Mil woes and Dh on her side as usual

[Doubtfuldaphne]

I've been to counselling with Dh regarding his inability to stand by me in family matters (his family come before anything else)
The sessions ended not long ago and I was hoping we'd be ok now.
Last night Dh tells me that mil wants dd (3) to stay at her house overnight without us.
I don't think it's a great idea because dd has never stayed anywhere without us and is a terrible sleeper (wetting herself, sleep walking, coming in to our bed) I said it would be too much for her as she's so young.
Dh couldn't understand this and said it would be good for her.
I stood my ground and said he needs to see my POV and he must explain to mil the reasons I don't think it's a good idea instead of just saying a blunt 'no, doubtful doesn't want her to go' as it makes me look a cow.
He has agreed to explain this to her but I still feel really pissed off about this.
Her other gc stayed alone with her since birth so there are a lot of comparisons to that, but as I said, everyone's different and what works for others doesn't work for us
I just have it in my head that he thinks i'm being awkward and will never bloody agree on anything and will always take his family's side.

I did tell Dh a compromise is the best option and for us all to stay which he said he's ok with but I could sense a lot of tension. I don't see why mil would need dd alone and without the rest of the family.
I wouldn't be comfortable leaving dd with my parents yet either.

If your dd has never spent a lot of time alone with your mil then no of course she shouldn't just expect her to stay overnight.

Could you do some visits? Maybe build up to her staying a night eventually?

I read a lot of these threads about dm's and mils wanting gc's to stay overnight alone with them, and I just think it's strange. If that's what your family do that's great, but to try and pressure people into it is weird.
However your DH does sound like he's supporting you albeit reluctantly so I would cut him some slack here. At least he's supporting you in your decision.

At some point she will stay over, try build her up to that. I don't think it's unreasonable for your dd's gm to want some time alone with her.

Plenty of people are happy to leave three year olds overnight with grandparents though, so while it's entirely up to you and your DH whether you are happy to do that with your own child, your DH isn't in the wrong for disagreeing with you. Nor is he taking someone else's side, he just has a different opinion to you.

And if he's agreed to compromise by you all staying, then if can't see the problem.

You can't take every difference of opinion as a personal insult, or that he is taking his family's side against yours. His opinion is as valid as yours is, the fact that it agrees with his mothers opinion is irrelevant.

What is it with some husbands? mine is the same, puts his parents before his wife and children (perticulary his wife)
If we ever have an argument it is always because of this.

LL12, glad it's not just me. I think the fact he's agreed albeit reluctantly to compromise must show the counselling has worked. I hope! Maybe give it a go ll12!
I just hope that if there's ever an argument again he doesn't bring this incident up.

Might suggest it Doubtfuldaphne, It drives me mad, he can't see what they do and what they cause, or maybe just doesn't want to.
His parents can be very rude to me but of course never in front of him. He will side with them even though I am very upset because as he says "I didn't hear what was said".
After 17 years of marriage it still goes on.
Good luck to you.

Obviously he has form for being unsupportive but not seeing that he's doing anything wrong here. A (reasonable) suggestion has been made, you've (reasonably) discussed it found you (reasonably) disagree on whether it's a good thing or not and now he's going to respect your reservations and speak to his mum.

Trust me, she will hold you responsible for the decision regardless of what he says if she doesn't like it -even my lovely MiL tends to think the things we do with the kids that she would do differently must be my idea.

I think your decision is fine btw -my kids didn't have sleep overs til age 6 and 8 - but I also think its fine for parents to make different decisions.

I don't understand, it seems your MiL wanted to spend time with your DD, you said No, DH agreed to tell her why, and you're still upset?
Furthermore what will your compromise be in the future, it might be good for your DD to have experience staying away from you for a night, it'd certainly be good for you and DH to have time to yourselves and DD will not be the child at a sleepover crying and wanting collecting?
I'm glad your counselling worked and I hope you go from strength to strength.

I know lots if grandchildren stay overnight but it was never for us.

And I adored my inlaws and my parents are fine but no overnights for our 4 or sleepovers until they were at least 11.

However it's not unusual either but in your case it would be maddness. Obviously your dd isn't ready for that yet.

Tell them to wait until she's older. What's the rush.

charitybelle I totally agree.Is it a cultural or even a power thing?I've looked after all 3 of my DGC's in a baby sitting capacity since they were born,and yes,overnight sometimes.This was always at their parent's request and never mine.Why the hell would you ask or even demand that DGC's stop over? I honestly have no idea.daphne, your DH seems to have just paid lip service to the counsellor.Sorry but he does need to step up and be one hundred percent behind you.

Doubtfuldaphne

I don't think it's a great idea because dd has never stayed anywhere without us

That's almost a self-fulfilling thing though isn't it because if you use the reason that she has never slept out as a reason not to sleep out then she will never sleep out will she?

I agree with WooWooOwl - your husband is entitled to have a different opinion to you about what is best for your DD. You don't have to interpret it as him siding with MIL against you.

Also, I wondered about you saying I think the fact he's agreed albeit reluctantly to compromise must show the counselling has worked - as this implies you only think the counselling has worked if your husband comes round to your way of thinking and not that he is entitled to a perfectly valid view on something concerning your daughter.

It might just be the way you've phrased things but I'm sensing a bit of "my husband disagrees with me and I'm not happy about it".

Does your dd want to stay overnight at granny's?

