if I don't tell exP about ds' hospital appointment until afterwards?

[drasticpark]

I really don't want exP to attend. So bored and fed up with his continued petty behaviour. I can't be bothered to smile sweetly and pretend it's water off a duck's back. It hurts when someone is rude and hostile and I don't see why I should invite him to have this opportunity to display more bad behaviour in front of ds.

I was notified by telephone that ds has an cardiac appointment on Monday. I was all set to tell exP the details but when he dropped ds off the next morning he stood on the path and threw his shin pads through the front door - not in temper, just in a sort of casual "I don't care about your property" kind of way. Really disrespectful. He didn't speak; he never does. Not even hello. This was in front of ds and is typical of his attitude. I decided then and there not to tell him about the appointment.

Last year, ds had major surgery to remove a tumour from his neck. ExP basked in the sympathy of having a son who had such a serious sounding condition (the tumour was benign) but didn't do one thing to help him or me practically. He scowls at me, never replies if I say hello and if he absolutely has to speak he looks away and barks at me. All in front of ds. Occasionally we would leave the hospital together after appointments and he would deliberately walk too fast for me to keep up or lag 10 paces behind. Ds would then have to choose who to walk with. See, told you it was petty.

Ds is now being investigated for possible cardiac problems. Might be nothing but could be part of a wider diagnosis with significant consequences. As a parent I believe exP should be given the opportunity to attend. But as a human being I think I should have the right to avoid putting myself in a situation where I am going to be subjected to his bad behaviour. Ive got feelings and it hurts. Ds (age13) says he doesn't mind whether his dad goes or not.

If I tell exP he's not welcome because he's so rude he'll tell me I'm being deliberately awkward and imagining it.

Honestly, I wouldn't tell him unless it became apparent that it was something serious. But the bits and bobs and appointments before, its not worth the hassle. For anyone.

If he questions you at any point, explain that he makes it so impossible to communicate that you felt you could only discuss the absolutely dire points with him.

He sounds like bloody hard work. But I don't think you should keep this from him. It'll just give him more ammo to be an absolute twat.

Your DS is 13. In a few years time you won't have to deal with your ex-DP because your DS will be grown-up enough to decide on visits and eventually you won't need to be the "middle man" between them.

So for the sake of keeping the peace and rising above his pettiness, I would tell him if I were you.

I'm on the fence. Your DS is old enough to express his preference but he may be worried to say he wants his dad there, knowing he might kick off. Sorry, not very helpful!

It's a tough one but I think it's only right for you to tell him. Your DS might feel put on the spot to choose but it's shouldn't be this way. Tell him, and don't engage with him at the appointment.

You could compromise and tell him straight after the appointment. Text him afterwards give him the black and white of it, say you intended to tell him the other day but he didnt give you opportunity, but hopefully we can discuss it sensibly soon.

No I wouldn't tell him.

And I would be quite prepared to explain that I considered it to not be in the best interests of DS having a stress-free appointment, given that he generally acted in a way which made all three-way interaction nigh on unbearable.

'Until you can act like a normal, decent human being who prioritises DS's feelings above your own need to score points, then I will continue to avoid three-way interaction wherever possible for the sake of DS's peace of mind.'

He is bloody hard work. I've had this for 4 years and I'm sick of it. I don't want ds to think it's ok to treat another human being like this.

I wouldn't tell him, life is far to short for such petty, irritating crap. He is behaving like a toddler, how will that help your ds at his appointment.

I wouldn't tell him anything ever again. Your DS is old enough to tell him if he wants to.

I'd stop uttering one word to him or even looking in his direction. I'd never email or call EVER.

I would absolutely tell him. My DSSs Mum has been an absolute nightmare over the years but she's still their Mother and has such has a right to be informed about any serious medical things that may arise.

But it might not be serious.

OP just inform him if its serious.

So if ds chose to go and live with his dad, you'd be okay with him thinking you're a pita who shouldn't be told this stuff? Because there's always two points of view.

I totally agree he has a moral right to information (although he doesn't have a legal right as he refuses to apply for PR) but I'm getting to the point where I'm past caring about his right to attend an appointment and try to humiliate me in the process. I definitely would tell him of the outcome, whatever it is.

The OP clearly isn't being a PITA.

Any sort of cardiac investigation has the potential to be serious. When I say serious I mean anything more that common childhood illnesses - coughs, colds, v&d. Anything more than that I believe the NRP (if there is any degree of shared care) should be informed.

I can't even look at my exH, we haven't been in the same room for 3 years, but I'd still tell him if any of my DSs had a hospital appointment. The difference is that exH wouldn't come, he'd just expect me to pass the info onto him via email, so it's an easier decision to make. We take it in turns to go to school parents' evenings, which means he's been to lots more than he ever used to.

Of course under normal circumstances he has the right to know what is going on. But before that he has a responsibility not to make every aspect of life harder than it needs to be for his child's other parent.

I kept him in the loop about everything when my son had the tumour last year. He came to every appointment, scan, investigation etc. we were both there post op after 6 hour op. He used every single opportunity he could to be rude, hostile and petty towards me.

He knows the cardiac appointment is coming up because I told him that the GP had referred him. I won't ever withhold information. But I dont see why he should attend appointments and use them to belittle me.

This will be the first appointment I haven't told him about. If I don't tell him. I would definitely email him of the outcome in detail on the same day.

I think you should tell him on this occasion but warn him if he makes the appointment more stressful than it already is because of his hostile and petty behaviour, you may not tell him next time your DS has a medical appointment until after the event.

A 13 yo will be fully aware that he is in the centre of a war of hostility, bickering and bad behaviour by his dad but cannot possibly give you an opinion that implies one side or the other.

You sound as if you are making the decision not to include your ex as a form of punishment to him. The care of a child who has any illness or condition is a serious business and it is stressful. I think you need to talk to your ex, away, well away, from your DS and explain that you are taking him for an appointment , if it is serious or worrying you either need to work constructively, together, to look after him, or else you need to be able to do so without the added stress of hostility from ex. And that DS is old enough to be sensitive to the hostility and that this will NOT help him cope with the possibility od having health issues.

This is not about YOU, it is about care of your DS.

I have experience of caring for DC through prolonged medical treatment: you need to be able to work together to support your child or you are better off doing it alone. If you do it alone be sure that this is for the ultimate benefit of your DS.

I think it is damaging for your DS to see his parents interacting in this way. Seeing his father being rude and dismissive to his mother will affect his future behaviour towards women. I would not invite him to the appointment, unless your DS asks him to come. However I would consider whether he is as bad as you say he is, or whether you could both be antagonising the other. If he is as bad as you have described, tell him the outcome afterwards, and explain that he must treat you politely in front of your DS. It is in DS's best interests to not repeatly see his dad treat his mum with disdain.

If he doesn't have PR, I don't think he does have a "right" to attend. Why has he refused to apply for PR?

The stress of having to witness such petty behaviour and having to choose which parent to walk with, etc, is hardly conducive for a relaxing atmosphere to precede a cardiac appointment.

I would tell him afterwards.

Just read he doesn't have PR and refuses to apply.

Then I absolutely definitely wouldn't tell him.