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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the youngest sibling shouldn't get automatic priority?

57 replies

BabylonPoo · 23/09/2014 22:20

DD is 2.5 and we also have other DC aged 7, 8, 9. I'm very much for taking turns and sharing but DH thinks DD should get priority as she's younger. For example - if DC are at the park and DD wants a turn on something the other DC are on, he'll tell them to get off immediately, whereas I'd tell DD she needs to wait her turn. Similarly, if DD demands a toy one of her siblings is playing with, DH will demand they hand it over to keep herhappy.

While I sort of understand his logic that the older DC don't mind (yet) and it keeps the peace, he doesn't see my point of view that this special treatment ultimately means DD will expect everyone to bow down to her demands, which isn't going to happen in the real world.

AIBU to think she shouldn't get priority?

OP posts:
AnguaResurgam · 23/09/2014 22:24

It'll alter as she gets older and her understanding if the world changes.

And it's OK to have one set of procedures when out with Dad and a different set with Mum. DC are very adaptable, and this isn't a key issue.

I'd let it go.

NormHonal · 23/09/2014 22:26

I'd also let it go.

My DC2 is 3yo and I'm trying to teach my DC1 to pick her battles. If it's a day when I don't have the energy to argue, I will ask DC1 to just acquiesce and let DC2 do what they want, to fend off yet another tantrum.

I try not to make a habit of it, but I understand why it happens.

Momagain1 · 23/09/2014 22:28

He really is setting her up to be quite a snot when playing with her own age peers! You keep up your system, she needs it!

WooWooOwl · 23/09/2014 22:31

YANBU. 2.5 years old is old enough to begin to understand turn taking. Children cannot learn things that we don't teach them.

Bowlersarm · 23/09/2014 22:31

I wouldn't let it go!

She shouldn't get priority. She needs to take turns like all the other children. It's not fair otherwise, and smacks of favouritism in her favour.

Don't comply with it OP.

Marmiteandjamislush · 23/09/2014 22:32

Toddlers need to learn the world doesn't revolve around them. Keep doing what you are doing. I'd be having a serious word with DH actually, he will create major sibling rivalry if he isn't careful! Out of interest, is she the only girl?

KatieKaye · 23/09/2014 22:36

It's not fair on DD to let her think that she can always get her own way.
It's even more unfair on your older DC, and could even end up with an "us an against her" situation. It sounds as if your DH favours DD because of who she is, irrespective of her age and that is so unfair on the other children.
I'd have one set of rules for everyone, that includes sharing when asked, taking turns and learning that you don't get everything you want, especially if it belongs to someone else. DC are never too young to learn this.

Snapespotions · 23/09/2014 22:40

I agree with you, it isn't good for your youngest child to get her own way all the time. However, I would let your DH do things his way and you follow yours - not worth an argument and at least dd will get a bit of a reality check when she is with you!

PiperIsOrange · 23/09/2014 22:43

I will admit my youngest does get spoiled she is my last baby and everything is extra special as I will never get to do it again.

ChippingInLatteLover · 23/09/2014 22:44

He's doing the right thing :)

If what he's trying to do is turn her into a child no one else wants to play with and one her siblings resent.

Tell him to think about what signal this is sending to her and the others.

Now is the time to get her to learn to wait until someone is finished with something, whether that's the swing or a toy at home.

The Big One's are a lot older, but they're still small children.

ChippingInLatteLover · 23/09/2014 22:45

Piper what about your older child/ren?

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 23/09/2014 22:45

No, she isn't the only girl - she can just shout the loudest Grin

I just find it really undermining when I've been encouraging sharing/turn taking all day (and mostly she's happy to do so) then he comes home and demands she have everything her way.

It even applies with him - tonight we were taking the dog out and he asked me if she needed a jumper on (!) and I said yes. When he tried to put it on her, she refused repeatedly and after the third no he said to me (in front of her) does she really need it on? Then pulled a face when I said that she'd never listen to him if she gets her own way by saying no.

OP posts:
Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 23/09/2014 22:46

Oh definatly no.

Your littlie is already the baby and much younger do your older ones will automatically give way to her without your dh butting in.

