Mil woes and Dh on her side as usual

[Doubtfuldaphne]

I've been to counselling with Dh regarding his inability to stand by me in family matters (his family come before anything else)
The sessions ended not long ago and I was hoping we'd be ok now.
Last night Dh tells me that mil wants dd (3) to stay at her house overnight without us.
I don't think it's a great idea because dd has never stayed anywhere without us and is a terrible sleeper (wetting herself, sleep walking, coming in to our bed) I said it would be too much for her as she's so young.
Dh couldn't understand this and said it would be good for her.
I stood my ground and said he needs to see my POV and he must explain to mil the reasons I don't think it's a good idea instead of just saying a blunt 'no, doubtful doesn't want her to go' as it makes me look a cow.
He has agreed to explain this to her but I still feel really pissed off about this.
Her other gc stayed alone with her since birth so there are a lot of comparisons to that, but as I said, everyone's different and what works for others doesn't work for us
I just have it in my head that he thinks i'm being awkward and will never bloody agree on anything and will always take his family's side.

I was just going by the first sentence of the OP, woowooowl - though I grant it says he never stands by her, rather than defends her, so I may be reading more into it.

Re. this particular issue, I was looking at the way OP says she explained all the (very real) issues to DH, & that he just didn't understand & said it would be good for DD. I'd have thought, if he had a different view, he'd be able to respond to some of her points - eg. reassure her that MIL would be kind & understanding re. bedwetting, as she'd had to deal with it with one of the other GC (for example). I was assuming that a discussion of that nature didn't happen - "he couldn't understand" - which sounds more like OP felt her concerns weren't taken seriously / listened to at all.

I agree it shouldn't be a competition between wives & mothers, but it sounds like that's exactly how OP feels it is - & that thus far she's always been the loser. Of course it's hard to judge that without more background info. DH has gone along to counselling, & OP says she thought things had improved, so I'm guessing her DH did acknowledge there was an issue with his attitude to her / his family & tried to address it. Unless it was just to keep the peace!

Fair enough! It would be interesting to hear why the DH thinks they went to counselling.

DD (9) has never had overnights at her GPs without us.

She has had a couple of nights without us, but with family babysitters in her own house.

A month ago she had her first sleepover at a friends and she loved it. Last weekend she stayed at another friends and loved that too.

There is no need for DD to stay at her GPs without us, she's never requested it and I don't know why any of them would want it . Not staying at her GPs hasn't affected her in any way

I feel a little bit sorry for your DH here, he has agreed to tell his mum that you have decided something that he doesn't really think, just to keep the peace. Still, you are criticising him on a forum and acting like he is wrong for not agreeing with you. You got your way, both on the issue and that he is talking to his mum essentially taking your side, what more do you want?

He did grow up with his mum, sometimes these difference of opinions can be simply that he can imagine staying there easily and you can't. Try to see that. I doubt he sees the reason you went to counselling in terms that are so one sided as his having a fault, did you actually listen at all?

(If I have cross posted with an enormous back story, then I take it back)!

Those people saying they didn't have DC at GPs until 11 etc - did your DCs never have sleepovers at friends either?

My DD has just started sleepovers at age 9. She didn't before because she didn't want to and none of her closest friends had any room to have them.

She had a couple at our house because we did have the room/time etc.

She has sleepovers now because her friends are different and she wants to go there, have fun, eat sweet and talk into the wee hours without being told off!

long no mine didn't until they were around 11.

They didn't want to really it wasn't like we banned them.

It's not compulsory you know!

They are fully functioning adults and teens now.

As this thread alone proves people have different views of sleepovers and that seems acceptable unless you are the DH, then not having the same opinion equates to being not supportive. If anyone stood there ground with me until I saw their point of view I would find that controlling.

I think the compromise was a good solution, we stay there together and go out so mil can do all the things she wants with dd eg bath, stories, etc. she doesn't see her that often, maybe twice a month as they live a long way away.
What put me off mainly was that if dd got upset, we wouldn't be able to just go and get her.
I remember going for a sleepover at my god mothers house at 3 or 4 and feeling so lost without my mum that I cried and cried until she picked me up. I always hated sleepovers. I know dd might be different but I just think she's too young.
I did say in a years time it would be ok.
I agree my Dh is entitled to his opinion but it's the back story of always siding with mil because he doesn't want to upset her. She was always used to having her own way. Until I came along with my own ways of doing things as every family is different. This has made me look like an awkward member of the family which I've always found really hard to accept. Dh sided with them and I'm constantly defending my decisions and it's caused massive rows.

I don't think the actual staying-with-grandparents issue is important here. Some children do, some don't, horses for courses.

I do see it as OP in competition with MIL - She was always used to having her own way. Until I came along with my own ways of doing things as every family is different

Your DH must find this situation very difficult and you obviously do - hence this post.

No advice really. I'm imagining entrenched positions which are rarely productive.

As it's a long way away - don't think I noticed that bit earlier - I can certainly see your concerns, Doubtfuldaphne, & agree that your staying too sounds like a good compromise.

