. They have certainly not always been this way, but it has been a few years now, it almost seems like now I have the kids and DH I am no longer seen as requiring any concern or necessary to be taken note of as the reigns have been passed on. I can see that that does happen to a certain extent but surely not to this extent? They barely speak to me when I see them, they want to see the grandkids for a while but they don't want to have to bother with me. I understand there are people with much worse problems, but being ignored by your parents, barely even any eye contact, no 'how are you', no questions ever, it's not nice. It's not 'sibling rivalry', though I can see how it would appear that way. My complaints with my sister are separate but linked if that makes sense. With my parents I see that they are more than capable of treating other family members, friends and even relative strangers with more courtesy than they treat me and that is hurtful, if it was just 'their way' I would understand, not necessarily like it, but understand.
I have had conversations with them in the past regarding the fact that causing a major drama over every little thing seems to provoke more care and concern than actually trying to be nice. On the occasions when my sister's drama has been aimed at them and she is being directly nasty to them they tend to have a'moment of enlightenment' and will talk to me about how difficult she is etc. This generally results in me ending up mediating and creating some peace between them, to try and get things back to 'normal' as I don't like seeing them under stress about it as I know how awful it can be when it is directed at you. Then afterwards it is all forgotten, my role in it, her role in it and their role in it, we go back to ignoring me and pandering to her.
I don't have the energy to be pandering/mediating at the moment and I have no plans to 'sulk'. And they have certainly not always been this way, it is clearly a result of the deteriorating behaviour of my sister who although has always been highly strung was not always so destructive. I love them, which is why I am so hurt. The no contact thing was really more I suppose thinking in relation to my sister who I cannot point to any positive aspect of our relationship, but my fear has always been in doing that that my parents will be under fire even more often, and I think that would also worsen my relationship with them, though at present I'm not sure how that would happen.
I feel like a doormat, but in general I am really not. I am more than capable of standing up for myself in other situations but I find this incredibly difficult.

I would withdraw op and distance yourself. Treat them how they treat you!

Does your sister live with them, oopsamadaisy?

I suspect, but may be wrong, that they are wary of being "too involved" with you out of fear of upsetting your sister. This of course is no way to live or parent your sister - but it's a possible scenario.

I think your DH is right - you need to limit contact because there is no need for you to upset yourself in this way, especially while you're feeling under the weather with sickness and your pg. NC may be the end result (and I'm appalled that anyone had the utter gall to equate that to "sulking" - how fecking rude and ignorant!) but take it at your own pace.

Careful thumb - you might be labeled friendless too, if you get too bothered about such an obviously stupid comment.

My comment about the sibling rivalry was in no way supposed to be offensive OP, I understand it must be bloody horrible if your parents treat you like that - I wouldn't like it that's for sure. I was just trying to say don't cut them off completely, if you go back to my first post I said about my dad not speaking to his dad and the immense guilt he felt. I just don't want you to feel like that. The bit about saying it's not abuse was aimed at the poster who said about sexual and physical abuse.

Just pull back and treat them how they treat you. Proud as you have said, your dad's dad wasn't fery nice, even children with abusive parents still have loyalty towards them.

Sulking is used to manipulate people the sulker has an ongoing relationship with, going no contact is terminating the relationship.

Totally with UncleT.

'Lovely. And do you have many friends in RL?'

Can't believe you think that's not a rude and shitty thing to say clam, or is it a case of double standards?

Oh yeah, and I agree with the posters saying you should listen to your DH and protect your children from these people.

Sometimes this can happen, of course not always