Am i being totally, horribly unreasonable?....

[Driveninsane12]

I am geeting married in the first week of December. I live with my fiance in a very small 2 bed flat. We have had a stream of mates living with us over the past 3 years (ranging from 5 weeks to 4 months). Willingly, i'll do anything to help a friend. I am someone who enjoys being with friends but i do like my own space. Love it, in fact.

A friend moved in with us a month ago after breaking off her relationship with her boyfriend. She has mentioned that she has potential to move in with another friend at the end of January so i believe the assumption is to stay with us until then.

I must stress that i help people out willingly ordinarily but our flat is TINY to the extent that i have constant wet washing drying in my bedroom. I feel like i have no space to myself.

Added to the mix - another mate has announced that he has to immediately move from his place and will now be staying on our sofa from Mon-Thu. We obviously cant say no. On my sofa though?! Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

Close to breaking point. I have cultivated quite a reputation for being quite laid back about the wedding and perhaps this hasnt done me any favours but i am feeling a bit stressed lately and the lack of space isnt helping.

am i being unreasonable to just want the horribly indulgent pleasure of having my spare bedroom to store my wedding/honeymoon stuff?

Prepared to be flamed as this is horribly bridezilla i know.

TIA

I would be asking spare room girl for rent. It is costing you. You're paying a mortgage on a spare room you can't use for your own purposes. She is selfish and ripping you off.

Is there any reason why you feel so obliged to subsidise her life? So she's got herself into a predicament with her ex. She should have told him to get a lodger for those months. Or stayed and he moved. Why does he get that place to himself and you get landed on. Bugger that.

You've made it easy on then both.

You've let her get way too comfy.

But you sound happy to be a mug so carry on. Don't be too surprised if she always takes off you and never gives back. Friendships like that have a way if breaking down when the user can no longer get as much out of the relationship.

I am someone who generally does not like my own space being invaded unnecessarily. It stresses me.

Much as I love and like to see my friends and family, my limits would be far less than yours.

These are not proper friends. These people are massively taking advantage of your good nature and are treating your flat like a hotel. Sofa man sounds very presumptious, and I would be telling him to sling his hook.

Your bridesmaid friend isn't much better either. You did NOT have the facilities to help her out long term. It should only have been short term, whilst she worked on making more suitable arrangements for herself. By short term I mean a week or two. I understand you helping a friend or family member out in the immediate aftermath of a relationship break-up, but for her to stay as long as she seems to intend is seriously taking the piss.

So she still has a place. That she's paying rent for until December - WTF is doing putting herself on you for.

You sound like a complete mug

Why can't you say no? And if you really can't, why can't your DF say it?

You're making a rod for your own back. Wedding or no, you are silly to let people take advantage. It's your home, not the local doss house

So your friend is paying for her bf to live in her old flat until December? Why?

This is the reverse of the MN phenomenon:

OP 'AIBU?'

All of MN 'shit yes!'

OP 'I'm not and you're all bitches'

This time it's:

OP 'AIBU?'

All of MN 'shit no how on earth are you being such a mug?'

OP 'no really it's fine they're really good friends maybe I should ask more people who are down on their luck to sleep on our floor. In fact when we get married we could sleep on the floor and they could stay in the honeymoon suite. I should be a better friend and help everyone and my feelings don't matter'

Op really I'm not entirely sure why you posted. You're not going to change anything. You are not a bad person or bad friend to sometimes put your needs and feelings first.

Tell sofa man there is no space. Tell bridesmaid she has a month to make other plans. This is TOTALLY AND UTTERLY REASONABLE.

Or don't. Your call.

yellowdinosaur

Give your sofa 'guest' this link & tell him to sort out his accommodation himself.

adhoc.eu/great-britain/property-guardian/
If you really can't tell your mate to leave, then tell her you have an infestation of rats/wasps/black mould / whatever & flat needs treatment. Then serve her 2 weeks notice & she can go & live with her
Bf. Then set up the room as permanantly inhabitable.

Ask friend if she can stay with relatives till January and tell sofa guy Thursday is the limit after that he can impose himself on others - you can't be the only one with a sofa.

I'm a pisstaking arsehole but I've never told any of my mates that I'm moving into their flat.

Something is wrong with your relationship with your friends.

Oh. My. God.

Your friends must think you are the YMCA!!

YOU NEED TO GROW A PAIR AND STOP YOUR FRIENDS UTTERLY TAKING THE PISS!!!

I wouldn't even let sofa man move in. Just tell him no sorry (insert other free loading friends name here ) is already staying with us.

I'd be telling her you need her out soon too. You really want someone staying with you for another 4 months???

Tell her you need space for wedding preparation etc and she needs to move out before a particular date

Stop letting these people walk over you

restrict their stays 'yes do stay but we'll need to put a two week time limit on the stay because DH and I like our own space'

You need to learn to say no, cant you?

*why cant

You really are being a doormat.

My DH and I have no kids and have quite a big house. We are happy to have friends stay for some days. But we also love our own space, and peace and quiet. I have said "no" to a number of people who intended to stay for longer than a week. Last time was a month ago to a very good friend who was looking for a place to stay for 7 weeks. She was offering to pay and she is a really good guest, she cleans more than I do and cooks really well. I still said no, because we really are not comfortable having anyone for such a long time. She understood and found another place to stay. We are still good friends. In fact, BECAUSE we are good friends, we can say "no" to each other when something does not work for us.

Try it. "No". Or, if you are uncomfortable with the bluntness of the word, say "no, that does not work for me". No excuses, no explanations, and especially, no apologies. The more you use it, the easier it gets :). And believe me, you will be much happier.

From the friends point of view (the one currently in the spare room) wouldn't she feel just....wrong living there after they are married or, in particular, straight after they are married? Or just back from the honey moon?

Talk about spare cock at an orgy.

And yes of course OP you sound lovely but you are bordering on being a mug, please dont.

Surely your nearly-husband has an opinion on this?

Good luck with the wedding, I hope you resolve this soon.

What yellow dinosaur said. Stop being so "nice", it'll ruin your life. There are users and takers everywhere and they're getting cheekier all the time.

Put yourself and your DF first!