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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel 'money is safety'

51 replies

weirdiebeardie · 27/09/2014 00:35

I heard it on a TV program earlier, and it rang a massive bell within me. This is how I am, this is how I live. I had not realised it before.

I believe money is safety. I work my arse off. I always have since I was 13. I worked until the day I gave birth (both over due), I went back to work within 3 months. I feel I have to do it for financial security, or I do not feel safe. Currently I have a 5 month old, I work 14 hours per day, sleep around 4 hrs. I work at home though (self employed). I feel very unsafe at the moment, as I have very little in the way of savings, I had almost paid off my mortgage, but upon deciding to have children I wanted to live near a good school. That decision a couple of years ago, has cost every penny (expensive house, building project), my work is now threatened and I feel very up/down and unhappy/unsafe.

When I was a child we lost our house in the recession. This has always scared me, and I don't know if I am a happy or relaxed person because of this. I spend my life worrying about financial security. Losing work or not having money for bills is one of my biggest fears in life. Is that normal?

Is this a reasonable way to be? Sensible? or completely unreasonable?

p.s. I am a name changer - previous threads would identify me, I'm not comfortable this being linked to 'me' .... yet

OP posts:
SouthernShepherdess · 27/09/2014 00:38

Well of course YANBU! Money is our safety, it keeps a roof over our heads! We all worry about our financial security. We have a farming business and it really is so hard to tread water these days. I completely understand how you feel.

Original poster
weirdiebeardie · 27/09/2014 00:47

Thanks Southern.

I think the reason why I feel so weird about money having an importance, is because you are taught that its not polite to discuss money etc. I am a female breadwinner, my DP is not great with money - it causes a lot of stress and arguments. I wish I could be more laid back on the financial front - but its such a massive deal for me, it feels very sad, and I believe no one around me feels the same sense of fear/urgency/importance/responsibility etc. I feel very boring too! All driven by fear.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 27/09/2014 00:55

I feel the same as you OP. It was vitally important to me to be able to own my home and pay off my mortgage, and at least have enough in the bank to cover emergencies. I've had some tough years, and even though life is certainly not perfect now, it makes a huge difference knowing that regardless of what is going on, no one can take my home away from me, and that I can feed my family, put fuel in the car and buy medication if required.

SouthernShepherdess · 27/09/2014 00:56

Does your DP have a job? If all the responsibility lies with you then that's unfair, esp when you have kids to deal with as well! Who is laid back on the financial front these days unless you are rich?! I would seriously want to make some changes if I were you..why is all the pressure completely on you? Poor you, and I'm sure you are not boring deep down. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a little treat now and again, it's the least you deserve! Have some Flowers from me to start you off.

7Days · 27/09/2014 01:01

You are totally right in principle but it does seem to take over a rather large part of your life, which may be a little out of balance.

I grew up in a pretty poor household. I realise I don't know the half of it because my parents shielded me from quite a lot of that worry. I get where you are coming from. But when my dad became terminally ill, it suddenly seemed irrelevent. That's not me playing top trumps, just trying to explain how my path, which was similar to yours, was knocked in a different direction.

security is important, but there comes a point where you are just accumulating for the sake of it, to no real benefit to your mind or your safety.

Original poster
weirdiebeardie · 27/09/2014 01:05

Wow I'm not a weirdo! Thank you

Your kind words and flowers made me cry Southern - thank you. That's how silly i am. My DP does have a job, but is again self employed as due to various reasons including some instigated from our situation he has has sporadic work periods, so I pick up all the bills as standard. Its not his fault per say, but I think he has become used to a carefree life, despite me frequentlly stressing about these things. He tonight made a promise to pay for childcare as he is back at work, and that feels a big relief to me.

I think Im wistfully thinking I could be someone that gets by financially and doesn't worry like I do. Is that possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
weirdiebeardie · 27/09/2014 01:08

7days - I'm very sorry about your dad.

You've said it how I feel it! I feel I am unreasonable, I feel I should live differently - life and people are more important, but I dont know how to live it. I want to live happy and carefree, I think if I lose control on finances, things will spiral, I feel worrying is part of the earning sometimes... god that sounds so stupid.

OP posts:
SouthernShepherdess · 27/09/2014 01:14

You are welcome. Well if you are like me, I'm a born worrier. With the best will in the world I find myself worrying over at least one thing a day everyday! Glad he works, but sounds like he needs to pull his socks up a bit and give you a break by perhaps offering to be a bit more responsible. It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure, so worrying is understandable. I think in order for you to worry less maybe he can help out with a few more of the bills? Even if it's just the smaller one's. I'm glad to hear he is willing to pay for the childcare however, and one big weight off you is a start.