I'm not a big fan of making a child completely dependent on one thing being available all the time (i.e. can't POSSIBLY stay overnight anywhere unless mummy and daddy are there) - to my mind part of parenting is making sure that if something awful happens to you, your child won't have the double whammy of suddenly having to learn to transfer trust to someone else for the first time. A 3 year old is not too young to spend the night with another trusted adult, it's completely normal for toddlers much younger than her to overnight with granny occasionally. But having said that, a 3 year old isn't a parcel. You don't send her to mil's house because it's what mil wants, you do it if it's what's best for her.

I do think you need to consider that your DH thinks it would be best for her. I don't see what difference it makes to her readiness to spend a night with a trusted adult who isn't you whether she sleeps poorly and wets the bed, provided MIL is happy to deal with it. Why do you think she isn't ready? You haven't even mentioned her being unhappy about it, which would be the only factor for me.

I don't think it's necessary at all. Maybe fun or desirable but not necessary.

None of my children enjoyed sleepovers really. They went but really preferred their own beds like me and dh do.

It's personal preference not a strength of character test or a rote of passage.

They all leave home eventually. My older ones managed uni life. My teens are fine.

No granny sleepovers here as they didn't choose to.

I suspect the not wanting to stay overnight is a matter of trust.

For my dc first overnight I wanted:

1. To be confident if they got upset and not comfort-able then I would be called.
2. Close enough to fetch quickly
3. Be allowed to phone and say goodnight/good morning if they wanted to
4. If they wet the bed/wake up early/other child like behaviour don't get into trouble

Now my problem with if someone was presurising me to leave them would be I wouldn't be confident of 1 or 3 there. 2 is obviously depending on where you live, and 4 depends on the person.

your husband is entitled to have a different opinion to you about what is best for your DD.

I agree with this in principle. In this context, though, it is a bit unrealistic. According to OP, her husband has never defended her or shown that his first priorities are with her & their child, not his parents - to the extent that they've had to go to counselling about the issue.

Given that, the DH only really has himself to blame if OP sees his stance on this as being a case of siding with MIL. Also, I'd guess the issue isn't that OP doesn't accept he can have a different parenting opinion, more that she suspects it's NOT really a parenting opinion as such (ie. his considered views about his daughter's wellbeing), more just his fear of offending his mum. Not the same thing.

I agree, OP, that your DH should present this to MIL as a family decision, but not sure if it is such a good idea for him to go into all the reasons in detail. My MIL has been very overbearing about various issues in the past, & DH & I have found that stating our position with a very brief explanation, rather than loads of detailed reasons, works better. The latter can sound like you're just piling on excuses, or as if you feel the need to justify your parenting decisions to MIL. So I'd say "Sorry, DD isn't ready for overnight stays yet" rather than lots of detail about the bedwetting etc. etc.

The art of negotiation is to always say "Yes". Even when the answer is actually No. Assuming your MIL is not a toxic old bag or would be mean to your DD if she wet the bed then yabu to refuse

So, I would simply say, "That sounds like a lovely idea. It would be nice to get away/out for the evening. You will need to tell your mum that DD still wets the bed/gets up frequently/and is generally a poor sleeper though. Do you think your Mum will be ok with her if she has a terrible night/ruins a mattress or is DD likely to be treated harshly?"
Alternatively "Yes, as soon as DD stops wetting the bed [lets say a month of dry nights] and is sleeping through most nights, I'm very happy for her to stay with your Mum". That way, the answer is yes, but with preconditions.

Personally, I try to remember that if I was run over by a bus in the morning, DH would probably have to move MIL in. So I am very careful crossing the road but I try to give her some lee way to build trust and a relationship with my children. If she ever gives me cause to think that my children are not being well-treated though, that would be the end of any overnight visits.

Where do you get that from Loonvan?

Unless the OP has lots of previous posts on the issue that I've missed, how do we know that the DH has needed to defend his wife against his family? There is nothing to say that they are attacking the OP for her to need defending, only that the grandma would like to have her granddaughter to stay, presumably because she loves her and appreciates quality time with her.

Men shouldn't need to routinely go at wound showing that their wives take priory over their mothers, there doesn't have to be some kind of competition. From what OP has said so far, there's as much reason to believe that she is the one needlessly finding fault with her inlaws as there is to think it's the other way round.

And either way, on this staying over issue, why should the DH pretend that he agrees with the OP even when he doesn't just to prove that she is his priority over his mother? That would be crazy behaviour, and presumably he wants his daughter to be well cared for and happy just as much as OP does.

I always find this odd as when we were little me and my sister always stayed at out grandparents from a very young age and lived it.

My dad very regularly has my sisters children overnight and has done since they were about 18 months.

I can't wait until my DS is old enough to have sleepovers with other relatives.

I really don't see what the problem is.

We'll it's still personal preference really isn't it.

Great if for you was definatly not for us. Each to their own.

My mil was ace by the way.

I can't see me and dh clamouring for overnights with future gc either.

We had our 4 and obviously will love and treat any gc and overnight in an emergency but can't see it being a regular thing.

We have our own lives.

what exactly about staying overnight with Mil without you, does your DH think would be 'good for her'? I don't understand that at all - it sounds to me like he thinks she should get used to not being with you, is that right? Why would that be - she's 3, FFS. DD would have hated that, she's 4.9 now and has never done an overnighter without us (though that's for practical reasons as much as anything).

I think your reaction is perfectly reasonable. And although I don't entirely get the sleeping over from a young age thing, to want it isn't unreasonable either.
I honestly think the best thing is to say 'Not now, but let's work up to it with visits to MIL etc'.

Take it at DD's pace, work up to her staying over. Because unless your MIL is completely evil and irresponsible, it's a nice thing to happen and your DD will enjoy it.