We had to be quite strict with our younger dds as their brothers adored them and there was a 9/10 year age gap.

You need to be more strict in not spoiling her not less. Iycwim.

2 is old enough to take turns anyway.

Don't let your dh cause sibling tension. Spoilt kids are not popular.

Agree with you op.

PiperIsOrange · 23/09/2014 22:47

I have 1 other child ( DH has had the snip) he had his fair share.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 23/09/2014 22:48

Oh fuck just read your last post.

No just no op. She will play you like a fiddle. Tell your dh to get a bloody grip and parent her just like the others.

Definatly no undermining you. That way is madness.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 23/09/2014 22:59

I just hate it because he sees the value in how I parent (I.e. You need to be wearing your jumper and DD complies vs. his: shall I pop your jumper on? And tears and refusal) but seems frightened of upsetting her.

Last night she was playing happily while he read the paper, giving her no attention. She dropped something and he rushed across the room to pick it up for her because she cried out in frustration. She then got more frustrated because she wanted to do it herself and the more she shouted at him and pushed him away, the more he tried to cuddle/tickle/distract her by being silly thereby (in my opinion) rewarding rude behaviour with increased attention. He doesn't see that at all, though.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 23/09/2014 23:03

Ah, DD has Daddy twisted round her little finger!
With the jumper, I would give her the choice of jumper on and go out or back home to bed for not doing as she was told. Sounds harsh but she is the child and you are the parents. Of course that would only work if DH was on side! Which he isn't...
Why does he give in to her? It is not going to make her a happy, well adjusted child. Quite the reverse. And if your other DC don't resent the different treatment already ( and they would be very unusual if they didn't, as it seems very blatant and unfair) they will grow to realise there are rules for them and none for her.

LiegeAndLief · 23/09/2014 23:03

As an oldest child, YAsoNBU. The one phrase I have vowed never to use with my dc is "yes, but you know better / should hand it over / should get off now because you 're older".

ChippingInLatteLover · 23/09/2014 23:07

I have a bit of 2x4 if you want to knock some sense into him!!

We would be Having Words.

Are the older 3 his? Sorry to ask but it seems like one reason she might be getting the Princess treatment and he hasn't wised up to parenting a tyrant toddler.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 23/09/2014 23:08

That's the silly thing Katie - she isn't particularly wilful so one or two occasions of saying no jumper = no going out means she knows you mean it and will do as she's asked. I could understand if she was endlessly distraught but I think the thing that upsets her most is when DH doesn't reinforce the boundaries she has in place the rest of the time.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 23/09/2014 23:08

Leige Grin Yup. Being the eldest was a right barrel of laughs! Not.

ChippingInLatteLover · 23/09/2014 23:09

Of course she's upset, she doesn't know where the boundary is anymore and so she has to find it all over again, it's unsettling for them.

StillSquirrelling · 23/09/2014 23:14

YANBU - I totally agree that toddlers need to learn about things like waiting their turns and sharing. My almost 3 DS was a difficult baby and is a difficult child too (there's some question at nursery about whether he has SEN but I'm not convinced). Initially, DD1 and DD2 would pander to him and immediately hand over things to him etc but I asked them to stop doing it as it was teaching him that he got his own way all the time and when his friends came to visit he'd start snatching things off them, which I won't stand for. He now understands the concept of having to wait his turn (albeit whilst stood there moaning about it) and not getting his own way all the time. It seems to be working to some extent!

KatieKaye · 23/09/2014 23:16

Could you explain that to him? A lot of children do like boundaries, even if they push against them. It's the reinforcing that makes them feel secure. And as they get older there is the thrill of "now you are 5 you can do x, y, z"
I was taught to ice skate from a very early age, but Dad was insistent I couldn't have roller skates until I was four. Oh,the thrill of that birthday and feeling I was a big girl!
Do the older DC get any privileges because they are older? Like staying up a bit later?

immortalwife · 23/09/2014 23:18

Oh god tell her to bloody wait! My sisters 23 and seems to think everyone around her is selfish as my parents unwittingly did what your dh does. Please don't make that mistake as my sister is a nightmare to deal with sometimes as she genuinely doesn't see what peoples problems are with her being first priority!