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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being totally, horribly unreasonable?....

69 replies

Driveninsane12 · 27/09/2014 18:04

I am geeting married in the first week of December. I live with my fiance in a very small 2 bed flat. We have had a stream of mates living with us over the past 3 years (ranging from 5 weeks to 4 months). Willingly, i'll do anything to help a friend. I am someone who enjoys being with friends but i do like my own space. Love it, in fact.

A friend moved in with us a month ago after breaking off her relationship with her boyfriend. She has mentioned that she has potential to move in with another friend at the end of January so i believe the assumption is to stay with us until then.

I must stress that i help people out willingly ordinarily but our flat is TINY to the extent that i have constant wet washing drying in my bedroom. I feel like i have no space to myself.

Added to the mix - another mate has announced that he has to immediately move from his place and will now be staying on our sofa from Mon-Thu. We obviously cant say no. On my sofa though?! Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Close to breaking point. I have cultivated quite a reputation for being quite laid back about the wedding and perhaps this hasnt done me any favours but i am feeling a bit stressed lately and the lack of space isnt helping.

am i being unreasonable to just want the horribly indulgent pleasure of having my spare bedroom to store my wedding/honeymoon stuff?

Prepared to be flamed as this is horribly bridezilla i know.

TIA

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 27/09/2014 18:06

We obviously cant say no

Yes you can. You really can.

Say it. And give your current lodging friend a fortnights notice to go.

LineRunner · 27/09/2014 18:06

Hardly bridezilla.

What does your DP think?

BunnyLebowski · 27/09/2014 18:06

"We obviously can't say no."

There's your problem right there. You can say no. Do it.

YANBU for wanting your own home to yourself. YABU for not putting your foot down and sorting it easily.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 27/09/2014 18:07

You can say no.

Easily.

You have a teeny flat with one person staying already.

No is your only option.

Trills · 27/09/2014 18:08

Stop being a doormat.

First friend - did you say how long she could stay there? Or did you say yes of course stay with us for as long as you like?

Second friend - you can say no. He probably has other friends.

BOFster · 27/09/2014 18:09

I can't believe your pal really intends to stay that long! Can't you just ask her what other arrangements she intends to make, as obviously you are going to need your space approaching the wedding?

Fairylea · 27/09/2014 18:09

Of course you can say no. You're already more generous than I would be! I couldn't stand anyone living with me (apart from dh and the dc).

You don't need to have an excuse to want your home to yourself.

Original poster
Driveninsane12 · 27/09/2014 18:10

Thank you. I know youre right, but the fact is we DO have the space technically and we are in a much more secure position that pretty much all our friends and it is near on impossible to say no. I dont know what else they would do. Dp is in agreement but famously laid back. He reckons sofa lodger will be quite temporary. I suppose i just wish they would be a little more mindful that this is quite a special time for us and we need space. Perhaps when they find themselves in this position in years to cme they will realise.

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 27/09/2014 18:12

Your clearly selfish friends don't mind walking all over you. Why do you bother to show them such regard?

Original poster
Driveninsane12 · 27/09/2014 18:13

Well i really think they would be mortified if they read this.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/09/2014 18:14

Show it to them, then.

BunnyLebowski · 27/09/2014 18:15

Oh for god's sake.

OP if you're determined to be a doormat then crack on. There's not really any further advice we can give you.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 27/09/2014 18:16

Pick a date, say one month ahead of the wedding. Pick another date, say one month after wedding. Tell all interested parties that you will not be having any lodgers during that time. As they are your friends, I'm sure that they will understand that you need time and space to finalise wedding plans and that shoehorning their way into your "honeymoon" period would be plain weird.

TatTheCat · 27/09/2014 18:17

You are being completely reasonable. Your friends are imposing and this is not fair on you, particularly with your wedding approaching.
You need to be more assertive and put your needs above others. I would ask them to make alternative arrangements from the beginning of Nov.

It really is fine to say no to people, even if it is difficult at first.

CarbeDiem · 27/09/2014 18:19

Oh you need to practise saying NO!
You've got to learn to say it. Sounds like friend no2 is taking the piss - he knows you already have a 'guest' staying. So anything more than an invited one night on the sofa is too much.
As for friend No1 - I'd tell her staying until January doesn't work for you.
You'll be newly weds in December, is she really that ignorant FGS?

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/09/2014 18:19

Make a pot of tea and get some biscuits and invite every one to sit down at the table.

Say 'sorry guys, we are planning the wedding and I looked at my wet washing drying in my bedroom in this tiny flat and thought 'no matter how much I love my friends, I really just need my space back'. So, sorry guys but this isn't working any more. Sofa bloke, sorry but no, you need to be somewhere else. Spare room girl, you have a fortnight. Here is a website of vacant rooms around at the moment.'

Nancy66 · 27/09/2014 18:20

you're not being 'laid back' you're being a mug.

your friends have sussed you are a pushover. Why do you think they always land on your doorstep? How many of your other friends have people bumming off them constantly?

ChasedByBees · 27/09/2014 18:22

Did the potential sofa dweller actually ask or just tell you he'll be staying with you? Just because your circumstances are different doesn't mean you need to pick up the slack to improve their lives, particularly at the expense of yours.

Your friends are taking advantage.

rainbowinmyroom · 27/09/2014 18:22

Friends do not, ever just announce that they are staying at yours, for how long and where.

You are not laid back, you are wet lettuces.

You can't say no? It's impossible? Then prepare to spend the rest of your life having the piss ripped out of you by every brass necked wanker going.

Whoopsadazy · 27/09/2014 18:23

YANBU.

rainbowinmyroom · 27/09/2014 18:25

Why all the 'sorry'? What's there to be sorry for?

Sofa surfer: no, this doesn't work for us. We need our space. You need to make other arrangements becuase our sofa isn't available.

Other pisstaker: We need our space back. You have a a month to find another place to live.

No offers of help, either. Adults can find their own lodgings.

Guitargirl · 27/09/2014 18:26

I don't have a massive amount of sympathy to be honest. You are in this position because you have allowed it to happen. If you want to change it then do something about it.

Only1scoop · 27/09/2014 18:28

Claim back your home before it makes you really miserable.

And you can say no and if they are friends they will respect your wishes.

phantomnamechanger · 27/09/2014 18:34

not a bridezilla at all, just too much of a doormat!

of course you and DP need your space and privacy YANBU and if these so called friends take the hump at being told no, then you know what sort of friends they are!

MaryWestmacott · 27/09/2014 18:40

Deal with sofa friend first- "no, you can't stay with us, we already have one friend staying, it's actually feeling really cramped with her and all her stuff, I can't have any more guests. If I had the space, then we'd help you out, but we don't so you're going to have to make different plans this time."

Then spare room girl - "I'm sorry to have not said something earlier, but we have a lot of family and friends who'll need to stay for the wedding and run up, and I'd really like my spare room back. We aren't going to just throw you out, but we need that room empty from the first week in November, that's still giving you over a month to find somewhere."

Then to the rest of your mates "it's been really hard sharing our flat, we've decided a new rule of no guests for more than a week."

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