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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too hard on the school?

99 replies

Rockingrobin69 · 26/09/2014 14:13

My DD has just started reception this september so I am new to the school environment and protocol. One of the children in her class is causing a lot of problems during play time, hitting, biting, scratching the other kids.

every day my dd comes home with another story about this other child, shouting "bad words" at the teacher, fighting the other kids, pinching and taunting them in the playground.

What can the teachers actually do at reception age to control this behaviour? Am I being unreasonable to think the school should be doing more than they are so this behaviour doesnt keep on happening on a daily basis? Its only three weeks into term so I am worried that I am being too judgemental.

OP posts:

ILovePud · 26/09/2014 22:18

Your poor DD, I hope this hasn't tainted her view of school too much. I find it so sad that you've come on here for some advise and people are having a go at you for 'gossiping'. It's not gossiping to discuss these concerns with other parents to see if their children are also being targeted. Whatever issues this other child and their parents may have your DD and her classmates shouldn't be having to go to school everyday worrying that they're going to be attacked. You've done the right thing speaking to the teacher too, if this continues I'd put in writing the concerns you have about your DD's safety and how this is effecting her and ask what they are doing to ensure the risks are minimised.

BeyondRepair · 26/09/2014 22:26

Poor op, Its horrid when everything is new, you suddenly feel cut off from whats going on, there is no feedback like nursery!

you dont know whats normal or what to say, or whats expected.

well this is un acceptable and it needs to be sorted asap.

set a time limit, talk to teachers and head, keep in the loop, keep polite, and keep an eye on it.

you have done the right thing, dont worry.

BeyondRepair · 26/09/2014 22:28

You must have read their policies & trusted they know how to deal with behavioural issues before applying for the school

whats written in a statement and what goes on in real life is all very different.

PersonOfInterest · 26/09/2014 22:29

And no its not normal. Happens sometimes but not normal.

NoMoreHappyMrsChicken · 26/09/2014 23:09

I agree with bronya it isn't acceptable.

If my child had been injured twice by this child, I would be at the school each time asking what they were going to do to keep her safe. The fact that it may take some pupils time to "settle in" isn't your problem, the school need to manage that.

However, I wouldn't be discussing this with other parents. They are not the ones who can do something about this situation.

NoMoreHappyMrsChicken · 26/09/2014 23:12

OP I didn't mean to sound harsh about the discussing with other parents comment.

I work in schools so feel confident in expressing my expectations but understand that you may not know what the "done thing" is.

Please go and speak to the school. Your child deserves to be looked after as much as the child who is being physical.

slinkyfiggy · 26/09/2014 23:31

It does make me laugh how the general tone on these types of threads is that well behaved children at school should just put up and shut up, and how everyone should be so understanding and tolerant about children that just cannot behave themselves.

Why are the children that get picked on by badly behaved kids less important than the badly behaved kids?

slinkyfiggy · 26/09/2014 23:33

And now no one is allowed to mention to any other parents that a child has hurt their child! As long as the naughty kids are protected/not upset then that's all that matters, eh

Momagain1 · 26/09/2014 23:45

Yes, three weeks at the beginning of term at the beginning of reception is an awfully short time to expect a child with behaviourl issues to have had them all resolved and to be completely dealt with, over and done.

Given all of the newness, and changes, and adjusting they may well only just now be admitting that this child is not just going to simply calm down and settle in, just now beginning to be moving on from the basics of time out to considering the problem more deeply. This may be undiagnosed special needs, or a bad home situation. Neither of those are going to be resolved any time soon.

If your child is being targeted, deal with that. If not, help himunderstand that some children have a harder time with school, crowds, sitting still, (or whatever seems the behaviour yoyr child is most surprised at.) and that everyone has to be patient.

MidniteScribbler · 26/09/2014 23:46

"so this is normal then to have one or two of these per class?"

These? You do remember that you are talking about children, right?

BeyondRepair · 26/09/2014 23:49

Patient yes, but in the mean time having your child attacked, NO NO NO.

No parent is going to sacrifice the safety and well being of their own child who is in the same boat.....to make a violent child feel OK...?

how ridiculous!

AngelsOnHigh · 26/09/2014 23:59

Personally speaking, I think 4 is much too young to be in a formal school setting.

They should be at home (I know, practically impossible these days) or in a pre-school setting.

Cric · 27/09/2014 00:17

The school are most likely doing a lot to help the child settle in but they won't share that information with you because you are not the parent. Talk to the school about any incident that involves your child but beyond that it isn't anyone's business. Just as the school would not discuss your child's progress and achievements (academic or social).

Cric · 27/09/2014 00:18

With other parents.

bronya · 27/09/2014 07:00

Basically OP, talk to the school and complain about the inadequate supervision EVERY time your child is hurt. They will do something if parents complain.