7Days · 27/09/2014 01:14

Not stupid at all - it's very understandable. Do you have a minimum income level at which you are happy and secure? I think everyone has that, at whatever level, which is healthy. Or is it that work is insecure, so you can never say x for living expenses, y for savings, and z for spending. Insecurity at work is a big thing.

SouthernShepherdess · 27/09/2014 01:15

weirdie my dear you do not sound stupid.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 27/09/2014 01:26

You do need to get a better work life balance though. Financial security is one thing but you need to live.
Enjoy your family. Work to live rather than the other way round.

Original poster
weirdiebeardie · 27/09/2014 01:31

The problem is our minimum income level is so huge. 2 kids under 3 in childcare, dog, house in great area so big mortgage but it's a half finished building site. The past 2 years have just seen our living expenses triple. It feels scary, but it's just happened...

You're right whatdo, but I don't know how to balance it without feeling like I'm going to lose control of everything though...

OP posts:
SouthernShepherdess · 27/09/2014 01:36

Like I say..perhaps your other half can help with the lesser bills? I really don't know your finances, so just a mere suggestion. Try to pamper yourself, even if it's a nice hot chocolate or a warm bath with some nice pampering bath foam.

Original poster
weirdiebeardie · 27/09/2014 01:42

Yes you're right- Pampering would be a full nights sleep :) I might try and grab one of those soon

DP has agreed to take more financial responsibility so I hope that stops some of my anxiety when it's in action.

OP posts:
SouthernShepherdess · 27/09/2014 01:48

You've got to get your sleep. Best be off here then and glad he has agreed. Best wishes to you. Cake

SouthernShepherdess · 27/09/2014 01:48

And why am I still up? More of a night owl than ever I am!

Preciousbane · 27/09/2014 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heraldgerald · 27/09/2014 09:26

I dont think yabu but it sounds like you have an awful lot on. I do feel very similar to you.... But don't let it take over all the house too. You are probably more driven than most, just take very good care of yourself that between the financial pressure and the sleeplessness and the raising of two small children that you don't crumple. Take some pressure off yourseld, if you can. Be preventative. Well done on all your achievements Thanks

heraldgerald · 27/09/2014 09:27
  • all the other things

bloody phone

formerbabe · 27/09/2014 09:28

I am exactly the same op...I believe its a response to the anxiety you felt as a child....IMO its more about the anxiety rather than the money.

CatKisser · 27/09/2014 09:30

You are totally reasonable, OP.
My work and my potential to earn is hugely important to me. I would never, ever voluntarily put myself in a position where I can't earn my own money. I feel so angry and upset when I read about women on here being treated like shit by vile men but they feel they can't leave because they have no income of their own.
Money and the potential to earn it really does mean a strong level of "safety."

Iggly · 27/09/2014 09:30

You've chosen to get a big mortgage. As have I.

But I am slowly realising that actually there are cheaper places to live and my children's education will not fall apart. I'm just happier with what I know and feel comfortable with.

We are going to move and pay off a big chunk of mortgage because I'm tired of not having enough money.

The cost of living has rocketed. My take home pay has fallen over the last few years because of austerity. It is hard and tiring.

So yanbu.

GreenPetal94 · 27/09/2014 09:43

I agree with you that money is safety.

But I think we have gone down a slightly different path, in that we stayed in a 3 bed flat so our mortgage is almost paid off and very small.

Also I was happy to pretty much live of dh's income when the kids were v young. I did have a part-time job but took lots of maternity leave and after childcare we were not much better off with me working. But it did help me to have a good job now and quite a lot of disposable income which I am really loving. Partly its fun to do stuff, but mainly I enjoy the fact that the worry about money is gone.

ememem84 · 27/09/2014 09:55

Yep. Agree. Money is safety.

Having a chunk stashed away means in an emergency I'd be ok.

mumblechum1 · 27/09/2014 10:44

MY dh is a bit like you, OP, brought up in extreme poverty, partly in and out of care homes etc.

He's now financially v successful, having worked really really hard and is VP of a giant pharma company now and has relaxed over the last few years since we paid the mortgage off and built up savings to last us if he loses his job.

I think it's very common for driven people who have had extremely tough childhoods to build a wall of money around them iykwim so that they can never be that poor again.

And this very tough period of having 2 children in childcare, massive mortgage etc will pass before you know it. You do need to take your foot off a little bit and appreciate your children while they're tiny, as it doesn't last long! Certainly my DH missed out hugely as a dad as he was always working 18 hour days, often abroad, and regrets it now.