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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am i being totally, horribly unreasonable?....

69 replies

Driveninsane12 · 27/09/2014 18:04

I am geeting married in the first week of December. I live with my fiance in a very small 2 bed flat. We have had a stream of mates living with us over the past 3 years (ranging from 5 weeks to 4 months). Willingly, i'll do anything to help a friend. I am someone who enjoys being with friends but i do like my own space. Love it, in fact.

A friend moved in with us a month ago after breaking off her relationship with her boyfriend. She has mentioned that she has potential to move in with another friend at the end of January so i believe the assumption is to stay with us until then.

I must stress that i help people out willingly ordinarily but our flat is TINY to the extent that i have constant wet washing drying in my bedroom. I feel like i have no space to myself.

Added to the mix - another mate has announced that he has to immediately move from his place and will now be staying on our sofa from Mon-Thu. We obviously cant say no. On my sofa though?! Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Close to breaking point. I have cultivated quite a reputation for being quite laid back about the wedding and perhaps this hasnt done me any favours but i am feeling a bit stressed lately and the lack of space isnt helping.

am i being unreasonable to just want the horribly indulgent pleasure of having my spare bedroom to store my wedding/honeymoon stuff?

Prepared to be flamed as this is horribly bridezilla i know.

TIA

OP posts:
cees · 27/09/2014 18:40

You cultivated this?

riverboat1 · 27/09/2014 18:41

Even if your group if friends is young and child-free and easy going and you are famous for your laid back attitude and you are better off financially than them, it is STILL really rude of that guy to announce he is staying on your sofa! Just no.

I think the suggestion to sit everyone down with a cup of tea (or glass of wine) and say that you are realising you need your space, and you would like both lodgers out by X date is the way to go. If they are really your friends they will of course respect that it's your home and you have already done them a massive favour, and make alternative plans. The female friend must have someone else she can stay with until January, or find a short term rental on air bnb or something.

Make sure your DP is definitely going to back you up 100% as well.

Original poster
Driveninsane12 · 27/09/2014 18:47

Cees - what i mean is that i dont blart on about the wedding and make out im really stressed because. However i am now a bit.

I appreciate all your advice but it is difficult. Friend isnt some randomer, we are close and she is a bridesmaid. She is still paying rent at her old place because lease runs out in December. I told her she should negotiate with the landlord and she said she will. I think sofa surfer will be gone within weeks.

Just having a moan. Glad im not being irrational.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 27/09/2014 18:50

so you're not going to do anything?

ILovePud · 27/09/2014 18:52

I don't know whether the tone of your original post was deliberately meek to ward off potential flaming but if not I think you need to revaluate your view of yourself and your friends. They are taking advantage, considerate friends do not tell you they are moving in nor would they be deliberately oblivious to the inconvenience they are causing. You can say no, you are not responsible for them.

Andrewofgg · 27/09/2014 18:53

You and your fiance are too nice for your own good. Set a date with friend and mean it. Say no to sofa-surfer. At first I thought you meant Monday to Thursday coming only which might be just acceptable; but it seems you mean week in week out for some weeks to come. Say no and mean it.

And all the best for the wedding.

riverboat1 · 27/09/2014 18:54

I am really non confrontational too, but you really are well within your rights to ask them to go.

Sofa surfer must be gone by the END of the week, not within weeks!

And bridesmaid: could you at least tell her you are surprising yourself with how much you are feeling you need your own space and the wedding planning is a bit stressful even though you've tried to keep cool about it, and is there any possibility she has someone else she can stay with in the weeks running up to it? She must be a very good friend, she really should be able to take a hint.

moxon · 27/09/2014 18:55

Maybe someone else has already said this, but I think a four weeks is pretty much the decent limit of staying with someone in a small flat. Maybe two months if they are very good friends. Potentially longer if you own Audley End Manor and can offer them the East Wing. Thereafter it just becomes awkward.
Why would you do that to someone anyway as a guest? Your friends should know better. Hmm

MaryWestmacott · 27/09/2014 18:55

So you aren't going to do anything? Sofa friend is a straight no, you cannot be his only friend with a sofa, even if you are the most sorted. Spare room girl isn't sorting it with the landlord because she doesn't have to.

No to sofa man, out by bonfire night for spare room girl, you will find once you say no, they will find somewhere else, I would put good money on neither sleeping rough.

Why are you so scared to say no to your friends?

Sicaq · 27/09/2014 19:02

Nearly all my friends are more secure, home-wise, than me. I didn't realise this obligated them to house me for free!

Seriously OP, you have no reason to feel guilty. Even if you were not planning a wedding, you home is your territory and you don't need any other reason not to want extended guests than "I don't want them."