Sirzy beyond reception/nursery, having a TA in class is not about levels of supervision. I can reassure you that one teacher can adequately supervise 30 children from Y1 upwards, on their own, with no problems at all!

formerbabe · 27/09/2014 09:43

And now no one is allowed to mention to any other parents that a child has hurt their child! As long as the naughty kids are protected/not upset then that's all that matters, eh

What's the point? The other parents can't do much can they? All that happens is that one child becomes demonized.

gamerchick · 27/09/2014 09:53

Yep and the parents wind each other up.. The kids listen and chip in with stuff whether it's true or not (like yanno being blamed for stuff when the kid wasn't even in school that day...more common than you think) and kids love to be rewarded by their parents rapt attention on something they're bitching about. Then the kid in question is demonised, the mother glared at and ostrisised. . loud comments made and if you're unlucky an aggressive parent who will threaten you direct.

That's what happens when you gossip with the other parents.

Ticklemonster897 · 27/09/2014 10:14

Gamer, I've never seen that happen and I have lots of children. Any parental discussion about children is caring unless the behaviour falls into bullying, then it all becomes more emotive but with good consideration towards the bully still

Sirzy · 27/09/2014 10:15

Tas are needed just as much in every other class. They may have a different purpose but that doesn't mean they are less needed. Very few schools have spare tas to allow for them to be moved without it causing disruption elsewhere.

BeyondRepair · 27/09/2014 10:29

What's the point? The other parents can't do much can they? All that happens is that one child becomes demonized

I think its important to know whether one child is singling out another or - the child in question has issues and is generally disruptive.

gamerchick · 27/09/2014 10:47

Ahh right so I just imagined it then alright

Although I did forget about the bit where patents go en mass after they've wound each other up trying to get your kid kicked out of school.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/09/2014 11:04

OP It isn't acceptable to have children in a class being hurt everyday. As lots of people on here have said, three weeks is an awfully short time to put in place procedures and support that will help a child with issues, whether they are down to SN or simply not being ready for school. But that isn't what you're in need of. You're in need of the school safeguarding your child. And you are absolutely right to expect that of them. You need to make a complaint every time your child is hurt and to complain if their school experience is poor (whatever the reason). Talking to other parents about what is happening is not necessarily gossiping. Exchanging information is an important part of ensuring you aren't wrong footed or short changed. Their is a power imbalance when dealing with schools and sometimes schools take advantage of that to move more slowly on some issues. Knowing if they are minimizing is important. Don't hype things up. Don't exaggerate. Don't blame. But do listen. And most importantly listen to your child.

Several of the parents in my school were concerned our children were being hurt by an older child during lunchtime. It was only because we spoke to each other at the gates that we found out it wasn't an isolated issue involving just our child and "probably more about personalities" but was the work of a small group of yr2 children who treated lots of smaller children badly. The school had being trying to minimize (and I think ignore a little because lunchtime is more difficult for the teachers to handle) and were fobbing each of us off individually. Once we realized though they weren't able to do that anymore and started to deal with the problem (which they did pretty well once they tried).

ILovePud · 27/09/2014 13:49

gamerchick, it sounds like you had some unhelpful responses and unpleasant experiences when your DC was being aggressive in school but you are talking as though are lynch mob mentality is inevitable, I think OP is being very measured and that you are projecting a bit. It's understandable that parents will be concerned and talk to each other if their DC are coming home having been hit, bitten and taunted as OP has outlined.

hamptoncourt · 27/09/2014 15:39

It's very difficult. when my DS was in reception he was targeted by a boy who was really violent towards him "because he liked him and wanted to play with him." The boy had real problems in his behaviour and was often violent to other children and staff.

However, the parent was in total denial that his son had any SN and refused to engage with the school or any referral agencies. The school temporarily excluded the boy every now and then and to be honest I think his life at school was hellish - constantly being told off because he could not sit still/concentrate/had anger management issues. I felt really sorry for him but when he stabbed my DS in the eye with a pair of scissors I had enough and went to the board of governors and threatened them with legal action.

The parent finally agreed to a referral and medication for his son which resolved the situation, but it took the school threatening a permanent exclusion to achieve this.

I think schools get unfairly blamed a lot when actually it is either that the poor parent is desperately waiting for assessment and diagnosis , or really couldn't care less.

inloominotnorti · 27/09/2014 15:47

A boy hurt one of my kids a lot sometimes on purpose and sometimes not. I haven't told the mum and I haven't talked to the other mums about it. Reception is the age where this kind of thing happens for the first few months.

Obviously if it continues I will mention it to the school. Just best to let things settle down.

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