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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend visited me with a rotten cold... And gave it to my five week old

82 replies

Moulesvinrouge1 · 23/09/2014 21:16

How do I approach it with her? I'm really cross, should I be a bit more forgiving as maybe she didn't really realise? I'm actually really upset about it. She held her for an hour before mentioning it!

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 24/09/2014 05:31

Diet, OP said she sneezed on the baby!

This friend has been really stupid and rude herself so it would hardly be rude of the OP to mention it. If you did that to someone then took the hump if they wee cross with you then you're a strange person.

OP, I would say something, not angrily but not jokey either. Just make it clear that small babies are vulnerable and have poor immune systems so it's always the best thing to stay away if you have a virus of any kind.

LizLimone · 24/09/2014 05:43

Good, Diet - if we can judge by your standards then hopefully the OP's idiot friend will take offense at any comment the OP makes and decide to never visit again. Win-win for all concerned I would think, especially for the poor baby!

Jill2015 · 24/09/2014 07:01

Dragged herself out of bed... That would annoy me. Some people don't think, grrr. I don't have children, and I am always excited to see family / friends new babies, but if I had anything (cold etc) I would stay away. I'm probably over cautious, but would prefer to be like that, than passing germs.
In your shoes, OP, I probably would say something to let her know, not necessarily confrontational, but she might think next time.

Congrats on your new baby!

ThrowAChickenInTheAir · 24/09/2014 07:12

I'd be pretty annoyed too. What a dense way to behave fgs Hmm.

Sorry but I think I would mention it. Hope she gets well soon Moules and they you're ok too. Blimmin visitors. They mean well but I can remember wishing they'd all just push off Wink

Many congratulations too.

diddl · 24/09/2014 07:18

Now I have to say that before I had kids, it probably wouldn't have occurred to me to stay away with "just" a cold.

But to have to drag myself out of bed??!!

i probably wouldn't contact her just to say how pissed off you are, but I'm sure next time she contacted about visiting I'd probbaly be asking if she was well enough to come?

FruitbatAuntie · 24/09/2014 08:34

My ex-FIL is still pissed off (8 yrs later) that he was refused entry to the Neonatal ICU to visit DS1 when he was born. He arrived with a stinking cold, sneezing loudly everywhere and had a hacking cough! The nurse took one look at him and said, 'Sorry, but there's no way I can let you in here!'. He thought she was being melodramatic.

I'd be pissed off at this OP, as it's pretty thoughtless. Yes, your baby will be exposed to all kinds of things day to day, but I would think most people would at least tell you they were ill and ask if it was okay for them to visit and/or cuddle your baby.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 24/09/2014 08:38

That is very annoying for you, OP, sympathies. Your friend was thoughtless, but I'd just forget it. Your baby will be fine and immune system strengthened ultimately but in the meantime good luck and congratulations

WowserBowser · 24/09/2014 08:40

I often think people are being PFB - but this would piss me off.

Fair enough if you or your husband have a cold and pass it on, but this could be avoided.

If i am meant to meet up with anyone with a baby/child - I will mention if i have a cold - gives them the option to still meet up or not.

angeltulips · 24/09/2014 08:43

Actually I think it's your DH you should direct your ire towards - not your friend. He was meant to be looking after the baby and if she was obviously snotty should not have handed pfb over! Is he always so silly?

Yabu to expect friends to know about newborn immunity - I certainly wouldn't before I had kids

HenriettaTurkey · 24/09/2014 08:47

Your 5 week old picking up a cold isn't the end of the world. But your friend 'dragging themselves out of bed' is thoughtless.

When ds1 was born my DSis didn't come to (long distance) visit with my dm & df as she had a cold & sore throat. It was her decision: not my pfb instructions!

Your friend seems to lack some common sense. Don't make a big deal, but next time she's to visit check she's cold free, 'as you passed your bugs on to dc last time'.

CPtart · 24/09/2014 08:56

Maybe she was thoughtless but I wouldn't say anything. You may be glad of that friend one day for help re babysitting.
DS2 got chicken pox at one week old off his brother. Now that was worrying!

Maisyblue · 24/09/2014 09:03

I think she sounds stupid, the last thing I'd do if I had a heavy cold is go and visit someone with a new born baby. I mean why would you do that.I wouldn't make an issue of it but perhaps next time you see her just mention the baby caught her cold. Why should she be oblivious to her stupidity. On the plus side your baby will strengthen her immunity.

divingoffthebalcony · 24/09/2014 09:29

YANBU.

