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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About paying my parents for childcare?

78 replies

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 19:46

This might be long, sorry.

I'm feeling a bit hurt and sad and a bit railroaded, so I wanted to canvass opinions.

My sister is my (excellent) CM, I pay her the going rate (which is more than I was paying my old cm, incidentally). The backdrop to this is that she used to look after our other sisters dc but due to persistent lateness and some behavioural issues with the girls she gave her notice and asked me if she could mind my toddler instead.

My parents have always helped us out with occasional childcare, for which we are very very grateful. They stepped in to look after my nieces but as it was now a full time arrangement they asked for remuneration, not the full going rate but close.

Anyway (still with me, I hope?) my cm sister is away for a week next month and my mum offered straight away to have ds2 for the week. I didn't think any more about it really, was just grateful it was all sorted.

Mum has just phoned me to tell me they are charging £100 for the four days and how did I want to pay her?

I just stuttered a bit and said, oh ok, um, didn't realise we were paying you but that's fine.

My mother said that she has to charge us because she charges my sister. I think the two situations are completely different, and it just hadn't occurred to me.

Now I just feel shitty, and had a bit of a cry. I sort of want to ask th ILs to have him instead, as they won't charge us, but that would cause huge ructions.

How out of order am I on a scale of one to ten? Or you could tell me I'm not unreasonable at all, that would be nice.

OP posts:
Ron99 · 21/09/2014 19:50

Your mum charges your sister for CM so she needs to charge you the same. Why should she give up four days for free. You are, of course, free to go elsewhere. Oh mum is a registered CM and not breaking any laws?

2minsofyourtime · 21/09/2014 19:51

I think it's a difficult one a the payment has come about due to your sisters lateness. IMO I would ask the in laws and shug my shoulders at any flack

JillySuper · 21/09/2014 19:51

YANBU . If your ILS are happy to have your child for that week then I would let them. Just tell your parents you can't afford the £100.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2014 19:53

I think if she charges your sister then she has to charge you. But even so I'd still be a bit annoyed in your situation as she's only been asked to do a week and since she actually offered in the first place. Hmm. Doesn't really make for good family relationships. But I suppose if the DC's are happy that's the main thing.

Vida · 21/09/2014 19:54

Well, I don't think it's necessarily unfair if they want to charge you, given they charge your sister. If they didn't charge you, that would surely cause ructions with her?

However - they can't have it all ways. Because of their business-like approach to childcare, they really can't complain when you decide to use another, cheaper solution, after deciding their offer is too expensive. I wouldn't think twice about asking your in laws.

LadyLuck10 · 21/09/2014 19:54

Yanbu op but I guess it all depends on your type of family. My mum would be thrilled to look after dc for a month and would be horrified literally to even discuss paying her for minding her own gc. She would never dream of wanting any form of payment. I understand other families work differently. Though I don't think yabu for feeling how you do.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2014 19:54

Didn't see the option to ask the ils. I'd do that. And tough about the ructions!

Ratbagcatbag · 21/09/2014 19:55

I'd ask the inlaws in this case.
There are no ructions, you thought you weren't paying, now you are they are going where it doesn't cost you for the week.

MrsBungle · 21/09/2014 19:56

Ask you pil's.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/09/2014 19:57

Yabu. That is still an absolute bargain. Why don't you want to pay her?

Original poster
OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 19:58

It's all a bit complicated.

They aren't being business like about it, but my sister is a nightmare wrt lateness,her girls are lovely but a huge handful and she knows full well no other cm would give her the time of day. So she leaned on mum and dad to step in (she earns 50k btw, it's not a money saving thing). My parents felt they had to charge her because otherwise it was shockingly unfair on them and us.

I just didn't realise it meant the end of them covering us for occasional needs as they always have done.

It's all left a bit of a nasty taste in my mouth really.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 19:59

It's not that I don't want to pay! It's just I didn't know that was the offer, I thought they were offering to help as they always have done.

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 21/09/2014 20:01

Are they all registered childminders and paying tax etc? If not then you are all being unreasonable!

Loveloveloveher · 21/09/2014 20:01

I think it's a bit mean of them to ask for payment when it's only a couple of days. It's their grandchildren for goodness sake. I think it's fair to pay them if it were a full time thing but surely they want some time with the kids? It is perfectly reasonable for you to ask the IL's instead and they really have no right to be offended.

phantomnamechanger · 21/09/2014 20:01

so would your parents also have your difficult nieces at the same time as minding your LO? I'm not sure I would be happy with that anyway, even it was free. Much better your toddler gets lots of attention from his other GPs.

Optimist1 · 21/09/2014 20:02

I can see that your DM is trying to avoid one daughter paying and the other not paying. Are you still paying your CM sister for the week that she's away? If so, is the £100 going to cause you financial difficulties? If not, I'd just leave the arrangement as it is. If you make an alternative arrangements with your ILs, your DM will be upset and I can see it escalating beyond all reason.

Original poster
OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 20:02

Should also add that I used to be a cm, I looked after my nieces full time until last year at a reduced rate (term time only and no late fees and didn't charge when the eldest was at pre school). I gave up childminding just over a year ago and my little sister took over.

I feel like my sister has reaped all the benefits of low cost family childcare and ruined it for the rest of us.

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 21/09/2014 20:02

Agree with, Jillysuper. Can't believe that a gran would offer to help and then expect payment. Can understand her thinking about fairness and all that. I would have thought to suggest you go halves with your sister might have been a more palatable suggestion.

Sunflowersareblue · 21/09/2014 20:03

I don't understand why they have to charge either you or your sister? If your other sister runs a business as a childminder, then that's fine. Why does that mean your parents have to charge either you or your other sister?

Ask your IL.

Redtartanshoes · 21/09/2014 20:03

I just can't imagine grandparents charging to look after their grandchildren. Hmm

Are they registered btw?

2minsofyourtime · 21/09/2014 20:03

I'd still ask the in laws and explain why to your mum, you mil would probably love to have dc, then spend the 100 on something nice for yourself

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 21/09/2014 20:04

If they offered to help without saying at the time it would be chargable, then I can see why you'd be hacked off.

I'd ask your inlaws.

saoirse31 · 21/09/2014 20:04

Can u not see the difficulty it could cause if ur parents charge ur sister and not you?

Explored · 21/09/2014 20:04

You're not actually going to be worse off, are you? because you would normally pay the CM? I think they're I a difficult position, imagine what would happen if your sister found out they weren't charging you.

If it was my parents, they'd take the money because the felt they should to make it fair to my sister but recognising that the situation was different would find a way to give it back, maybe by taking Dc on and expensive day out or buying them some things to wear.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 21/09/2014 20:04

If you thought they were offering to just help out, not to be paid, then you just need to consider now whether you want to use their help if you have to pay. The rules have been changed form what you understood, so you get to reconsider. TBH - if your in-laws would like to have your DC and won't charge, I'd probably go with them.