Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

About paying my parents for childcare?

78 replies

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 19:46

This might be long, sorry.

I'm feeling a bit hurt and sad and a bit railroaded, so I wanted to canvass opinions.

My sister is my (excellent) CM, I pay her the going rate (which is more than I was paying my old cm, incidentally). The backdrop to this is that she used to look after our other sisters dc but due to persistent lateness and some behavioural issues with the girls she gave her notice and asked me if she could mind my toddler instead.

My parents have always helped us out with occasional childcare, for which we are very very grateful. They stepped in to look after my nieces but as it was now a full time arrangement they asked for remuneration, not the full going rate but close.

Anyway (still with me, I hope?) my cm sister is away for a week next month and my mum offered straight away to have ds2 for the week. I didn't think any more about it really, was just grateful it was all sorted.

Mum has just phoned me to tell me they are charging £100 for the four days and how did I want to pay her?

I just stuttered a bit and said, oh ok, um, didn't realise we were paying you but that's fine.

My mother said that she has to charge us because she charges my sister. I think the two situations are completely different, and it just hadn't occurred to me.

Now I just feel shitty, and had a bit of a cry. I sort of want to ask th ILs to have him instead, as they won't charge us, but that would cause huge ructions.

How out of order am I on a scale of one to ten? Or you could tell me I'm not unreasonable at all, that would be nice.

OP posts:

Eva50 · 21/09/2014 20:04

I would just pay them this time and in future ask the in-laws.

phantomnamechanger · 21/09/2014 20:05

if you don't want to make it about the money, just say DP had already asked his parents, and in any case, you don't want your mum too worn out by having 3 (?) of them to look after at the same time.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 21/09/2014 20:05

FWIW, we pay my parents for childcare - well under the going rate to be fair - because they have them several times a week.

When my sisters children stay, they don't pay ad they're visiting IYSWIM. Completely different arrangement.

Eva50 · 21/09/2014 20:06

They don't need to be registered to look after family.

Original poster

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 20:06

You do not have to be registered as a childminder to look after grandchildren or nieces and nephews, even if you receive payment.

As it happens my sister is a registered cm, but no, my parents aren't. But it's not illegal.

OP posts:

CSIJanner · 21/09/2014 20:07

YANBU - they should have told you up front when they offered. Use the in-laws. But talk to your parents once it's all calmed down.

Original poster

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 20:07

I think I am just going to go with it this time but will do something different in the future.

It's made me feel really shit tbh.

OP posts:

bronya · 21/09/2014 20:07

Either

Ask the ILs, explain to your parents that you can't afford the £100, and leave it at that. OR
Pay this time, then never ask your parents again!

petalunicorn · 21/09/2014 20:07

You shouldn't have to pay as you are asking her as granny to cover a childcare gap, not as a full time professional childcarer. I would tell you hadn't budgeted to pay and in laws have offered. She'd understand?

Original poster

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 20:07

Shit for assuming, and shit for being so teenagery about it.

Fucking families.

OP posts:

Minikievs · 21/09/2014 20:09

I would ask ILs. I understand your DM's view that if they charge your sister, they should charge you. But it is an entirely different situation, they are offering holiday cover (they offered, you didn't ask) and your sister lost her other CM through her own issues.
My DM retired when I had my first DC. She now has my nephew (with SN) 2days a week, my DD 3 days a week and will be picking up my DS from school 3 days a week. I told her I wanted to pay her for the food bill for my DC and she was offended to the point of tears and point blank refused. Labour of love in her opinion.
I don't think YABU in the slightest

RandomMess · 21/09/2014 20:10

Hmmm because they offered I think I too would have assumed it was free as a favour to spend time with your ds2.

I would ask your ILs and if they say yes just explain to your parents that they offered to cover the holiday for free as they want to spend time with your ds2.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 21/09/2014 20:11

So you can either pay your parents 100 for four days childcare or your PILs may do it for free. I think you are a very lucky lady to have either set of grandparents happy to help you. I don't think the 100 is a big deal but would look at the bigger picture. You have helpful parents.

Surreyblah · 21/09/2014 20:11

Think they would need to be registered if paid, unless the care is in the DCs' home.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/09/2014 20:12

I still think you're very lucky and would go ahead with it. Your dc gets to spend 4 days with gp, and it's only costing you £100. Your parents clearly do loads for you and your sisters. With or without payment, theyare very kind.

SoonToBeSix · 21/09/2014 20:12

Yanbu your parents are mean to charge your sister and you. Ask your parents in law. Can never understand why family would charge, very odd.

CSIJanner · 21/09/2014 20:12

What petalunicorn said. Just ring your in-laws. It will just fester and make you feel shit else with brewing resentment. Your mum can tell by the call her asking for money caught you off guard.

And yes, not illegal to take money but once the grandparent does that, they therefore become the employee. There are potential tax implications if they are being paid as opposed accepting a monetary gift.

Karoleann · 21/09/2014 20:14

Just pay her this time and then ask your IL's next time.

Original poster

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 21/09/2014 20:14

I know they are very kind, and we are very lucky and very grateful.

Not really my point though.

Would it help you to know that my childcare bill is just shy of £1k a month for one child, even with all this fabulous family help? Because I have always insisted on paying the going rate. My sister pays far less for her two children and always has. Wah wah wah.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/09/2014 20:16

Fuck it - ask the inlaws!

MaryWestmacott · 21/09/2014 20:18

Actually, I think you shouldn't just accept it. Ask your PIL if they will do it.

Then tell your mum thank you for the offer, but PIL will do it for free and you would rather spend the £100 on something for DS2 than childcare when you've got family offering to do it for free.

Your mum can make a choice, if she wants you to use her, then she'll have to think about offering for free. If she wants paying, she can't be offended.

Your mum hasn't thought about your feelings in this. It's ok to upset her when she's just upset you, perhaps you not using her this time might make her stop and think if she's being fair to you.

PicandMinx · 21/09/2014 20:20

Go with the ILs. It's the same as your Mum asking if you want a cup of tea and then charging you for it!

whatever5 · 21/09/2014 20:21

Although I can understand that your parents are charging you because they charge your sister I think don't think that they should have offered to look after your DC without mentioning there would be a charge. If I was you, I would ask your in laws instead on principle.

Itsfab · 21/09/2014 20:23

Don't go with using your parent and never again. Just don't go with them at all.

Ask your PIL, if they can't do it then either use your mother and pay her in £1 coins or look for a temporary child care option that could be your always temp child carer.

whycantifindaname · 21/09/2014 20:23

Whether you go with it or not, you need to talk calmly to you mum about how you feel. That you are disappointed that your sisters slack approach to childcare arrangements has removed the previous arrangement you had with them. Don't ask them to change their position (because it is a reasonable position i.e.to charge because they charge your sis). But do tell them. I get a sense this is what it is about rather than the $ for you.

Everyone gets ancy when they think their siblings are getting in the way of their own arrangements/relationship with their parents.

Flip

1 2 3 4