Am I being too hard on the school?

[Rockingrobin69]

My DD has just started reception this september so I am new to the school environment and protocol. One of the children in her class is causing a lot of problems during play time, hitting, biting, scratching the other kids.

every day my dd comes home with another story about this other child, shouting "bad words" at the teacher, fighting the other kids, pinching and taunting them in the playground.

What can the teachers actually do at reception age to control this behaviour? Am I being unreasonable to think the school should be doing more than they are so this behaviour doesnt keep on happening on a daily basis? Its only three weeks into term so I am worried that I am being too judgemental.

Gossiping about a 4yo's behaviour is nasty.

What would you call gossiping?

I asked a friend of mine about a certain child in the class (Y3) who had been bullying her child when my child came under the same child's spotlight. I asked what the school had done, if she think it worked, how they handled it etc. I also spoke to the teacher about it. I'm very glad that my friend had told me her child had been bullied and we could talk about it together, I think it was really helpful.

Two weeks is not long in a reception environment in terms of behaviour. They are all still learning to socialise together.

I was the parent that had the 'naughty' child in reception. I was gossiped about and avoided in the playground, all because my son has ASD and couldn't cope in school. It takes schools time to sort out plans and put support in place for children with SN, 3 weeks is not long enough. Again it could be a simple settling in issue for the child which also takes time. Unless the child hurts yours then please don't gossip in the playground. It's not nice being on the receiving end when you are helpless to do anything.

Also be aware that children do often take the easy route of blaming the "naughty child" even when it's not them. So whereas your dc is saying "It's Billy again hitting people" it may not always be him.

I remember when dd2 was telling me about one of the dc in her class and he'd done something "terrible", and I stopped her part way through and said "It can't have been him-he was in A&E with his mum all the time while I was there with ds". She stopped thought a bit and said "Oh yes, it wasn't him, it was

I think it's a tricky balance. Yes, DCs do sometimes take time to settle but sometimes it is more than that and if your DD has been hurt then you are entitled to ask the school how they are fulfilling their duty of care to her.

I am completely biased as we had a similar issue in P1. The school were very slow to act, very dismissive about the scale of the problem and it developed into our DC being bullied extensively for a year until we moved them to a different school. The bully has now moved on to bullying someone else as the school still hasn't addressed the problem. It's not about demonising another child, it's about encouraging the school to put the correct support in place for everyone to ensure they all feel safe at school.

As DeWee said, you have to be very wary of believing a child's version of events. Obviously if the child is actually hurt, then it's perfectly normal to ask questions and to talk to the school about it, but if it's just stories of "X did this and that," take it all with a very large pinch of salt. Bear in mind that children make up stories about you at school and tell the teachers, and the teachers know not to take it too seriously.

Hang back for now and see what happens. It might well calm down fairly fast. If it's still a problem after half term then chat to the teacher again and see what's going on. Stop discussing it in the playground - that is terrible behaviour and never acceptable. If you must talk about it with other parents do it somewhere else where you won't look like a gossiping bully.

worralliberty I didnt mention my child being hurt as i didnt think it was specifically relevent to my questions in my original post. This post was aimed at the school not my or other mothers conduct in the playground!

Yes, but imo that is what gives you the right to ask questions about the school's dealings with this child, because you need them to safeguard your DD if she's getting marked.

The affects his behaviour has on anyone else's child is neither here nor there, where you are concerned.

*effects

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask the school what they are doing if this behaviour has been going on for 3 weeks. It can take time to sort out the behaviour of some children, but they should still be putting steps in place to manage the situation.

The child may have/be undergoing assessment for SEN but even if this is the case other children should not have to put up with being hurt or learning severely disrupted, whatever the circumstances.

ive spoken to the head informally and also other mothers...

Gossiping already hey?!

formerbabe

Are you saying that if your child is being hurt/bullied by another child you should keep it a secret?

You tend to find that due to inclusion policies and lack of funding, children that should be in a more specialist provision or should have 1-1 support from an assistant, support plans in place etc etc etc don't have because the funding doesn't allow it. If you have a child with challenging behaviour in a class of however many 4-5 yr old children with only one teacher it's impossible to have eyes everywhere all of the time and often the support is just not there.

So you are all gossiping about the mother and her child? Not nice!

There;s often no help for DC who need more....despite their poor parents having to beg for it. Try to be more understanding. My friend's DD LOOKED like a little horror but in fact had various learning difficulties and some serious ones which went undiagnosed. In reception she slapped, kicked and ran around....my friend had an awful time with other MOthers looking daggers at the little one despite my friend asking for an assesment and support from SALT.

Eventually she got a place in a special school where the other parents don't judge. SHe's much happier.

Theses a huge difference in gossiping with mums you don't really know and gaining support/advice from a friend totally confidentially.

Yes it's normal to have a bit if hitting with some reception children - say two or three in a class of 25. However most children grow out of it by juniors, substantially calming down in years 1/2.

Some will go on to be assessed by educational psychologists and will have needs that must be met in order to succeed in main stream.

The best thing you can do is have on going dialogue with the teacher, calmly raising each incident as it happens. If things get really unbearable (bulling), keep a detailed log. Your child's needs are just as important as the other child's needs.

Also just to add, some children get really exhausted in infants and they struggle with behaviour as a result. They are usually well behaved children normally

As an ex-teacher, I would say that it is NOT acceptable for one child to be causing others regular harm, especially hard enough to leave marks. Children should feel safe in school. I have known a few who needed extra support - one child who couldn't speak English so was frustrated, and several with special needs. There were staff available to shadow children if necessary, and extra intervention to help them settle/deal with other children/learn to communicate better/whatever they needed.

The OP's issue as a parent of another child in the class, is that EVERY child matters - equally. The child who is hitting out needs help, and everyone else deserves to be safe too. Better supervision is needed.

Kendodd...if my child was being bullied I would not discuss it with other mums in the class....it wouldn't necessarily be a secret but there is no need to discuss with third parties. I would raise concerns with the school only.

Op...your DC has just started reception. Many children respond differently and there is no point singling out another child and its mum so early on.

Not all schools do have the extra staff to shadow though certainly not on a constant 1-1 basis. I bet there isn't a reception class in the country where ideally they wouldn't need more staff to help supervise things but money doesn't allow it.

My old school would pull a TA from another class if needed to keep the children safe.

This child and parent need support and not gossip and judgements. The poor child obviously has issues that they need to work on.

So then leave another class not having the right level of supervision. It's a no win situation in that sense

If your child is regularly coming home having been hurt by this child I'd be going in to speak to someone. She needs to feel safe, not end up scared to go to school.

Yes, the other child may need help too.

This made me laugh amyhamster

^Did you like the school when you looked right ?

You must have read their policies & trusted they know how to deal with behavioural issues before applying for the school^

Are you in this country? Do you know in many areas there is only one school for miles. In other areas the idea of 'choice' is notional and children may be assigned a place at a school that's not even on their list of preferences.

Whao, you really hit a nerve, OP. You are being accused of gossiping about the mother too, though at no point have you said anything personal about the mother.

Of course it is your business, OP. If the school is not dealing with this situation it could become a nightmare. You child and the other children should feel safe at school. And the child who is hitting needs help too, of course.

I was the mother of one of those kids in reception. They need to put something in place I agree.

By all means complain to the school but stop gossiping with the other parents as it makes you look like a twat.