Momagain1 · 27/09/2014 19:02

Your wedding is, in fact the perfect time to change what your friends have come to expect.

Sofa guy: No, 3 adults in a small apartment is enough.

Existing guest: you need the space by end of October, holidays and your wedding will be taking up your time and space, she needs to make other arrangements. And every time you have to put something in the lounge instead of the spare room, mention how much easier all of this is going to be when you have a spare room again.

Post wedding: invited, time limit defined guests only.

FinallyHere · 27/09/2014 19:08

Well, if you have the space to let them each have a wing to themselves, then perhaps you would be being unreasonable. If it's a two bedroom flat, then not so much.

What are you worried might happen, if you take the excellent advice on this thread so far, .. Sit em down, so sorry but here is your deadline for moving out...? What is the worst that could happen? Do you owe them money? Do they supply you with illegal substance? Sigh.

Original poster
Driveninsane12 · 27/09/2014 19:12

Yes i know. This is excellent advice. My point was only wheth it was off considering she has broken up with boyfriend and doesnt have money to finance 2 properties when tbh i do have the means to help her out. I was interested in where the cut off point comes into play. And whether it was U to expect aomeone to sling their hook knowing you are planning a wedding/will be on honeymoon/back from honeymoon.

OP posts:
riverboat1 · 27/09/2014 19:15

How about sofa surfer moves in with bridesmaid's ex boyfriend, thus paying her half of the rent and freeing up her finances to rent elsewhere? Sorted! Wink

EndoplasmicReticulum · 27/09/2014 19:15

Do any of these visitors help towards the rent? bills? food?

TheRealMaryMillington · 27/09/2014 19:17

Spare room mate is VVU to expect to stay 4 monthse month maybe. She may be skint and you may feel sorry for her but its not your long term problem. One month maybe. Tell her you can put her up till end October latest.

How much rent and share of bills is she proposing to offer you?

Mate on sofa - 3 nights max

You need your space. Weddings are stressful. Weddings when you can't sit in your living room and have to queue to go for a pee in your own house are breakdown-inducing.

Original poster
Driveninsane12 · 27/09/2014 19:17

Endo - no. She sorts out her own food. We pay a mortgage and we cover bills. One person doesnt make much difference in the grand scheme of things and she buys odds and sods like cleaning products etc

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 27/09/2014 19:19

So you think a friend is someone who would actually impose herself on a mate for months for free including when that mate comes back on her honeymoon?

Or just announces when they will be kipping on your sofa?

You need the Freedom Programme for mugs.

CarryOnDancing · 27/09/2014 19:21

If be asking myself why so many of my friends need free accommodation so often.

Would they make themselves homeless so easily if they didn't have you to fall back on?

I think they are taking advantage and see you as their constant back up plan. It's nice of you to be there but the fact this keeps happening suggests you have a reputation. Are they true friends or are you the standby B&B?

It would not BU at all to say you don't want any more lodgers-ever imo.

TheRealMaryMillington · 27/09/2014 19:23

I can only suggest you make your flat less inviting and more expensive to live in.

Don't subsidise their entire existence. Either of them.

And store your wedding/honeymoon/whatever stuff you need in your spare room if you need to.

Itsfab · 27/09/2014 19:26

They are thoughtless people to have not considered that you would want the flat to yourselves right after you have got married!!!

MaryWestmacott · 27/09/2014 19:27

Oh I like the idea of sending sofa man to spare room girl's ex!

Actually, you are stopping everyone sorting this out, if you said no to spare room girl, she'd have to deal with her landlord and ex, her ex might have to decide to take in a flat mate to cover the rent, but why do it now when his ex still pays? Her landlord won't just offer her off the contract unless she asks.

Sofa man needs a more stable home, you are sticking together disfunctional lives, stop.

Say this doesn't work for you. Sofa man goes now, spare room girl at least tries to sort her shit out, and understands you'd like her out of your hair a bit more.

You say no to all other housing requests until at least your first anniversary.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 27/09/2014 19:27

They are taking advantage. We had similar when we bought our first house, but everyone who stayed had to contribute towards mortgage / bills. We had a sofa surfer too, I told him to go as he was a drain on resources (and having someone sleeping in the front room was really annoying.

I think the wedding is a good time to announce "no more free B+B". To everyone.

specialsubject · 27/09/2014 19:28

wedding irrelevant, get rid of these freeloaders.

BTW is it a rental? In which case you are breaking your lease big-time. Guests is one thing but you've got two people not on the tenancy LIVING there.

and whether you own or rent it, drying wet washing indoors is wrecking it.

LittleBearPad · 27/09/2014 19:31

Fgs OP do grow a backbone and tell sofa bod no and bridesmaid to find an alternative by the beginning of November. They are both taking the piss.

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