I wouldn't drag myself out of bed to visit ANYONE, out of consideration for them. To expose a newborn to your stinking cold - when, I'm sure everyone would agree, it would be nicer if they didn't catch a cold so young - is selfish to the extreme.

ToadToast · 24/09/2014 09:34

I think it is thoughtless, croup and broncholitis are frequent complications of what are ordinary colds for adults. Whilst you can't protect them from everything no need to deliberately expose them either.

I wouldn't want to give it to you either!

Booboostoo · 24/09/2014 10:42

You are right to be annoyed, your friend behaved idiotically. Of course babies can catch colds, but no one should go out of their way to give them one! At bests colds in a very young baby are a huge hassle, at worst they can lead to complications. I don't think it's a PFB thing either, I feel that way about DC2.

NancyCracker · 24/09/2014 12:55

I'd be mightily pissed off actually the baby is only 5 weeks old. Not sure what's the point of talking to her about it though. Yes, babies get colds etc. but at 5 weeks old they aren't really crawling about sharing germs with other kids like a 6 month old.

NancyCracker · 24/09/2014 13:02

If i am meant to meet up with anyone with a baby/child - I will mention if i have a cold - gives them the option to still meet up or not.

I do exactly the same! But is your friend childless? Because until I had kids, this might not have occurred to me.

Penguinator · 24/09/2014 13:12

YANBU! At all! People like that are beyond thoughtless. I'd mention it to her and ask her to be more considerate in future. All my friends were uber-conscious of not coming near DS when he was a newborn if they had so much as a sniffle - I can't believe anyone would be so stupid and inconsiderate!

ProudAS · 24/09/2014 13:19

I think your friend should have checked with you before coming round with a cold but your DD is going to be exposed anyway and needs to build up immunity.

I assume this is your first born. Toddler siblings are great at bringing colds home from nursery etc.

thedevilinside · 24/09/2014 13:23

Is your friend lacking in empathy? I would be worried. Like the family that infected an entire adults party with norovirus after turning up with a vomiting toddler (my sister was one of the unfortunate guests).

Peanut14 · 24/09/2014 13:55

I feel you ANBU, I would be annoyed too but as others have said its pointless saying anything. The next time she says she is calling around I'd say something like 'no colds this time' in jest.

My own sister did this when I came home from hospital with my little girl. She was sick with something more than a cold that was contagious. She didn't say till she was leaving, saw no problem with it and she has 2 small children. The next time she came to call I told her I'd rather she didn't come in, she got the hump and thought I was being precious. I just find it unnecessary to expose a newborn to sickness, I know they get sick at some stage but why make them sick.

Rhiana1979 · 24/09/2014 14:05

My DD became suddenly very ill when she was about 5 months old, couldn't keep anything down vomitting constantly even with nothing in her tummy. It was horrendous.
Her illness started 24-48 hours after my mom has come to visit. When I mentioned it to her, my wonderful mother told me her DP had been ill with Norovirus the day she'd come and she'd "had a bit of the runs" herself the morning she'd travelled......

Within a week DH and I had suffered it as well.

I will never forgive my mother for that.

Eva50 · 24/09/2014 14:08

YANBU I don't know that there is any point in mentioning it but I would not go to visit anyone if I had a cold or was unwell especially not a new baby. It was very thoughtless of her. Ds3 was in SCBU with chest drains as a baby and has a floppy larynx. He gets really chesty if he gets a cold and gets a barking cough that lasts for weeks. Clearly we can't avoid him ever getting a cold but do get annoyed if people visit without warning that they have one.

Ticklemonster897 · 24/09/2014 14:10

It's awful looking after a new born who's ill.

Next time she asks to visit, say yes you would really like to see her again and can she cancel if she has a bad cold/flu as nights are murder with poorly little baby

Hexu2 · 24/09/2014 14:13

Babies do get colds - but it is annoying when people are thoughtless.

I got bloody annoyed with my family as just before we went on our first holiday they visited with really really bad colds - and joked how we would have it for our holiday.

Got back - and few days after developed colds - one DC developed quiet serve breathing problems - very scary for me - diagnosed with asthma. One and only asthma attack - I had similar thing few weeks later after having this cold and developing chest infection - I was told probably been board line all my life.

Turned out afterwards several of those who had visited had had breathing issues with this cold - been prescribed various things from GP - but not been diagnosed asthmatic.

I then had to listen to die predictions to our demised from these same relatives due to asthma.

Maybe we'd always have had asthma maybe not - but can't help feeling very put out.

YANBU - but people will do this throughout their childhood and not just with colds.