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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend visited me with a rotten cold... And gave it to my five week old

82 replies

Moulesvinrouge1 · 23/09/2014 21:16

How do I approach it with her? I'm really cross, should I be a bit more forgiving as maybe she didn't really realise? I'm actually really upset about it. She held her for an hour before mentioning it!

OP posts:

blanketyblank100 · 23/09/2014 21:46

I'd be annoyed but there is no point mentioning it now. In future, check people don't have colds and coughs before visiting. Personally, I don't think you should resign yourself to your baby catching all these things. You can be sensible and lower the chances.

Original poster

Moulesvinrouge1 · 23/09/2014 21:48

Thanks all I don't want to fall out with her, but when she sneezed (while holding her) she did say apparently 'oh I bet you wish I'd told you that I had a cold before cuddling her!' So she knew shed made an error. Hopefully she won't do it again to other friends, you kind of feel you've got enough in your plate the first time round don't you!

OP posts:

Rivercam · 23/09/2014 21:48

I think she was wrong to visit if she was poorly, and definantly should've held the baby. I can understand why you are upset.

I hope your baby is well again now.

By the way, congratulations!??

MyFairyKing · 23/09/2014 21:48

YANBU to feel miffed and worries. YWBU to mention it because no good can come out of it now. Wish your baby better. :)

LesleyKnopeFan · 23/09/2014 21:53

I'm so surprised she didn't think that coming was a bad idea? Does she have kids?

She had to drag herself out of bed to visit? That's pretty ill and I wouldn't visit anybody, let alone a newborn.

I wouldn't visit a newborn even with a sniffle and, at the very least, would forewarn you and suggest that I wouldn't hold the baby.

Cold are a part and parcel of life, I get that but at 5 weeks old is miserable.

Although, it's upsetting, I reckon she just didn't think and there's nothing you can say. I don't think you'll feel any better for doing so.

Hope your baby is over the cold quickly and congratulations! Enjoy those newborn snuggles.

RiverTam · 23/09/2014 21:54

I'd be bloody annoyed too, I would never visit a newborn if I had a cold. Though pre-DD I may not have realised how miserable it is, dealing with such a tiny baby with a cold.

DD caught her first around this age, because I had a cold and as I was bfing I was sneezing all over here, poor little mite. I wouldn't wish a newborn cold on anyone!

DrCoconut · 23/09/2014 21:59

I wouldn't like it. DS2 used to get chest problems with colds and was admitted to hospital three times. "Just a cold" could be worse for him. I know some children will have much worse problems but still. Luckily he is strong as an ox now and keeps well in general.

naty1 · 23/09/2014 22:01

I wouldnt be happy, woild probably mention in a subtle way so they know not to do it to someone else.
But if this had been DC2 then there is little you could do to limit exposure if DC1 is at nursery/school /playgroups.
We went to 2 groups 1st week of new term by the fri DD 2yrs had a cold. I didnt even see any ill people.

I was quite cautious with DD newborn as i have asthma and worried she would get a cold and start wheezing, she hasnt so far but one of the other babies got bronciolitis from a cold.

SweetPea3 · 23/09/2014 22:02

I would also be really annoyed! Not sure if I would say anything, but I would certainly be enquiring as to her general health before her next visit!

From a practical perspective, I recommend investing in one of these or similar:

www.amazon.co.uk/Vicks-Paediatric-Mini-Ultrasonic-Humidifier/dp/B003XQNDH0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411505817&sr=8-1&keywords=vicks+cool+mist+humidifier

Cool mist is apparently much better than hot steam (eg from a shower) as hot steam just makes the small blood vessels in the nose expand even more, making it harder to breathe (or so I've read).

I hope your little one gets better soon!

middlings · 23/09/2014 22:06

DD1 had two colds before she was seven weeks. DD2 had three back to back from about 8 weeks to about 14 weeks. It's horrid, especially the first time but she'll be fine,

YANBU because you're a first time Mum of a tiny but out of that context YABabitU :)

Enjoy your new one. I love new ones.

BlinkAndMiss · 23/09/2014 22:09

I'd be angry and I'd say something, she didn't think of how this would affect your baby so I wouldn't be too bothered if I offended. Aside from the fact it's unpleasant for such a young baby to become ill, it's also dangerous. As newborns can't clear their nasal passages it can lead to infection.

The other thing she didn't consider is how it might affect you - you've just had a baby, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that ending up with a cold is not what you need right now, particularly as she's been laid up in bed with it because it's not like you can do that now is it? Not with a newborn. She's been selfish and inconsiderate, pfb or not I don't care, I'd say something so she'll think twice before doing it again.