My PIL are over 200 miles away & I think our boys were 6 when they first stayed overnight, though when we all went to stay we used to let PIL have as much time with them on their own as possible. PIL didn't ask to have them before then anyway.

I shouldn't worry too much about being seen as the "awkward one" by your MIL. It's annoying but that may be how she wants to see things, regardless of whether your DH sides with you or not.

My MIL can be very overbearing, & my DH does stand up to her & is happy to say no to some of her suggestions. I get blamed anyway, even when it clearly can't have been anything to do with me, as DH has said no to something immediately & before he's had any chance to confer with me! I've just had to accept that this is my MIL's preferred view of reality: that her son (& her grandsons) must of necessity have the same views / ideas on everything as she does, & if any of them express disagreement / don't cooperate then it must in some way be down to my malign influence! I've learned not to give too much of a shit over the years.

You have to think of your child first and going a long way away from her parents when she sleeps badly is not going to be for the best.

Can you just email MIL yourself with the reasons and with the suggestion of all coming to stay?

My PIL live the other side of the country. Our dc have stayed with them many times since they were babies. I find it precious when people say their children can't stay overnight with family members. But yes I know that's just my feelings and my opinion and I know people differ on this. I just don't get all the fretting - as a previous poster said 'they've never slept without me before' is a self fulfilling prophesy.

I'd like to hear your dh's point of view (and his mother's) on her 'always getting her way' and him not standing up to her til you came along.

My DH has sided with his mother on a few occasions. I kicked off big time and sulked for about 48hrs. Not very grown up or appropriate but it was at a time when I was finding things very stressful and difficult, putting off counselling etc. He still finds it difficult to say the right thing and says he's trying to please everyone - which is difficult when his wife and mother have very different opinions about things.

It doesn't matter that the issue is about grandchildren spending the night with their grandparents, the question has been asked and the answer has been given. Some grandchildren do on a regular basis, others never do. It's not an indication of the quality of the relationship. That should be the end of it.

backbystealth - how does that work though. Do you drive the DC's 200 miles to stay with GPS then you drive home? My parents live over 200 miles from us. The DCs only stay with them if we are staying too. It isn't that I don't trust them it's just it isn't practical to do anything else. If you live nearby you can just go home and collect them the next morning but not if it's several hours away.

well she can want it, it doesn't have to happen though!

Did she say that if you'd ever both like a night off she's happy to have her GD so to let her know?

Because that's the only acceptable wording imo.

GM wanting her for the night is just too bad!

I don't see the problem either.

Are you expecting your DH to back you up even when you are being unreasonable? Why should he - presumably he is entitled to his own opinion.

I think it's quite normal for 3 year olds to stay overnight with grandparents and clearly your DH thinks you are wrong.

Why not try discussion and compromise rather than laying down the law and expecting your DH to fall in line with your plans?

It's not about the sleepover really though is it. You are just annoyed that he agreed with his mother which sounds like a huge wedge in your relationship.
My DD loved sleepovers from about three, my son didn't.
I think they are a fine and healthy experience, my DH thinks they are are pain and pointless.
I don't get miffed with him because he disagrees. I don't see that as unsupportive. It's just a different opinion.
I would stop squabbling about topics and concentrate on the issue before your DD becomes the stick you and your mil beat each other with.

I have to say that you are coming across as a bit 'my way or no way' OP. He doesn't particularly agree with you but is backing you anyway, or is the issue that he doesn't agree with you and he should?

Did you learn anything from the counselling because the way you have presented this, the counselling was a way of getting your dh to realise that he is wrong and you are right. You don't have to answer that BTW as I realise its personal but perhaps its worth reflecting on?

I think it's clearly a thing that some familys do & some don't.

I don't think that MIL should just be expecting it.

OP, did you ever sleepover with your Gps?

Did your husband with his?

Maybe DH agrees with her?

He doesn't have to agree with you if he thinks you are being unreasonable.

The problem I have is your DH had no problem with it, he was over ruled and deemed not supportive. If he was a single/ separated he would be be able to have more input than he is now, he could spend all his contact time with his mother. Why can a man not side with his mother if he agrees, if roles where reversed and women where expected to play the dutiful wife agreeing with their mans every comment it would be laughed at.

Well that's another unknown isn't it?

Does he think it would be good or does he just want to let his mum do what she wants?

I feel a bit sorry for your dh too but get that there is a back story.
What if you took the mil out of the thought process? Your DH wants your dd to do something and you do not want her too - surely you both have a say in what your dd does? I suspect you are saying no and testing that dh will 'side with you' after going to counselling.
Does he ever get his own way?

backbystealth

Why is it precious?

My kids didn't want to. My inlaws or parents didn't ask. No biggie is it.

So you do. So what? Doesn't make you a better parent or your kids more adjusted and equally it doesn't matter a flying fuck if your kids love sleepovers or don't.

They are small for such a short time. Trust me they all move on. My older ones are off our hands now and weren't kicking and screaming for mummy and daddy.