My cousin brought her child to visit newborn DS, with a throat infection - I asked them to leave! I was recovering from a huge post-natal infection and there was no way I was going back into hospital again.

LizLimone · 23/09/2014 22:11

She said she had dragged herself out of bed to visit and had to dose herself up to do so? Well that is bloody ridiculous. Why not just put off her visit for a while or at least decline to hold the baby while there if she was that sick?

I don't think you are BU or pfb at all actually. I'm due DC2 soon and even though I'm aware that babies get colds and I'm not paranoid about it by now, having weathered various storms with DC1, I still wouldn't appreciate a visitor unnecessarily passing on bugs to a 5-week old. You have enough to deal with besides managing colds as well.

Coffeeaddictforever · 23/09/2014 22:20

Dh aunt had a cold when visiting my 3 week old dd. I was and still am pissed off and can't help but mention it to my mi. however I did tell her not to visit with a cold but she still did :-(. Tell your friend it's not on

RaspberryRuffle · 23/09/2014 22:22

YANBU, I didn't visit a friend last year when I had a stinking cold, even though I was very excited to meet her baby. I had to wait another 4 months (live miles away) but wouldn't have gone near a newborn, tried to contain the lurgy!
Maybe if she's coming back if you ever allow her! you can ask if she is over the cold as you don't want the baby to catch it.

Marmiteandjamislush · 23/09/2014 22:25

I appreciate that you are upset and sleep deprived and hormonal, which a tiny baby with a cold is not going to help. But really don't say anything to your friend, even in passing. She will feel dreadful and my feel awkward about coming back. Just think like this, if you have a #2, DC1 will expose them to germs from day one, so just think of this as practice!

naty1 · 23/09/2014 22:26

Other factor is things like chicken pox etc start as a cold.

LittleBairn · 23/09/2014 22:30

That commemt after the sneeze would have made my blood boil, for that alone I would send her a text saying o,ease stay away in future DD is now ill.

Yes your DH could bring something home but that is not the same situation as a visitor that could have chosen to stay home.

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2014 22:33

Your friend was an idiot for coming near with a cold but its done now hope ypur baby is better soon nothing you can say now really

Giraffinalaugh · 23/09/2014 22:36

It was a shitty thing to do. People that purposefully visit people with new babies when they are full of germs really piss me off. It could be a one off mistake but unfortunately some people are a bit unhygenic and germy and dont mund spreading it. Some people are snotty all the time. Maybe let it go this time and arrange to meet for coffee in a public place next time so If you feel uncomfortable you can make an excuse and get an early dart if she's ill, and at least that way she won't be sneezing all over your house/babies things.
I don't mean to be precious but I have a friend who is full of cold every time I see her as is her dc and if they visit we always catch it and it's bad but meeting in coffee places or soft play made it much less annoying without being awkward.

ImGoingForATwix · 23/09/2014 22:39

I don't think you're overreacting. I wouldn't visit a newborn if I had the cold. It's fine to say they'll be exposed to germs unknowingly, but this is different. Some people just don't think though. I hope she at least washed her hands before holding the baby!

Pugaboo · 23/09/2014 22:43

She sounds dumb. I'd probably make a PA but cheery sounding remark to her when we next spoke about your DS catching her cold. at least then she might not do it to others...

Momagain1 · 23/09/2014 22:51

Is your pfb also one of the first babies in your circle of friends? Common knowledge of how to visit babies not common yet?

Original poster

Moulesvinrouge1 · 24/09/2014 03:45

Thanks everyone. The baby isn't the first in the circle, in fact I'm one of the last and she professes to be very good around babies.

I think after a very horrid birth and the shock of a new baby I felt I was just starting to get to grips with it all and now she's sick. Plus, I have asthma so could well do without the chest infection I normally get with a bad cold.

If she asks how we are I'll mention the cold but in a cheery way, more as we have another friend with a newborn so I'd like to prevent them getting it too!

OP posts:

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 24/09/2014 04:57

I think it would really rude to say anything. You can't be sure it was her. If she was sitting with your baby for an hour and didn't sneeze or clean her nose once in that duration then its possible she didn't actually transfer anything to your DD.

If I was your friend and you said something like that to me, I don't think I'd visit again.

FindoGask · 24/09/2014 05:20

It was thoughtless, but I wouldn't say anything, as it wouldn't be worth falling out with someone over and I'm not sure I could say something lightly, it would be obvious how annoyed I was! My second daughter had an awful cold at about 4 or 5 weeks and I remember many sleepless nights, and an awful contraption I had to use to physically suck the snot out of her little nostrils because she was so bunged up she couldn't feed.

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